Anyone having trouble with friends?

[Shea_Shea 39]

One of my best friends was so supportive when I got my surgery now I feel like she is trying to sabotage me. People are saying it's best I was always the "fat" friend and wasn't a threat. But she is still so much smaller then me that she should have nothing to worry about. I tried talking to her and that ended up with us fighting and not speaking at work. Then when she did speak to me it was to tell me it was my fault and I was the hurtful one. All I did was cancel plans for dinner because when we went out the night before she was clearly trying to break my diet by putting all this food in front of me and order so much alcohol a grown man couldn't drink that much. I would never tell someone they can't drink but all the time we've known each other she has never ordered that much. And I don't appreciate her trying to put food on my plate when she knows I can't have it. I even asked her if we can go out and do other things besides going to dinner or a bar and she said no. It sucks because we are so close but I feel like I need to watch my back. Am I just overreacting?

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

There are a lot of threads on this site that talk about this very subject. In fact most of us have a story to tell. I am sorry that this has happened already to you. You know now that this individual is not a supporter for you.

You can evaluate the friendship and decide if it is worth fighting for or not. Sorry hun. Most on this forum have faced what you are facing and chose to go on in life without that extra baggage. I did. I lost all my friends except one. I don't know if it is because she needs me more then I need her or that she truly loves me...But she is the only one that is still part of my life. The rest received letters explaining the end of our friendships and I have not heard from any of them since...

Hope it does not come to that for you...But right now so early out......you need true honest and helpful support!

All the best kid!

Edited March 18, 2014 by RJ'S/beginning

[Mikee57 699]

Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster and it sounds like your friend is acting that way right now. She could be feeling you pull away from her that might be hurting her and she doesn't know how to handle it...so she is using eating and drinking as an excuse. Maybe lay low for awhile and just let her vent, if she is worth keeping you will stand your ground, but let her know that food and drinking is not the way to friendship. Let her know you would like her along side of you on this journey (your surgery), but you will understand if she doesn't feel she can be there for you. Sometimes we have to let go of people who are as you said are sabotaging you. Hang in there sweetie...it will be okay...stay strong and look forward to your future!

[Roo101769 742]

I have thought a LOT about this. I actually haven't had any friends who have sabotaged me, but I have had friend issues. One friend has become very distant from me. The weird part? He had the surgery on 12/17! I thought for sure we would be closer than ever, that both of us having the surgery would just further bound our friendship. Instead he has virtually ignored me. It has hurt me deeply and I have all sorts of negative reasons floating around in my head. But at the end of the day I suppose it is because he is on his journey and I am on mine. I also have a coworker that I got into a fight with. This person is the type of coworker that everyone hates to have. She is nosey, opinionated, a liar, and just generally not nice to be around. But over the years those of us who have to deal with her daily have tolerated her behavior for the most part, just grew thick shells. ( because upper management obviously will not do anything about her and we have to work with her) Anyway, one day a month ago I had all I could take of her. It was a particularly bad day for me (just wasn't feeling well) and I snapped. I told her off in no uncertain words. I regret I did it at work, because it was unprofessional. But I don't regret doing it. This incident made me think about how many times people who have lost weight "change". The former friends of people who have lost weight say "so and so changed". They say our attitudes change. I think it is true. I think when you are obese you tend to go out of your way to please people. We have put up with far more BS than we should. I think it is because it is how we perceive our role in friendships and relationships. There is already a strong sense of "we aren't worthy" dealing with the obesity and it transfers over to other areas of our lives. We accept less than perfect friendships because they are better than no friendships. And many put up with bad personal relationships because it beats being alone. But then that all starts to change when we decide to do something for ourselves. By having WLS we are looking out for #1 first and foremost. It is our health, our bodies, our lives. We start to shift in our perception of life as we lose weight. Suddenly what we accepted before becomes less tolerable. It is NOT ok to be the "fat friend" because we aren't anymore. People who treat us badly are no longer acceptable because we don't accept treating ourselves badly anymore. It does change us, more than just physically. So when pondering the loss of a friend after WLS just remember it is because YOU are becoming the better person. YOU are worth better!!!!

[LadyDiva618 359]

You will find out who is with you and who is againist you. So I say "F*ck the world if they can't adjust!" You are a healthier person now and keep moving! You got this!

[2muchfun 8,927]

I read these kind of posts often and then I think, "and we're supposed to be the ones with (food/eating) mental problems"?

