I cried for an obese man

[BariatricGirl 220]

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to an appointment and I saw a really large man walking down the street. Because of his size and the near 100 degree temperature, I knew he had to be extremely uncomfortable. As I pulled into my parking place I glanced in my rear view mirror and watched this man trip with a force that propelled him like a rocket to the concrete. I bolted from my car and ran to him...his arm was already bloody.

"Let me help you up". He had salt and pepper hair and perhaps the kindest sky blue eyes I have ever seen.

With a perfect Texas drawl he said "Little lady you're gonna have to pack a little more lead in the rear to help me up!" My heart was breaking for him. I grabbed him by his good arm and we rocked....1, 2, 3, and I pulled with everything I had. No matter how much I wanted to help this man, I couldn't get him off the ground. He explained he was walking to work and I at first got the impression he was trying to get some exercise. I asked him to stay put and I'd get some help and as I ran into the building, there were just a few tiny women and elderly people that could be of no help. By the time I got back out, a man had stopped to help him up. He was hurt....I told him there was a doctor inside, would he please come in? I know he was both surprised and ashamed that I would help him. He chuckled and said he was alright (he wasn't). As he walked out of my sight he said "It's time to go on that diet".

Of course I knew he'd been on hundreds of diets, just like I had. It was the perfect time to have shared my story but yet it wasn't. I wish I had at least gotten his contact information so that maybe my signature on my email would perhaps spark a conversation.

Maybe he didn't have a car and had to go into work anyway for fear of losing his job because of his size. Maybe he couldn't afford to call for an ambulance. So many "maybes". Every day since then I have considered waiting at that parking space to see if I could locate him again. He felt so much embarrassment and I wanted to tell him that I knew there was a perfectly loving man inside trying to get out. I wanted to tell him so many things but most of all that I didn't see him as just a morbidly obese man....that he was just as valid and worthy as anybody and the shell he lived in did not make him "less than".

I fell a few weeks before that and was in extreme pain so I could only imagine what he was dealing with. Tears ran down my face for the rest of the day. Call me silly for wanting to do this but I'm going back to try to find him. I want him to know why I didn't judge him that day.

And why I cried.

p.s. I just added this because I do want everyone to know that I would NEVER give anyone unsolicited advice because I have seen it happen and someone got the response "I've already had WLS". Much like asking a woman if she's pregnant....not until I see the crowning of the baby's head would I ever ask when someone's baby is due. I just wanted to make sure everyone understood that.

*Note- I wrote this in 2011 and reread it the other day. I decided to share it here because the comments left on this blog post were so memorable and heartfelt. If you'd like to read them you can see them here.

I've been back to that same parking spot every month basically at the same time of the day ever since that day. I have unfortunately never found him again. If I ever do, I hope he'll let me take a picture with him so you can see his beautiful blue eyes and the kindest face you could ever imagine.

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You are a beautiful person! Thank you for this post! Good to know there are some still left. God Bless..

I sure needed and appreciate that so much.

[BariatricGirl 220]

We see it, we read about it and we live it. The obesity plague is rampant. We have all gone thru the feelings of hopelessness and despair about ever being normal again. Now, I feel like I am one of a select few that has found a new path back to a normal life and I am not satisfied with that.

I look around and notice every obese person and imagine myself helping them onto that same path. It is overwhelming at times. So many......I have to do something.

But as you and so many others have stated, it would be inappropriate. I know that..... but I can't just leave it there. Besides, I have led a life of doing inappropriate things. So why would this stop me. I've got to find a way to offer whatever insight I can about this to others.

Funny thing is.....while one type of condition or handicap may be viewed as inappropriate, another is not.

I came across a very obese man in the gym the other day struggling with a knee brace and bandages. After looking around the gym he sat down and almost without hesitation, I saw my opportunity. I approached him an introduced myself. I I asked him about his knee and he said he just had a knee replacement. Having both my knees replaced a little while back, I offered some tips on his recovery.

Then in a less than subtle segway, I referenced how I was worried my weight would damage my new knees...so I sought a solution. Telling him I am three months out and 55 pounds down and feel great, really amazed him. The rest is history. After about 30 minutes of his asking a slew of questions about WLS, I left him with the information to a local seminar and went on my way.

Ok, one person may not make a big impact, but it was satisfying for me.

Now, I'm working on ways to reach the rest.

Recycled don't think for one moment that one person may not make a big impact. What if that one person helped had been you! Many of us feel the same way you do and that's why I volunteer full time in this community. You never know what one blog post, one You Tube video, one Facebook page post....whatever it is....makes a difference. I hope you saw the story I wrote about the bellman in one of the comments before this. It's the perfect example of changing lives one person at a time whether you meant to or not. Take pride in that one life you touched that day....

[BariatricGirl 220]

I had been researching WLS for the last ten years and attended many seminars but just wasn't ready to pull the trigger.

