What About Your Friends?

[Shear Diva 19]

Help!! My best friend of 25+ years has basically turned her back on me! I am so confused... My family keeps telling me it's jealously, but I just can't wrap my head around it. First off let me start by saying I didn't tell my BFF I was having gastric until after I had the surgery and was settled in my room. But hold on, I didn't tell anyone but my immediate family. Now my mom knew I was having surgery but was under the impression I was having lapband until 3 weeks before the surgery.... Sounds crazy, but I didn't tell my mom which surgery because she is a worry worm and has always been scared of gastric, I didn't tell my BFF because she always downs and talks very negative about any and everyone she knows that has had the surgery. (Even though she wanted the surgery but couldn't get it because her insurance didn't cover it) My doctor told me to make sure I had people that would support my decision to have surgery and not talk me out of it or talk negative about it. Fast forward 7 months.... All seemed to be ok for a while after she told me she was hurt because I didn't tell her and I apologized... A week or so after I had my surgery she went on a diet and joined the gym. I praised her told her that was great and that even though I had the surgery we could lose weight together! She said ok and seemed to be excited about it, but stopped calling & texting me. So again I initiated a gym schedule so that we could work out together and she agreed. So the 1st thing I noticed when we would go to the gym & do our cardio is her staring at me when I would enter my weight on the treadmill. So, I was thinking ok not really sure what's that's about but what ever. So some weeks go by and I'm noticing when I attempt to share with her anything about guys that are taking interest or how good I feel she cuts me off or jumps the subject... So, I make a note to self not to discuss personal things even though we've shared our personal life with one another for years & years... Next thing you know she's telling me how guys are taking interest in her and that her husband better get it together. So I listened and laughed and made sure not to talk about myself. So I was thinking ok this will work I can be a good listener.. Lol... Then she starts texting but only to report how much she has lost & to ask how much I have lost. (Well she started doing this early on & that would be the only reason she would text). So a few weeks ago she started skipping our gym dates.... A mutual friend told me she made a post on Facebook that she was at the gym. Needless to say it wasn't on our workout day. So the next day I went to the gym (on our regular day) thinking she would be there, but she never showed. So the next day comes and she was still a no show. . Now it's almost a month and she never comes on our 3 scheduled days during the week. No I didn't call or text to see why not because it is clear to me that she's really not my friend!!! ???? So now I get it, but I'm so sad!!!! I'm still ME I'm still the same person! Why is she making this a competition? Why would she ditch me? Ughhh. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Please share your story with me. I need to make sure I'm not the crazy one!

[m&m4ever 109]

You are NOT crazy! I haven't had this experience, but at our support group I've heard many, many people say that their relationships with their best friends, family members, co-workers went south. You have to realize that it's not about you. Maybe they're jealous, insecure about themselves or maybe they think we took the easy way out (easy way my a$$)!! The only thing you can do is talk to her and try to work it out if the relationship is important to you. At least then you'll know you did all you could to save the friendship. Good luck to you. Keep us posted. Be proud of yourself for making this change to better your life and health!

[Meintraining 104]

I say part of losing weight brings with it all the changes and yes even social changes. It's a shame our society is so shallow but it is. Some will have friends who they feel are below them to make themselves feel superior. Others surround themselves with the opposite to try and bring themselves up. Your friend has some insecurity issues that has more to do with her. Focus on creating new friendships that are healthy. Although I haven't lost weight with the RNY over the years as I have evolved and changed to respect myself more I'm realizing some of my friends that I grew up with are really selfish people. I can hardly believe I didn't realize it more back then. It still hurts to grow away from old friends. I'll be interested to hear some of the feedback from other experiences as well. By the way you sound like a great friend anyone would be lucky to have.

[doreens 6]

So sad this happens. If people would do a little research to back up their negative comments on WLS, maybe they could understand better, why we had to make this our last resort. I'am sure many of us on here, are not proud to have had or having this surgery. But, when all other weight-loss options fail, what else are we suppose to do??? Die, at a younger age, than need be? I will be having the Sleeve done on March 6th. 2014. I'am very scared with all sorts of emotions. Easy way out? I don't think so. I want to live a Healthy Life. This is all about me....not what people are going to think.

