Jealous ? Resentful ? Spouse just stunned the HELL out of me !

[LizInTexas 125]

Not really even sure how to put this because I've never been the whiny type, but while out to dinner on our 16th anniversary (1/17, and he didn't even remember until the day before when I reminded him), from out of the clear blue my spouse tells me that I need to stop talking about my weight loss and when someone asks me how much I've lost I just need to tell them how much better I feel instead of telling them how much I've lost. I've been very open with friends and family, it absolutely was not a secret. Now, he, on the other hand has gained about 30 pounds since my surgery (for which I was blamed... he gained weight because I put too much food on his plate !) I'm wearing HIS jeans now. The ones he can't wear anymore because they're too small. I've gone from a size 26W to a 12 (jeans are 32 inch waist) and now it feels like I'm being told that I should shut my mouth and stop being proud of MY accomplishment because he's tired of hearing it. I've always stated how much better I feel in my conversations with friends, even after the first 20 pounds were gone. Funny, but he's never heard me say it according to him. I was so stunned and hurt I couldn't even eat my "dinner". Not one bite would go down because my stomach was in such a knot and I had such a lump in my throat. He, on the other hand, was steadily tossing back top shelf margaritas and snarfing his food down like usual. I just sat there in stunned silence trying my best not to bust out crying in the restaurant because of what I was hearing. I'm still at a total loss as to how I should feel or respond. He told me for years that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Now that I'm not huge anymore, he tells me what I should and shouldn't wear, that I shouldn't wear my shirts tucked in, or wear anything tailored because my gut still sticks out and it looks like crap. My friends and other family couldn't be more complimentary about how I look and I think I look great as well. He also told me that I've changed, and not for the better. So, now that I actually have some self esteem and self confidence it's a bad thing ??? I just keep thinking "how is this possible" ? Any CONSTRUCTIVE input, feedback, advice, experience, etc... would be MOST appreciated. I'm just truly devastated and heartbroken. 16 years together and he didn't even get me a card, not even after a gentle reminder, which I shouldn't have to do anyway IMHO.

[Mrs.RRn 2,111]

B. S. !!!!

YOU be happy for YOU. And don't be afraid to share your joy!!

[Thick'n'Thin 171]

This is very sad, I'm sorry. Initial impression: your husband sounds emotionally abusive and insecure. To speak to you the way he does is terrible. I wonder if he is afraid to lose you now that your self esteem is higher, you are more attractive, and it sounds like he hasn't been treating you well. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You do not deserve to be spoken to the way he speaks to you.

[JeanZ_RN 378]

Congratulations on your terrific weight loss!

Sounds like HE is the one who is insecure, and he's lashing out, big time!

He told you for years that he was embarrassed to be seen with you?? That is NOT how a loving spouse acts! And now he's telling you what to wear and what not to wear? That is very controlling - not a good sign. And he's blaming YOU for HIS weight gain?? Tell him he can cook for himself from now on, or at the very least he can serve his own plate. Do NOT take his sh*&!!

Please start going to counseling imMEdiately. My guess is he will refuse to go, but please don't let that stop you.

[1Day1Life4Now 882]

Hi Liz. Congratulations on your victory to a healthier you. Well done. As for the hubby... you do realize that this is verbal and psychological abuse, don't you? What ever the reasons, you do not deserve this. This is his problem... stemmed from lack of self confidence or fear that he'll lose you but either way you need to call him on it and ask what is bothering him so it can be addressed. Maybe he just needs to be reminded that you love him and you're not going anywhere. I'm sorry that he can't be happy for you and that he finds any reason he can to criticize you. Keep on with your diet plan, don't let anyone detract you from your goal. Maybe you could talk your husband in to some couples counseling...and if not, try to go yourself so you can learn to deal with the hubbies issues without getting yourself off track. Sending you hugs.

[roundisashape 712]

Liz, I'm sorry. The only thing I can say is that now that you've gotten to the point where you're recognizing that what he says isn't right, it might be worth really taking some time to yourself or with a counselor to decide if what you're getting out of your marriage is worth the negativity. I wish you the best.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Wowwwww! This is mental abuse. Has he always been this verbally abusive. I highly recommend some Marriage Counseling. Keep talking about your weight loss and when he saids something, tell him you are very proud of your accomplisents and would appreciate it if he would take better care of himself. He will probably get angry but will get over it. You don't need this abuse, no one does.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

This is almost verbatim what the husband of a friend recently did, and you know what happened next? He punched her in the eye, with all his force. You will stay in this relationship until you have hit your personal rock bottom, but this kind of behavior - it doesn't get better. Get out, and get out now.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Look up The Cycle of Abuse. I am a survivor of domestic violence and escaped from a psyco-sociopath in the middle of the night with the help of workmates and the angels from the local womens' shelter (who had been advising me to not leave when he was home.)

Verbal and emotional abuse never go away. They ALWAYS escalate into physical violence. So even if he hasn't hit you (yet) abuse is abuse is abuse. One thing I learned in counseling at the shelter is that we get so used to abuse, that we begin to abuse ourselves.....not taking care of ourselves, perpetuating his isolation by isolating ourselves from family and friends...he follows you to work, or insists on driving you and picking you up even though you can drive yourself.