It just amazes me how mental, friends and relatives can become over something so simple as a little surgical procedure?

tmf

[mariamitani 405]

I lost a friend that I was friends with for 7 years. Many times I thought about going back and talking to her but my final desision is that if I ment so much to her as she did to me she would have tried harder to keep the relationship going. Love your self and don't put up with anyone's crap we are worthy of a normal relationship. It hurts but you have to do what is right for you. It sucks how people are! It still hurts

[gowalking 10,790]

I know it hurts, but you have to remember that people come into our lives, and sometimes they leave our lives. I've had friendships end for a myriad of reasons but I also remind myself that some of these friends came into my life because of where I was on my journey and then left as I moved on to another phase in my life.

I lost my husband nearly 20 years ago and became friends with some of the ladies in my bereavement group. Some of these women were friends for 10 years, but today....I am no longer in touch with any of them. It hurt, but it is what it is. Same for when I moved to another state. Wasn't even that far..really just from one side of the Hudson River to the other as I went from Jersey to NYC but lost some friends anyway. So remember, this too may mean losing some friendships. But you may also make new friends as you lose the weight. Embrace that and try to minimize the losses. Good luck!!

[mrsto 2,925]

I have thought a LOT about this. I actually haven't had any friends who have sabotaged me, but I have had friend issues. One friend has become very distant from me. The weird part? He had the surgery on 12/17! I thought for sure we would be closer than ever, that both of us having the surgery would just further bound our friendship. Instead he has virtually ignored me. It has hurt me deeply and I have all sorts of negative reasons floating around in my head. But at the end of the day I suppose it is because he is on his journey and I am on mine. I also have a coworker that I got into a fight with. This person is the type of coworker that everyone hates to have. She is nosey, opinionated, a liar, and just generally not nice to be around. But over the years those of us who have to deal with her daily have tolerated her behavior for the most part, just grew thick shells. ( because upper management obviously will not do anything about her and we have to work with her) Anyway, one day a month ago I had all I could take of her. It was a particularly bad day for me (just wasn't feeling well) and I snapped. I told her off in no uncertain words. I regret I did it at work, because it was unprofessional. But I don't regret doing it. This incident made me think about how many times people who have lost weight "change". The former friends of people who have lost weight say "so and so changed". They say our attitudes change. I think it is true. I think when you are obese you tend to go out of your way to please people. We have put up with far more BS than we should. I think it is because it is how we perceive our role in friendships and relationships. There is already a strong sense of "we aren't worthy" dealing with the obesity and it transfers over to other areas of our lives. We accept less than perfect friendships because they are better than no friendships. And many put up with bad personal relationships because it beats being alone. But then that all starts to change when we decide to do something for ourselves. By having WLS we are looking out for #1 first and foremost. It is our health, our bodies, our lives. We start to shift in our perception of life as we lose weight. Suddenly what we accepted before becomes less tolerable. It is NOT ok to be the "fat friend" because we aren't anymore. People who treat us badly are no longer acceptable because we don't accept treating ourselves badly anymore. It does change us, more than just physically. So when pondering the loss of a friend after WLS just remember it is because YOU are becoming the better person. YOU are worth better!!!!

So well said!

[PdxMan 4,292]

I believe the bottom line comes down to a basic question.

What are you willing to do to meet your weight loss goals?

Let me tell a little side story when I first got sober. I had abused alcohol for years using it as a crutch to avoid feelings and emotions I just as soon not have or just tried to displace them. When I had my "A-ha" moment, when I realized I could no longer go on like this, I sought help. When I came out of the hospital, I returned to my life as "normal", getting support through groups, but at the same time, trying to hang out with my "friends". They wanted to go to the bars and shoot pool, play darts and do all the things we did. I would go and drink soda, but they were very threatened by my sobriety. The bartender of our oft visited place pulled me aside and told me that other people at the bar, not just my friends, were very uncomfortable with my presence there. He said I was like a mirror to them revealing their own issues with alcoholism. Every time I walked in, I showed them their faults. Like your friends, mine tried to buy me drinks and shots. That way, I would once again be "just like them".

Someone in my support circle told me it was time to leave that life behind. If I continued, there would be no way I could stay sober. It was merely a matter of time before I returned to abusing alcohol as I once did. So, I had to look deep inside myself. Which was more important? My friends or my sobriety? As you may have guessed, it was my sobriety. I let my friends know this and told them I would love to do other things with them which did not include alcohol. Hiking ... seeing a movie ... whatever. I never received a call from any of them. That was the price I had to pay, but it was so worth it. I discovered they were not truly friends if they could not support me in this decision. That was 14 years ago and I haven't heard from any of them since.