[Shear Diva 19]

You are NOT crazy! I haven't had this experience, but at our support group I've heard many, many people say that their relationships with their best friends, family members, co-workers went south. You have to realize that it's not about you. Maybe they're jealous, insecure about themselves or maybe they think we took the easy way out (easy way my a$$)!! The only thing you can do is talk to her and try to work it out if the relationship is important to you. At least then you'll know you did all you could to save the friendship. Good luck to you. Keep us posted. Be proud of yourself for making this change to better your life and health!

Thank you soo much!!! And you're right there is nothing easy about WLS!!! Maybe I need to find a support group. As a matter of fact that is exactly what I'm going to do, I need it! I do want to reach out to her but I think I'm afraid of the outcome. Thank you for your encouragement!

[Shear Diva 19]

I say part of losing weight brings with it all the changes and yes even social changes. It's a shame our society is so shallow but it is. Some will have friends who they feel are below them to make themselves feel superior. Others surround themselves with the opposite to try and bring themselves up. Your friend has some insecurity issues that has more to do with her. Focus on creating new friendships that are healthy. Although I haven't lost weight with the RNY over the years as I have evolved and changed to respect myself more I'm realizing some of my friends that I grew up with are really selfish people. I can hardly believe I didn't realize it more back then. It still hurts to grow away from old friends. I'll be interested to hear some of the feedback from other experiences as well. By the way you sound like a great friend anyone would be lucky to have.

This is all so true!! I'm going to start looking for support groups around my area. Hopefully, I'll meet some great! Thank you for your support, and kind words I needed that! I'm actually smiling now and now crying. It feels good to be understood!

[gowalking 10,790]

It's very painful to lose those we think of as good friends but it happens all the time..and not just because of this weight loss issue that she has...not you mind you. I've had similar situations with people leaving my life who I thought were there for the long haul. It is what it is unfortunately. People will come into your life and people will leave it as well.

I learned that the hard way....tried to keep some friendships going long after the expiration date. But I also made new friends along the way and that helps an awful lot.

Good luck to you...and not to worry...you will get past this and do great.

[HotButterFly 981]

That sucks!

Because we've had such a disgusting winter, I haven't seen most of my friends since losing a considerable amount of weight. After reading your story (and other's) I'm kinda prepared mentally for some friends to act up... Or at least that's what I tell myself.

[HealthyNewMe 1,935]

I feel sad for you losing your lifelong friend. I have been on both sides of this coin. I have one friend who lost 200+ pounds, by cutting out all carbs. Every single time we ran in to people we knew, she had to go through the story of the weight loss transformation..... All the while my 327 pound self stood there to hear it yet again. I WAS JEALOUS..... Didn't want to be, but I was. But, nonetheless, I was supportive and encouraged her all the way. I mean, she is my friend. That's what friends do....... Now, I've lost a little over 100 pounds and I was worried about my relationship with my two BEST friends who are overweight. One of them has joined the gym with me and has been by my side on a daily basis. She is doing fabulous as well bc of all the exercise. The other friend stated out loud that she is jealous, but she can handle it too. So, I am lucky. The three of us have been like sisters since elementary school ( and we are 53)..... So a very long time. We have supported each other when one of us is down and we gave been the rock for each other when there have been deaths in the families, and we are true friends..... No weight gain or weight loss could break that friendship. It just makes me think that your friend is perhaps weak. She doesn't know how to be supportive and happy for you. She doesn't know how to work through the jealousy. Sorry for your loss of your friend.

[HotButterFly 981]

I agree with JealthyNewMe... Jealousy doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can propel us to try and do better.... It's when ppl don't know how to act that they run into problems. Hopefully your friend can come around.

[Ballermom 803]

Good thread. I had an experience too. I talked to one of my BFF right before surgery. And the very next time I saw or heard from them was 9 months later at a party I had. Lol
Why do I laugh because 12 months into this game/WLS it's just small stuff.
Because when I saw her we had a surprisingly great time. No love lost for real none. What happened is that I got Skinny!
2nd yes our relationship did changed for the better. Well I no longer had to lean to hard on her when I had strength within.

