I cried for an obese man

[BariatricGirl 220]

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to an appointment and I saw a really large man walking down the street. Because of his size and the near 100 degree temperature, I knew he had to be extremely uncomfortable. As I pulled into my parking place I glanced in my rear view mirror and watched this man trip with a force that propelled him like a rocket to the concrete. I bolted from my car and ran to him...his arm was already bloody.

"Let me help you up". He had salt and pepper hair and perhaps the kindest sky blue eyes I have ever seen.

With a perfect Texas drawl he said "Little lady you're gonna have to pack a little more lead in the rear to help me up!" My heart was breaking for him. I grabbed him by his good arm and we rocked....1, 2, 3, and I pulled with everything I had. No matter how much I wanted to help this man, I couldn't get him off the ground. He explained he was walking to work and I at first got the impression he was trying to get some exercise. I asked him to stay put and I'd get some help and as I ran into the building, there were just a few tiny women and elderly people that could be of no help. By the time I got back out, a man had stopped to help him up. He was hurt....I told him there was a doctor inside, would he please come in? I know he was both surprised and ashamed that I would help him. He chuckled and said he was alright (he wasn't). As he walked out of my sight he said "It's time to go on that diet".

Of course I knew he'd been on hundreds of diets, just like I had. It was the perfect time to have shared my story but yet it wasn't. I wish I had at least gotten his contact information so that maybe my signature on my email would perhaps spark a conversation.

Maybe he didn't have a car and had to go into work anyway for fear of losing his job because of his size. Maybe he couldn't afford to call for an ambulance. So many "maybes". Every day since then I have considered waiting at that parking space to see if I could locate him again. He felt so much embarrassment and I wanted to tell him that I knew there was a perfectly loving man inside trying to get out. I wanted to tell him so many things but most of all that I didn't see him as just a morbidly obese man....that he was just as valid and worthy as anybody and the shell he lived in did not make him "less than".

I fell a few weeks before that and was in extreme pain so I could only imagine what he was dealing with. Tears ran down my face for the rest of the day. Call me silly for wanting to do this but I'm going back to try to find him. I want him to know why I didn't judge him that day.

And why I cried.

p.s. I just added this because I do want everyone to know that I would NEVER give anyone unsolicited advice because I have seen it happen and someone got the response "I've already had WLS". Much like asking a woman if she's pregnant....not until I see the crowning of the baby's head would I ever ask when someone's baby is due. I just wanted to make sure everyone understood that.

*Note- I wrote this in 2011 and reread it the other day. I decided to share it here because the comments left on this blog post were so memorable and heartfelt. If you'd like to read them you can see them here.

I've been back to that same parking spot every month basically at the same time of the day ever since that day. I have unfortunately never found him again. If I ever do, I hope he'll let me take a picture with him so you can see his beautiful blue eyes and the kindest face you could ever imagine.

[2muchfun 8,927]

We've talked about this subject here many times. Not about people falling, but how we want to pour our heart out to that morbidly obese person in the grocery store on the store supplied electric cart or the heavy breather walking up the steps in the mall.

It's a hard one and we all agree that it's not appropriate to offer unwanted advice. So unfortunate!

[mrsto 2,925]

I've felt it myself.....wanting to open a conversation with someone I see & tell them "I understand", etc. Before WLS was even a spark in my mind, I think I would have rejected someone coming out of the clear blue with that brand of dialogue. There is a time and a place, and "cold calling" isn't it.

My time and place was when my next-door neighbor told me that she had a bypass. We were just chit chatting about whatever when she said it, and I was shocked; had NO idea that this woman was ever obese. She didn't tell me as a way to motivate me to do it. She was simply sharing a part of her life. I asked her a ton of questions, and that's what starting ME thinking seriously about it. It took close to a year after that for me to actually go through with it, but that spark ignited something inside of me, and moved me toward taking that step. But, if that comment came from some stranger off the street, I may have been offended. I think, if we're having a casual conversation with someone already, and they mention that they had surgery, that's fine. But out of the clear blue......someone telling you that they understand what you're going through......when they have no idea who you are, is just wrong. IMHO, of course.

Edited March 20, 2014 by mrsto

[Sharpie 3,306]

While we all want to share our success with WLS I doubt back in my heavy days if someone came up to me and said have you considered WLS I would have been p'd off. It took many years for me to face my problem and most people have to make their own decision as to when it is time. My stepdaughter was almost 300 lbs @ 5'3 and my husband told me I should tell her to have lapband.. I said absolutely not. She would have resented me for interfering in her life and probably wouldn't listen. She is now on a weight loss plan and has lost 85 lbs through dieting and exercise.. I am so proud of her and I pray it last. But now and again we consult on nutrition but I still do not give her advice.

