Shaping up to be a rough year

[clk 3,519]

I haven't been posting much. I've needed a VST break and I've also just had way too much going on in my personal life to spend much time here.

I ended 2013 with a number of health concerns. I was told I had shingles but after I had a similar set of symptoms a few weeks later they sent me to a neurologist to try to figure it out. I've spent the last several weeks going to appointment after appointment and doing numerous tests. As of right now, I did get the good news a day ago that I have no lesions on my brain or spine and that there aren't any tumors or growths. But we still don't know what's causing my pain, pins and needles or numbness. I'm also having some pelvic ultrasounds done in a few weeks to pin down some other health concerns that are causing pain. It's just been a rotten six months for my health, honestly.

Then on Monday I got the call that my dad had a massive heart attack while driving. He had an accident (thankfully nobody else was hurt) and they were unable to revive him. He was only fifty three. I know that his health was pretty crummy but I was surprised and very disappointed. His health had been improving lately. Finally, after years of ignoring his problems he had shed 60 pounds and his diabetes was coming under control. He just called me last week to share the news that he'd finally hit onederland on the scale for the first time in more than fifteen years. He was so happy.

In some ways I'm thankful it was quick. Dad's health was pretty rotten so it could have easily been a long and slow decline from one of his other health problems. I've watched him spend weeks in ICU intubated. He'd been through a lot. His dad passed away at 42 and his mom at 50 so he outlived them both. But despite all of that it's still really difficult to accept that he's gone. I know that my dad had buried both of his parents by the time he was 31 and I'm 33 and lucky that I had dad as long as I did. But I still feel way too young to be losing my parents.

I'm just having a terrible time lately. These are only some of the issues in my life right now - we have ongoing issues with my husband's ex-wife and my step kids and my mom is also in poor health. I just feel like I can't get ahead.

And making matters worse is that my weight is all over the place. I had dropped back down to 139 (mostly due to an illness, let's not kid ourselves) but now my weight can shift by as much as twelve pounds in a day. I am not joking - it's ridiculous. I think it's stress but it could also be related to whatever is going on with my body right now. I mean, I can step on the scale one day and be 143 and no joke be 155 the next morning. It even happens at the doctor's office, so I know it's not my scale!

I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'm just really missing my dad. And I am worried about my health and I'm worried about my step kids and I'm worried about my husband's job (which will likely be affected by whatever diagnosis we finally get) and I just feel completely overwhelmed. And totally defeated by my fluctuating weight, too. My clothes all still fit but sometimes it ain't pretty. I'm just having a tough go of it right now.

I'll be four years out in July and I really want to feel like a success here. And I suppose that losing as much as I have and keeping almost all of it off does qualify me as a success. I'm defeated by the idea of dieting back to goal again. I'm frustrated by the fact that I have to eat. I just don't feel like eating much lately. I worry that my poor habits right now might be really hard to break later. Going days without eating for almost the entire day and then just snacking all night long on junk isn't going to keep me focused and help me keep my weight in line. And I know that as always, I want to control my weight - I want to be in charge of when and how I lose because it's that easy target that gives immediate gratification. Life can go to hell and fall apart around me but somehow it's more bearable if I'm skinny. Call me insane, but that's how it works.

~Cheri

[swizzly 901]

Oh sweet Cheri, I'm SO sorry about your dad. Many many hugs. I lost mine too young too, it's just not fair.

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems too! I hope they find some answers for you.

Please keep us posted, I've been wondering and worrying about you, I'm happy you checked back in. Take care of yourself and be soooo kind to yourself right now. You need gentleness and understanding from yourself and others.

Much love and hugs to you...

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Cheri I am so sad that you have had so many medical issues and then losing your Dad on top of everything else. Let us know how your doing bc you are family to us here on BP.... If there is anything i can do for you, please let me know by PM. You are a really awesome person and already are a success! you have a beautiful heart. Sending healing energy your way....

[Noor1969 150]

I'm sorry that life is so overwhelming right now. My dad died when he was 33 of a massive heart attack so I can certainly relate to how you're feeling. I know you are stressed but try to be as kind and patient with yourself as you can. My prayers are with you--I hope you have brighter days soon!

