How to tell your friends and family that you are having WLS surgery

[Mellie May 23]

How to Tell Your Friends and Family that You are Having WLS Surgery

One of the things that I have struggled the most with in my pre op journey, is knowing how and when to tell my friends and family that I was going to have gastric bypass surgery. I have been terrified to have this conversation with people because I was afraid of being judged or told that they don't support my decision. We've all heard people say that "it's the easy way out," or that "we could loose the excess weight with diet & exercise," and then of course there are people that will tell us, "you don't need to change because you're fine just the way you are."

Three days ago, I finally told my first friend about my decision, and it was like having a major weight lifted off my chest! I made a video about it at well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIHgcJA3tEs. One down...a dozen more to go and I'm as nervous as can be!!!

Have you shared your secret with a loved one? Have you told your friends that you've decided to take control of your obesity once and for all. Did they offer you encouragement and support, or did they try to talk you out of your decision and act jealous? I'm hoping to gain courage from some of your stories! Please share your experience about telling others about your WLS decision so that we can help inspire and support one another.

[takingaleap 71]

Watched your video! Loved it! I cried, and I laughed! I say I'm looking forward to more videos!!!!!!! Have fun!

[Wallflower7522 328]

This has been the absolute hardest part of my journey so far. My surgery is next Tuesday and I've only told some of my friends and family in the last few weeks. It's been almost a year since I started this, and i really didn't want to talk about it constantly for the whole time. I've really only told people on a need to know basis. My aunt works in the same building as me, so she would notice I was gone for a month, and the same with most of my friends who are also coworkers.

For a while no one but my husband and two friends that had the surgery knew. Then I told two other friends but that was it from early summer when I started until about a month ago when I went to my final appointment.

So far I've been pleasantly surprised with people's reactions. I have two friends who have struggled with their weight who I was worried about but they've been very supportive. One of them even traded me a bunch of clothes which was great.

My biggest concern was my dad. He really hasn't been in my life much until the last year and he's been a bit over bearing since then. Trying to make up for lost time I suppose. But I had minor surgery a few months ago and he drove me crazy. He's also one of the reasons I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I remember him making me eat until I literally threw up once when I was about 5 and even now he constantly tried to make me eat more, makes comments about how I "eat like a bird" ect...(I really don't). He also constantly questions my decision not to have kids. Anyway this weekend I finally just told him. My best friend had the surgery last year and he's seen her progress so he was excited for me. I explained to him that I don't want visitors in the hospital or while I'm recovering at home and he was ok with that. Honestly it's been a huge relief getting that over with. I feel so much more ready for it now that I'm not trying to hid it from anyone.

I still haven't told my mom. I don't see her much, our relationship is also very complicated but I can easily get through the entire thing without seeing her. She is a nurse so that would be super helpful but she is into a lot of "alternative medicine" and takes it very personal if you're not into it to.

There is a "secret surgery" thread on here somewhere dealing with similar issues. I posted there a while back, and I'm relieved at the progress I've made since I've posted that.

Good luck with telling people, I've been very lucky so far and I hope you are too. Don't let them make you question your choices. As you said in your post, it is a weight lifted when you finally come clean. I've watched a couple of your videos, and plan on watching some more while I'm down. You're going to do awesome.

[SugarFreeMe 293]

I've not told many, just the people I'm closest too. I've started the conversations like this: "I've been doing a lot of research, talked with my PCP and put a lot of thought into something and I've come to a decision about my health." I then tell them about the procedure, what my hoped for outcome is (no meds) and tell them that their support is what I'm looking for because it would make it so much easier. So far everyone I've told has been great. There have been some who have hesitated with their response and those are the ones I assume aren't comfortable with my decision, but with my preamble I think I was able to stop any negative replies. Best of luck and know that this is about you, not anyone else. If your good with it that's ultimately all that matters.

[jodie1961 77]

I have not told all yet. Of course my husband and grown children know. They all are supportive. I have 1 friend and one co-worker/friend that I nearly had to tell, as she is who I report to for time off, and the many doctor appts I have been to. My hesitation is that I had the lap band several years ago (which I will have taken out, then revision to RNY) and it didn't work. Even had a revision surgery on it. After the first surgery, I did tell all, and nearly all were supportive. But, now I am afraid some will judge me because it did not work, and this is even more intrusive surgery (and the easy way out as I have heard some of them say about others). So, I haven't even told my mother this time. I guess they will find out at some time, but would like to learn my new way of eating and dealing with food/emotions/situations without the eyes of the world on me.

[Mellie May 23]

Takingaleap - thank you for the great feedback and support on my video. I appreciate it!