[KayleeC14 159]

Your story has hit home for me because it reminded me of my grandfather. My grandfather will and always be my hero in my eyes. I come from a family who has always been bigger hardly any of us are "skinny" always had curves, and extra meat on our bones. My grandfather was always a big man, he was pushing 500 pounds. Growing up going to grandma and grandpas house was always the norm same with waiting to eat Breakfast with grandpa because he would make the best eggs known to man. Going over there was like the story book grandparents house. Grandma always had Breakfast on the table for you, we made Cookies together, drank the cold coffee that grandma didn't finish, made crafts, had grandma pre-school, and we always had big meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My grandpa would make us girls finish whats on our plate before leaving the table. When I was three we almost lost my grandfather from congestive heart failure. I remember the day going to see him in the hospital and not knowing my hero was going to return. I was only three but I understood what he was going through. The doctors gave him less than ten years to live.

​Well moving on to my sophomore year in high school, my grandpa became sick. I stepped up with my mom and helped take care of him. I watched my grandfather fall out of bed, and I had to pick this man up and put him back in bed. The strong man who I loved dearly was becoming weaker and weaker. He was the still the 500 pound man. Every morning he would tell me that I need to eat better, because he didn't want to see me be his weight or be like him. I would tell him I am trying, and promise him I wouldn't. Sadly on memorial day weekend 2006 he passed away in hospice from congestive heart failure from being overweight. My world ended.

Before having this surgery I thought a lot about those years with my grandpa and him telling me never be like him weight wise. I already failed one weight loss surgery and was thinking of a second. I told myself if my grandpa was offered weight loss surgery back when I was three I believe he would take it knowing he would be around for more of his grandchildren's lives. If he was given the choice for weight loss surgery back in 2006 before he passed, I know he wouldn't take it. Those thirteen years changed my grandpa and that last year you could tell he was giving up. I wrote my letter to the surgeon telling her this same story I am telling you and was approved. Had my revision surgery in November 2013.

It wakes a lot for somebody to really look at themselves in raw form to really make this life changing decision. This story hit home for me because my grandpa was a big man who I helped up many times and he had the bluest eyes and kindest soul around.

Edited March 20, 2014 by KayleeC14

[jamilyne 102668 1,207]

My husband and I recently met a couple. The gentleman is in his late 60s and weighs over 500 pounds. He can barely get around. He spends his days in an armchair and then struggles to get into his electric wheelchair. I was over there the other day and I see some Protein shakes on their counter and I asked if I could look at the bottle (because I'm nosey about anything protein-lol). I confided in her that I had wls and she said - so did Frank. I couldn't believe it. He had surgery in August of this year and has lost over 80 pounds.

Wls for most of us just clicked that we were becoming overweight, had some health issues, and we were tired of being on this "roller coaster". Wls for others is truly a life-saving surgery, like it was for Frank.

I have such sympathy for anyone overweight and I completely feel their pain.

[steph2012 252]

Beautiful post & very interesting follow up conversation. I tend to agree - no matter how well intentioned, there is a time & place for sharing weight loss information. I'm not sure if I would be hurt, offended or happy about the unsolicited advice...

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I had a car accident 3 years ago. It took 6 very strong people to carry me on a board to the ambulance. I managed to turn and see only 2 carrying another accident victim to the ambulance...horrified I started right then to ball like a baby. i was already set to have surgery but had wished I did not have to wait 4 years for it...

I also fainted once because I blew out a rib and the ambulance was told they needed extra help as the woman was over 300 lbs. That went over every radio in the city...

A few weeks later I stumbled and my husband said If you fall I will have to call an ambulance to pick you up because I can't. He was not mean it mean or anything... It was just fact....

All the way up to my surgery I was abused like most of you were. Now after all of this....I have decided I will not tolerate it if I see it hear it or learn about these ignorant comments.....I will react..I will take no prisoners!

Thank you for your story...I have tears running down my face........

Edited March 21, 2014 by RJ'S/beginning

[Andrew0929 1,101]

Recently while at the grocery store I saw a young girl (18-22) in a scooter who was very very large. My estimate is that she was 450-500 pounds.

Is was late at night and the store was pretty empty. She and I were going up and down the same isles and I kept thinking about having a discussion with her about WLS but couldn't get myself to do it, fearing that I would insult her.

