Have you also changed between the ears?

[PdxMan 4,292]

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, RJ, but your story may not be as unique as you think. I highly doubt you are the only one who has discovered those closest to us have turned. I have often heard it said we are hurt the most by the ones closest to us. I think your story carries a great message to anyone else experiencing the same thing.

But now you have to make a choice. Do you continue to let these people live rent free in your head or do you evict the poison they have spread into your life. Do you want to live in their ideals or move on with the new you?

Years ago when I got sober, I had to abandon my entire circle of friends and acquaintances as they were poison to my very existence. It wasn't easy and I mourned the loss, but soon, I was able to learn how much these people where keeping me down. Only then was I able to be truly free from that old life.

Keep the post. I understand where you husband is coming from, but he has not traveled this path. We never know how or where our story is going to benefit someone else.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, RJ, but your story may not be as unique as you think. I highly doubt you are the only one who has discovered those closest to us have turned. I have often heard it said we are hurt the most by the ones closest to us. I think your story carries a great message to anyone else experiencing the same thing.

But now you have to make a choice. Do you continue to let these people live rent free in your head or do you evict the poison they have spread into your life. Do you want to live in their ideals or move on with the new you?

Years ago when I got sober, I had to abandon my entire circle of friends and acquaintances as they were poison to my very existence. It wasn't easy and I mourned the loss, but soon, I was able to learn how much these people where keeping me down. Only then was I able to be truly free from that old life.

Keep the post. I understand where you husband is coming from, but he has not traveled this path. We never know how or where our story is going to benefit someone else.

I am working hard to move on.........It was just that these people were part of my family...I knew all of them forever....They were a huge part of my life..I was happy with their companionship...Then in one foul swoop it was gone.....Not only a huge change in my size, health, life but all the stability I had around me vanished...And that has been hard to handle with everything else...........

Between my ears I know that this too will pass and I will come out the other side stronger and a better person for it...I know that....But it is like others part of what made me me and now it has all changed again...I hate change....I love things to always be the same and calm and normal and even...That coming from a person who changed as much as I have.....

I understand that others like yourself had to go through things like this also...I feel where you came from I understand....Right now they do have power over my being because I mourn their loss so much as I spend a lot of time a lone now........It is somewhat like dealing with a death,,,you know.....

I do have plans i am going forward though and am going to push some things into focus for myself and others......I can be pretty determined when the need be you know...........

Thanks everyone for encouraging me to keep it in its place....I will continue to push it out and get on with my journey....

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Just keep room for something better to happen than you could possibly imagine. I have lost friends. Some of them could not accept my changes... and I really think it made them see themselves in a way they didn't like. There are fine people out there, so when you are ready, I hope you put yourself out there again, to attract friend ship and love, and maybe even those friends and family who were imperfect in their friendship and love may grow and come back better equipped to be good to you.

Edited January 24, 2014 by feedyoureye

[Queen of Crop 1,103]

When I was in my 30's I was going through a divorce and met a friend who was there for me every single step and minute of the day; he was a gay guy and he changed my world. I could not have asked for more love, support, guidance, friendship. We became very very close and in fact I lived with him for a while. I was closer to him than anyone I had ever known, including my best friends and my (ex) husband. He even introduced to me what would turn out to be my current husband.....but then things changed; he became very jealous of my new relationship.....and our friendship suffered. I had to make the decision to not have him in my life because he was so out of control, but it was one of the hardest things I had ever done because he had given me so so much. I had to come to the realization that people come in (and out) of our lives all the time. The idea of one true love forever, or one best friend forever is very romantic, but not realistic. I still care about this man but I cannot have him in my life. Sometimes you have to realize that they were there for a reason, and that reason no longer exists.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

When I was in my 30's I was going through a divorce and met a friend who was there for me every single step and minute of the day; he was a gay guy and he changed my world. I could not have asked for more love, support, guidance, friendship. We became very very close and in fact I lived with him for a while. I was closer to him than anyone I had ever known, including my best friends and my (ex) husband. He even introduced to me what would turn out to be my current husband.....but then things changed; he became very jealous of my new relationship.....and our friendship suffered. I had to make the decision to not have him in my life because he was so out of control, but it was one of the hardest things I had ever done because he had given me so so much. I had to come to the realization that people come in (and out) of our lives all the time. The idea of one true love forever, or one best friend forever is very romantic, but not realistic. I still care about this man but I cannot have him in my life. Sometimes you have to realize that they were there for a reason, and that reason no longer exists.