So cheer up, and be encouraged! Relationship May changed because we are changing for the better. You already are successful and have strength from within. I was angry and hurt. But I will never trade that one day where she and I had so much fun for bitterness. I mean it's not your problem be happy, she is struggling.
Congratulations on your surgery, this too shall pass. Focus on you.

Edited February 21, 2014 by Ballermom

[Shear Diva 19]

I feel sad for you losing your lifelong friend. I have been on both sides of this coin. I have one friend who lost 200+ pounds, by cutting out all carbs. Every single time we ran in to people we knew, she had to go through the story of the weight loss transformation..... All the while my 327 pound self stood there to hear it yet again. I WAS JEALOUS..... Didn't want to be, but I was. But, nonetheless, I was supportive and encouraged her all the way. I mean, she is my friend. That's what friends do....... Now, I've lost a little over 100 pounds and I was worried about my relationship with my two BEST friends who are overweight. One of them has joined the gym with me and has been by my side on a daily basis. She is doing fabulous as well bc of all the exercise. The other friend stated out loud that she is jealous, but she can handle it too. So, I am lucky. The three of us have been like sisters since elementary school ( and we are 53)..... So a very long time. We have supported each other when one of us is down and we gave been the rock for each other when there have been deaths in the families, and we are true friends..... No weight gain or weight loss could break that friendship. It just makes me think that your friend is perhaps weak. She doesn't know how to be supportive and happy for you. She doesn't know how to work through the jealousy. Sorry for your loss of your friend.

Wow! Now you all are REAL friends that is awesome! You are so lucky! It takes a real woman to admit when she is jealous. I always say that's a healthy jealous! I'm that type of friend and wish that my friend could be the same type of friend to me. I'm 39 and I never thought I would be looking for real friends this late in life... I'm so happy I poured my heart out on here, I am starting to feel much better! Thank you!

[Shear Diva 19]

Good thread. I had an experience too. I talked to one of my BFF right before surgery. And the very next time I saw or heard dorm them was 9 months later at a party I had. Lol Why do I laugh because 12 months into this game/WLS it's just small stuff. Because when I saw her we had a surprisingly great time. No love lost for real none. What happened is that I got Skinny! 2nd yes our relationship did changed for the better. Well I no longer had to lean to hard on her when I had strength within. So cheer up, and be encouraged! Relationship May changed because we are changing for the better. You already are successful and have strength from within. I was angry and hurt. But I will never trade that one day where she and I had so much fun for bitterness. I mean it's not your problem be happy, she is struggling. Congratulations on your surgery, this too shall pass. Focus on you.

Oooh I love this post!!! Thank you for sharing that with me! This morning I couldn't stop crying now I can't stop smiling!!! I love it here!!! Why can't the world be like everyone on Bariatric Pal? Lol. ????

[Kiap82 239]

I have one friend who is constantly on a diet. She is about 40 pounds overweight and very self conscious about it. She was very supportive of my decision to have surgery and even started her own diet at the same time. What I have started to notice though is that she gets really irritated when I talk about how many pounds I've lost. She's on MFP so she can see it there but the other day she snapped at me. I mentioned that I thought it was weird that all of my pant were getting longer. And she just said that not everyone knows what that's like because not everyone loses 5 pounds a week. First of all I just had SURGERY and second of all I had 170 pounds to lose, not 40. So there are some pretty big differences in our journeys. I decided that I just couldn't talk about it or be happy about it any more while around her. It makes me sad. But I'm moving out of state in a couple weeks and back to a place where I have more friends, who couldn't be happier for me. Maybe at a distance she will be less jealous.

[Fit4Me 83]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this from you BFF. It was the exact oppposite for me. My BFF has always been skinny and I was always fat. She never looked at me different and always supported me losing weight. When I decided to have surgery, she was and still is my biggest supporter. She supports my weight loss journey, we work out together, and she even supports my Health & Wellness new business.

If you two have been friends for over 25 years, I think you should talk to her. If she is jealous, its ok; let her speak her mind and give her a chance to explain how she feels. It doesnt really look like you two have had a conversation about it. Now that you are on this weight loss journey, and were able to get the insurance paid through insurance, support her weight loss journey too. This is the time you BOTH have to be supportive of each other. Its a hard road and its so much more fun with a partner.