I thought this was a good thing

[totaloser 75]

In the 4 months since my surgery I have lost about 66 pounds. I am feeling great. I went from size 18 jeans to a size 8. I have energy to exercise, I can cross my legs, I am called thin! It's all amazing and surreal. The problem? Dealing with other people and particularly my family. I want them to be supportive but they're not. My husband almost seems angry about my surgery and the fact that I am shrinking. I used to excitedly announce everytime I went into a new pants size and I can see now that it bothers him. He is not happy for me. He admits he is jealous and he says I took the easy way out. I tried to have a conversation with him last night and it turned into a fight. I don't want my marriage to fail over this but I don't know how to deal with what is happening. My kids don't want to hear about it. My daughters roll their eyes and share the attitude of their father. Some of my friends act like I have the plague. None of them understand. The emotional aspect of wls is much tougher to deal with than I ever imagined. I am happy for me. I have a new self confidence but I feel like when others see it they would rather me be the old fat depressed person.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

[Southjerzjoy 40]

First of all Good for you girl! Your doing great. I'm a new loser but fear I will soon be dealing with some of the same issues you are having. I was thinking of looking into therapy for myself. I believe in outside opinions. Maybe support groups. These boards are great for helping us feal understood and not alone. I wish u the best and I am so proud of how brave you are to make this change. In no way is this "the easy way out".

[KeeWee 470]

In the 4 months since my surgery I have lost about 66 pounds. I am feeling great. I went from size 18 jeans to a size 8. I have energy to exercise, I can cross my legs, I am called thin! It's all amazing and surreal. The problem? Dealing with other people and particularly my family. I want them to be supportive but they're not. My husband almost seems angry about my surgery and the fact that I am shrinking. I used to excitedly announce everytime I went into a new pants size and I can see now that it bothers him. He is not happy for me. He admits he is jealous and he says I took the easy way out. I tried to have a conversation with him last night and it turned into a fight. I don't want my marriage to fail over this but I don't know how to deal with what is happening. My kids don't want to hear about it. My daughters roll their eyes and share the attitude of their father. Some of my friends act like I have the plague. None of them understand. The emotional aspect of wls is much tougher to deal with than I ever imagined. I am happy for me. I have a new self confidence but I feel like when others see it they would rather me be the old fat depressed person.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

I hate to see this so often and I haven't even had the surgery yet but when I speak of it with a smile, I'm surprised how quickly others can wipe it right off my face!! Don't let them determine ur pride...stay happy, you've done a great thing!

[HealthyNewMe 1,935]

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I'm at a loss bc i have nothing but the opposite... Support, encouragement, and thrills. I will tell you how I celebrated my 100 pound milestone this week. I handed/mailed all four of my kids an envelope with a crisp new $100 bill.... No note, no explanation ( my kids were never used to us doling out money... We never did). So at first they were dumbfounded and completely puzzled. It didn't take long before one of them figured it out... You should have seen the text messages going off between them! Now they can't wait till I hit my next milestone! As far as the lack of support from your husband, I'm guessing you may need support from group counseling or a counselor to help you figure out how to handle this as you continue to lose. Things are changing. Some people resist change. They just can't or don't want to handle it. Best of luck as YOU continue to become healthier.

[parisshel 1,892]

Man I so understand this. No one talks to me about what I'm going through, with the exception of my BF (but he HAS to listen to me). I wish it were different, because I have a lot I'd like to share about my lapband experience.

My friends? No one says a thing. The most astounding thing to me is two of my closest friends, who practically walked beside me the day I went in for my surgery..in other words, they saw me at my highest weight...have seen me three times since my surgery and have not said ONE WORD to me. In fact, the last time they saw me, I said "don't I look like I'm losing weight?" and they are all, "Uh-huh." That's it. Not one more word of support or even a question about how I'm doing/feeling.

What's up with that? Is it that they've seen me lose weight so many times they fear supporting this iteration of my weight loss? Am I still so fat it makes no difference that I've lost 53 pounds? Or do they just think this is a private subject and don't want to mention it?

In any case, it really makes me mad, and I can understand your feelings because I share them.

[Busymomof3 181]

That's really too bad that your family can't be more supportive of you. What your going through is not only for your health and benefit but the benefit of your family so you can be there and healthy for them. I suspect your husband doesn't like change as mentioned above. He's probably very jealous and could be unhappy that changes in your lifestyle mean changes in his. You did not take the easy way out. Nothing about this surgery is easy and for me, it's still going to be a lifelong battle to make good choices. Keep your chin up and know that there are many people here who are proud of you.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

I know this is going to be tough, because you have all this excitement and new found zest for life.. But in order to minimise the reactions.. which appear to be all negative... you're going to have to limit how much you squeal and bounce around with excitement.

If you can stand in your husbands shoes: Is he overweight himself? Is he seeing these massive changes and wondering how he fits in to this any more? Is he being a bit childish and resentful, because nothing this exciting is happening to him? Is his ego taking a bit of a bashing? Is he fundamentally fearful he's going to lose you and resentful that YOU are the one who changed your family's dynamic?

