10ways I knew obesity's ruined my life...

[Band2Sleever 78]

I knew obesity has ruined my life when...

1. I realised that I had spent more years of my life on a diet, than not on one. Through my teens, mostly winning, up a bit, back down and maintain for a bit. In my twenties, up a bit, down a bit, then up a bit but always with extra pounds and up and up up to obesity. Then banded and 10 years of divine control.

2. When I realised that I'd never had the feeling you're supposed to get when you're older. You know, the one promised to you when you're an insecure body-conscious teenager, they said "don't worry, you'll feel comfortable and confident with your body as you get older". Nope! Felt worse

3. The constant feeling of "abnormalness" running in the background of my mind, like a particularly bad soundtrack to my everyday life. The the sense of abnormalness coming from not being able to maintain a normal weight (when most of my family and friends can).

4. The yo-yoing (or more like yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yoing) of my weight and the sheer embarrassment of dealing with people's comments again and again and again, depending on how often they've seen me and what state I was in previously. Comments like "Oh you look well" (also know as "you've lost weight"). Or "Your hair looks lovely" (whilst staring transfixed at my expanding bum and thighs, so clearly thinking something else). Or, the direct approach "You've lost weight. Are you on a fitness kick at the moment?" (arrrrghh, it's not intended to be a transient health kick, I'm trying to keep my weight under control for my whole life so that I can see my children when they're grow up). All the usual ones about food "No cake for Betty. She's on a diet" , and "have some more, don't you like it?" (When I've said no thanks and it's nothing to do with their cooking. Only the family-feeders do thus!). Or, worse, just not saying anything at all, but looking you up and down in that very subtle but noticeable way.

5. Avoiding major family events because I was ashamed of what I looked like.

6. Avoiding photos. Full-length. Half-length. Face-only. Any and all photos. I developed an "avoid or destroy" strategy. Either make sure I'm not in the photo, or if someone's got photos thee check them all and ruthlessly throw away the fat ones (so that would be must of them on my teens and twenties then 100% in my thirties), and in the past even go through the negatives and destroy those as well. Clearly this is impossible to do now we're in the land of the digital camera. Bad photos are forever!

7. Avoiding going swimming with friends and then later my children. I feel deeply ashamed about choosing not to do things my children would have enjoyed.

8. Being grumpy everyday with my family and friends because I am obese, but never being able to confide in them the reason I feel so bad. That deep sense of shame that comes from knowing the reason that I am obese is quite simply that I eat too much. Too much Breakfast, too much lunch, too much dinner, too many Snacks. Too many pieces of cake, too many chips. The visible embodiment of having no self control (although, once I had a band I discovered this was not in fact correct, and I had great self control, monitoring everything I ate and reaching and MAINTAINING a normal BMI).

9. Not carrying on with sports that I loved as a teenager because I felt too fat to join in when older. Not running (most of the time) because my thighs shake and shudder . I did run periodically on my "losing weight" phases, but always felt as if people were staring (they were, as I thundered my way past) and in sure sometimes commenting. Telling myself to just keep going and ignore them, but inside silently crying at the woeful results from my latest diet and fitness regime.

10. Feeling totally mentally exhausted from thinking about food ALL the time (and this being much worse whilst on a diet, which was 90% of the time). Waking up worrying about weighing myself and what I can eat today. Going to bed worrying about what I weigh and what I've eaten, and it's too much, and it will never go away, and I have no self control, and the endless cycle of yo-yoing. And , that horrible sense of futility that creeps in when you've lost some weight, and mentally decide that "THIS time it's going to be different. I'm going to keep up the healthy eating and keep this weight off once and for all", but the the creeping realisation of failure once again as the weight creeps back up.

10. The small things ... chafing (chafing thighs in bare legs, chafing in jeans, chafing thighs in stockings, chafing thighs in summer, chafing thighs in bed), crying about wearing a swimming costume in public, never wearing a bikini, never wearing sexy underwear (choosing to camouflage and disappear things instead)m

This is not intended to be a pity party. I just wanted to vent on my journey through obesity, and out the other side (with the band), and back into obesity again whist I wait for a SARS for my sleeve.

Roll on the sleeve. Roll on the better half of my life.

Good luck to everyone on here who is making the journey,

[TooFluffy 32]

Just about every one of those topics apply to me, too. My list would be longer, because I am older. I've missed out on things with my grandchildren, too. But for me, the day I had my surgery, began a new life! I am happier, more healthy, and have such a better attitude in general.

Although I am far from goal, obesity is no longer running my life, I am! It's good to see that you are now concentrating on the better, healthier half of your life. I'm wishing the very best for you on your journey!

[elfnow 277]

#7 is a big one for me, or rather, avoiding #7. My daughter is 16 months old and I want to have fun with her!! Go do things and have her not be embarrassed that she has the "fat mommy".

Aside from the "I am doing this for ME and MY health..." There is another big thing that hit me re:my daughter... As she grows up she's going to be subjected to ALL THE SHIT that little girls get tortured with ... Airbrushed models, teen magazines with weight loss tips, anorexic friends, constant judgment from other girls, watching other kids get picked on for their weight, teasing from boys, all that crap we wish we could save our babies from. And during that time, I want to be able to sit down with her and both of us have "just right" size portions... So I can at least give her a view of what "just right" is. I am so afraid of modeling the wrong behavior, ESPECIALLY with food .... My sleeve is forcing me to model the right portions and nutritional content!! I feel like maybe that will help her not have trouble later on.