Started the journey, came to the 1st fork in the road. Left for the truth, right for the discretion

[charlieblue 24]

Hi Benny and all the others on this thread. I commend each of you for your courage and for setting boundaries that feel right and comfortable for YOU. These boundary lines may or may not be the same for everyone. While others are not entitled to know such personal information I find it can be more uncomfortable to carry around secrets and tend to "over-share" as a result. So, when it came to this very personal journey I've made a conscious decision to exercise a greater level of discretion than I might otherwise have done had this been another type of surgery.

I stumbled upon Bariatric Pal just in the nick of time and have been searching for this particular topic for a few days. My Feb. 3 surgery date creeps ever closer and I'm struggling with whom to tell and NOT to tell about my news. It took over a year to make my ultimate decision to move forward with my VSG and I've done tons of research as it's my nature to do so. I've also watched many YouTube videos of other sleevers. They've each made my decision SO much easier.

I work in close quarters in an office setting with only about 9 administrative staff at my location. One of these co-workers had a Gastric Bypass many years ago. So far, I've told my husband, two teenage children, my mother, two sisters, my boss and one co-worker who also needs to know. These seven people have ALL been at least neutral if not outright supportive. They have expressed concern, a healthy dose of skepticism, and caution; but ultimately have been supportive - even those naturally slim ones who've not walked in my shoes along the arduous path of being overweight for years. Today, after more careful thought, I decided to open up to the co-worker who had Gastric Bypass. She smiled and hugged me. In her embrace I felt an immediate sense of camaraderie and acceptance. She told me how happy she was for me. I knew I had made the right decision. I'm sure she was also delighted to have a new "bariatric buddy" to commiserate with now!

Unlike my family and co-workers, my husband's family is large (in number), rather opinionated and controlling. Once I broached the subject of weight loss surgery with one of them and she immediately responded, "NO! YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT!" I just brushed her comment aside and said I was just taking the 12-week preparation class to educate myself about the options 'out there.' Despite the controlling nature of that side of our family, we are close and they are loving and supportive of our family in many ways. I know they will feel truly hurt if I wait until after surgery to spring the news on them. I believe they will eventually come around once the realization sets in that this was my decision to make, not theirs. The partial explanation approach: "I'm just eating a healthier diet and exercising more." will never fly with this group. They all know I've tried EVERYthing to lose weight and they'd never buy it. They're far too astute. I suppose time will tell. I'm leaning toward spilling the Beans about a week before surgery so they have time to process the concept; but I'm still not 100% sure when the "right" opportunity will present itself. I'll suppose I'll just have to follow my heart and trust my own instincts ...

Like most others, my decision was based primarily on the priority of extending my life and to ensuring my children and husband will have a mom/wife around for a long time; one who will soon be physically able to keep up and participate fully in our lives together. Blessings to all of you and my gratitude to those of you patient enough to read my posting. It's much longer than I expected it would be!

[CrazyJaney 775]

Hello Benny, I know you are waiting on some guys to weigh in on this topic and Im sure they will soon but just wanted to say that other than my Husband and daughter, I've not told a single soul. I don't intend to tell anyone either. I am not interested in anyone else's opinion of whether I should or should not have the surgery, I don't want anyone watching what I eat or don't eat and I don't want to be judged by others. By not telling others about the surgery, I don't have to put up with any of that. If they want to be supportive of my diet and weight loss, then they can do so. The surgery is my business and not a decision that I came upon without great thought and research. I do not feel I am deceiving anybody...it's my prerogative and legal right to keep my medical information private.

I completely agree. This has been one of my bigger issues to consider too. I couldn't have said it better than 1day so I won't try but I'll add that I don't want to be everyone's topic of conversation at work. I am a boss. I already have enough naysayers on any given day and I don't particularly want my success or failure to be their everyday lunch conversation - even if I have a great rapport with most of them. I've told a handful of very close friends who I knew would be supportive. People freely share their thoughts - too freely, I think. I think there is a tendency for normal weight people to be completely unaware of the struggle that obesity is. Not all, but some. I have spent months educating myself and planning for this. I don't need a "know-it-all" explaining how if I just exercise and eat right I'd be fine. While there is truth in that, we all know there is so much more to the story. I will say that I think good things can come out of others knowing - maybe it encourages or inspires someone else. But for today, this is all me. I don't need the judgements of others because God knows I'm hard enough on myself already. This community is a safe haven and I feel like I can find what I need here. Someday i might shout from a mountain top but not right now. I hope you don't let the decision weigh too heavy on you. You are well within your right to your privacy. Best of luck to all of us!

[CrazyJaney 775]

I'm glad I'm not the only one debating this topic in my head! I'm a high school teacher, and I'm looking at having the procedure done over Spring Break. I have told a few colleagues I am close to, but I feel adamant about not telling my students. Sometimes it just feels like a little too much information about their teacher. Also, if you think adults are bad with the filter, try 120 sixteen year olds!

I'll add "try 120 nurses" who are burned out and grumpy! Some days they can't say a kind word to their best friend at work! Being a teacher would be hard too - I'd be protective of my privacy too. Again, it might be different down the road....

