Keeping it a secret?

[Skinny_Jill 36]

So far, only my mom, sister, brother, 2 friends, 2 co-workers and my boss know. I think my mom told my aunts and that is okay with me. My boss knew I was having surgery but I didn't tell him what it was until today and he was great. I knew he would be but I was still afraid to tell him. I feel much better now that he knows.

I don't want others at work to know because I am afraid of the comments and my reaction. I am a very defensive person and it might get ugly.

[lindata 1]

Just my husband, mom, dad, best friend, and sisters-in-law, and mother-in-law, not even my own brother

[Coo 1]

Lady Trisha, try to pretend those work colleagues don't exist. What a bunch of *****s :cool:

I'm sorry you have had to suffer this, and how fabulous you have made the decision to change your life.

Good luck on your journey, and know this board is here for support, lots and lots of it

Hugs

[Arin 0]

Aside from my Mom, Aunt and Husband...I have told no one that I am even considering WLS. But last night I was at my hair salon and my hairdresser was talking about her husbands WLS and telling me that she was considering it. She was talking about it failry openly, and for some reason I felt comfortable enough to share with her that I was thining about it myself. Well, another hairdresser overheard and decided that I needed to hear her opinion. She told me I was way to young and that even though it is hard, I need to try on my own. Maybe when I am her age I can consider taking that path because by then I will know that it is my only option. I could not believe that someone whom I was not even talking to would feel that she needed to tell me anything. My response to her (she was aerage size by the way) was, If you were my age with teh health problems that I am facing, you might understand that I may not live to be your age without this surgery. It is my life and I will choose to live. But thank you for your opinion on the matter. I was SHOCKED though at what she said to me. I would not ever tell someone that even if I thought it. So I doubt I will tell others after that. It was really difficult for me to listen to. Thanks for sharing!!

[secretstolen 4]

When I was going through the pre-op stuff in October, I sat down with my closest friends (who are mostly co-workers) and told them about my decision. Everyone was pretty supportive.

I hadn't planned on telling my boss, but when my surgeon wouldn't bend on wanting me to take 2 weeks off, I had to discuss being off with her and when I danced around disclosing what for, she shared with me that she had had liposuction a couple years before and I felt comfortable enough to tell her. She was very sweet about it, even asking me to have a family member call me after my surgery to let her know that I was alright.

I also hadn't planned on telling family outside of my mom and my younger brother, but that plan went downhill when one of my mom's cousins' girlfriend came across my paperwork at her job working for my surgeon's billing company. She blabbed her mouth about it to family members back in November and I had to report the HIPAA violation and privacy act violation to the surgeon's office and her employer. She and my mother's cousin, her boyfriend, ran their mouths some more and threatened to take me to court to sue me for harassment for complaining to her employer. It didn't go anywhere, obviously, because the lawyer they talked to advised them that they broke federal laws, so they didn't have a leg to stand on. Triflin'.

comepickmeup: I know exactly what you're going through when you talk about your friend. I dated a guy last year for about 10 months and we've remained very close friends. We care a lot for each other, but we're too different which is why the relationship didn't work. He's very blunt and straight-forward with his opinions and that's the reason I chose not to tell him about my surgery. I figure that if it comes up, I'll address it then, but I chose not to make a statement and "come out" about it to him. He'd most likely take it as an opening to give me his opinion about it, and I'm not sure about how he feels about WLS.

As for dating, I was with a guy in a somewhat serious relationship when I started doing the pre-op stuff and I didn't tell him about it. It was a long distance relationship and although I mentioned some of my pre-op stuff, he never asked what it was for. It was a good decision on my part because our break-up was ugly and he threw a lot of things back in my face, so the fact that I didn't give him this as ammo was good.

[secretstolen 4]

Aside from my Mom, Aunt and Husband...I have told no one that I am even considering WLS. But last night I was at my hair salon and my hairdresser was talking about her husbands WLS and telling me that she was considering it. She was talking about it failry openly, and for some reason I felt comfortable enough to share with her that I was thining about it myself. Well, another hairdresser overheard and decided that I needed to hear her opinion. She told me I was way to young and that even though it is hard, I need to try on my own. Maybe when I am her age I can consider taking that path because by then I will know that it is my only option. I could not believe that someone whom I was not even talking to would feel that she needed to tell me anything. My response to her (she was aerage size by the way) was, If you were my age with teh health problems that I am facing, you might understand that I may not live to be your age without this surgery. It is my life and I will choose to live. But thank you for your opinion on the matter. I was SHOCKED though at what she said to me. I would not ever tell someone that even if I thought it. So I doubt I will tell others after that. It was really difficult for me to listen to. Thanks for sharing!!

