female only been rethinking the whole "full disclosure" topic - singles out there?

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am single and although I am not currently dating/trying to meet someone for a Long term I have over the past nearly a year done some online dating. I have always felt that before someone decides to "see" me he should know my history of obesity and plastics. I don't bring it up on the first or second date, but planned to tell anybody that I really intended to "go" with.

I have a "friend" that I have been seeing quite awhile (no long term potential there) and he told me -without my even asking - that I shouldn't bother mentioning my plastics. He knows everything I had and saw the wounds at 2 and half weeks so is very aware - and now at 3 months tells me he doesn't even notice them. By the time I am 6 or 12 months out the scars will be so faded... in his mind just not relevant. He also knows about my history of obesity and again sorta thinks it is irrelevant for dating. I guess by the time you are really serious with someone you should say something, but in the nearterm, just doesn't seem that important. He tells me I don't look like someone that was ever overweight (whatever THAT means) and since i am quite committed to maintaining fitness just isn't relevant.

I didn't totally agree with him since I like to get stuff out on the table, but I was reflecting that some of the men I met on online dating want to tell me way too much, way too soon and it is a huge turn off. Like, I am more interested in the who that you are now, the dreams you have for your life and the future you are working for then hearing about your bleepity-bleeping ex wife for instance. I was thinking that maybe my friend is right, that it is info that someone should eventually know, if we are really serious, but for a basically dating type relationship it just isn't that important.

i am curious what you other "singles" think about this.

[BigGirlPanties 957]

I am recently "unsingle"...but I'd say, when the time is right, you will know and then you can tell what you are comfortable with...imo

[Bufflehead 6,358]

I know this is going to make me sound shallow, superficial, and selfish, but I have to say that for at least the first few months of dating, I don't want to hear anyone's sad back stories, whether that is health issues, having been fired, bad relationships with parents, overcoming a childhood trauma, etc. I want to know who you are now and where you are going. Too much talk about negative things in the past makes me think a person is stuck in the past and will spend all their time dwelling on the bad things that happened then, and is possibly a bit on the self-pitying side. Also, too much overly intimate disclosure at the outset makes me think this person is looking to shack up right away and just wanting to glom on to any available person because they are desperate for companionship. I realize all of those things are unfair in lots of situations*, but that is just my reaction. If I am dating someone, I don't want to hear about her past surgeries until she takes me home to meet her parents, and even then, only if it's relevant to me now.

*for example, I've read a lot of your posts and don't imagine any of them would be applicable to you!

[Blondiee 278]

I have to agree with your friend. If we are dating seriously and there's long term potential, I'd discuss it with him. If we're just dating...NO.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Buffle, that is is my number one turn off from the many "first dates" I have gone on. Apparently I am easy to talk to because the THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME...OMG...make me wanna run the other direction. Astounding what people will say if you just keep your mouth shut and give them airtime to talk. Lordy.

In reflection, I am probably being unfair, but when you first meet someone you don't wanna know about every horrible thing that ever happened, ESPECIALLY as it relates to past marriages and relationships. It always makes me think they are carrying a grudge or something, who knows if that is true, but it leaves me that impression. Don't know what they are thinking to blab so much so soon...haha.

Anyway, I never talk about any of my weight and surgery history that early, but I guess I felt like someone who is actually dating me should know, but I have rethought that and think it is a conversation that should wait until we are moving into a pretty serious relationship.

I did meet someone last summer that I never dated, but we became friends (we do horse and hiking stuff together). I guess I told him fairly early on and he is one of the nosiest people about my weight loss - I find it a little annoying actually. It makes you really focus on the fact that it actually isn't other people's business unless they are seriously committed to you.

[newat52 1,613]

Not that I am any type of expert on the subject, I have been very happily married for more than 34 years. I guess I'm not sure what you mean by "full disclosure." Are you talking everything or just as it relates to your past obesity? It seems to me like that is just part of your medical history and does not need disclosing, especially early on. I do agree with you in that I would want to know about this potential persons interests, likes, dislikes and such. Get to know them as a person and as the relationship progresses subjects will come up naturally. Let it happen and when the time is right life stories come out. Thats what your past obesity and plastics are. Something that happened in your life but it doesn't define who you are as a person.

Again, not sure if this helps.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

I think this falls into the category of 'self identifiers'.. Such as 'divorced, parent, uncle, aunt, teacher, economist, etc. etc.' If you think it defines you - or has moulded you - insomuch as it has had one of the biggest impacts on your life and has significantly influenced how you are as a person now; then in some respects it would be natural to 'let it all out'. However and within that, (and maybe this is only applicable to me), I do feel an element of shame in my total lack of control when it came to my eating habits.

Through having this surgery, I have sought to regain that control. Because of this, to discuss the surgery for me would be a step towards being 'vulnerable'. Letting the guard down on a highly personal issue of which I'm sensitive. This is not something I would consider doing early-doors in a relationship.

I guess it comes down to what you feel sensitive about. If someone says 'I'm divorced with two kids' - then it is easy to comprehend the ramifications of this for an individuals circumstance and would give you a brief view into the window of any potential future (obviously with the variables of the current status of the ceased relationship, age of kids, etc. etc.)

If you say 'I've had bariatric surgery' - for most people who have never suffered with obesity they would undoubtedly find it a bit left field, because it is not as 'common' as divorce. Consequently, it would be quite difficult for most people to assess how that would impact on that individuals' life (other than the weight loss) or how it might impact upon them (the person who has been told) in the future - if there's a future.

On that basis, I'd rather avoid the possibility of 'Oooh, explain everything to me in minute gory detail' - because its not just about the 'cutting' element or the numbers. It goes far deeper than that.