The thing that makes me hurt for you the most is that humiliating you at home has become humiliating you in public. My mean old rotten 2nd ex husband, told me one time in a crowded Subway restaurant, "I am sick and tired of looking at your ugly face." When I cried, he said I embarrassed him in public.

Another example is that one time after I had lost 50 pounds, he told me, "Every time you lose weight, you get jowls." He insisted that he pick out my clothes, even shoes and socks, from the mens' department because they were cheaper. Any time he did buy me something, I would not use it, because in a few days he would take it back so that he could buy cigarettes. He told me I would be more fun if I drank more.

Nothing EVER was his fault. He said I always made him mad, when in reality he chose to be mad at everything. He thrived on conflict.

So, if he has never hit you, think about this.....has he thrown things at you or near you....an ashtray, a telephone, a camping lantern (cracked my ankle). Has he tried to prevent you from getting medical help or minimized your symptoms, feelings, or opinions????

One day one of his 27 cats got up on a high kitchen cabinet and I climbed up on a ladder to get her down. He started yelling at me and I asked him calmly to please not raise his voice at me. He said, "I wish I could beat the Goddam

s>>t out of you." This was coming from a man who kept five loaded guns in the house. One time he even shot at a car who passed him on the highway late at night (when he was driving me home from work).

Oh, it gets worse...the last straw....we were in the car and I was talking to his daughter on the cell phone. He did not like something in the conversation and smacked me hard in the harm with his elbow. I asked him to stop the car and let me get out. So he started driving more aggressively and would not let me out of the car. The bruise on my upper arm was a big as a 7 ounce steak,

Fast forward to the restraint hearing. The county paid for the divorce because it was domestic violence. The judge put him in his place and told him that if he did not shut up he would be charged with domestic battery, terroristic threats of a specific nature, kidnapping, and unlawful restraint.

There clearly is much more than I can share here, but I am saying all that to say this: If any of this sounds familiar, you need to decide how to leave. And I am guessing that if you tell him you want a divorce, he will be all sorry, and make you prove to him that you still love him. If nothing else, get some input from the angels at the women's shelter who deal with this all the time.

If I had fallen for that tactic and gone back, all the advantage would have been to him. He would have had his cook and laundry wench and second income, and I would have had my beautiful prison ten miles out in the country 1/2 mile down a gravel road, in-between the corn and Beans.

The situation as you described is not healthy for you in any way. NO ONE deserves to be abused. You have come a long way, so keep on going and don't look back.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I recognize so much of this, from my childhood .... I grew up learning how to be my worst abuser ...

[Miss Mac 6,262]

For anyone who needs to talk to someone about possible or threatening domestic violence, this is the message from The National Domestic Violence Hotline website: http://www.thehotline.org/help/ There is no disgrace in asking for help.

Our advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in over 170 languages. All calls are confidential and anonymous.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I read your story over several times and was at a loss for words and how my heart aches for you in this situation. I was gob smacked...

As I read the replies of Miss Mac I realized there is nothing else to say...she is right on and knows from experience how things can go once they start and how quickly they escalate into a life or death situation....

As a child I witnessed that type of conduct from both my parents and life or death hung in the balance for all of us....

Take Miss Mac's advise look for help and act on it.....

My heart aches for you!!!!!!!

[Comfy_Blue 285]

I agree with the other posters. I know you love your husband and he probably doesn't act like this all the time and when he's being "good" to you, those times are great, but the times he is being bad to you (like at dinner) are awful. He sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. I don't know your entire situation or you personally, but i have been through this before with my now ex fiancé.

When i became a teacher, I was so proud of myself and when my first check came in the mail, i jokingly said to him "I'm rich!" (Now keep in mind this was a HUGE accomplishment for me because i had had a very hard time finding a job and was unemployed for almost a year and had to depend on "hand outs" from him, which I realize now he enjoyed because it made me beneath him in his mind and gave him control over me)

He immediately laid into me saying i was "only" a teacher and at the bottom if the pay scale compared to other professions and i wouldn't feel so rich in ten years or so when he and everyone else not in my profession were making double or even triple my salary. Then he started dissecting my check and said "by the time you pay a, b, c, d and e, you're not going to have ANY thing left" and laughed nastily.

Like you, i was hurt and tried not to cry. When I came back later to speak to him about it, he got defensive and said i "just wanted something to be upset about" and he wasn't going to apologize for "telling me like it is".

Hence why he is my ex.

I would highly recommend you guys seek counseling to see if you can salvage your relationship.

Edited January 20, 2014 by Comfy_Blue

[lsereno 2,525]

If you can't do it for yourself, think of what you would tell your best friend if they were in this situation or one of your daughters. Then do that for yourself. You are worth it.

Lynda

[HHHappy 225]

It sounds to me like he doesn't want you to tell how much you've lost because he doesn't want people knowing how "big" you were! It goes along with him being embarrassed by you! OH MY that is just so very hurtful. I'm so sorry. My first husband told me (after we were married a few weeks) that I sounded like an elephant walking across the room. I still feel that stab of pain. For awhile, I tiptoed... then I left him. I hope you can reach deep within yourself and either talk him into counseling (doubt he'll do it) or leave. Hugs to you!!! You deserve so much more.