So ... how does this relate? Re-read this and substitute "food" in there wherever you see alcohol (and related thoughts. Alcohol=food, bars=restaurant, sobriety=WLS). I don't think there really is much difference. If I have people in my life who would rather sabotage than support, I would really need to weigh the value of their presence in my life. It doesn't matter if it is food, alcohol ...

Edited March 18, 2014 by PdxMan

[mrsto 2,925]

PdxMan - so well put. Many relationships are based on sharing these types of things together; drinking, drugs, food, etc. When one person stops doing it, the whole dynamic changes. Years ago, the last time I dropped 90 pounds, I myself no longer enjoyed spending time with one of my very good friends. We used to sit & eat, drink, smoke pot.....for years. When I stopped doing all of it and reclaimed my life, it was no longer fun to hang out with people doing it. She is a good enough friend that my absence didn't end the relationship. But her feeling was, it's fine if you don't want to partake in whatever, but I'm still comfortable doing what I'm doing. We no longer spent the same kind of time together, and saw each other much less. I went in a whole other direction, and at a different point in her life, so did she. Anyway......that friendship remained, but others were lost.

My friend's (same friend) sister is a full blown alcoholic. Her husband is a pot head/drinker. This is what they've done together since they met. She goes through periods of wanting to get help and stop drinking, but she also knows that the marriage will end. They have an autistic child, and a lot on both of their plates. Anyway......I guess what I'm trying to bring out is that once one person leaves a shared addiction behind, most times, the relationship ends. Sad but true. And logically, it has to be that way so the "healthy" one can continue on their healthy path.

[shmily 424]

My family all live in another state except for my hubby of course, and my son and daughter about 1-1/2 away. My daughter is overwt and supported me in the beginning but now is combative about it. Her and her husband wanted to bring fried chicken (my fav) here for Easter and I said NO but they could certainly go eat it there. So far nothing has bothered me, I have made nice meals for my husband, including bacon and french toast, popcorn, omelet, and lots of other things. Went to the movies and watched him eat his big popcorn and smelled it all through the theater. But I just don't want to smell the fried chicken..I have told very few people that know me, and none of my family out of state. I didn't want to deal with their opinions and the "why can't you just go on a diet". I figure it is my business anyway. Funny how most socialization is built around drinking or eating and we never really notice it until we start our new life.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I believe the bottom line comes down to a basic question.

What are you willing to do to meet your weight loss goals?

Let me tell a little side story when I first got sober. I had abused alcohol for years using it as a crutch to avoid feelings and emotions I just as soon not have or just tried to displace them. When I had my "A-ha" moment, when I realized I could no longer go on like this, I sought help. When I came out of the hospital, I returned to my life as "normal", getting support through groups, but at the same time, trying to hang out with my "friends". They wanted to go to the bars and shoot pool, play darts and do all the things we did. I would go and drink soda, but they were very threatened by my sobriety. The bartender of our oft visited place pulled me aside and told me that other people at the bar, not just my friends, were very uncomfortable with my presence there. He said I was like a mirror to them revealing their own issues with alcoholism. Every time I walked in, I showed them their faults. Like your friends, mine tried to buy me drinks and shots. That way, I would once again be "just like them".

Someone in my support circle told me it was time to leave that life behind. If I continued, there would be no way I could stay sober. It was merely a matter of time before I returned to abusing alcohol as I once did. So, I had to look deep inside myself. Which was more important? My friends or my sobriety? As you may have guessed, it was my sobriety. I let my friends know this and told them I would love to do other things with them which did not include alcohol. Hiking ... seeing a movie ... whatever. I never received a call from any of them. That was the price I had to pay, but it was so worth it. I discovered they were not truly friends if they could not support me in this decision. That was 14 years ago and I haven't heard from any of them since.

So ... how does this relate? Re-read this and substitute "food" in there wherever you see alcohol (and related thoughts. Alcohol=food, bars=restaurant, sobriety=WLS). I don't think there really is much difference. If I have people in my life who would rather sabotage than support, I would really need to weigh the value of their presence in my life. It doesn't matter if it is food, alcohol ...

Boy you really put it all together. Kinda a smart one aren't you! Feel your pain though. i have not been without my old friends as long as you have. I hope I handle it as well as you do...I don't feel so alone in my situation now. i see that someone else experienced it and came through it.

I really want to be like you when I grow up in this area. Esp. when the pain eases. For now it is still fresh for me. But you give me hope!! Thank you for that

[QueensTy 82]

Haters gonna hate.

She's a really s@$tty friend for trying to sabotage you.

[shmily 424]

If instead of saying "I can't have it"...you said "I am full, I don't want it", that would really throw her for a loop......