About 10 years ago my boss' wife had WLS and she put together a packet of information and sent it to work for my boss to give to me. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I threw the packet in the garbage. Now, I had already been thinking about WLS but to have it flung in my face just didn't seem right, it was very uncomfortable. I think that is how it would be for most people. If there were some brochures or something we could anonymously (sorry can't remember how to spell that) leave around for people they might then be more comfortable receiving the information but when it's face to face it just feels more threatening. Now that I've had the surgery, I think its the best thing since sliced bread. Do I share it with others? NO, I'm still very private about it but if I had brochures to leave behind... I'd do it.

It's embarrassing enough thinking of someone approaching someone one on one but I can see how coming from the wife of your boss had to be awful. Good people picking a bad way for sure. I'm so glad they didn't turn you off to it so much that you didn't consider it. I'm actually working on a t-shirt and it's partly to educate the public in general. It's so weird that so many people will say "that stuff doesn't work" but the minute a celebrity loses a ton of weight they say "she had weight loss surgery!" They need to make up their mind.

[BariatricGirl 220]

I for one am glad you never ran into that man again. I'm sure...in fact I'll bet the house, that he certainly didn't want to run into you again.

Even if we have the best of intentions...it's better to say nothing.

Please know I only wanted to see if he was OK. He was really hurt badly. If I could have made contact with him I wouldn't have told him he should check out surgery. Only if it came up and he wanted to talk about it would I have even gone there. I don't want to be misunderstood...I have never ever suggested or pushed surgery on anyone. I have only shared my experience and usually it's just a statement brought into the conversation when I might get to mention that I used to weigh nearly 300 pounds... Once that's said... if they don't ask anything else...I'm done talking about it. What I was trying to convey in this article was that he was surprised I took time to help him and that broke my heart because I could tell he was a truly kind soul.

[BariatricGirl 220]

I am 118 lighter because an acquaintance who I see 2 times a year asked me once if I ever considered WLS. At first I was taken aback. it's not pleasant to face the fact that you look like you could use it! She is a healthcare professional and also has a weight issue ( not as much as mine) and it was meant conversationally not as advice. Well I told her Oh no I would never do that... but her question may me ponder it. I did my research and got the sleeve. A year later I saw her and thanked her for bringing it up. I owed her a lot!

I hope sometime to return the favor but I also remember how shocked I was she asked me. I guess it would take the right situation and relationship to bring it up. It is a major life change and not easy either. People have to do their own research to see if it's for them. I hope someday I can help someone.

Everyone has different ways of communicating. I could never say those words to someone even though I think several people thought I would when they read this post. Usually someone will mention something that may have happened over 13 years ago and I can say something like "I couldn't do that back then because I was nearly 300 pounds". At that point if they ask I say it like it's every day conversation "Oh I was really lucky...I had weight loss surgery and lost 130 pounds". Again if they ask more, I tell them more. If they don't ask it's always possible that I planted a seed. Congrats on those 118 pounds by the way!

[minniexoxo 34]

God bless you for your tender heart. We need more people like you in this world.

[jamilyne 102668 1,207]

This past summer I had a massage therapist tell me that the problems that I was having with my shoulders/back was because of my extra weight and that I should consider losing weight. Needless to say, I cried all day & never went back. I was humiliated to begin with, but it hurt my feelings so bad - because he had no idea how much I wanted the weight off and I was upset by the fact that he made sound like I didn't know I was fat & needed to lose weight. I knew I was fat & I was mortified.

I was thinking that maybe only a physician could get away with talking to someone about wls, but the patient probably wouldn't go back.

Edited March 21, 2014 by jamilyne 102668

[parisshel 1,892]

I am fascinated by stories from different cultures. I also can't imagine how difficult it must be for her. I had no idea that clothing only goes up to size 12 there. I suppose buying clothing online is certainly an option. The stigma regarding obesity must be overwhelming. Is bariatric surgery even something people know much about?

There are certain shops that carry plus size...which means up to size 18 here. The styles are just awful...like plus size used to be in the States 40 years ago...huge flowery drapey caftans.

Yes, there is an open stigma against anyone overweight in Paris. It's better looked upon to be an adulterer (see the French President, or Dominique Strauss Kahn's story) or a smoker (no stigma whatsoever) than to be fat. Especially female and fat, because beauty here is highly valued for women. I'll never forget the time my sister in law (French) was pregnant, and she went to see her OB/GYN. She wanted to quit smoking for the future baby's health, and the OB/GYN told her to keep smoking, because it was better to not gain too much weight during her pregnancy, which she certainly would, if she cut out the cigarettes cold turkey.

Can you imagine?

There are several centers of bariatric excellence here in France. They serve the French of course, and also other europeans who come here for the surgery. I know they do not do lapbands in Switzerland, for example, so the Swiss come to France if they want a lapband.

[BariatricGirl 220]

God bless you for your tender heart. We need more people like you in this world.

Thank you for seeing my heart. Many times I am not given a chance because of preconceived ideas....you obviously have a loving soul and that's beautiful.

[BariatricGirl 220]

This past summer I had a massage therapist tell me that the problems that I was having with my shoulders/back was because of my extra weight and that I should consider losing weight. Needless to say, I cried all day & never went back. I was humiliated to begin with, but it hurt my feelings so bad - because he had no idea how much I wanted the weight off and I was upset by the fact that he made sound like I didn't know I was fat & needed to lose weight. I knew I was fat & I was mortified.