This brought tears to my eyes......That must have been very painful for you!!! And most likely still is at times....Thank you for sharing your sad story with me...I appreciate it so much you cannot imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Just keep room for something better to happen than you could possibly imagine. I have lost friends. Some of them could not accept my changes... and I really think it made them see themselves in a way they didn't like. There are fine people out there, so when you are ready, I hope you put yourself out there again, to attract friend ship and love, and maybe even those friends and family who were imperfect in their friendship and love may grow and come back better equipped to be good to you.

Everything FYE said ^, and RJ you too, definitely do not erase your feedback. This thread and your posts RJ, have brought forth some very tender and bruised knowledge that I guess I don't really focus on much/enough... I gave and gave, because I *knew* that the only way I could get people to "put up with" my existence was if I was useful to them somehow... and 130 pounds later, you know what, I'm still doing that... I am recognizing it now, and curtailing it when I can, but it is difficult, and saddens me because I do still feel that way... that if I say no or put myself first, that people will just drop me and move on...

I have a strange narcissism too, I automatically think people laughing must be laughing at me, whispers are plots against me, when I get looked at in the gym it must be because I stick out in a bad way ... I understand with my logical brain that this is all untrue, but in my heart ...

And you know what, I have been betrayed, a LOT. I think I picked bad people, I don't know why really, I can guess that maybe I actually picked them on purpose? So it hurt less when they inevitably hurt me? I don't know.

I too have forgotten what daily life was like big, but I catch myself in behaviors that have no place in my life anymore, from simple things like turning over in bed very carefully because it used to take so much effort to do so, and even at the gym, having to remind myself to not automatically discount an exercise, to realize that I actually can do it...

And maybe I'm carrying around some shame too, for having been so SO obese, how do I bring it up with someone I date? What happens when they eventually see old photos? I was with my last boyfriend for a year and we are still very close friends and I have never told him that I used to be obese or that I had surgery (my surgeon was so skilled that you can't even see my scars).

I would have said automatically that of course I have changed tremendously between the ears but now, now I'm not so sure ....

and I still am so fat...

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

GT you once told me I moved out into the visible girls club....and you were right. at first it was uncomfortable that people noticed me, looked at me. It wasn't my imagination, it really happens. I am finally pretty okay with it. Look at me, don't look, like what you see, don't like - it's pretty much the same to me. A lifetime of being invisible meant that it took awhile to get to this comfortable spot.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Just keep room for something better to happen than you could possibly imagine. I have lost friends. Some of them could not accept my changes... and I really think it made them see themselves in a way they didn't like. There are fine people out there, so when you are ready, I hope you put yourself out there again, to attract friend ship and love, and maybe even those friends and family who were imperfect in their friendship and love may grow and come back better equipped to be good to you.

Everything FYE said ^, and RJ you too, definitely do not erase your feedback. This thread and your posts RJ, have brought forth some very tender and bruised knowledge that I guess I don't really focus on much/enough... I gave and gave, because I *knew* that the only way I could get people to "put up with" my existence was if I was useful to them somehow... and 130 pounds later, you know what, I'm still doing that... I am recognizing it now, and curtailing it when I can, but it is difficult, and saddens me because I do still feel that way... that if I say no or put myself first, that people will just drop me and move on...

I have a strange narcissism too, I automatically think people laughing must be laughing at me, whispers are plots against me, when I get looked at in the gym it must be because I stick out in a bad way ... I understand with my logical brain that this is all untrue, but in my heart ...

And you know what, I have been betrayed, a LOT. I think I picked bad people, I don't know why really, I can guess that maybe I actually picked them on purpose? So it hurt less when they inevitably hurt me? I don't know.

I too have forgotten what daily life was like big, but I catch myself in behaviors that have no place in my life anymore, from simple things like turning over in bed very carefully because it used to take so much effort to do so, and even at the gym, having to remind myself to not automatically discount an exercise, to realize that I actually can do it...

And maybe I'm carrying around some shame too, for having been so SO obese, how do I bring it up with someone I date? What happens when they eventually see old photos? I was with my last boyfriend for a year and we are still very close friends and I have never told him that I used to be obese or that I had surgery (my surgeon was so skilled that you can't even see my scars).

I would have said automatically that of course I have changed tremendously between the ears but now, now I'm not so sure ....

and I still am so fat...

Thank you so much Globetrotter for your honesty regarding my post.....I am starting to feel more like a different person now I have almost forgotten what it was like to be morbidly obese ( hate that word ) anyway it is when I see pictures of myself that I cringe...Other wise it is all the loose skin that keeps me in check....

