Relationships after the sleeve. Are you happy and in it to win it? Are you ready to leave/divorce your tormentor?

[buplee 556]

I am afraid I may end up on the leave the tormenter side. I would steak my life on the fact my hubby of 35 years has a paranoid personality disorder. By his calculations, I have had an affair with EVERY man I have ever met, including his own brother. I have never had an affair. BPD seem to improve with age, and as I gained and gained, he let up bit by bit until it wasn't a constant source of abuse anymore. However, once I got to my highest of 243, he lost total interest in me himself. Now that I lost most of the weight, its starting all over. I am seriously considering throwing in the towel. I can't keep changing myself into something that will make him happy, because nothing will ever make him happy.

That's really a shame when such a long term relationship unravels. How long would you say you've been in an unhappy? We get surgery to be healthier and hopefully to be around longer with our respective significant others. I don't understand why some can't see that and become insecure.

[buplee 556]

Unfortunately I am guessing this will be the case with me. A few years ago I was on a doctor supervised weight loss plan. I lost 76 lbs. While my husband "said" he was supportive, it wasn't long before he became critical of my body...saying I was "too skinny", my rear end was flat and that my breasts looked like pancakes. I didn't let it bother me because I felt great and was receiving compliments from everyone else. A few months ago, when I brought up the option of WLS (having gained all the weight back + interest) his exact words were "I'll do whatever I can to help you". For the most part, he has. He did pay for my surgery and handle everything with my daughter while I was in the hospital so I can't say that he hasn't been supportive at all, but he didn't stay with me at the hospital, he just dropped me off and picked me up. The day I was to be released he became irritated that my discharge was taking so long. He started complaining about how *he* was hungry. I went down to the nurses station and explained that he was pressuring me and fortunately they were understanding and put my chart on top so I could get out sooner. Since we've been home he has ordered Chinese food, pizza, and even asked me to prepare meals for him. This really irks me. It's not that I want the food, it just seems very inconsiderate. And then to mow the food down right in front of me. Last night I went into our spare room to workout. I wasn't in there five minutes before he came in asking me where something was. I saw red because in my mind I saw this as a deliberate sabotage attempt. I've decided to install a lock on the door so I won't be bothered. I probably shouldn't be sharing this, but he is 12 years my senior. He claims that as he has aged his testosterone levels have plummeted making him less interested in intimacy than ever before. This has been going on for a few years. He says it has nothing to do with me, or how I look or anything like that and that he loves me more now than ever, just that his desire is not there at all. I've asked him to seek medical help, which he has but he's got complaints about all of that too. He doesn't like the way the testosterone cream makes him feel, the Viagra speeds up his heart too much...and so on. There's always an excuse. I'm not blind and I'm not dead...I still have needs that aren't being met and I know from past experience that this is a slippery slope for marriages. It's unfortunate and I don't plan on leaving but I am very concerned that as the weight comes off attention from other men will become a problem. I'm more of an extrovert and will talk to anyone about anything - it's just who I am. I've decided that the only way to weather this storm is to try to be as reassuring and supportive towards him as I can be, and just try my best to respect his feelings without compromising who I am as a person. As far as the sabotage attempts I'm just going to chalk those up to his general lack of consideration and try not to take everything so personally. It is what it is. He has agreed to explore these issues in therapy, so that's good.

Thank you for sharing. It seems like he definite ideas and has no plans to change or even compromise. I'm happy that he gave you the financial support for your surgery, but it doesn't seem like you're getting the emotional part. I see that you have no plans to leave. Does that mean you are ready to settle and live in an unhappy marriage? It's just a question and not meant to be inflammatory. I do wish you and every couple with issues the best.

[rensterness 375]

Continuation from my post. Just wanted it to be know, prior to my surgery we had a VERY good relationship, very strong, committed, and we adored each other, it really was a great relationship.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Does your husband have a weight problem for him to be so insecure?

He is a bit overweight, which I believe is why he has suddenly gotten these insecurities. He is just about six foot weighing 240. It is what it? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

[shamps4all 28]