Wallflower7522 and Sugarfreeme - what great advice! Thanks for sharing your stories.

Jodie1961 - I think it's fantastic that you've decided to have the revision. Shame on anyone that would judge your for wanting to better your health. When you do decide to start telling people, I wish you the best and hope you receive the support that you deserve!

So, I haven't even told my mother this time. I guess they will find out at some time, but would like to learn my new way of eating and dealing with food/emotions/situations without the eyes of the world on me.

[pupichupi 124]

Hi Mellie May, I haven't told anyone but My Boyfriend and our best friend. I am not telling anyone till I feel ready. It won't be till after I have my surgery I know that, but I just want to show people that I can do that, and if they judge me that's their issue, I don't care what everyone else things as I am not doing this for everyone else, I am doing this for me, and my kids. I want to be around for my kids for a long time and at the rate I am going I won't be, so I need to do something now so I can be here. I love that I can just tell my story and show myself here because there are people here that know what I am going through, and there is support here, so I am telling everyone on here. I wish you good luck in your journey, and I support you!!!!

[Mellie May 23]

Tina I agree with you 100%! This is such a unique environment, and the WLS community is amazing at providing positive support for one another. It's great that while you and I may have a small support network at home, we have the ability to build a large support network online to help us with every step of our journey. When is your surgery scheduled? Please keep me posted on your progress!

I love that I can just tell my story and show myself here because there are people here that know what I am going through, and there is support here, so I am telling everyone on here. I wish you good luck in your journey, and I support you!!!!

[pupichupi 124]

Mellie May, my surgery is March 19th, I start my pre-op diet next week on the 5th, I am really excited. This is my second surgery, as I had the lapband done and it didn't work for me, I had many problems with it, and had to have it removed. I am now going for the Bypass, I am skipping right over the sleeve and going to the final surgery. I really am excited to get this journey started and get my weight under control. I have been a heavy all my life, and I am finally ready to get to a healthy weight. I have many medical issues that prevent me from loosing weight and exercising with all this weight so i feel that this is it for me. I am putting all myself into this!!! I am very happy I have a place like this to go to when I have questions and or need just a little push of support from people who have gone through it all. Thanks and I will keep you posted.

Hi Mellie May, I haven't told anyone but My Boyfriend and our best friend. I am not telling anyone till I feel ready. It won't be till after I have my surgery I know that, but I just want to show people that I can do that, and if they judge me that's their issue, I don't care what everyone else things as I am not doing this for everyone else, I am doing this for me, and my kids. I want to be around for my kids for a long time and at the rate I am going I won't be, so I need to do something now so I can be here. I love that I can just tell my story and show myself here because there are people here that know what I am going through, and there is support here, so I am telling everyone on here. I wish you good luck in your journey, and I support you!!!!

[jodie1961 77]

Thank you for your encouragement. Keep us all posted.

[greatwhite067 3]

I am currently in the same situation. My best friend and co-worker had the surgery several weeks ago and is doing great. She was heavier than me but she has had no complications thus far. I did some research first for about a week before i decided to tell my domestic parter about it. She too had the surgery many years ago so i figured she would be a great supporter. Boy was i wrong. She has some insurcurities about me losing the weight. Thinks i will leave her once i lose the weight because that's what she did when she lost her weight. She started cheating on her partner because she had all these other opportunities that she did not have when she was overweight. So, needless to say it's a sore conversation between us. I told my folks last week about it. My dad is not too keen on the idea and want even discuss it. My mom is on the fence about it. She wants me to lose the weight and get healthier. But she is also afraid of the risks and complications that I might have after the surgery. I told my aunt today who is a retired nurse of 40 years. She gave me some great advice. She said u do what u think is right for u and no one else. She said this is your decision and your body, and I support u. It was great hearing this. She wants to go with me to my first surgeons appointment which is next Monday and she lives three hours away! She and my best friend seem like my only two supporters right now. I hope this changes soon for my partner. I also told three of my close friends the other day as well. Two are not supportive, the other one is somewhat. I have a long way to go before my surgery thanks to my insurance. I do not see me having my surgery till the middle of September. I am anxious already but I am glad I have this time to continue my research on the procedure and hopefully continue building my support group. I am thankful to be a part of this wonderful site of supporters who listen and share their knowledge and stories with us newbies. I am a supporter of u all. Good luck with everyone's upcoming surgeries and I can't wait to hear all about the success stories!

