Relationships after the sleeve. Are you happy and in it to win it? Are you ready to leave/divorce your tormentor?

[buplee 556]

I was reading a post by a person who stated that her husband is angry, abusive, and unsupportive with her after surgery. I read it to my wife who wondered if this is a common occurrence for couples after surgery. I know another couple who is having serious issues since the wife was sleeved and has gone through a transformation. Does anyone feel like they settled because of their appearance or lack of self esteem and will make a relationship change?

Please sound about your happy or unhappy post-op relationship. My wife and I have been together 30 wonderful years and she loves the new me, so we are in it to win it.

[1Day1Life4Now 882]

I am still pre-surgery but I can tell you I'm in it to win it. I've been married 35 years and my husband is very supportive of me in this Quest for better health and a thinner me. We didn't settle, we were both young and thin when we got married but life has a way of changing people. We both have weight issues and my husband has serious health issues. I am hoping he will change his eating habits along with me as we journey through this. Anyway, I'm definitely in my relationship till the end.

[buplee 556]

I'm glad to hear that. It is always sad to us when couples are supportive sand can't work with each other. I've heard of so many couples have have had issues pre-op that got worse post-op.

[shamps4all 28]

I'm glad to hear that. It is always sad to us when couples are supportive sand can't work with each other. I've heard of so many couples have have had issues pre-op that got worse post-op.

Unfortunately I am guessing this will be the case with me. A few years ago I was on a doctor supervised weight loss plan. I lost 76 lbs. While my husband "said" he was supportive, it wasn't long before he became critical of my body...saying I was "too skinny", my rear end was flat and that my breasts looked like pancakes. I didn't let it bother me because I felt great and was receiving compliments from everyone else.

A few months ago, when I brought up the option of WLS (having gained all the weight back + interest) his exact words were "I'll do whatever I can to help you". For the most part, he has. He did pay for my surgery and handle everything with my daughter while I was in the hospital so I can't say that he hasn't been supportive at all, but he didn't stay with me at the hospital, he just dropped me off and picked me up. The day I was to be released he became irritated that my discharge was taking so long. He started complaining about how *he* was hungry. I went down to the nurses station and explained that he was pressuring me and fortunately they were understanding and put my chart on top so I could get out sooner.

Since we've been home he has ordered Chinese food, pizza, and even asked me to prepare meals for him. This really irks me. It's not that I want the food, it just seems very inconsiderate. And then to mow the food down right in front of me.

Last night I went into our spare room to workout. I wasn't in there five minutes before he came in asking me where something was. I saw red because in my mind I saw this as a deliberate sabotage attempt. I've decided to install a lock on the door so I won't be bothered.

I probably shouldn't be sharing this, but he is 12 years my senior. He claims that as he has aged his testosterone levels have plummeted making him less interested in intimacy than ever before. This has been going on for a few years. He says it has nothing to do with me, or how I look or anything like that and that he loves me more now than ever, just that his desire is not there at all. I've asked him to seek medical help, which he has but he's got complaints about all of that too. He doesn't like the way the testosterone cream makes him feel, the Viagra speeds up his heart too much...and so on. There's always an excuse.

I'm not blind and I'm not dead...I still have needs that aren't being met and I know from past experience that this is a slippery slope for marriages. It's unfortunate and I don't plan on leaving but I am very concerned that as the weight comes off attention from other men will become a problem. I'm more of an extrovert and will talk to anyone about anything - it's just who I am. I've decided that the only way to weather this storm is to try to be as reassuring and supportive towards him as I can be, and just try my best to respect his feelings without compromising who I am as a person. As far as the sabotage attempts I'm just going to chalk those up to his general lack of consideration and try not to take everything so personally. It is what it is. He has agreed to explore these issues in therapy, so that's good.

[Mrs.RRn 2,111]

During my 1st appointment my Doc asked, "do you know what the #1 complication associated with this surgery is?" And being such a good little nurse, I'm like, "uh, yeah. Blood clots." Duh. He says, "no, it's divorce"

WOW. Didn't expect him to say that.

And no. I don't feel like I settled. My husband is amazing. But this does introduce a whole new set of problems to work through.

[Teachamy 1,042]

So thankful for my wonderful guy. We've been married for 12 years this July, together for 16 years. He wants to see me healthy and has been very, very, very supportive. Feeling really sad for those in marital trouble.