I was thinking that maybe only a physician could get away with talking to someone about wls, but the patient probably wouldn't go back.

Jamilyne I have said those exact words so many times!! When I would get the "just diet and exercise" comment thrown at me I also wanted to just scream "DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE A MIRROR??? DON'T YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED EVERY DIET KNOWN TO MAN? DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I LIKE BEING LIKE THIS?".

I remember going to a doctor once and he told me I was carrying the equivalent of a 12 year old boy on my shoulders. Alert the media! I not only tried every diet in existence (many more than once) but I did horrible, dangerous things to my body. I drove to a doctor that was 10 hours away who saw hundreds of women on Saturday. He put 6 at a time in an exam room and you paid cash. He handed you a prescription and you walked next door to his pharmacy and you got pills with no imprint on them. I found out later it was a diet drug (most likely amphetamine), lasix, thyroid meds etc. Of course if I had been told it was a thyroid med that could harm me but would make me lose weight....I didn't care! The only thing I had left to try was to shoot up meth and for about a minute I thought I'd at least die skinny. Even after being told I had a 400% chance of getting cancer over a normal person it couldn't have made me want to lose weight any more than I already did. I told them when I had gastric bypass that if they had told me I had to cut off a toe, I would have just never worn sandals again. I GET everything you said.

I think if physicians approached it by saying something like "how can I help you get some of that weight off because I want you live" is much better than "you HAVE to lose weight" it would be received much better. Of course I have many more suggestions than that if I could wave a magic wand. I just wanted to let you know how much I could relate to your story and that you are a far braver person than me because I could never get a massage when I was obese....I didn't even leave the house except to go to work and Walmart where I could get food and clothes at the same time.

[BariatricGirl 220]

I am fascinated by stories from different cultures. I also can't imagine how difficult it must be for her. I had no idea that clothing only goes up to size 12 there. I suppose buying clothing online is certainly an option. The stigma regarding obesity must be overwhelming. Is bariatric surgery even something people know much about?

There are certain shops that carry plus size...which means up to size 18 here. The styles are just awful...like plus size used to be in the States 40 years ago...huge flowery drapey caftans.

Yes, there is an open stigma against anyone overweight in Paris. It's better looked upon to be an adulterer (see the French President, or Dominique Strauss Kahn's story) or a smoker (no stigma whatsoever) than to be fat. Especially female and fat, because beauty here is highly valued for women. I'll never forget the time my sister in law (French) was pregnant, and she went to see her OB/GYN. She wanted to quit smoking for the future baby's health, and the OB/GYN told her to keep smoking, because it was better to not gain too much weight during her pregnancy, which she certainly would, if she cut out the cigarettes cold turkey.

Can you imagine?

There are several centers of bariatric excellence here in France. They serve the French of course, and also other europeans who come here for the surgery. I know they do not do lapbands in Switzerland, for example, so the Swiss come to France if they want a lapband.

Again...I am FASCINATED with human behavior and different cultures. You made me a laugh about the story of the French President....Yes I remember the flowery caftans and polyester everything. When the store Lane Bryant came into existence I was in heaven because they had normal clothes for larger women. At the end of my obese life I had switched over to men's 4x shirts and was told one time I should contact Omar the tent maker for clothes. (Nice huh?)

Unbelievable story about the smoking!! I just can't believe a doctor would do that. I would imagine you probably have a larger amount of people who are home bound for fear of being scrutinized in public. Thank you for sharing.

[BJay 14]

We need more people in the world like you Bariatricgirl

Edited March 22, 2014 by BJay

[BariatricGirl 220]

We need more people in the world like you Bariatricgirl

Thank you...your kindness is very much appreciated.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

2muchfun, I couldnt of said it better ! About a year and a half ago a high school friend of my daughters came through my line at work with his dad, (early 40's) who was in an electric wheel chair. The kid introduced us, the dad and I chatted while I rang him up. Guess what he bought ?? Yep, soda pop and several candy bars ! Eeeeeeeeeeeek ! Im NOT perfect, I have a little sweet or chocolate everyday, but did this guy just NOT get it that he was in a wheelchair because of his eating habits !????? I wanted to tell him about lapband so bad, but definetly not the time or place ! (Although that has not ever stopped my daughter from telling anybody and everybody that i had a lap band done when they ask her how I lost my weight ! )

[BJay 14]

pink dahlia - Who are we to judge though hey? People eat for different reasons - many overeat because they have been sexually abused as a child (studies show there is a strong link), hypothyroidism, he could have been placed on psych drugs (drugs such as seroquel make a person crave carbohydrates), these drugs also cause a condition called metabolic disorder (nearly puts the metabolism to a stand still). IF I looked at my sister in law from an outsiders point of view, I would think, wow, she must eat a lot - but in fact she has hypothyroidism. He could be in his wheelchair because of conditions like MS, he may have had an accident when he was younger damaging his spine; I have a friend who uses a wheelchair because she has Crohn's disorder and gets tired. We aren't in a position to judge.