I wish someone pulled me aside years ago and had that discussion.

[BariatricGirl 220]

I've felt it myself.....wanting to open a conversation with someone I see & tell them "I understand", etc. Before WLS was even a spark in my mind, I think I would have rejected someone coming out of the clear blue with that brand of dialogue. There is a time and a place, and "cold calling" isn't it.

My time and place was when my next-door neighbor told me that she had a bypass. We were just chit chatting about whatever when she said it, and I was shocked; had NO idea that this woman was ever obese. She didn't tell me as a way to motivate me to do it. She was simply sharing a part of here life. I asked her a ton of questions, and that's what starting ME thinking seriously about it. It took close to a year after that for me to actually go through with it, but that spark ignited something inside of me, and moved me toward taking that step. But, if that comment came from some stranger off the street, I may have been offended. I think, if we're having a casual conversation with someone already, and they mention that they had surgery, that's fine. But out of the clear blue......someone telling you that they understand what you're going through......when they have no idea who you are, is just wrong. IMHO, of course.

Mrsto you took the words right out of my mouth! I meant to add that to the article and I know I need to so I will. I have never ever approached anyone but have done the same thing with neighbors or people that brought up a subject where I could just mention that I was obese in the past. I was much different when I was obese (what's new, I'm just weird) about being approached but that didn't happen 13 years ago. When I saw Carnie Wilson on TV I jumped on it and made an appointment in 15 minutes.

I do want to tell one story that made me happy that I am so open about my surgery. I checked into a hotel for a WLS event and the bellman asked why I was in town and I told him. I showed him my before/after pictures and talked about how my life had changed, He suddenly hung his head in shame and said "Oh no....I have a lot of apologizing to do". I asked why and he told me that his wife had been begging him to let her have surgery for 3 years and he thought it was sheer quackery. He told me he was going home to give her some good news and tell her how sorry he was for not believing her. That story always makes me happy!

[parisshel 1,892]

My heart has always felt a pang when I saw a very obese person out and about, and now even more so, when I know (think, perhaps, is a better word) there is a sustainable way for us to get to a healthy, mobile size.

It was an odd coincidence, but last Tuesday, afterI had my one-year band consult with my bariatric surgeon, I was taking the bus back home and a massively obese woman got on. It is very rare to see 400-500 pound women in Paris (I'm not sure where they put them!) and I just speculated on what hell her life must be here. She easily filled the two bus seats and spilled over those. She had obviously just come from the bakery and was carrying a fresh baguette (which I imagined other people thinking "That's the last thing she should be eating."). I wondered how she bought clothing here, where the largest size is a size 12 (and that is considered a plus size).

Being just fresh from my one-year appointment, where I got so much positive feedback from my surgeon, I wanted to tell her there was a way out of the Obese Ghetto. Of course I didn't say anything, but I so very much wanted to convey this hope to her...that she should not just throw in the towel. I watched her struggle to get up and off the bus at her stop, and then shuffle/walk into her building. It was just so sad...this lack of mobility, lack of being able to move freely in the world.

Now I'm depressing myself and will stop here.

[Seela 1,187]

I'm a hair stylist and I never even considered wls. About 5 years ago a new client came in, a man, skinny little fella. I asked him what he did for a living and he told me he was a bariatric surgeon. I was instantly uncomfortable. Then he went on for 20 minutes about how I should get wls, about how the odd are stacked against me for doing it on my own, about how while I may be able to lose weight on my own but I would never be able to keep it off. Well, needless to say all that did was make me mad and humiliated. He came in every month. He didn't always talk about it but he often did. Not the best bedside manner, but a brilliant and successful surgeon. 4 years after our initial meeting I had surgery, with him as my surgeon. He pissed me off but if he hadn't I may never had even had surgery on my radar. I've never been so grateful to be made mad and humiliated in my life.

[KeeWee 470]

I'm a hair stylist and I never even considered wls. About 5 years ago a new client came in, a man, skinny little fella. I asked him what he did for a living and he told me he was a bariatric surgeon. I was instantly uncomfortable. Then he went on for 20 minutes about how I should get wls, about how the odd are stacked against me for doing it on my own, about how while I may be able to lose weight on my own but I would never be able to keep it off. Well, needless to say all that did was make me mad and humiliated. He came in every month. He didn't always talk about it but he often did. Not the best bedside manner, but a brilliant and successful surgeon. 4 years after our initial meeting I had surgery, with him as my surgeon. He pissed me off but if he hadn't I may never had even had surgery on my radar. I've never been so grateful to be made mad and humiliated in my life.