So for me? I'd rather wait and tell them when I got to the stage that I wanted to know their intimate histories and when I felt the knowledge of my vulnerabilities was welcomed and more importantly, safe within their hands.

[rmeofone 43]

CGJ,

It's your call, but since I already know, we might as well go out!

-Alan

(Posted by Alan's sister, since men aren't allowed in here)

[Indigo1991 1,612]

CGJ, was going to suggest you check Alan out... But see you have already

I agree with an earlier poster, you'll instinctively know who to tell and when you feel it's right. In my vast recent experience (3 dates with different guys and one night with the Naked Hottie), I told one but not the other two (NH had come to see me as I recovered from surgery and so knew and didn't care).

The one I told was gobsmacked -"you don't look like you were ever fat" whatever that means! The other two assumed I was just another fit, healthy girl. I didn't feel bad for not telling them as I didn't feel we were going to go anywhere. But the one I told was because I felt there might be a potential relationship.... wrong again, lol! WLS doesn't give you additional powers when it comes to picking men, unfortunately...

Agree with what Revs says, to tell is to make yourself vulnerable and open to someone not understanding. But think you will know if it's a guy who will react well or badly....

[NMJG 1,266]

Jane, I'm not single, but you are such a cool lady, I had to comment. And I love your new profile pic. I wouldn't bring it up unless it was getting into the very long term committed stage with someone.

You aren't that obese person any longer and people who have not been obese just won't get it. It's not a topic you can throw out lightly and there will inevitably be conversation around it that could be very weird. I'd wait until you know that person is going to be around a long time. Just IMHO.

If you were always thin and just got a boob job, would you tell every guy you dated? I think not

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Alan sounds wonderful but the 2000 miles between us might be an obstacle!

Well the consensus seems to lean towards Steven's advice.. most won't care, it's not who I am anymore and it really doesn't matter. I WOULD tell someone once we are serious because I think a man might feel betrayed to hear it from someone else. Crap I am missing a section of a bone due to a horrible bone infection as a kid.... never been a showstopper for anyone....just part of who I am.

You know what is crazy though, people who have known me forever are already forgetting that I was ever huge. I am the family athlete -hiking, riding, adventurous sister/aunt. My own sons hardly believe it is me when they see old pix. The person they see now is the real me. I think that says good things about humans....we really CAN change and our loved ones really do accept the new "me" and truly believe that I have this obesity crap whipped. Makes me feel good that they accepted and loved me as an obeses woman and now just as much as a normal one. (Ps my son's are so cute, they begrudgingly confess I am hot now...lol)

[jcrsmom 45]

I personally do disclose it to pretty much anyone. I have had people who noticed my weight loss think maybe I was sick or something and I would rather coworks and such no the truth. As for dating and meeting people I would let them know mainly because dating seems to involve going out to eat and when I go out to eat, I eat so very little it doesnt look like I ate anything most of the time and I wind up taking pretty much the whole meal home in a box. So I find it easier just to give the heads up then have people trying to get me to eat more or feeling weird because they finished their food and mine barely looks touched.

But to each their own, whatever makes you comfortable is what you should do

[BethinPA 305]

I think that you make good points regarding whether or not to disclose, and I think it would be reasonable for you not to, given that you are so far out, and your plastics are done. For me, I feel that I do need to disclose at this point. I am seeing someone, and I felt that I needed to give him a heads up regarding my extra skin, rather than just let him discover it when we take our clothes off. I didn't really tell him in a confessionary sort of way, just in more of a matter of fact point of information sort of way. I didn't go into great detail, and I for sure did not offer any before pictures for him to see! He simply accepted it, and has been supportive. From the first date he teased me (in a nice way) about how little I eat, and I just rolled with that for several dates without disclosing. He asks questions, like why do I have a food scale in my kitchen, which gave me an opportunity to explain my eating habits. Its been quite good so far. We haven't gotten naked yet, so that is sort of still looming in front of me. But I'm hopeful!

[MichiganChic 3,262]

I'm not single, but if I were, I think it's something I would share at some point, but probably later. I think it's kind of like the missing the bone thing. Both were no doubt HUGE to you, but to a potential mate, not so much. Just part of who you are.

On a slightly different but similar note - I have a new-ish job. The people I work with now never knew me as that super obese person. I don't disclose that to them, and if they come to learn that information through a common acquaintance, I still wouldn't disclose how I got here. I'm planning to have plastics soon, and I'm not telling them that, either. (not sure how that will go, lol). Guess my point is I don't feel obligated to share my medical history with co-workers and new friends, though I might if ever there was a need to. This is also a different approach for me, because for the most part, I'm a full disclosure type of person, too - all open in the sunshine

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I think that you make good points regarding whether or not to disclose, and I think it would be reasonable for you not to, given that you are so far out, and your plastics are done. For me, I feel that I do need to disclose at this point. I am seeing someone, and I felt that I needed to give him a heads up regarding my extra skin, rather than just let him discover it when we take our clothes off. I didn't really tell him in a confessionary sort of way, just in more of a matter of fact point of information sort of way. I didn't go into great detail, and I for sure did not offer any before pictures for him to see! He simply accepted it, and has been supportive. From the first date he teased me (in a nice way) about how little I eat, and I just rolled with that for several dates without disclosing. He asks questions, like why do I have a food scale in my kitchen, which gave me an opportunity to explain my eating habits. Its been quite good so far. We haven't gotten naked yet, so that is sort of still looming in front of me. But I'm hopeful!

Cant wait to hear..Haha

So I made a huge deal out of my excess skin before the nekkid phase. Then he was like....I dunno, women your age,have had kids etc., just look that way. Obviously I had more excess skin than a typical woman but it was clearly a bigger deal in my head than it was in reality.