Unfortunately I am guessing this will be the case with me. A few years ago I was on a doctor supervised weight loss plan. I lost 76 lbs. While my husband "said" he was supportive, it wasn't long before he became critical of my body...saying I was "too skinny", my rear end was flat and that my breasts looked like pancakes. I didn't let it bother me because I felt great and was receiving compliments from everyone else. A few months ago, when I brought up the option of WLS (having gained all the weight back + interest) his exact words were "I'll do whatever I can to help you". For the most part, he has. He did pay for my surgery and handle everything with my daughter while I was in the hospital so I can't say that he hasn't been supportive at all, but he didn't stay with me at the hospital, he just dropped me off and picked me up. The day I was to be released he became irritated that my discharge was taking so long. He started complaining about how *he* was hungry. I went down to the nurses station and explained that he was pressuring me and fortunately they were understanding and put my chart on top so I could get out sooner. Since we've been home he has ordered Chinese food, pizza, and even asked me to prepare meals for him. This really irks me. It's not that I want the food, it just seems very inconsiderate. And then to mow the food down right in front of me. Last night I went into our spare room to workout. I wasn't in there five minutes before he came in asking me where something was. I saw red because in my mind I saw this as a deliberate sabotage attempt. I've decided to install a lock on the door so I won't be bothered. I probably shouldn't be sharing this, but he is 12 years my senior. He claims that as he has aged his testosterone levels have plummeted making him less interested in intimacy than ever before. This has been going on for a few years. He says it has nothing to do with me, or how I look or anything like that and that he loves me more now than ever, just that his desire is not there at all. I've asked him to seek medical help, which he has but he's got complaints about all of that too. He doesn't like the way the testosterone cream makes him feel, the Viagra speeds up his heart too much...and so on. There's always an excuse. I'm not blind and I'm not dead...I still have needs that aren't being met and I know from past experience that this is a slippery slope for marriages. It's unfortunate and I don't plan on leaving but I am very concerned that as the weight comes off attention from other men will become a problem. I'm more of an extrovert and will talk to anyone about anything - it's just who I am. I've decided that the only way to weather this storm is to try to be as reassuring and supportive towards him as I can be, and just try my best to respect his feelings without compromising who I am as a person. As far as the sabotage attempts I'm just going to chalk those up to his general lack of consideration and try not to take everything so personally. It is what it is. He has agreed to explore these issues in therapy, so that's good.

Thank you for sharing. It seems like he definite ideas and has no plans to change or even compromise. I'm happy that he gave you the financial support for your surgery, but it doesn't seem like you're getting the emotional part. I see that you have no plans to leave. Does that mean you are ready to settle and live in an unhappy marriage? It's just a question and not meant to be inflammatory. I do wish you and every couple with issues the best.

No offense taken...but yes, I guess for right now I'm not ready to make any drastic changes. We have a daughter together so its not just a matter of my own happiness. I have to think of her too. I don't want to be the one who extracts her father from her life for my own selfish reasons. I've put a lot of thought into this, read tons of books...and the bottom line is that when I add up the positives versus the negatives there are a lot more on the positives side than negative. So for now, this is just how it has to be. My husband *is* open to counseling, so before I make any definite decisions I will first exhaust every option. I wouldn't say its necessarily an "unhappy" marriage...I would lean more towards a "sexless" marriage and we all know there's a lot more to a marriage than sex. It only becomes an issue when there is less or none at all. But I am a traditional-type person. If or when it becomes something we both want out of, then fine. But for now, with Gods help, I will continue to fight the good fight and hang in there. This surgery qualifies as a major lifestyle change (in my book), kind of like a job change or a move...so its best if I just stay put until I've got more time under my belt with this new change. Its only been exactly one week today since my surgery. Who knows, maybe as a result of my changes he'll make some of his own and things will change. Maybe not, but anything is possible. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I prefer to think of myself as an incurable optimist.

Edited January 21, 2014 by shamps4all

[buplee 556]

I didn't know you were so recently sleeved, so there is time for him to come around. I wish you the best and hope the counseling helps.

[dlar57 29]

As I read these story , the abuse everyone been threw, you all need to put your self first. This is your life , if no one supports you and is negative. They need to go , no friend or family member to you, it took a long to to get your mine and soul where it is now, take care of yourself , in with new , out with the old, I wish all well keep up good work!

[Tiny One 223]

Been married going on 20 years. We both were pretty skinny when we met. We've had a good relationship pre- VSG, and it's even better now. Husband has been supportive from the beginning as he knew I needed to do something to get healthy. Things couldn't be better & we are both in it to win it.

[sophiepants 489]

At 5 months out I'd say my husband of 12 years can't get enough of me. I have to beat him off me sometimes. He had at one point expressed his concerns that I will leave him when I get skinny again. (Which is crazy I was skinny when we got together and married) He tells me he loves me no matter what.

Our relationship was stressed some before the surgery because of me always being unhappy with myself but has gotten right again since.

I know this is not the case all the time in most relationships but some are still happy and healthy. My doctor was the same way he told me about the divorce rate so we were aware.

I wish the best to all that are having or had a break due to the stress of this life change, I hope everyone finds a happy medium with it all Know you are more than strong for doing this for yourself!!!