God works in mysterious ways!!

[KeeWee 470]

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to an appointment and I saw a really large man walking down the street. Because of his size and the near 100 degree temperature, I knew he had to be extremely uncomfortable. As I pulled into my parking place I glanced in my rear view mirror and watched this man trip with a force that propelled him like a rocket to the concrete. I bolted from my car and ran to him...his arm was already bloody.

"Let me help you up". He had salt and pepper hair and perhaps the kindest sky blue eyes I have ever seen.

With a perfect Texas drawl he said "Little lady you're gonna have to pack a little more lead in the rear to help me up!" My heart was breaking for him. I grabbed him by his good arm and we rocked....1, 2, 3, and I pulled with everything I had. No matter how much I wanted to help this man, I couldn't get him off the ground. He explained he was walking to work and I at first got the impression he was trying to get some exercise. I asked him to stay put and I'd get some help and as I ran into the building, there were just a few tiny women and elderly people that could be of no help. By the time I got back out, a man had stopped to help him up. He was hurt....I told him there was a doctor inside, would he please come in? I know he was both surprised and ashamed that I would help him. He chuckled and said he was alright (he wasn't). As he walked out of my sight he said "It's time to go on that diet".

Of course I knew he'd been on hundreds of diets, just like I had. It was the perfect time to have shared my story but yet it wasn't. I wish I had at least gotten his contact information so that maybe my signature on my email would perhaps spark a conversation.

Maybe he didn't have a car and had to go into work anyway for fear of losing his job because of his size. Maybe he couldn't afford to call for an ambulance. So many "maybes". Every day since then I have considered waiting at that parking space to see if I could locate him again. He felt so much embarrassment and I wanted to tell him that I knew there was a perfectly loving man inside trying to get out. I wanted to tell him so many things but most of all that I didn't see him as just a morbidly obese man....that he was just as valid and worthy as anybody and the shell he lived in did not make him "less than".

I fell a few weeks before that and was in extreme pain so I could only imagine what he was dealing with. Tears ran down my face for the rest of the day. Call me silly for wanting to do this but I'm going back to try to find him. I want him to know why I didn't judge him that day.

And why I cried.

p.s. I just added this because I do want everyone to know that I would NEVER give anyone unsolicited advice because I have seen it happen and someone got the response "I've already had WLS". Much like asking a woman if she's pregnant....not until I see the crowning of the baby's head would I ever ask when someone's baby is due. I just wanted to make sure everyone understood that.

*Note- I wrote this in 2011 and reread it the other day. I decided to share it here because the comments left on this blog post were so memorable and heartfelt. If you'd like to read them you can see them here.

I've been back to that same parking spot every month basically at the same time of the day ever since that day. I have unfortunately never found him again. If I ever do, I hope he'll let me take a picture with him so you can see his beautiful blue eyes and the kindest face you could ever imagine.

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You are a beautiful person! Thank you for this post! Good to know there are some still left. God Bless..

[Recycled 2,182]

We see it, we read about it and we live it. The obesity plague is rampant. We have all gone thru the feelings of hopelessness and despair about ever being normal again. Now, I feel like I am one of a select few that has found a new path back to a normal life and I am not satisfied with that.

I look around and notice every obese person and imagine myself helping them onto that same path. It is overwhelming at times. So many......I have to do something.

But as you and so many others have stated, it would be inappropriate. I know that..... but I can't just leave it there. Besides, I have led a life of doing inappropriate things. So why would this stop me. I've got to find a way to offer whatever insight I can about this to others.

Funny thing is.....while one type of condition or handicap may be viewed as inappropriate, another is not.

I came across a very obese man in the gym the other day struggling with a knee brace and bandages. After looking around the gym he sat down and almost without hesitation, I saw my opportunity. I approached him an introduced myself. I I asked him about his knee and he said he just had a knee replacement. Having both my knees replaced a little while back, I offered some tips on his recovery.

Then in a less than subtle segway, I referenced how I was worried my weight would damage my new knees...so I sought a solution. Telling him I am three months out and 55 pounds down and feel great, really amazed him. The rest is history. After about 30 minutes of his asking a slew of questions about WLS, I left him with the information to a local seminar and went on my way.

Ok, one person may not make a big impact, but it was satisfying for me.

Now, I'm working on ways to reach the rest.