That's awful that that happened to you.

The sad thing is that situations like that make us not want to share our personal experiences with WLS, and I'd like to think that by talking about it, it helps dismiss the stigma associated with it. Plus, you never know who else could be quietly wondering about it themselves and could consider your experience the inspiration to pursue it on their own, y'know? It sucks when closed-minded and judgmental people have to open their mouths and be mean.

[comepickmeup 0]

SecretStolen: Thanks so much for addressing my comment! I know others deal with this sort of stuff, but it's nice to hear a first hand account. My mom is encouraging me to tell my friend. ha. Her reasoning is that he is a close friend and since I don't live in the same state as my family, if I truly needed something, I'd know he'd be there to help so best to let him know what's up. She also throws in the fact that if the situation was reversed, I'd be hurt if he neglected to tell me that he was having a surgery. Which she's right about that one. I would want to know. I figure I've just made it a bigger deal in my head and he probably isn't going to have much to say about it one way or another. We're suppose to be going out tomorrow (well, actually tonight since it's 1am!) night. If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him then. If not, I've got until Jan 7th. heehee.

Congrats on just being banded!!! How are you feeling?! And that is TERRIBLE about the cousin's gf spilling the beans!! Confidentiality is in place for a reason. Some people are just morons. It's commendable that you reported it. I don't think a lot of people would go through the effort.

[secretstolen 4]

SecretStolen: Thanks so much for addressing my comment! I know others deal with this sort of stuff, but it's nice to hear a first hand account. My mom is encouraging me to tell my friend. ha. Her reasoning is that he is a close friend and since I don't live in the same state as my family, if I truly needed something, I'd know he'd be there to help so best to let him know what's up. She also throws in the fact that if the situation was reversed, I'd be hurt if he neglected to tell me that he was having a surgery. Which she's right about that one. I would want to know. I figure I've just made it a bigger deal in my head and he probably isn't going to have much to say about it one way or another. We're suppose to be going out tomorrow (well, actually tonight since it's 1am!) night. If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him then. If not, I've got until Jan 7th. heehee.

Congrats on just being banded!!! How are you feeling?! And that is TERRIBLE about the cousin's gf spilling the beans!! Confidentiality is in place for a reason. Some people are just morons. It's commendable that you reported it. I don't think a lot of people would go through the effort.

Hey, no problem! That's what we're all here for.

That's a very good point your mom makes. Like you, I'd be hurt if my friend didn't tell me he was having surgery. Maybe, in that case, it would be a good idea to just let him know. If he's anything like my friend - the type who doesn't sugar-coat anything and he's brutally honest - I'd tell him, "I am merely sharing this with you out of respect for our friendship, but I am not looking for you to persuade me out of it or address it as if it's a problem I need a solution for." My friend would probably go, "Okay, gotcha." And that'd be the end of it. So in that case, yeah, I think it's good that you feel comfortable enough to share it with him.

Hmm.. I feel pretty good! I won't lie - the day of surgery and up until about Sunday afternoon I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I've never had any health problems or any surgery before, so the whole experience totally drained me. For most of the week, I've felt pretty good. Still, I can understand why the doctors suggest that you take time off. I've taken short naps for most of the week. Tonight I met up with my best friend to go shopping and it was the first time she'd seen me since the day before surgery and first thing out of her mouth was, "You can already tell you're losing!" The day of surgery I was 246 and today I weighed in at 238 or 239.. so I think I'm doing pretty well. No cravings, no hunger. In fact, I'm having to force myself to drink the Protein Shakes and sip on Soups and broths because if I didn't, I'd spend the whole day sipping Water and diluted juices and not think twice. *lol*

As for the cousin's girlfriend.. I hate to say it, but she's a really hateful person and it didn't surprise me that she ran her mouth. However, she's been doing things like that to family members for years and no one's ever stood up and told her to knock it off. That's why I pursued reporting it, and of course, I got backlash from her, her boyfriend, and even some other family members because they felt I was stirring up trouble, but I felt it was the right thing to do. Even now, I'm glad I did it.

So your surgery's on 1/7? Are you getting excited? Have you started your pre-op diet yet?

[coolrn2000 2]

Kudos to you secretstolen, it takes a lot of guts to report hippa violations. I bet some people will be more careful discussing personal medical records.

Good Job and Good luck.

[shortgal 5]

I did not tell people BEFORE the surgery except my husband. Now that I've had the surgery, I am telling people as I see them.

