female only Self image, anger, & resentment

[Corridor72 518]

OK, let me just start by saying, this may be TMI for some of you but I really just need to get this off my chest.

Anyway, what has caught me by surprise with this surgery is that I’m having some self-image issues. I’ve always had self-image issues as an overweight individual but I assumed that as I lost weight, I would feel better about myself. And I do. In some ways. Maybe it’s not a self-image issue at all. Maybe it’s just anger and resentment? Perhaps it's a mix. I don’t know. The problem is this. DH had reached a point where he was no longer interested in being intimate with me at all prior to my weight loss. Now he’s enjoying my weight loss. He keeps telling me how I look like the person he married and how hot and sexy I am. He’s constantly trying to get me to have sex with him. He's always "grabbing and pawing" at me. He keeps me up at night arguing about whether we're going to have sex or whether I'm going to sleep. He wakes me up in the morning way before I need to be up just because he wants to have sex. Why is that a problem? Because it pisses me off. His disrupting my sleep and I'm not a morning person and I don't like when people screw with my sleep schedule anyway. I am paranoid about having him see me naked. I don't like how I look right now. I'm um, well....I've always been "well endowed" and never had any issues with sagging. Now that I've lost quite a bit of weight, the girls are looking all sad and droopy and deflated and quite honestly, it really bothers me. It makes me mad that he’s all interested in sex now and he wasn’t before I started losing weight. If he loved me so much, he should’ve wanted to be with me then, right? And if he didn’t want me then, why should he have me now? If I wasn’t good enough then, I’m certainly not good enough now. And now he’s acting all jealous all the time. He thinks every man out there is looking at me and makes all sorts of comments about how they better not be looking at his woman, as if I’m property. And I don’t like it. And I’m not even sure how to deal with it. I mean sure, I’m glad he likes what he sees but then, it makes me angry that my appearance seems to be more important to him than who I am on the inside. I don’t know...I suppose it’s just part of the process but I’m not sure how to deal with him right now. And maybe he just doesn’t know how to deal with the new me? Heck, I don’t even know how to deal with the new me.......

[cheryl2586 3,053]

My dear I don't know how old you are but let me give you some words from a very wise woman. Any one in your life that thinks you are unworthy of their love because you are over weight is surely not worthy of your love once you lose weight. People do not change because they lose weight and you are still the same person you were how ever many pounds you have lost. I for one would not put up with that nonsense for one minute. If he didn't want to be intimate with you when you were fat then why now. It's no different then it was then. I don't care if you are woman or man but if anyone's mate only shows interest when you start losing weight, doesn't deserve to have one minute of your attention. I refuse to be with anyone that determines how they treat me by the way I look. You need to rethink your marriage and decide if you want to continue on staying with someone that is as selfish as he is. He wouldn't be waking me up either if I didn't want to get up. You need to do a 360 on him and put your foot down and this is how it's going to be or don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. Hell no now I am pissed off that you have to deal with that. I once in my life had a selfish man like that and I think our relationship lasted about two weeks. I don't do selfish now, then or ever.

[terrydumont46 1,954]

i've been married 28 years. my husband married me when i was thin, he watched me go up and down and than up up up. while i was up i didn't like to be intimate. i didn't want him to see or feel my fat. he left me alone. yes we still kissed and held each other and never doubted our love for each other. the other morning my husband asked me if i shaved my legs. i was quickly trying to add up what i did wrong shaving my legs. i couldn't come up with anything so i just told him yes i did. with the cutest smile he said my leg looked so smooth and nice hanging out of the bed covers. he hasn't said anything like that for years. i think it is foreplay for when the time is right for me. and he will wait for me. and he can say all the cute things he wants to. this said your guy needs to back off for the moment. your brain needs to catch up to your ever changing body. but he is noticing the new you. be happy that he is noticing. just explain to him that you need some more time. back the hell off for right now. say it with love.

[gowalking 10,790]

You hit the nail on the head when you said both of you were struggling with your 'new' body. I struggle as well though not with a husband around. I think when anyone changes their appearance drastically, it has to f**k with your head. And yes...I look much better in clothes than not so that's also confusing me..and would surely give me intimacy issues if I had a partner.

I've actually started to see a professional to deal with this issue. I don't know that you want to or can do the same, but please consider it for you and the hubby. I bet he's as confused as to how to react as you are.

I can so identify with you on the body image issue right now and I do wish you the best of luck.