[pupichupi 124]

I am currently in the same situation. My best friend and co-worker had the surgery several weeks ago and is doing great. She was heavier than me but she has had no complications thus far. I did some research first for about a week before i decided to tell my domestic parter about it. She too had the surgery many years ago so i figured she would be a great supporter. Boy was i wrong. She has some insurcurities about me losing the weight. Thinks i will leave her once i lose the weight because that's what she did when she lost her weight. She started cheating on her partner because she had all these other opportunities that she did not have when she was overweight. So, needless to say it's a sore conversation between us. I told my folks last week about it. My dad is not too keen on the idea and want even discuss it. My mom is on the fence about it. She wants me to lose the weight and get healthier. But she is also afraid of the risks and complications that I might have after the surgery. I told my aunt today who is a retired nurse of 40 years. She gave me some great advice. She said u do what u think is right for u and no one else. She said this is your decision and your body, and I support u. It was great hearing this. She wants to go with me to my first surgeons appointment which is next Monday and she lives three hours away! She and my best friend seem like my only two supporters right now. I hope this changes soon for my partner. I also told three of my close friends the other day as well. Two are not supportive, the other one is somewhat. I have a long way to go before my surgery thanks to my insurance. I do not see me having my surgery till the middle of September. I am anxious already but I am glad I have this time to continue my research on the procedure and hopefully continue building my support group. I am thankful to be a part of this wonderful site of supporters who listen and share their knowledge and stories with us newbies. I am a supporter of u all. Good luck with everyone's upcoming surgeries and I can't wait to hear all about the success stories!

Hi greatwhite067, I have to say that is the reason I haven't told anyone really except like 3 or 4 and only those I knew would support me!!!! I for one agree with your aunt she is right you have to do what's right for you not anyone else!!! Your not doing the surgery for anyone else!!! Also about your partner and her situation, that is her own insecurities in herself and how she handled it, talk to her about how you feel and let her know hey if you can't trust me then our relationship isn't going to last anyway??? My boyfriend is my biggest supporter!!! He isn't worried about that just wants me healthy and happy!!!! Well good luck and hope everything works out for you!!!

[Tgarden 76]

Hi there! You all have such great advice and insight as to who to tell and when. I had lap band several years ago and mine did not work at all. The only people who knew were my husband, my mom, and two friends. I didn't want many people to know because I didn't want them constantly "monitoring" my weight as time went on, and didn't want their assumed judgement if I should fail. Well, I did fail with the band. Or, the band failed me, depending on what research you look at. Now that I am about a month away from my revision to bypass, I feel like I'm in the same boat. My husband and mom are supportive, and I need to tell my children next. I worry about how to present this to my 16 year old daughter, who has a precarious view of her own weight right now, even though she is very thin and healthy. I think she worries that she will turn out like me. I know what that feels like, as I have spent a lot of my life worrying that I would end up like my sweet mom. She is close to 300 pounds now, and I just don't want that for my life. I need to find a positive way to present things to my daughter and focus on the HEALTH aspect instead of the outward appearance part.

As for my other friends and family, I think I might wait until people start to notice my weight loss, then begin to tell people. I just don't think I could handle my (well meaning) friends always checking on me and wondering how much I have lost from the very beginning. I need to get a handle on it myself first.

[Nellarifixmom 5]

I'm in the early stages of obtaining all the tests and evaluations and clearances that I need in advance of the surgery. I have told only my husband, my sister, my daughter and son-in-law, some close friends, and one co-worker. I would only consider two people (son-in-law and co-worker) supportive. My husband, sister, and daughter are mostly silent, and I know they are concerned because I suffered from terrible complications during and after cancer surgery four years ago. Of my close friends, I feel like most of them are judging me. The one friend who isn't actively judging me isn't necessarily supportive, just nosey, wanting to know all the nitty gritty details.

I feel very alone.

[pupichupi 124]

I'm in the early stages of obtaining all the tests and evaluations and clearances that I need in advance of the surgery. I have told only my husband, my sister, my daughter and son-in-law, some close friends, and one co-worker. I would only consider two people (son-in-law and co-worker) supportive. My husband, sister, and daughter are mostly silent, and I know they are concerned because I suffered from terrible complications during and after cancer surgery four years ago. Of my close friends, I feel like most of them are judging me. The one friend who isn't actively judging me isn't necessarily supportive, just nosey, wanting to know all the nitty gritty details.

I feel very alone.

Nellarifixmom, you are not alone!!! You have a whole website full of people who you can talk to and depend on!!! Most everyone here will help you! Just make sure you tell your doctor everything about what happen during past surgery! Maybe ask your husband if he can go to an appointment with you to meet your surgeon so he can ask questions and you can find out more of his concerns. Having your husbands support is big for your success!!! Good luck!!!