I definitely didn;t want to be Star Jones either, but I totally relate to the being judged by the food police thing.

Most people I know do not understand the Lap Band. They know GBS people and I know they will wonder why the weight doesn't come off faster.

It was a struggle to decide, but now that ship has sailed, since I've told several people.

If I see someone later that I haven't seen in years and they tell me I look good, I'll probably just say thanks and not go into the whole story. But with people I see more often. They KNOW me, they know I couldn't lose the weight before, so they will know something is up. Just like the whole world knew Star Jones did something!

This is the hardest past of WLS! We have been judged our whole life and then we do this and we will still be judged.... for not losing fast enough, or losing too much, or eating too much, or not eating enough! Whatever Dude, as the kids say.

As long as I am happy with me, that's all I care about now. Be happy for me or don't. I don't care!

[KimInMD 1]

I was banded 20 months ago (size 26), and chose to tell very few people. After the first 50 pounds, everyone began to ask what diet I was using. My standard answer was "The My Daughter's Getting Married And I'm In The Pictures Diet." Everyone would chuckle, and empathize regardless of their size. It was a great way to deflect uncomfortable questions and turn their attention elsewhere. Well, the wedding was this past April. By then I was down 74 pounds (size 18). I was not yet at goal (I'm still not), but I was well on my way. In the past few weeks I have seen a number of people at Christmas parties that I had not seen since the wedding. I am now a size 12, and down 110 pounds. While I admit I HAVE received many nice complements, you would not believe the things others have said to me. I heard "Don't you dare lose any more weight, you're perfect right now." Huh? Isn't that for me and my doctor to decide? Two different people said "I thought you'd start to gain again after the wedding, but gee, you lost more". Wow, I think there's a compliment in there somewhere. One women watched me like a hawk at dinner last night to see what and how much I was eating. She even called to me from across the long banquet table to ask me what I was ordering for dinner. It was so uncomfortable. As I left the party, two said something along the lines of "you look great, now don't start gaining it back again!". Hmmm, don't lose weight. Don't gain weight. Everyone's got unsolicited advise and opinions for me whether I told them about my surgery or not. I don't think their comments were meant to be mean spirited. The fact is, some people just say what others may be thinking, but are afraid to say. I know now that some people who were supportive of my weight loss still expect that I will gain the weight back. My point is, deciding who to tell, and what to say or not say about your surgery is one of the decisions you have to make early on. But the truth is, in the end it doesn't really matter whether they know or not. Because of the dramatic changes in your weight, they WILL comment to you and about you, offering you their unsolicited advise and opinions.

I guess shortgal's comments are right

"We have been judged our whole life and then we do this and we will still be judged.... for not losing fast enough, or losing too much, or eating too much, or not eating enough!".

Sadly, sometimes this happens whether you have chosen to share your WLS journey with others or not.

[TulipStar 2]

KiminMd,

Congrats on your weight loss!! People are so rude!

I know how you feel. Two weeks before my lapband surgery a co-worker and I were sitting in a meeting. I guess she thinks she is my "friend" said to me out of the blue, "Look at so and so...they have lost so much weight, you can too." I told her not to worry about me, I had it under control (knowing I was going in for surgery in 2 month). She then continued to badger me saying, "You are just making up excuses". Well, I was so pissed right then, but I was in a situation where I couldn't get away from her. BTW, she is thin as a rail and has always had problems putting weight on.

Anyway, now it's almost 4 months after she said that and I have lost over 40lbs. I see her looking at me, but she doesn't say anything. I am sure that she thinks because of her "intervention" I finally decided to get control of my life. Please!

For some reason, people think it's ok to give you advice about your weight. They always have with me.

[BobbieDoll 3]

I have not been banded and am in my 5th month of the doctor supervised program, required by my insurance. In the past, I have always been somewhat of a "keep everything to myself" type person. I decided that I am going to tell my family, my neighbors, my friends and get involved with support groups. No more hiding. No more trying to do it on my own. I am coming out of the closet and starting a new life.

[Big As Life 0]

I Told Very Few People...now That The Weight Is Coming Off , People Are Starting To Ask...i Don't Lie To Those That Just Come Out And Ask Me...i Tell Them I Have Had Lapband...but Those That Say. You Are Sure Looking Good , I Just Say Thanks...

[destiny79 0]

I don't think I am keeping it a secret just don't want everyone inmy business people thank it's ok to comment on your life, and I don;t want all of the stupit question, I told my husband and a few coworker and 2 sister I want to surprise my mom, dad and other sister and brother they live out of state so will see them in 6 months