[beba238 123]

Pre-vsg i read alot of stories. I went into this surgery knowing that if the bf of 6 years did not support or approve he can go to you know where. Of course easier said than done but I was prepared.

I am 10 months post-op and down 65lbs. My bf has been the same person he was before i got vsg.

I believe the only difference is that in the beginning he started to think i was going to leave him once i started to lose weight and look/feel more attractive. Now he's just like "okay babe stop losing now plz. I need you to keep some meat for me to hold on to." lol

Before surgery i sometimes felt like maybe i settled because of my weight but honestly i feel so attractive to him now more than ever.. The fact that i am more confident and don't feel threatened by other girls makes me feel so good.

Personally, if you start seeing a change in your partner than its time to have a talk. Sometimes it might be self-confidence issues or low self esteem in which a heart to heart is needed or maybe your partner is just an a-hole and you never realized it until now. My best advice for anyone who is going through a difficult time with an un-supportive partner is to remember that your doing this or did this for YOU. My motto is don't just lose the fat... lose everything negative around you as well.

Hope my words helped. Good luck everyone!

[Sweet_Mia 61]

Hello,

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married 12 so all together we've been together a total of 18 years. Anyway I had my surgery July 30, 2013 and I am very happy, my husband is too. He sees and knows the difference in me, I'm the same person but I'm just a lil lighter. Well I thinking as for me I did this for myself, health, and kids. In the end the only thing that should matter is what makes you happy. I hope everything goes well for everyone. Take care.

DOS 232

CW 160

Edited January 21, 2014 by Sweet_Mia

[SuperFab 689]

During my 1st appointment my Doc asked, "do you know what the #1 complication associated with this surgery is?" And being such a good little nurse, I'm like, "uh, yeah. Blood clots." Duh. He says, "no, it's divorce" WOW. Didn't expect him to say that. And no. I don't feel like I settled. My husband is amazing. But this does introduce a whole new set of problems to work through.

Wow! What an eye opener

[ldoyle 8]

I am afraid I may end up on the leave the tormenter side. I would steak my life on the fact my hubby of 35 years has a paranoid personality disorder. By his calculations, I have had an affair with EVERY man I have ever met, including his own brother. I have never had an affair. BPD seem to improve with age, and as I gained and gained, he let up bit by bit until it wasn't a constant source of abuse anymore. However, once I got to my highest of 243, he lost total interest in me himself. Now that I lost most of the weight, its starting all over. I am seriously considering throwing in the towel. I can't keep changing myself into something that will make him happy, because nothing will ever make him happy.

[rensterness 375]

Sadly, this is the case with me. I was sleeved three and a half months ago, and down 90 pounds from surgery, and 20 from preop diet, so just about 110 down. I am a gay male, legally married in New York. My husband has very much changed. There is a lot of jealousy, self consciousness and insecurities on his end and so forth since surgery. I have under gone some pretty verbally abusive comments that have hurt like h#ll. Going into the surgery I knew the risk of this happening and I chose my health which to me is my number one priority. Knowing that the decision I made will most likely end up with a divorce on my end, I still have no regrets. I did it for the right reasons, my health, and my future. I have no regrets besides not doing it sooner. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger :-) Hope this helps :-)

[lsereno 2,525]

I've gotta say, I think the surgery brings pre-existing issues out. If you've got a good relationship going in, surgery won't change that. My hubby and I have been together 33 years. We've both changed a bit post-op, but we e changed as the years have gone by anyway. But the things we love about each other do not really change.

Of course, it's just my opinion.

Lynda

[Kiap82 239]

I was dating someone I had know for eight years but only dated in and off casually. As my sleeve date approached we became closer. He was really there for me making me feel good about my decision and promising to purée food for me after.

I flew out of state for my surgery and when I got back everything changed. He didn't want to talk as much, he never wanted to see me, and was totally distant. Here I was days out from major surgery and it's like I had the plague.

In the end he ended up picking a huge fight with me for no reason and I said goodbye. I have settled for sooooo long and it's time to start looking for someone who will be there no matter what.

[rensterness 375]

Continuation from my post. Just wanted it to be know, prior to my surgery we had a VERY good relationship, very strong, committed, and we adored each other, it really was a great relationship.

[buplee 556]

Continuation from my post. Just wanted it to be know, prior to my surgery we had a VERY good relationship, very strong, committed, and we adored each other, it really was a great relationship.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Does your husband have a weight problem for him to be so insecure?