[VSG AJH 499]

I've also chosen to be discreet about my surgery. I've told a very tiny number of close friends and my husband, but no one else (and only those because in case I needed some help with kids the first few days out or had complications). I'm almost 50 pounds down at 7 weeks out, and people are saying things like, "you look great!" One lady said I looked thinnish, and someone else commented that I was melting. Fortunately, I've been able to laugh it off and change the subject or deflect the attention in some other way, so I've been able to remain private without having to lie.

I'm eating regular foods again, just in smaller portions, but not such minuscule amounts that I'm drawing attention to myself. People have seen me carting around a 64oz. Water bottle and walking for exercise, so I'm sure many people just assume I'm dieting. I don't see any reason to correct them.

Eventually, I imagine I'll be more open with people, but not while I'm still working to figure my baby sleeve out. I don't need opinions and objections, nor do I want to be scrutinized. If you don't want your private business to be public knowledge, don't make it so. It is absolutely possible to avoid the topic without being dishonest.

Something I absolutely will not do is directly attribute my weight loss to anything besides the specific hard work I'm doing. I did answer one person's questions by saying something like, "I've made some big, drastic changes." Not specifics or details, but an entirely true statement. I will never try to profit from my WL or directly attribute it to anything else. For example, someone I know participated in a WL contest where she was given three months of free personal training, nutrition advice, etc. and she worked really hard and lost about 50 pounds. Now, though, she sells Advocare and implies that she lost weight strictly by using those supplements. Perhaps they were a part of a bigger plan, but so were the hours and hours of free training and bootcamps and nutritional counseling and diet monitoring and accountability that not everyone can afford. Her hawking some magic product on this side of the weight loss seems unbelievably dishonest. Don't be like that, but do feel free to mind your own business while encouraging everyone else to mind theirs. Best of luck to you!

[Ariella 73]

I didn't have an issue telling people at work, I knew I would have to and honestly, other than my partner they have been really the most supportive. My immediate family and 2 closest friends know. One of those friends really had an issue at first, she seems on board now but i worry the problem will come back later on and become an issue between us, even though I really consider her a sister. My Father knows and my grandfather knows (the latter only because he is the one generously funding it) and my future in laws . All have been great. I am however scared to tell the rest of my family and my Facebook friends. I kind of just feel like if I'm asked I'll tell, if not know one needs to know.

I am usually a very open person but I really dont wwant to deal with negativity from people, especially after my above mentioned friend freaked out on me

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

My husband is a very private person where I am an open book. We were both sleeved. He decided we would tell no one, including his 30 y/o son. I decided my daughter had to know, a niece who had wls,and a nurse friend. My husband has lost 50 lbs since 12/2 surgery. No one has noticed! Not his closest friends. We tell everyone we are on a life-changing diet, which is very true, or we would both be dead before long. I was uncomfortable not telling dear friends, but respect my husband's wish. It is not a problem. We go out with friends, we just do not drink and we eat lightly (our forever diet). When we talk to the 3 people who know, the topic is the weight, the food, the surgery, etc. etc. I would hate to know I had to discuss all this with more people. Let's face it, women can be snarky and love to spread the news. We are completely at ease with the truth, we are on a diet to change the direction our health was taking us. Good luck Benny and everyone, and Kindle, I loved your post. LOL!

Edited January 23, 2014 by LindafromFlorida

[Photo925 100]

I too debated whether I would tell people or not. I always knew that I would tell my parents and sister. My sister had the same surgery and I knew I would have their support because my sister had their support. From there I have mentioned it to people, and some have been positive and other negative. The people that are negative I just make a note and remember not to discuss it with them again. I have not had anyone in my life be overly against it, even the people that were more negative could at least respect that fact that they didn't know enough about the surgery to make negative comments and if they wanted to learn then I would teach them. The major thing that surprised me were the number of people that were very very supportive. People I never would suspect would be supportive of this are really excited for me. Both my cousin and best friend are two people that I really didn't know how they would react, but they also both know how hard I've struggled with this during my life so they are very supportive. My best friend is a personal trainer and if anyone is just going to tell you to get your butt moving, it is her, but she knows I'm past a certain point and is very supportive. That all being said, I haven't told my boss yet and he really just knows that I'm having a surgery at some point near Summer time...I'll probably tell him if the topic of be missing work for a bit comes up, but I don't really feel a need to hide it. Bottom line (I know im rambling a bit) is that you need to do what you are comfortable with. If you choose not to tell people you don't really have to look at it as a lie (unless they specifically ask you if you had WLS....which isn't too likely) but just say you are eating well and exercising...which you will be doing anyway!!

[inittothinit 145]

Lots of good replies on this thread. Thanks for that. I think after reading these posts, I will definately be "taking a right"

Lindafromflorida made a good point that of the 3 people she did tell, the WLS dominates the conversation when they talk. I don't want my WLS to be the topic du jour every time I am around the people whom I have shared the details with.

[typin56mom 4]

I have also given this much thought. I am still in the process of jumping through insurance hoops, but will have the surgery in April. Other than my hubby who is supportive, I will tell my adult children when I get the date. I have decided to tell only my sister who is a nurse and my supervisor to explain time off. Otherwise, my story is the one doctors recommend for weight loss...... Diet and exercise. It is nobody's business how or what I do. Let them surmise, I really don't care.