My Journey

[KristinaRnY 455]

Hello everyone,

My surgery is rearing it's head, coming up on March 24th so I thought I would give you some insight on my journey. Maybe you can relate, maybe not. If my story resonates with one person than I am glad I posted!

I decided to look into weight loss surgery 2 1/2 years ago when I hit an all time high of 318lbs. After numerous failed attempts at weight watchers, hcg, medifast... you name it.. I knew something had to be done. I suffer from depression and PTSD. A huge part of my weight gain can be directly related to events in my childhood. I grew up in a well off family, I never starved or had to worry about not having food. It was one year after I was sexually abused by a family member (more than once) that I began noticing I was bigger than the other kids in my class. Prior to this I was modeling for ABC kids and teens and had a very supportive loving family who encouraged me to be who I wanted to be, my entire life my parents have supported me in every decision (lucky). I never said anything to my parents about being sexually abused because I thought it was my fault and I was embarrassed. I didn't want to hurt my parents or feel like I let them down. I struggled with this weight on my shoulders for about 15 years of my life until 2 years ago when I sought out therapy and someone to talk to. I didn't want to be on anti depressants any longer or anxiety medication because I didn't feel like I was living but merely existing. It was time I figured out a healthy way to cope. Through therapy I was able to come to a lot of realizations just by finally talking to someone about it and reflecting (as hard as that was). One of the realizations I had during therapy was that I was eating A] because I felt it was the only thing in my life I could control and B] because I was using my weight as a shield, as comfort, as protection. I thought if I was big people could not and would not want to abuse me. During my two years of therapy I got off of all of my medications, and gained more weight and hit an all time high of 343. Now I was eating for comfort because of all of these repressed memories I was dealing with and without medication. I was self-medicating with food. Once I had this realization I sought out to get educated on EVERYTHING I was putting into my body. All those words in the ingredients you cant pronounce, I looked them up and read how they affected my body and how my body breaks them down or doesn't. It is amazing how a little education and self discovery can shift your relationship with food! I have recently lost 45 lbs since I have changed my relationship with food. I can finally say I am at a place where I can now eat to live and not live to eat. I spent a lot of time working on me before I decided I was "ready" for WLS. Once I decided I was ready I attended several classes on mastering weight management. This is not something I have taken lightly as I really want to be a better person and live my life for me. This is my second chance at life, better yet the chance I felt was robbed from me. I wanted to be as emotionally, mentally, and physically prepared as I possibly could be before starting this new chapter in my journey, to ensure I would have nothing short of success on what I was about to set out to do. I know this was a long read so thank you to those of you who stuck with me here. P.S. I am so ready! :-D

Edited March 5, 2014 by KristinaRnY

[La Lily 14]

Wow. Quite a journey so far!! I am also going for surgery the 24th. Maybe we can keep in touch and help each other!! I have always been overweight and have had a lap band for 2 years with no success. I feel like this is my last chance. We can do this right? I know how you feel about using your weight as a sheild and food as medicine. It's something I battle with too. Good luck!!

Edited March 6, 2014 by La Lily

[catny402 1]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to so many of the things you have said. Congrats on your decision to change your life, you are going to do amazing!