Being unaware of how I look compared to others.

kyethra · March 25, 2007

I have a rather odd problem: I really don't know how my body looks compared to other people. I mean I know I am overweight and everything and that I have a spare tire which does tend to annoy me as it sticks out and big boobs and how tall I am and so forth, but I don't know how overweight or flabby I am comparatively, if that makes sense. Here's an example: There was a friend of a friend of my husband's who was also morbidly obese. And she was only about an inch or two shorter than I was. If I had had to guess I would have said that maybe she weighed about 30 pounds more than me. And I saw her frequently. When I asked my husband he told me she definately weighed about 100 pounds more than me! I also don't know how I look compared to women who are also overweight but weight a lot less than me. I think I might look about 30 pounds more than them too maybe. I have no idea if that is more accurate or as out of whack as looking 30 pounds lighter than someone who is 100 poudns heavier than me (and apparently she looks 100 pounds heavier than me too). I've always been like this- never able to compare. I'm not sure if it is related to my Aspergers/NLD(LD with spatial problems) or not.

But I do think it would be a good idea for me to work on getting better at knowing what I look like body wise compared to others. One thing I was going to do is assemble pictures from various sources and have my husband tell me which ones look like me (like they might weight what I weight based on a visual look) or a friend. Or my DH tell me when we at the store or something if he sees a women who looks like I do (distreectly of course). I think that now, as I lose weight and am working on other food or body issues that this is a good time to work on this issue.

Any other ideas? I'd appreciate them!

neveragain · March 25, 2007

I think I'm the same way sometimes. Granted, people misjudge me for being 240-250 all of the time, but still. I'm confident in my looks just enough to get me by, which often manifests itself as ego, but not obnoxious. I think I'm a bit bigger than people let on...

jahair · March 25, 2007

I have a rather odd problem: I really don't know how my body looks compared to other people. I mean I know I am overweight and everything and that I have a spare tire which does tend to annoy me as it sticks out and big boobs and how tall I am and so forth, but I don't know how overweight or flabby I am comparatively, if that makes sense. Here's an example: There was a friend of a friend of my husband's who was also morbidly obese. And she was only about an inch or two shorter than I was. If I had had to guess I would have said that maybe she weighed about 30 pounds more than me. And I saw her frequently. When I asked my husband he told me she definately weighed about 100 pounds more than me! I also don't know how I look compared to women who are also overweight but weight a lot less than me. I think I might look about 30 pounds more than them too maybe. I have no idea if that is more accurate or as out of whack as looking 30 pounds lighter than someone who is 100 poudns heavier than me (and apparently she looks 100 pounds heavier than me too). I've always been like this- never able to compare. I'm not sure if it is related to my Aspergers/NLD(LD with spatial problems) or not. Yes, I think it is related to the Aspergers and maybe heighted with the spatial relations thing. One thing about Aspergers is an inability or difficulty in processing information about others or self using visual clues, so I'm not too surprised about your having this challenge. My daughter is an Aspie too with ADHD (inattentive). You don't tend to run across too many females with this.
But I do think it would be a good idea for me to work on getting better at knowing what I look like body wise compared to others. One thing I was going to do is assemble pictures from various sources and have my husband tell me which ones look like me (like they might weight what I weight based on a visual look) or a friend. Or my DH tell me when we at the store or something if he sees a women who looks like I do (distreectly of course). I like both of your ideas so you can get the visual information to inform you and help give this subject some normal boundaries so you can learn.

I think that now, as I lose weight and am working on other food or body issues that this is a good time to work on this issue.

Any other ideas? I'd appreciate them!

Something else that might help is a website called "My Virtual Model" You can create a model with your dimensions and look and see what that is like. Then you can create the ideal weight and see what the difference would be, or take a look at any weight you like. This will help give you a visual reference.

Click here: My Virtual Model - Go Shopping

Write and let us know if any of these methods are good for you and what you are looking for.

PS. I don't know any adult females with Asperger's. My 17 year old daughter was diagnosed in 10th grade. There are so many questions I have about the coming years and no one to ask! If you are willing to carry this conversation further off-line, why not send me a PM and we can continue the conversation.

Jo Ann

mariecarmen · March 25, 2007

I don't have Asperger's or ADHD or any spacial problems but I have similar difficulties with comparisons.

At my heaviest and feeling glaringly obese, I would ask my husband how I looked. Not a vague, "Does this make me look fat?" But walking in public and seeing a heavy woman I would ask, "Are my legs that large?," or, "Is my belly that big?" Just to get an idea of how I looked from a distance and not 4 feet from my bedroom mirror.