[1Day1Life4Now 882]

Continuation from my post. Just wanted it to be know, prior to my surgery we had a VERY good relationship, very strong, committed, and we adored each other, it really was a great relationship.

I have found that some people have control issues and its easier for them to control those of us who have self esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy. Not all overweight people have these feelings but many of us do. The more weight we lose, the better we feel about ourselves and then we are so empowered, we feel we can do anything if we put our minds to it. The power-mongers don't like this and use abuse to put us back in our place. It doesn't matter if we're in a hetero or same sex relationship, the abusers are all the same. We must all recognize that the problem is actually their problem. We can either choose to stay and accept the abuse or pick ourselves up and move on to a better relationship. I have been fortunate in the fact that I have an awesome and wonderful husband who loves and supports me but I grew up with a step-father who was an abusive and violent drunk. At the age of 14 I decided to move on and live a healthier life. We can do whatever we need to do, its not ever easy but it is always do-able. I wish you all much luck.

[SuperFab 689]

I have found that some people have control issues and its easier for them to control those of us who have self esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy. Not all overweight people have these feelings but many of us do. The more weight we lose, the better we feel about ourselves and then we are so empowered, we feel we can do anything if we put our minds to it. The power-mongers don't like this and use abuse to put us back in our place. It doesn't matter if we're in a hetero or same sex relationship, the abusers are all the same. We must all recognize that the problem is actually their problem. We can either choose to stay and accept the abuse or pick ourselves up and move on to a better relationship. I have been fortunate in the fact that I have an awesome and wonderful husband who loves and supports me but I grew up with a step-father who was an abusive and violent drunk. At the age of 14 I decided to move on and live a healthier life. We can do whatever we need to do, its not ever easy but it is always do-able. I wish you all much luck.

literally couldn't have said it better

[mistysj 1,940]

I think our relationship is better now because I am not so depressed and self-conscious and self-absorbed! And also I have more confidence to speak my opinion and stand my ground. I felt like an unequal partner before and that was mostly my fault. I think it has been an adjustment for both of us. I don't have as many excuses to hide behind now either. And I am more likely to be stubborn and insist on what I want now, which adds another dynamic in. Before, I would defer to him more or give up on my opinion more. I also feel more like being in this relationship is not just something I am passively in, but something I am choosing to be in. I wouldn't have been able to articulate that before, but I think sometimes I did feel like I better just be thankful to be in a pretty good marriage and not to rock the boat. Now I know it is a good marriage and I deserve (and can work toward it being) a great one.

[Scylla 106]

My husband and I have been together for almost 23 years and will be married 20 years in August. I am in it to win it! We are happy and he and our kids are very supportive of my upcoming weight loss surgery. They love me unconditionally, but they are looking forward to me being able to join them in their favorite activities (playing tennis, bike riding, hiking, roller skating, ice skating, etc.) and not sitting on the sidelines or waiting on a picnic bench at a trailhead while they hike!

I think my new-found healthy habits are helpful to them, as well.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

My thoughts are this: Nothing will tell more than one person or both having WLS whether or not the relationship started with the best intentions or otherwise.

The truth will come out because having WLS and being SUCCESSFUL forces us to live our lives respecting the truth. Otherwise you are continuing to live in denial. Everything has to flow right or it will hinder our progress both mentally which flows into physically.

My relationship with my husband has survived and along our path I realized that I loved him unconditionally and he does the same. We needed to find out the hard way though. We are going on 19 years now.

Good luck! And Congrats on the many years! That's a rare find these days.

[juliansmommy 67]

I'm pre op and ready to be Vgs on 2/25... My husband and I dated 11 months and have been married for 13.5 yrs... He met me when I was 247... I got as high as 363... I am now down to 274.4.... 37 of those lbs came off since aug 2013 when I started this process. The other was over a 5 yr time span... He has seen pictures of me when I weighed 149... When I starred this process I told him I NEEDED him to be in this with me! I wasn't doing this for him or me but for my son so I'm here for him when he's older (he's 6). So hubby jumped on board and has lost 60! Since aug... Thinner then when we were married. I know we r in it to win it. We have talked about everything we r looking forward to doing this summer with our son that we have not been able to do. My husband has never been the jealous type. Ever. He does like to control the money ... Which in the over all picture is not a bad thing. So I just wanted to say that my hubby has been so supportive of everything. He does think I can do it by myself without surgery since I've done so well so far. But we know how that goes. He will be home with my son during my hospital stay and while I'm recovering at my parents... He is very sensitive and I don't want him to be worried!! Best of luck to all!! Xoxo

[buplee 556]

I love hearing about all the couples that are happy and are weathering the storm. It's a shame that some of us can't get the support of the person we love and to whom we have committed our respective lives.