Food is Easier but Sex is better when in Need of Emotional Comfort

[Mary Jo Rapini 72]

Have you ever caught yourself watching TV at night and feeling lonely, bored or sad? Your partner may be sitting next to you or in their favorite chair, but you get up anyway; making the routine trip to the freezer to fix a bowl of ice cream, which will provide the comfort you are craving. It may not be ice cream; your comfort food may be a bag of Doritos, a pizza delivery, or a can of coke and leftovers from dinner. You aren’t really hungry, you may feel miserable, but the effort it would require to hug your partner, or become intimate with them isn’t as easy or comforting as food. People who struggle with weight often times struggle with intimacy as well. This struggle extends beyond their family, and affects their personal friendships as well. Eating for comfort may lead to more isolation. The more weight people gain, the less they want to mingle and the more they worry about what others will think or say.

Have we become a society of people medicating with food in order to feel better? Have we stopped turning to loved ones for support and comfort in lieu of food? Yes and no. Although overeating has always been a problem, the stress of technology speeding up our lives and forcing us to bring home more work, or never leaving work at work, we are all working more and more, and feeling less and less connected with those we love most. We return home feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Rewarding ourselves with food is a lot easier than becoming vulnerable and open to criticism from our partner or friends. There are other reasons more people are turning to food for emotional comfort rather than a relationship.

• You don’t have to leave your home to get comfort. Food delivery is available within blocks of our homes.
  
• Food is easy; you don’t need to invest any effort or time.
  
• You don’t have to get dressed to enjoy comfort food.
  
• You don’t have to look handsome, desirable or pretty for food.
  
• Food doesn’t judge you, leave you, or criticize you.
  
• Eating a delicious dinner is longer and more enjoyable for many people than sex (the average length of lovemaking is less than ten minutes).
  
• Food doesn’t cheat on you.
  
• Food is available anywhere, anytime, and for any reason.
  
• Food may be tied to memories of love and childhood which makes you feel loved.
  
• Food doesn’t require a partner.
  

So is it a bad thing if we prefer gourmet truffle macaroni and cheese along with a filet mignon and a fresh garden salad with gobs of ranch dressing? Is it bad to add chocolate mousse if you’ve had an especially rough day and need an additional reward? It’s not a judgment call of right or wrong, but it can be adding to your unhappiness and health. Intimacy with another is important. When you are intimate with someone they want you to be healthy; choosing food for comfort rather than reaching out to them would be hurtful or a sign of rejection. There are other reasons you need to find comfort in one another rather than food. Below are a few.

• Intimacy shared with another gives you a deeper connection.
  
• Intimacy doesn’t leave you with guilt, feeling disgusted, or body hate.
  
• Intimacy helps you lose weight, not gain.
  
• Intimacy lowers your heart rate.
  
• Intimacy lowers your blood pressure.
  
• Intimacy won’t cause diabetes.
  
• Intimacy is good for your heart.
  
• Intimacy improves your thinking.
  
• Intimacy is exercise and exercise is good.
  
• Intimacy won’t leave you feeling isolated.
  
• Intimacy doesn’t take your mobility away.
  
• Intimacy doesn’t cost anything.
  
• Intimacy doesn’t make your hips, knees or ankles hurt.
  
• Intimacy makes your brain work better.
  

Everyone understands the feeling of working and having a bag of chips or a package of Cookies nearby only to realize at the end of their task the bag or package is completely gone. They were eating them mindlessly. Eating to calm anxiety is more and more common. The primary reason for relationships growing apart is due to couples choosing other vices to fill the void they feel. Becoming aware of your behavior and what you are eating, as well as writing down what you eat (we forget) is a good way to begin eating less and becoming more in touch with the emotions you are repressing with food. A simple practice of not eating past 7 or 8 pm can help you lose weight, and communicate more with your partner, family or friends. Breaking the habit of turning to food is not easy, but with practice it does work. Intimacy and sex are better for you than food!

–Mary Jo Rapini

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

Great article!!

[mistysj 1,940]

Yes it's a great article but might leave singles or people in bad marriages feeling like they have no recourse. If you are in these situations you can find solutions to your isolation too but it might take a lot of work and possibly some therapy. I know firsthand that loneliness can lead to all kinds of risky behaviors.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Yes, in theory this is a good article but it absolutely can lead to risky behaviors. Also, it is not much healthier to load our emotional needs onto another person instead of onto a fork. We must find the acceptance and comfort within ourselves, not expect an outside source to fix it, be it arms or food. I have undergone a lot of trauma and loss and terror in the last year and recently found solace in the arms of someone who was there for me when I needed a human most. Unfortunately, I really let my guard down and leaned upon this person too much, and they weren't able to handle it and withdrew their comfort just when I had cracked open the cavern of need.

[mistysj 1,940]

Also, nobody every got pregnant from eating a donut. This philosophy of sex instead of food could lead too all kinds of scary outcomes and could actually become a transfer addiction. Sorry but the more I think about it, the more dangerous the advice seems.

[caroline2 89]

I do not agree with this at all. What about single people or even widowed people? Not everyone is in an intimate relationship. I'm so upset after reading this that I'm having trouble putting my thoughts in words. That's really all I can say now.

[Jean McMillan 2,973]

This is an interesting article, Mary Jo. Choosing sex instead of food is hard advice for me to take, and I've encountered a lot of obese women who have a personal history like mine - survivors of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, with years of promiscuity and other dangerous acting-out behaviors. Even obese people with picture-perfect childhoods are likely to experience years of self-loathing that's intensified by interpersonal and societal messages about body size.