I'd always got a nice, but useless in this situation, answer, "You're beautiful, I love you just the way you are." Okay, thanks for your honesty.

Better person to ask was a sister or really close friend. That's the only way I could get a feel of how my body size related to others of "normal" size.

I went to that visual model site referenced above. Wow, that's a great help. I put in my heaviest, pre-surgical weight and my current weight. What an eye-opener!

MC

Alexandra · March 25, 2007

This problem is VERY common, and not just among obese people. What I found that helped me the most was pictures of me in groups and next to other people. Look in store windows as you walk by and compare yourself to other passers-by.

I don't think it's helpful to ask others to compare you--they are seeing you through their lenses of love, or a desire not to offend, or what have you. A friend might be able to help with this, but it's the last thing I'd expect a husband to be able to handle, and I don't think it's fair to ask anyway. It's just too loaded an issue. Part of this journey, though, is seeing ourselves in a new light as we move through the world differently, and having a grasp of the "before" can add excitement as we move into the "after."

Comparing ourselves to others based on weight is a lost cause, though. We are all shaped so differently and have such different densities that it's meaningless. I've met women my height who wear only one or two sizes smaller than I, but who weigh scores of pounds less. Being tall changes the equation, as does muscle mass. There's just no point in trying to draw conclusions about size vs. weight except as it relates to ourselves. Other people have their own dynamics, and theirs can't teach us anything about our own.

alicat3924 · March 25, 2007

I agree with the virtual model thing it's so accurate!! Again being that we are similar in stats and I (as I have been told) are big boned...I remember being 200 lbs and in a size 10 jeans so when we are tall and large framed we tend to carry our weight better than someone with that weight and shorter. The funniest thing for me was when I went into do my presurgical upper GI and the technician said wow you look great how much weight have you lost so far and I told them I havn't even had the surgery yet and they had to go check the paperwork LOL. If you are like me I am very muscular as well so I tend to weigh more because of that but look like I weigh less. My best advice i could give you is not to compare yourself because as you lose weight your body looks much different. I just had a "guy" friend of mine who hasn't seen me since my surgery tell me I looked Fantastic and I am thinking in my head I weight 233 lbs how can I look fantastic LOL but you know what I am a size 14 now so that's much better than a 22-24 so I must look better right?

Keep doing what you are doing...stick to the band rules and one day you are going to be like OMG look at me !!!!

libra · March 25, 2007

I always figured I just had really high self esteem as usually thought I looked better than I actually did! LOL!! Then I would see a photograph of myself and....YIKES!

HarleyNana · March 25, 2007

I usually point to someone, (discreetly), and ask my husband, am I as big as she is? He usually give me the "right" answer, LOL.

ouachita · March 25, 2007

I think a lot of us have a problem with really understanding objectively how we look, especially those of us who were athletic in our younger days. We seem to have a body image that is a carry over from when we were relatively slim and could do whatever we wanted to. A sort of reverse Body Dysmorphic Disorder if you will. Where anorexics and bulemics unrealistically see themselves as obese some of us who are blessed with exceptional girth tend to have a mental image of ourselves as trimmer than we really are. I know that seeing myself in a mirror is not near as traumatic to my self image as seeing myself in a photograph.

Rationally I knew I was morbidly obese (I recently dropped below that classification!), but emotionally I just didn't feel like I was morbidly obese. Looking at myself in the mirror I saw a guy who was fat but still in relatively good shape (Whatever that is!? ) Seeing myself in a photograph produced an almost, "Oh my God, that can't be me!" reaction. I have to confess that I schemed to control the camera and shots to avoid having my picture taken. Sounds pretty pathetic now doesn't it. LOL

Anyone else experience something similar?

(I don't mean to equate the above experience to true BDD...it's just the closest condition I could think of that might relate.)

kyethra · March 25, 2007

I thought it was normal to always instantly delete or get rid of the bad pictures of onesself... It helps to boost the self esteem. I may have one or two bad pictures but even then I sitll can't tell... I think I look pretty damn cute, esp in certain pictures. And if it is a not cute pic I am more likely to blame its not being on cute on lighting or clothing choice or hairstyle or angle of camera than ME... LOL

The virtual model is neat! I had DH help me with it. (He's very honest because he knows I depend on that. Also I'm never going to get mad at him for telling me how something/I truly look I tell him if/when he asks me if his hairline is receeding more and I tell it exactly like it is.) I wish I could customize it a little more, like we couldn't get the model to have bigger boobs on it. But thats ok. Its a good tool.