[Sherlock1969 231]

My husband never stopped 'chasing me around the kitchen table,' sex has never been lacking. That said, he tells me much more often now that I am 'hot' and chases me a bit more. At first it was nice. Then it pissed me off. I thought, 'he is being SO much nicer to me now that I am losing weight.' I wondered was it purely physical with him behaving this way; b/c men ARE physical creatures. But I have also figured out his reaction to me has changed for more than just THAT reason. I am taking better care of myself; my appearance, clothes, make up, jewelery..MY attitude has changed, ie I am happier and putting off a more positive vibe therefore triggering his overtures. And lastly, I believe he is so happy and relieved that I am healthier (diabetes meds reduced from 2 oral meds and 6-7 shots a day to 1 oral med and 1 shot a day) that in general his mood is lighter and more playful concerning me. As we all know, or figure out, losing this much weight, is NOT just physical it is a mind game as well.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

Sex is exercise remember. You can sleep when you are dead. Men are like little boys in a candy shop sometimes. If you love him, really, really love him, relax and try to enjoy the newfound intimacy. Or have a talk with him and set boundaries. Your rules. Congratulations on your weight loss. Most of us have saggy boobies, our men don't care LOL!

[Corridor72 518]

Thanks everyone for all of the wonderful replies. I enjoyed reading them all and each of you offered some insight into what I deserve, what he may be thinking and you also offered some good advice and I appreciate it.

He's been gone for work for a few days so I haven't seen him much since I posted this but I've talked to him quite a bit. He said something yesterday that made me uncomfortable and I finally decided it was time we have a talk. I basically just told him the same things that I wrote in the original post here and told him that he's just going to have to back off and give me some time and space to figure things out. He said he just wanted me to know how pretty I am and how proud he is and that's why he's been acting that way. I don't know. I'm not sure I believe that is the entire reason for his behavior but, whatever the case may be, he is going to have to put the brakes on it for awhile. I told him that he's trying to rush things and that he needs to slow down and just let things happen in their own time. He didn't react in anger the way I expected him to so hopefully this gives him something to think about and will bring about a change in his behavior.

[Lady VS 1,147]

Glad to hear that. Hope you guys work out and congratulations on your weight loss.

[KAATNS 1,473]

I know all about the resentment issue. My ex recently told me that he hadn't noticed that I lost 50 pounds and hadn't touched me in years before that. Sounds like your hubby is noticing and it has probably lit a new fire under his butt. Good for him, but I understand your resentment. Take your time and work on yourself first. Hope your outcome is better than mine was. Keep up the great work.

[Beach Lover 1,084]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years and started dating him when I was 14 years old. Now this man has known me for more of my life than not. He has seen every up and down the scale I have ever done. He has always loved me for who I am irregardless of my size. Size has never stopped him from wanting sex and he has always loved me no matter how big I was. With that said after I started losing weight he stepped up his touchy huggy ways! I took this in a positive way from him. His attention was that of a man that was appreciating the new me and happy for the healthy person that I had become. I don't know your relationship and would never advice you on how to handle your man but based onall the threads I have read on this topic and my own experience I would say he is reacting pretty much the same way most of our men have done. You might have other issues to deal with we don't know but this reaction of his isn't uncommon so hang in there!! Mine actually drove me nuts and I say that with exasperation and a smile because I know I do look better and he was affirming it. Good luck to you and your husband!!

[rosettag 122]

When I was fat I didn't like myself. I knew I had a lot of good qualities, but, if I had been a man, I wouldn't have been sexually attracted to a woman like me.

Love and sex don't always go together. It is nobody's fault.Just something that happens.

I'm glad you've started talking with your husband about the recent changes.

You might come to understand each other's reasons.

Congrats on your weight loss!

[farmgirl04 231]

Wow! I came on blow off steam about my husband and found this thread! I could have written it myself, only I'll add that my husband is grossly overweight himself, which adds a whole new dimension to our issues. Sex was at best difficult, uncomfortable, and not to thrilling (sorry to say). After 30 years of marriage, 3 kids, daily issues, and menopause sex is quite frankly the last thing I'm interested in. I resent the constant grabbing, and complaining (and name calling). Tonight really took the cake. I have to say that when I started this journey I tried to get him to join me. When he wouldn't I said that was fine, but it wasn't going to hold me back. I have gone on to lose almost 105 pounds. I want to lose another 10 pounds even though I am well within normal range for my height. I'm in size 4-6. I am still working hard, using myfitnesspal, getting regular exercise, the whole works. I anticipate that routine for life. Here is the kicker. Tonight he commented on how I did it the easy way, how he won't do it anyway but naturally! He is angry because he bought a bottle of wine even though I'd said that I didn't want any, and after entering my food for the day I continued to say I didn't want any! We have had our ups and downs over the years but I'll be honest and say that this is the worst. Am I partly to blame? Yes. But only because I am deliberately not allowing myself to be sabotaged by him. He didn't like me fat, and now he resents me being thin. I guess only time will tell!

