Mixed feelings

[Roo101769 742]

I have wrote on this topic before, but it doesn't seem to go away. It is my very mixed feelings about a good friend who also had gastric sleeve surgery. Let me start with a little back story...I met my friend our senior year in high school. We clicked right away and soon were thick as thieves. He is a gay male that went through the very painful "coming out" after high school, in our late teens / early twenties. I supported him 100% in everything. When his mother was unable to accept who he was,( he was raised by a single mom as an only child) I stood by his side. As he went through the first years after coming out, learning how to navigate the gay world, I was there too. We were the best of friends. We took vacations together. We worked at the same hotel together for a couple of years. And he was there for me too, as my friend. As our lives took twists and turns our friendship remained. Over the years we had falling outs, but always made up. One year we had a gift of the Magi moment at Christmas when we gave each other the exact same gift! ( A framed picture of the two of us- we both had the exact same picture made into a 5x7 and framed ) About 13 years ago ( early 2000s) my friend was diagnosed with Hodgekins Lymphoma. By this time he had a partner for several years as well as his mother did come around to accept them. I was there for him any time he needed me, but I was more in the background by this point. I am happy to say he beat his cancer and has been free and clear for 10+ years. The point is, we have been close friends for over 20 years. Also during this time we have been diet buddies. There are countless sets of "before" pictures of the two of us as we were determined to work together to lose weight. We joined a gym together when my marriage ended and I needed to get back my life. We tried to influence each other in good ways, but we also sabotaged each other at times too. Over the last few years both of us gained a LOT of weight. Granted during this time our lives have taken us in different directions, but we have kept in touch. I have been over for birthdays and holidays. He has come to see me during my various stays in the hospital for blood clots. We have stayed friends...Until recently. Now I feel our friendship has been slipping away and it has me feeling all kinds of emotions.

I had my surgery on October 21, 2013. I made the decision to do it the previous July and started on the path in earnest in August. When I told my friend of my decision he surprised me by saying he was thinking about it too. He had once before set out to have the Roux-n-Y done, but "chickened out" after the informational seminar. He said he had been thinking about surgery again and had happened upon gastric sleeve. We talked at length about the surgery and I told him I had made my decision, and would support him whatever he chose to do. Several weeks later I hear from him to say he too has made the choice to have the sleeve, but his mother is not happy about it and his partner is against it. I go back into supportive friend mode, the same friend who was there for his coming out. We talk and share ideas and plans and information over the next couple of months. As my surgery grows closer and I am going through the pre op steps I share it all with him, to let him know what to expect. I have my surgery and he comes to visit me, once bringing his mother along. This helps her to accept his decision and from that point out she begins supporting him. (although his partner was against the idea up until he had his surgery) Shortly after my surgery I notice the first shift in things with my friend. He isn't as chatty. He doesn't seem to want to hear about what I am going through during my recovery and first weeks after surgery. I know he is now in his final weeks prepping for his own surgery and maybe that has a lot to do with it. All I know is I need MY friend and he was pulling away. He did no kind of dieting before his surgeon ordered pre op diet. While it was entirely his choice, I was trying to suggest maybe he change some of his eating habits on his own to help him be successful. Maybe my advice hit him the wrong way, I don't know. He had his surgery on 12/17/2013. He used a different surgeon and hospital so his experience was quite a bit different than mine had been. While I was wanting to talk and compare and support one another, he was just not interested. The last time I have physically been in his company was shortly before Christmas, about 5 days after his surgery. He stopped by my house to drop of CANDY!!! ( at this point he still wasn't "with the program") He has decided to blog his experience. This has been how I have kept up with him, through blogs. He no longer calls me. I have to call him several times to finally hear from him. He has done amazing in his weight loss. Being the over achiever he is once he sets his mind on a goal he was in the gym exercising by 3wks post surgery. He goes to the gym 5-6 days a week. (gets up at 3:30am and goes before work) He has a personal trainer he works with. And all of this makes me jealous- I admit it. I am a single mom. I can't get up and go to a gym at 3:30am. I can't go during lunch for various reasons. I could go after work, but feel guilty taking my daughter from a sitter where she has spent the past 9 hours only to drop her in a daycare at the Y. ( only place I could find that has child care service available for it's clients) I know they are excuses, but they are valid. I do not have the finances my friend has to hire a trainer either. This is where our different lifestyles play a huge role. His ability to focus more on himself has helped him achieve greater results than I have been able to. Ok, there is the whole genetic thing that he is a guy and men lose faster than women blah blah blah. I get it, on an intellectual basis. But to see his blog saying how he has lost 96lbs since his pre op diet started 12/7 and how great he has done. He has never stalled. ( I did at about 3wks out) He has only started to have to deal with thinning hair.( mine has almost all fallen out and I wear a wig) The jealousy is a stupid feeling, but I think it is because he has turned away from me. Had we been there as friends to support each other, I think I would just be happy for him. But I have learned about his life through Youtube! He changed jobs, I found out on a blog. He got a new cat, I found out on a blog. He gives shout outs to those who have supported him ( his mom, his partner) yet I was the one who has always supported him and he has forgotten me. It hurts me deeply.

I have wrote this before and it was suggested I tell him. I just haven't had the courage. I know I need to, but I am afraid. I am afraid that the reality that our friendship may be gone will come true. It does happen, I get that. I even posted about it on another forum yesterday. I just feel this is different. We have gone through so much and have been friends for so long. I truly thought both of us having this surgery would just be another way our friendship could evolve. But it has not. I am so proud of him and happy he has had such success. At the same time I miss the friend he was....

[Shannon Mcmanus 32]

I would send him a copy of what you wrote above... let him know how you feel and then it's in his hands to get in touch, if he does you can work on your friendship, if not you need to move on!

good luck!

[StephanieRR 131]

I'm a firm believer that people come and go in our lives for a reason. Sometimes we are the support and sometimes we are the supported. Friendships are funny things. Some friends I may not hear from or talk to for years, yet we can pick up over a simple phone call like it was yesterday and have great conversation. It doesn't mean we'll go back to best friends,but it shows we still care even if our lives are "too busy or moved apart". I feel for you that you are hurting, but be sure you are not overlooking close friendships who are there for you now while you are trying to recapture the friendship you once had. Send your letter and pray for the best or you will always wonder. Wishing you well.

[Roo101769 742]

The sad part is, I only have three friends I consider "close". One lives in Florida, is a professor who teaches several classes both online and in the classroom and works for her dad's exterminating company. Although we try hard to stay in touch there are long periods of time where I may not hear from her, but I understand that completely.. My second close friend lives in another part of Ohio and has her own issues. We stay in better touch, but certainly do not see one another regularly. Last year we saw each other all of once. But we do communicate frequently so it seems we are still close. And of course the person I wrote about above. I did reach out to him one last time after writing this post. I sent him an email congratulating him on his weight loss, then I said I was sad I only keep up with his life happenings through his blogs. He wrote back and admitted he too thought we would be in more contact after surgery and apologized he hasn't been. He said he is free next week after work so there is plans to get together to reconnect and see if we can turn things around. Fingers crossed. He is a friend worth fighting for, that is what was making me so terribly sad. I plan to tell him how I feel and hopefully it is the motivation he needs to remember how good of friends we have been.