Like mistysj, I also worry about transfer addiction. I'm in a long and stable married relationship, but I have a single WLS friend whose post-op sexual escapades have been disastrous and include one date-rape.

This is just another example of how complicated obesity is - a dense tangle of mind-body issues that weight loss (however achieved) is not going to cure or even treat without a lot of work on the part of the patient and her/his support team. Just putting together a support team is hard!

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Very thought provoking article.

While I understand some of the comments about singles/ people in bad relationships etc, as one of those people whose life has been horrendous in recent years (I am currently getting divorced after a bad ending to a long marriage), I want to read stuff like this. It is one person's opinion, that I can take or leave.

I take ownership for all of my actions - even the ones that may put me in a bad light. All that I take from this kind of article is that if and when I do find a healthy new relationship, this may put my relationship with food in a new perspective. I am not taking it as a slight to me or that it is making me less of a person because it doesn't currently apply to me. Nor does it make me want to rush out and have an inappropriate or risky relationship

But maybe that's just me, everyone is different. But please don't stop posting articles like this just because it doesn't apply to everyone.... articles can't be written with everyone in mind every time. I hope it will apply to me in future....

For now, lets not beat the article to death with caveats about "irresponsible sex can lead to pregnancy"etc. We are all grownups, reading this article isn't going to make me rush off and act out of character...

[Jean McMillan 2,973]

Very thought provoking article.

While I understand some of the comments about singles/ people in bad relationships etc, as one of those people whose life has been horrendous in recent years (I am currently getting divorced after a bad ending to a long marriage), I want to read stuff like this. It is one person's opinion, that I can take or leave.

I take ownership for all of my actions - even the ones that may put me in a bad light. All that I take from this kind of article is that if and when I do find a healthy new relationship, this may put my relationship with food in a new perspective. I am not taking it as a slight to me or that it is making me less of a person because it doesn't currently apply to me. Nor does it make me want to rush out and have an inappropriate or risky relationship

But maybe that's just me, everyone is different. But please don't stop posting articles like this just because it doesn't apply to everyone.... articles can't be written with everyone in mind every time. I hope it will apply to me in future....

For now, lets not beat the article to death with caveats about "irresponsible sex can lead to pregnancy"etc. We are all grownups, reading this article isn't going to make me rush off and act out of character...

As we say in 12-step groups (on this side of the pond, anyway), take what you need and leave the rest.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Jean

Exactly - and I love that phrase, will be sure to use it over my side of the pond!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I concur Jean. It is a thought provoking article, that is why there have been such excellent responses, pointing out the variety of understandings. I defnitely have found myself, post wls, aware of the times when I have begun to put something in my mouth and realized that what I really wanted was to be with people, participation. Participation I think is a crucial and pivotal word for formerly obese people, participation in the world around us, participation and permission. My favorite part of the day now is when I suit up and hit the weight room, I was so intimidated to go in there at first, for so many reasons, now I know it as a friendly place where I am a part of the group, we recognize each other, spot each other... We were told no, so often and so emphatically, by society that we forgot that the only permission we need is from ourselves..

That was a bit of a tangent, whoops! As for the affection, physical affection, I am way more affectionate with everyone now, I pat backs, forearms, I willingly hug friends, and I also use names more when talking to the person. Perhaps like a dog that only knew cruelty and abuse and at first cringes at the shelter, now through positive reinforcement I am friendlier.

[Jean McMillan 2,973]

That was a bit of a tangent, whoops! As for the affection, physical affection, I am way more affectionate with everyone now, I pat backs, forearms, I willingly hug friends, and I also use names more when talking to the person. Perhaps like a dog that only knew cruelty and abuse and at first cringes at the shelter, now through positive reinforcement I am friendlier.

When I was obese, a friend of mine once told me "I know you're a touch-me-not" every time she hugged me. Like you, I enjoy casual affection more now. Liking intimacy, though, is an uphill battle.

[KayleeC14 159]

This is an interesting topic and article! I can see both ends of the spectrum's with emotional eating over having sex. Yes, sex is great and its a great stress reliever in many ways. But also having sex all the time because you are feeling down or lonely or any kind of emotion can lead to risky behaviors. Such risky behaviors could lead to cheating on a loved one, going out and having multiple partners, STI's and STD's, an unwanted pregnancy and the list goes on.

I was an emotional eater and there are days where I stop myself from being one because of how stressed I am that day. Finding other outlets to get those emotions are tough but fun. Take up a new hobby (sex can be hobby too, but lets hope not) like photography, traveling, blogging, or just try something different every day can help.

I will say I am more affectionate now then I ever has been but I save the sex and intimacy with my loved one.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I am currently in a mutually beneficial situation for stress release and I cannot overstate how incredibly helpful this has been, and, last night I came back to my room and there was a bag of microwave popcorn that I could have made, and I didn't even want it!

[Guest]

I believe this advice is good for people who are in loving and committed relationships. If that is you, you should be choosing sex over food. Although I can't speak from experience (I've never had an intimate partner) I know from my married friends that a good sex life makes everything better.

However, if you're single, this is certainly not applicable. Also, what if you've never been intimate with anyone at all and never find someone to be intimate with? Are those of us who fall into that category just screwed? How are we supposed to fulfill that need? This subject has always been a difficult one for me, because I'm lonely, crave intimacy and have always used food as my substitute. I know that's how I got to this point. Food was my boyfriend because food can't get you pregnant, give you an STD or break your heart. That was always my justification for overeating.

So now I'm to the point where I'm making healthy life choices and preparing for this surgery. But then what? The need for intimacy is human, but finding someone to be with is a nightmare, especially these days. Might I suggest more articles/advice on finding healthy substitutes for human intimacy?