Hurtful family member (off topic)

[Ree 215]

To start with, I wish there was an off topic forum section on here because maybe this post would be more suitable there.

Have you ever had a family member spiral out of control and just go around hurting loved ones? I'm talking about someone who carries around a lot of anger in their heart over things that have happened a long time ago, that is out of their control and , that they refuse to talk to a professional about it. I have someone in my life that If I say or do the wrong thing that they just decide they are disowning me and never speaking to me again. It's hurtful and If I didn't love this person it wouldn't hurt so much. This same person also decided they would disown their own mother because she felt hurt over something this person had said to her. She tried to express that what she said was hurtful and instead of trying to understand or apologizing, this person decided they would just disown her mom (her words, not mine). She also decided that she would disown her 84 year old grandmother as well because she didn't let her boyfriend sleep at her (grandmother's) house, but to the grandmothers defense, she did not know this boyfriend of her granddaughters. This grandmother is hurting so much right now, she just lost her daughter a little over a year ago and now she has her granddaughter doing this to her. It's such a horrible situation that this one person can do this much damage to her family. Maybe if none of us loved her so much it wouldn't hurt so much.

I'm sick over this and under a lot of stress. When I feel stressed out I don't turn to food but I tend not to eat. In the last 24 hours all I have been able to get down is one Protein Shake and 1/4 of a 6" homemade chicken quesadilla. I wish this family member wouldn't be like this.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

She is who she is. this is not off topic because it is affecting you and your progress. While we love those in our lives we reach a point that we are no longer going to take this kind of abuse anymore. This girl needs help not you. Somewhere a long the lines she has felt that she comes first in all things.

You really need to not give her that power anymore and ride it out. Everyone has that kind of person somewhere in their lives...My mother a few weeks ago decided that it was no longer a good idea for me to ever call her again. she did this because of a minor choice I made and she took it as personal...Fine...I am done. I have reached my limit of abuse. I know that she is incapable of love and so there fore I expect nothing from her..

You will have to come to grips with the same conclusion. And realize that love has nothing to do with this. It is not you or her grandmother this is her. She must change and you must keep going...

Your weight loss will stall if you don't eat...please look after yourself no matter how painful this is....The grandmother needs your love...Since you have some time to spare now...Give her the extra time and attention and work to figure out how to deal with this....Don't expect her to see it your way.....You have to live around it or plow right through it......

[hopeful2 be slim 121]

my sister's husband was the same..always shouting and throwing tantrums if he didnt get what he wanted.or when ever he made a mistake.

But one day she got the courage to shout back and now she does not give him a chance to shout...

he does not have many qualities,has had numerous affairs,has wasted a lot of money and so on.

[rbtnln 81]

Ree, I'm with you. My sister is the exact same way. In fact, we had over 15 years where we didn't talk because she got bent out of shape about something stupid. She didn't talk with my mom and never reconciled with her before my mom passed away.

The fact is, family triggers our stress. As food addicts, we turn to food when we're stressed out. And, we allow these folks to sabotage our success. What gives them the right to have that much power over us??? If you continue to give her power, she will continue to take it and you will continue to be miserable. You can detach with LOVE and just set some very strict boundaries. Just because she says or does something "out there" doesn't mean you have to accept it. You don't. Let go of her crap and take care of yourself. Don't give her that power.

I think you'll find once you take that power back you'll feel so much better and realize that she wasn't "all that" like she thought she was.

I hope that helps you. Hang in there!

[elfnow 277]

In other countries (particularly Scandinavian countries) treatment for depression/bipolar/schizophrenia includes the WHOLE family... And often the doctors will prescribe medicine to OTHER family members as well as the patient.

My ex-h used to be very bent-out-of-shape about small things and when he was stressed he'd make these ridiculous RULES about the world (which would be immediately broken since the rest of the world didn't get his memo promptly)... At one point He and I both had prescriptions for Buspar ... And he cautioned me to not "swipe any" of HIS. I was like dude, if YOU take your meds then *I* won't have to!!

My mother used to be awful about my weight, through college she would berate me for being pregnant and not telling her (HUH??) and as an adult now, 20 years later, I realize she was screaming about her own past, and it had NOTHING to do with ME!! At one point when I was planning my wedding she got SO awful about my weight that I "broke up" with her. I didn't speak to her for about 6 months. It saddened me because I really wanted that mother-daughter bonding over weddings like you see on TV but it was also a really low-stress period! I didn't have to worry about what mood she'd be in when she called, etc. She shaped up (no pun intended) and got nicer and wrote me a letter apologizing and saying she missed me, and that was a big step for her.

I maintain that a person can choose their family, and that "blood" means very little. It's hard with a person you really want to care for who just sends hate back your way... But it's as poisonous a relationship as a bad boyfriend/lover/spouse!! Make a pledge to give that person some space, walk away for a while, and enjoy a few stress-free days without hearing their venom.... There are so many much nicer people in the world!!!

[Ree 215]

Thank you for the support. Its very hard to walk away from someone you care so much about. I know this is all about her and her issues and really has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. It just seems like she sits back and waits for someone just screw up with her somehow, by saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. You really need to walk on egg shells around her otherwise she goes off the deep end. It's very hard to live that way.

This person is my sister and I practically raised her being the oldest, while my single mom went to work full time to raise her 3 girls all on her own. This is also why it's hard to just walk away from her, because I feel some responsibility to her, like I did when she was a child. She is basically angry because a few years ago (when she turned 18) she found out the dad she thought was her dad wasn't her biological dad. Her mom decided to wait till she was an adult before telling her the truth about her father, and she had her reasons for doing that. But now my sister is angry and takes that anger out on the rest of us over stuff that is completely irrelevant.

If she wants to be mad at me over stupid crap then fine but to say you want to disown someone takes it to a whole new level. By her saying she wants nothing to do with me is also saying she doesn't want anything to do with her niece who is only 3. Then to do that to our grandma? I can't even wrap my head around that. My grandma is the most sweetest understanding caring person I have ever known in my life. I cant understand why anyone would want to hurt her. I just feel so broken inside, mainly for my grandma.

[elfnow 277]

Ree, I know your grandma may feel hurt - but she might also be a little relieved to not have the stress of your sister's troubles. And that's OK!

It also sounds like your sister is still quite young (20?) and believe it or not, her brain is still growing! She's flinging herself into theatrical dramatics and that's just her thing .... You can choose to not buy a ticket to the show!

She will learn ... Or she won't... But definitely don't take on your grandma's emotions too! Your grandma is a grown-up girl and can handle her own emotions. Plus she's been around long enough maybe she saw a few other family members go through phases like this.

Enjoy your life in her absence, welcome her back when she comes back, enjoy your life in her presence.... Teach your daughter that sometimes it's better to love someone from a distance.

*hugs* sooner or later, people will stop begging her to be in their lives, and she'll have to face the fact that it's her, not them.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

because I feel some responsibility to her, like I did when she was a child.

You know what Ree. it is sad when a person does not grow up. You did the best for her to help your mom. she wants a pity party for herself and hand outs....Too bad! She needs to get it together. who knows when that will be. But you are wasting valuable energy worrying about this...If it is like egg shells then don't waste your time walking on them...might as well say what you think!

A friend of mine always says " might as well be hung as a sheep then a lamb." Really no difference if the outcome is the same.....

Time she got a wake up call from her big sister!!!!!!!!!

[hopeful2 be slim 121]

Honestly its time to make her realise that she is hurting every one...be strict with her. and dont loose your peace of mind...I know its easier said than done... but you must be strict with her.