I don't think I will ever be totally cured of the give, give , give disease... I think that is part of our nature..I do like to help people I am a people person and want to be there for them.....

I just need to find people who I don't allow into my heart for them to destroy me anymore...I have come a long way...I say no a lot more now and sometimes I take the time to really see how I feel about something before I plunge headlong into it.....

I think the thing that was the most confusing for me was when I had the time to realize what these people were doing...It happened so slowly and painfully that it built up and built up until I almost busted up.....

I am recovering..But like I said....It is still just under the surface and it is so painful that I cannot even talk about it without sobbing.....

I am no longer interested in any of their friendships and have made that clear to all of them.....I wrote letters to the closest to me and I got a reply from only one who was condescending regarding my feelings so I wrote her again..This time I did not hide any details..It was good for me to do that so that they knew exactly where I stand! She never responded!

I guess for me it was time to take out the trash and that is how I did it...That said it still hurts deep..Enough time has not passed for it not to hurt....

I must and you too find a new life and forgive ourselves for the self loathing we have for our own past.....Just like everyone else has the ability to go on..We need to too...We are heading in the right direction you and I because we have brought our feelings to light..wide open and the pain flows through....Fine this is me now.............but wait until the next me part of me comes out.....she might be a holy terror and so be it

Thank you, thank you so much for your reply......I really needed to know I am not alone in this world with my loss of friends and family not because I'm an ax murderer but because I decided to change my life...........

[MichiganChic 3,262]

In short, to answer your question, I have had some changes in the way I think, but it's mostly about how I thought about food. I used to center every activity and event around it - in many cases, the food WAS the event. Now when I have gatherings, the food gets it's rightful place, not the center of the universe it was.

As far as how I think about my place in the world, I am probably more confident that I can blend in more. Others talk about being invisible, but I never felt that way. I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb in every situation because I was always the biggest person in the room, and that's what was on my mind. I assume it was on everyone else's too, which may or may not have been true. I have a pretty strong personality, and I can think of a few times I thought like I was treated poorly because of my weight, but mostly I refused to acknowledge it. I refused to accept that anyone would treat me poorly because of my weight, so I would work double time to draw them out until they had no choice but to engage with me. If I could get them to see past the exterior, I was always good to go. However, I do think that while I was very successful at work, I had to work harder and always be on, and was judged a little differently than peers. Sometimes I wonder if I was being treated worse (in all aspects of life) than I realized or recognized because of my refusal to let my weight hinder me in any way. I think they call that denial, lol.

So now, I don't waste my time worrying about those things, because they are not barriers for me. Some people like me, some less so. I still work double time to engage those people, because I'm not having that, lol. I gained the confidence to get a great new job, and even though I've lost another 40 pounds since I started there, people never knew me as that morbidly obese person. I love that not one soul there knows or sees me in that light.

So, I do think it's inevitable that the way we view the world will change as we do. It's the same as we age, as life events happen to us, and as we grow.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

In short, to answer your question, I have had some changes in the way I think, but it's mostly about how I thought about food. I used to center every activity and event around it - in many cases, the food WAS the event. Now when I have gatherings, the food gets it's rightful place, not the center of the universe it was.

As far as how I think about my place in the world, I am probably more confident that I can blend in more. Others talk about being invisible, but I never felt that way. I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb in every situation because I was always the biggest person in the room, and that's what was on my mind. I assume it was on everyone else's too, which may or may not have been true. I have a pretty strong personality, and I can think of a few times I thought like I was treated poorly because of my weight, but mostly I refused to acknowledge it. I refused to accept that anyone would treat me poorly because of my weight, so I would work double time to draw them out until they had no choice but to engage with me. If I could get them to see past the exterior, I was always good to go. However, I do think that while I was very successful at work, I had to work harder and always be on, and was judged a little differently than peers. Sometimes I wonder if I was being treated worse (in all aspects of life) than I realized or recognized because of my refusal to let my weight hinder me in any way. I think they call that denial, lol.

So now, I don't waste my time worrying about those things, because they are not barriers for me. Some people like me, some less so. I still work double time to engage those people, because I'm not having that, lol. I gained the confidence to get a great new job, and even though I've lost another 40 pounds since I started there, people never knew me as that morbidly obese person. I love that not one soul there knows or sees me in that light.

So, I do think it's inevitable that the way we view the world will change as we do. It's the same as we age, as life events happen to us, and as we grow.

I like your way of dealing.....You went on no matter what and did not let them destroy who was really inside...I admire that! Nothing wrong with being a " strong personality " That is probably what kept you going and keeping you strong through out your times of problems in your life.....

