Your Heart's Desire

[chasingadream 1,311]

Right now...my goal is to find peace....peace with myself and the decisions I make. I had WLS to lose weight, to feel better and so far it is working. The 82 lbs off my 5'4" frame feels amazing and I look in the mirror in awe most days...as a dieter since the age of 16 who knew I could begin to achieve the elusive idea of losing weight AND keeping it off AND not being miserable, dieting or denied.

But I'm now at a point where I beat myself up over every decision I basically make. The biggest one of course is my WLS....happiest decision I ever made and then the fear creeps in...how long will it last? what's happening inside of me? was this, IN FACT, the best long-term decision? Then there is the issue of food choices. I did not get to be 280 lbs by not knowing I have "issues" with food...and now at 5 1/2 months post surgery some of the old habits and urges and feelings about food are creeping back....should I get a fill (haven't had one yet)....will that help--I dont believe so...and I dont want to ruin what is working right now.

I find myself feeling down on myself, feeling sad at times, and mostly angry at myself...am I sabotaging myself ONCE again???? If I eat too much I panic did I stretch my pouch, did I do this or that....

I am an educated woman. I did my research and I went into WLS fully understanding the choices I made...but sometimes the worrisome thoughts take over the reasoning part of my brain....

So as I stop my ranting about my bit of craziness ....i hope for true inner peace and WAY less worrying in my life.

Thank you Jean, for helping me take a good long look at what I truly want and how I am going to get myself there....because I WILL!!!

[gowalking 10,790]

some of the old habits and urges and feelings about food are creeping back....should I get a fill (haven't had one yet)....will that help--I dont believe so...and I dont want to ruin what is working right now.

I find myself feeling down on myself, feeling sad at times, and mostly angry at myself...am I sabotaging myself ONCE again???? If I eat too much I panic did I stretch my pouch, did I do this or that....

Tracy.....I feel like I wrote this. Even though I'm having success at the moment, I still worry constantly about screwing it up again. After the museum, my sister and I grabbed dinner on the cheap...we just went to a diner closeby. I looked at the menu several times to make sure I didn't order something not healthy even though I drifted towards those poor choices. I finally decided on a BLT wrap expecting to eat half along with a few fries. Well...I ate the whole wrap and told myself it was still OK because it was mostly lettuce and Tomato and I added the mayo myself. I also had about 5 or 6 shoestring fries.

Well...my subconcious must have been on high speed last night because I had a nightmare. What was it about? I actually remember. I was at a picnic table and there were pizza's on the table. I dreamed I ate three slices of sicilian. I also remember in my dream how horrible I felt after pigging out like that.

I'm going to have to know that at times, I'll eat more than I normally do but as long as I don't use that to go down the slippery slope of overeating all the time, I hope to be able to live this way for good. Plus....I have an empty band that just like you, can always get some Fluid in it if needed.

Hang in there! We need to organize a girls day as soon as the crappy weather is over, OK? I'd like to see the Rockettes show at Radio City or Bridges of Madison County... I keep looking for discount offers...LOL.

[NancyintheNorth 112]

simply fabulous - thank you for your insight Jean

[Jean McMillan 2,973]

Right now...my goal is to find peace....peace with myself and the decisions I make. I had WLS to lose weight, to feel better and so far it is working. The 82 lbs off my 5'4" frame feels amazing and I look in the mirror in awe most days...as a dieter since the age of 16 who knew I could begin to achieve the elusive idea of losing weight AND keeping it off AND not being miserable, dieting or denied.

But I'm now at a point where I beat myself up over every decision I basically make. The biggest one of course is my WLS....happiest decision I ever made and then the fear creeps in...how long will it last? what's happening inside of me? was this, IN FACT, the best long-term decision? Then there is the issue of food choices. I did not get to be 280 lbs by not knowing I have "issues" with food...and now at 5 1/2 months post surgery some of the old habits and urges and feelings about food are creeping back....should I get a fill (haven't had one yet)....will that help--I dont believe so...and I dont want to ruin what is working right now.

I find myself feeling down on myself, feeling sad at times, and mostly angry at myself...am I sabotaging myself ONCE again???? If I eat too much I panic did I stretch my pouch, did I do this or that....

I am an educated woman. I did my research and I went into WLS fully understanding the choices I made...but sometimes the worrisome thoughts take over the reasoning part of my brain....

So as I stop my ranting about my bit of craziness ....i hope for true inner peace and WAY less worrying in my life.

Thank you Jean, for helping me take a good long look at what I truly want and how I am going to get myself there....because I WILL!!!

I think a lot of people experience at least some of the craziness you describe, not just in the context of WLS but a lot of other life changes. And some of those people (like me) apply our inborn analytic urges to every single thing we do, worsening and prolonging the craziness. But...I agree with Socrates, who said, "the unexamined life is not worth living." I want to live, to understand, to know myself and my world. Sometimes the learning process is very uncomfortable, but on the whole it's worthwhile (for me) and eventually it does get easier. And when I stop learning, I figure it's time for me to go home forever.