Your children's shoes: Are they just bored to tears of hearing about it? Are they, too, a bit miffed that they haven't got anything this exciting going on in their lives? Are they feeding off the negativity coming from your husband because they, too, might recognise that YOU are the one who changed what they knew and upset the applecart because of the change in family dynamic?

You have every right to want to sing from the hill tops - but a little appreciation of how they are viewing things, might be useful. It might not change their opinions - but by talking to them gently, attempting to understand their position, you might be able to temper your enthusiasm for your new path (which might make them feel like you're leaving them behind) and try and find ways to integrate them and make things more inclusive.

Humans don't like change. None of us do. When we choose to make a change in the form of this surgery, we're already 3/4 of the way to embracing all the good things that happen. Rarely we look at all the potential negatives. I would hazard a guess your husband is resentful. Your kids are bored and reacting to your husbands negativity. The friends are probably a little jealous of the excitement in your life, because they don't have the same in theirs. It would be interesting to hear if your friends are there to support you in your current difficulties with your husband.... But, and before you try broaching that subject with them...

All of this boils down to people who are sitting their thinking 'what about me?'. I know this is crapadoodle, because everyone feels they have the right to be happy and the right to be supported and damnit, the right to be excited! Sadly, most people are a little bit selfish and whilst they're seeing you happier by the day, they're not feeling so happy. They probably feel that they need more of your attentions and sympathies for their circumstances..

Try talking to all of them. Don't mention your surgery at all. Ask them how THEY are doing. If they become animated and engaged, you know that was the problem. If they don't, then you might be looking for something else. With the husband? You might want to tread carefully with that one and not mention the surgery for a while... As awful as it sounds, do a bit of ego soothing for him and see if this garners a positive reaction. If it does.. Then you know what it was.

Sad as it is, you might have to keep your excited Carlton Banks dancing in your smaller trousers in your room, just to yourself and for a little while. Just until the waters are calmed and their reserves of emotional generosity are topped up enough to give you what you are after and what you fundamentally deserve.

[HealthyNewMe 1,935]

Wow, Madam Reverie.... You gave a ton of good advice!

[B-52 7,113]

Envy, spite, pride, envy....people do not like to see others succeed at something, or have something they do not....

Even happens hire on this forum, unfortunately....inherent deadly sins...

[Dee_1111 317]

It just makes me so unbelievably angry and sad..years and years we all sit around with our friends & families, and talk about how fat & unhealthy we are, how we all need to lose weight, how we need to get to the gym or just start exercising...and when ONE of us seriously decides to do something about it..and ARE doing something about IT..the "Seven Deadly Sins" take over our friends & families? , and the "Ten commandments" go straight out the window..Funny, we humans, quite contradictory we are, and much hypocritical . I just want to cry for you, I really do!

[Mama Spike 144]

It just makes me so unbelievably angry and sad..years and years we all sit around with our friends & families, and talk about how fat & unhealthy we are, how we all need to lose weight, how we need to get to the gym or just start exercising...and when ONE of us seriously decides to do something about it..and ARE doing something about IT..the "Seven Deadly Sins" take over our friends & families? , and the "Ten commandments" go straight out the window..Funny, we humans, quite contradictory we are, and much hypocritical . I just want to cry for you, I really do!

My husband is the only one who knows about my surgery. I had dinner with some of my friends last night. They were discussing how they need to lose weight (I was unusually quiet). My one friend said well I am just going to have gastric surgery and take the easy way out and the other said yes!

And that is why only my husband knows.

[JeanaLuvsKisses 110]

My husband is the only one who knows about my surgery. I had dinner with some of my friends last night. They were discussing how they need to lose weight (I was unusually quiet). My one friend said well I am just going to have gastric surgery and take the easy way out and the other said yes! And that is why only my husband knows.

There is nothing "easy" about wls. They will realize that when they have wls and will have to "eat their words" on the days they cannot tolerate food.

[greensleeve 457]

Is your husband overweight?

[totaloser 75]

Wow. Thank you all for your advice and support. I needed the perspective of people who understand and have experience with this. I have to say this journey is more interesting than I ever could have imagined.

My husband is overweight. I understand that he is envious and having a hard time with this. I would probably be the same way if roles were reversed and I will have to try to be more sympathetic. It was interesting at work today. One of the janitors walked in and stopped to compliment me. I couldn't help it with as low as I was feeling after last night I burst into tears. I thanked him and told him how much his compliment meant to me. Poor guy. I think he thought I was crazy. I am going to embrace those compliments and keep my thoughts to myself at home.

Madame Reverie I really appreciate the time you took with your lengthy post. So much good advice. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[lellow 1,713]

and from a long term perspective, this is NEW. I got accused of being narcissistic, self absorbed, insensitive when I was losing because for the first time I actually gave myself permission to focus on ME in order to succeed. People don't like change at the best of times, foist it on them and they will react unhappily.

BUT give it a year, maybe two. A new normal will take over. You won't be talking about it that much, eating a certain way will become accepted as 'just the way it is' and your weight loss will not cause so much waves among the people you love.

Trust me. My adult kids and my partner don't even think about it anymore. So this is not the end of anything, it is a learning curve for all of you, and if you ride it out, I promise it won't stay like that forever.