[HealthyNewMe 1,935]

I feel bad reading this from y'all. So much extra crap to deal with when your attention is trying to be on your journey to a healthy new self. If nothing else, this just reaffirmed to me how supportive my husband has been..... Through thick and thin (so to speak). Best wishes to all dealing with sabotaging and unsupportive spouses.

[Corridor72 518]

When I was fat I didn't like myself. I knew I had a lot of good qualities, but, if I had been a man, I wouldn't have been sexually attracted to a woman like me.

Love and sex don't always go together. It is nobody's fault.Just something that happens.

I'm glad you've started talking with your husband about the recent changes.

You might come to understand each other's reasons.

Congrats on your weight loss!

But ya know what? I have never treated him any different because of his weight. I have always enjoyed sex with him because I am attracted to the person he is on the inside. The attraction doesn't have to be purely physical. That's what upsets me is that, 60+ lbs ago, he never wanted to have sex and didn't pay much attention to me and now, all of a sudden, he won't leave me alone. If he didn't love me enough then, why should I have sex with him now? We've talked about things and things have gotten better but it's because I finally convinced him to back off and give me some time and space to adjust to the new me before he starts pushing so much for what HE wants. Quite frankly, it really bothers me that my weight has made that much of a difference in his attitude toward me. I'm still the same person. Period.

[Corridor72 518]

Wow! I came on blow off steam about my husband and found this thread! I could have written it myself, only I'll add that my husband is grossly overweight himself, which adds a whole new dimension to our issues. Sex was at best difficult, uncomfortable, and not to thrilling (sorry to say). After 30 years of marriage, 3 kids, daily issues, and menopause sex is quite frankly the last thing I'm interested in. I resent the constant grabbing, and complaining (and name calling). Tonight really took the cake. I have to say that when I started this journey I tried to get him to join me. When he wouldn't I said that was fine, but it wasn't going to hold me back. I have gone on to lose almost 105 pounds. I want to lose another 10 pounds even though I am well within normal range for my height. I'm in size 4-6. I am still working hard, using myfitnesspal, getting regular exercise, the whole works. I anticipate that routine for life. Here is the kicker. Tonight he commented on how I did it the easy way, how he won't do it anyway but naturally! He is angry because he bought a bottle of wine even though I'd said that I didn't want any, and after entering my food for the day I continued to say I didn't want any! We have had our ups and downs over the years but I'll be honest and say that this is the worst. Am I partly to blame? Yes. But only because I am deliberately not allowing myself to be sabotaged by him. He didn't like me fat, and now he resents me being thin. I guess only time will tell!

Geez, are we married to the same man? Mine is the same way. My husband weighs well over 400 lbs. The weight does make sex difficult so I'm sure that's a big part of why he lost interest in it until now and suddenly, now that I'm losing weight and looking more like my old self, he has been in constant pursuit of sex. I've come to the conclusion that I think a lot of it is jealousy. He tells me he doesn't like it when other men look at me and he's constantly telling me how he noticed some dude checking me out. I'm like "really? Because I didn't notice" and I don't notice it. I also think he's jealous and insecure because we started this whole thing together. The difference is that his efforts stopped at attending the seminar. He didn't go any further through the process and he blames me for that because he says I should've made his appointments when i made my own. So I went through the process and was banded in December and he has the entire process to go through. AND our insurance has changed so it's going to be more difficult for him to do it than it was for me. I did finally talk to him about it and he has backed off a lot BUT, instead of the constant grabbing, pawing, and corny lines, he tries to sabotage me. If we go out to eat, he encourages me to eat more than what I feel comfortable eating. He says "You need to eat more. Those vegetables are good for you. Eat them. Your doctor says you need lots of Protein so you should eat the rest of that." I keep telling him that I CAN'T eat that much and besides, those restaurant portion sizes are WAY more than anyone should be eating. So then, like I said, it's "how about dessert? You love their <insert favorite dessert from that restaurant here>" Drives me NUTS. He is talking about having the lap band himself now and I think he may be serious this time.

Edited February 8, 2014 by countrysweet