Performance Anxiety / Living up to other people's expectations

[DeniseNCC1701 306]

Hello everyone!

I'm just over 3 weeks postop, and have been doing well. I'm trying to be careful not to compare my results with everyone else, and when I feel discouraged, I acknowledge that my own journey is unique and is just beginning. I know that if I stay true to the plan (and myself) the results will follow.

All my friends, family and co-workers know that I've had the surgery, and I've gotten support from those that are most important to me. However, there is a part of me that is stressed about having to deliver results. And fast. I feel like I have to "perform" now. And I feel that if I don't loose huge amounts of weight, my efforts will be deemed not good enough, and that I am a failure. It's self-sabatoge at it's best… it is the story of my life and part of the reason I got to almost 400lbs! I see it starting already, and I am determined to not let it get the best of me.

(breath… say to self "trust the process"… lather, rinse, repeat)

I will be seeing a therapist about this (and other things) this week, but I'm curious if anyone else feels this way? And how do you deal with it?

Be well...

[PdxMan 4,292]

I think it is a rare person who doesn't understand your feelings to some degree. But we have to remember that we will never be able to live up to the expectations we THINK other people have. Right there lies the first fallacy. We often believe others have greater expectations of us than they actually have. And I am not just talking about weight loss. I believe I have to be a rock star at work everyday. Every project, I must hit it out of the park because I believe that is what is expected of me. Then I go in for my review and my boss tells me I am exceeding his expectations and I should dial it back sometimes.

When I reflect on this and other situations, I have come to understand it is actually the expectations I place on myself. Again, I will never be able to meet those expectations. I have to remember that like others, we are fallible. All people including myself are not perfect. I just need to focus on doing the next right thing. And when doing the next right thing, I focus on doing it the best I can. If I can do this, moment to moment, I have right-sized the expectations I have placed on myself, and therefore, right-sized the expectations I believe others have placed on me.

I get to breathe, relax and enjoy the fact that I am making moves which will result in a healthier me. People will question my progress, which will then make me question myself. But you said it perfectly:

"Trust the process"

I know deep down in my heart that if I continue to follow the guidelines, there is no way I will not lose the fat I want to lose. I am my own worst enemy, at times. When I want to do things contrary to the guidelines, that is an opportunity to really get deep with myself and discover why I have these demons which led me to a life of morbid obesity.

This truly has been an incredible journey for me of self discovery and I hope it is for you, too.

[StephanieRR 131]

I've had this very similar situation myself. I was so worried about the scale since my co-workers would say, "so how much wight have you lost now?" It was like they were waiting to hear some astronomical number!! I almost felt like I was disappointing them if I said 12pounds etc.... I discussed this the last time I went to my nutritionist and she wasn't happy with my thinking. Here was her tips: 1. it's no one's business how much you've lost. #2 Everyone is different and we all have our own journey. She said I'll be losing for the next year to year and a half so what's the rush. Do it slow and healthy. Enjoy it! #3.and the most painful in my book..Stop weighing myself everyday! Only weigh once a week tops. Go as long as I can without weighing. She said I will be forced to enjoy how I feel and my accomplishments without the dreaded numbers on a scale hanging over my head.... She was sooo right! I haven't weighed since that visit on 2/21/14. I go back on 03/28/14 and I can't wait! She is going to be so happy for me. Plus I feel sensational. I'm not worried about my weight cause I feel so incredibly good and my clothes are big! ...I hope the best for you!!

[PdxMan 4,292]

I agree with #3. The scale can only bring disappointment and resentment in the long run.

As far as friends/co-workers asking me how much I had lost, I would tell them, "I've lost 500 pounds! Can you believe it? You would have never guessed I weighed that much before!" (I was around 300# when I started)

They would look at me like I was speaking another language and they never asked me again. They got the point.

[dlc0963 22]

You are not alone in your feelings.. I have been very open about my surgery and have told pretty much everyone in my life. I'm down 40 lbs bur few people have commented or have seemed to notice. My fear is that I'll be the first WLS patient to not loose weight and everyone will see I'm a failure. I work hard to keep focused on how I feel and not the number. Keep myself in the resent.

[DeniseNCC1701 306]

Thank you for all the responses! I had my first session with a psychotherapist, and I'm looking forward to working with her to address this issue. But it's nice to see I'm not alone in my thoughts.

I've been weighing myself every couple of days. I will limit myself to 1x/week for now, and try not to obsess about the what the scale says. And about the other people expectations? PdxMan said it well... "We often believe others have greater expectations of us than they actually have." Amen to that.

Be well…

[aNewTanya 109]

I have the same fear. I really regret telling everyone about the surgery. I was just so excited to have it that i basically shouted from the roof tops! But now I'm thinking that wasn't such a great idea because now everyone is like "Oh you're going to be skinny!" Ugh. No, I will never be and actually don't strive to be 'skinny'. I want to be healthy. So I fear they have some grandiose plan for me and I won't live up to that. But, I really have to focus on my goals and not what others may want for me.

So didn't mean to hijack your post, just wanted to show you that there are those who have the same fears as you. We're all in this together

[UpandAtom 126]

I agree with #3. The scale can only bring disappointment and resentment in the long run. As far as friends/co-workers asking me how much I had lost, I would tell them, "I've lost 500 pounds! Can you believe it? You would have never guessed I weighed that much before!" (I was around 300# when I started) They would look at me like I was speaking another language and they never asked me again. They got the point.

Hey PDXMan. Are you a FOB?

[PdxMan 4,292]

I agree with #3. The scale can only bring disappointment and resentment in the long run. As far as friends/co-workers asking me how much I had lost, I would tell them, "I've lost 500 pounds! Can you believe it? You would have never guessed I weighed that much before!" (I was around 300# when I started) They would look at me like I was speaking another language and they never asked me again. They got the point.

Hey PDXMan. Are you a FOB?

Uhhh ... maybe ... what's a FOB?

[UpandAtom 126]

Sorry! I see I quailed this wrong as well. But FOB means friend of Bill W.

[PdxMan 4,292]

Sorry! I see I quailed this wrong as well. But FOB means friend of Bill W.

Am I that obvious!!?? LOL!

I make it no secret here that I belong to a 12 step group and try to use many of the principles on BariatricPal. Especially the last step as it is a constant reminder of where I came from and where I will end up if I return to abusing food the way I did.

But alas, I do not wish to hijack a very good thread. PM me if you have any thoughts.