[UK Cathy 977]

Cheri, so sorry for your loss, he was so young. Also your health issues must be a worry to you, do they think any of it is VSG related?

I know it is easy for me to say but concentrate on you and not your weight at the moment. Be kind to yourself.

I will hold you and your family in my prayers.

[lsereno 2,525]

Hi Cheri, I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your dad, your health issues, and your other issues. I'm sending love and thoughts your way.

I don't have tine to write a long post so I'm just gonna say two things

You can't hate yourself thin. Focus on your success. A beautiful baby, years at goal, and friends and family that cherish you.

Self-soothing, not self sabotage. Stock up on easy to grab healthy foods and treats. Clear the junk out of the house or set your healthy treat area away from the junk area. Buy yourself a non food treat.

Lynda

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Oh Cheri - when it rains it pours. I am so sorry for all this you are going through.

You are a huge success so don't let your current troubles ever take that feeling away from you.

(((HUGS)))

[gmanbat 5,889]

So sorry, Cheri, rough time for you.

Seems everyone is telling you to be gentle and kind with yourself. I must agree. If you are anything like me then you let things pile up on you. That is a big mistake. Take things one at a time as they occur. Don't be oppressed by the past or intimidated by the future. Live wisely in the moment you are in. Be your friend.

Hang in there, my dear friend!

[Georgia 2,908]

Cheri, no words on the loss of your Father. NOTHING replaces a Dad. I lost mine 13 years ago and it feels like yesterday. My heart goes out to you. I always think of things like my grands never got to meet my wonderful, funny Daddy and I know you have thoughts for your children too. Life can be hard and seemingly just throw too much at us at one time. I know you have always been a voice of compassion and caring to others here and I want to remind you of it. Be kind to yourself too. You are a NORMAL weight; have a new healthy baby and a lovely husband and family. I'm praying answers are found for your recent health issues and that they resolve quickly. I know you have strong faith so I say to you, "This too shall pass!" Love you. Come talk to us on 5:2.

Edited February 8, 2014 by Georgia

[Ballermom 803]

Cheri,

Sorry for you loss. Sending Hugs and we support you.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Cheri, so glad to see your face here, come vent anytime, we are here for you. I am sorry to hear about your dad... what a shock for you and your family.... And your health problems... glad to hear they have found no lesions or tumors... but mystery pain is so scary and draining. 12 pounds from one day to the next!!!? for heavens sake, how is that even possible?, that would be enough to make me batty all by itself! Yes do be gentle with yourself, one day at a time... give that baby a hug and a kiss. You are a dear woman, a success in so many ways, allow the love you know your dad had for you to stay like a light in your heart... healing you and keeping your love of life alive.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Cheri, you know everything I have been through in 2013, so you know I not only sympathize but empathize as well. Let others take care of you, let yourself feel ALL the feelings, hold your babies, and breathe. I've missed you, I will PM you.

[BrownDoesAll 409]

Hi Cheri.. So sorry to hear of your health issues. Unknown pain is so frustrating. Test after test with no answers. Stay strong there is an answer and it will be found.

The loss of a parent is hard, especially a sudden loss. "Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow."

I don't know where u are spiritually but I pray for a calm peace for your heart, your family and your life. We don't know why things happen the way they do, especially when it seems like we are in a pouring of misery and pain. This season of trouble will past. Lean on otherss for strength wwhen yours is low. Vent here and know we are praying for u.

Psalm 27:

Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me,In this I will be confident. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion;

Stay stong Cheri..one day at a time

[coops 1,790]

Cheri... oh my! I understand why you haven't been around now.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad's passing - such grief is so difficult to deal with and process. And that on top of your health concerns...

please follow the others wise words, to which I agree... look after you! I wish there was something I could do... but I am sending you love and hugs from across the pond...

You are such a good woman, and a good friend. You've always been there for me and stayed a positive light when things have been dark.

Be kind to yourself my lovely... you know where I am if you need to a chat... xx

[Fiddleman 4,376]

Cherie - best wishes to you and hope you can rest knowing that you are surrounded by people who care for you and unconditionally support you.