I am one of those people who have the ability to feel what is going on around me..To be able to look at a person and know if they are happy or not....Hell if I let myself I can tell if they had sex the night before...It is awful...Sometimes I just want to put blinders on.....I learned to be that way to protect myself as a child..To know what the mood was at home before it exploded in my face.....

Sometimes I just never looked and like you refused to think about it..But as time went on I could no longer do that....It was so painful!

I have made changes as well....Some good some not as I am more cautious about people then I used to be and I hold back more then I used to. I no longer entertain people when I am at the doctors office and engage everyone in laughter to hide behind it like I used to....

Now it is so boring when I go to appointments..But you know what?! I now decide when I want to entertain..not because I am trying to hide behind it....

The new me does not see it as a necessary thing to do anymore!

I like your attitude!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MichiganChic 3,262]

I like your way of dealing.....You went on no matter what and did not let them destroy who was really inside...I admire that! Nothing wrong with being a " strong personality " That is probably what kept you going and keeping you strong through out your times of problems in your life.....

I am one of those people who have the ability to feel what is going on around me..To be able to look at a person and know if they are happy or not....Hell if I let myself I can tell if they had sex the night before...It is awful...Sometimes I just want to put blinders on.....I learned to be that way to protect myself as a child..To know what the mood was at home before it exploded in my face.....

Sometimes I just never looked and like you refused to think about it..But as time went on I could no longer do that....It was so painful!

I have made changes as well....Some good some not as I am more cautious about people then I used to be and I hold back more then I used to. I no longer entertain people when I am at the doctors office and engage everyone in laughter to hide behind it like I used to....

Now it is so boring when I go to appointments..But you know what?! I now decide when I want to entertain..not because I am trying to hide behind it....

The new me does not see it as a necessary thing to do anymore!

I like your attitude!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that is tremendous growth that you can identify and change a behavior that you feel wasn't in your best interest. Good for you! I can't imagine going to public places and entertaining others. You must have been exhausted all the time!

I know what you mean about having the ability to look around and assess the lay of the land. I can do that, too. What I don't do is absorb it and take it on as my own. But I know exactly what you are saying, because I see my mother do that. She really feels what she observes others feeling. I think it makes people like you much more empathetic, but also can be exhausting and counterproductive for you. I do think it's a wonderful human quality and the world is a better place for having people like you in it. The trick is to not let it eat you alive

Anyway, I like your attitude, too!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I think that is tremendous growth that you can identify and change a behavior that you feel wasn't in your best interest. Good for you! I can't imagine going to public places and entertaining others. You must have been exhausted all the time!

I like your way of dealing.....You went on no matter what and did not let them destroy who was really inside...I admire that! Nothing wrong with being a " strong personality " That is probably what kept you going and keeping you strong through out your times of problems in your life.....

I am one of those people who have the ability to feel what is going on around me..To be able to look at a person and know if they are happy or not....Hell if I let myself I can tell if they had sex the night before...It is awful...Sometimes I just want to put blinders on.....I learned to be that way to protect myself as a child..To know what the mood was at home before it exploded in my face.....

Sometimes I just never looked and like you refused to think about it..But as time went on I could no longer do that....It was so painful!

I have made changes as well....Some good some not as I am more cautious about people then I used to be and I hold back more then I used to. I no longer entertain people when I am at the doctors office and engage everyone in laughter to hide behind it like I used to....

Now it is so boring when I go to appointments..But you know what?! I now decide when I want to entertain..not because I am trying to hide behind it....

The new me does not see it as a necessary thing to do anymore!

I like your attitude!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know what you mean about having the ability to look around and assess the lay of the land. I can do that, too. What I don't do is absorb it and take it on as my own. But I know exactly what you are saying, because I see my mother do that. She really feels what she observes others feeling. I think it makes people like you much more empathetic, but also can be exhausting and counterproductive for you. I do think it's a wonderful human quality and the world is a better place for having people like you in it. The trick is to not let it eat you alive

Anyway, I like your attitude, too!

You hit the nail on the head..i would entertain everyone and after get in my car and on the way home feel like I had no strength left......I suffer from depression as well so it was another reason I became the comedian...It would not allow me to panic in the situations....

I felt like I was 2 completely different people all the time....Now I am more so letting the real me emerge..Sorta like " ready or not here I come ".

Thank you for your thoughts they mean a lot to me..

Edited January 30, 2014 by RJ'S/beginning

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Yes, keeping everyone entertained, having the most finely callibrated antennae to the mood of a room, from years of one's personal or psychological safety depending on it ....