I just don't know anymore ( Vent, sook )

[Phatty 0]

I found out I was pregnant and sadly this is no longer to be :cry I know that everything happens for a reason but I just can't help but think this was my doing I know that most women in this situation feel this way:cry

I went to my dr when I found out I was pregnant to get unfilled as I was concerned I wouldn't be able to provide all the nutrients for the baby he told me everything would be fine and I wouldn't need an unfill. So I took my drs advice and went and bought myself a multi Vitamin and also a pregnancy Vitamin.< /p>

During the 2 month I started cramping this lasted on and off for 2 days this was my first pregnancy and had no idea what was going on then I had some slight bleeding so I took myself off to the drs for him to tell me I was miscarrying :cry :cry

Instead of getting support from my partner he blamed me and said if I didn't have the lapband this wouldn't have happend and that I should have been firm with getting the unfill and that it was lack of nutrients that would have caused this.. What a huge slap to the face I did this so I would find it easier to fall pregnant!!

I hate him for blaming me I know his hurting aswell but to blame me for something like this is just wrong.. I can't stand to be around him :cry But I would hate myself even more if there were any truth in this matter???

I took all my Vitamins and the pregnancy Vitamins and tried my hardest to eat right, I gave up smoking continued with light excersise done everything by the book. I looked into pregnancy and the band and the success rate was unreal.

I'm sorry ppl I know this isn't the place to be airing my dirty laundry. Im not looking for sympathy I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe for someone to tell me that it had nothing to do with me having the lapband :think

[faithmd 14]

Phatty, I am so sorry for your and your partner's loss. Losing a baby, no matter if you are in the first month, or the ninth month is very difficult.

It is not the fault of the band.

He is grieving as are you, and one of the stages in that grief is anger. You are both going through a tough time and need a chance to heal. The honest answer is that in most cases we do NOT know why women miscarry. It just happens, and I have to trust that it happens for a reason.

I work in Neonatology (we take care of extremely sick and premature babies) and I can tell you from many years of experience, you can do EVERYTHING by the book, eat right, exercise right, avoid smoking, avoid alcohol, take no medications, and still have problems. You did not cause this intentionally.

I do hope things get better for you, there are many loss groups out there, when you feel up to it you might want to look into them. Here's a link to one that has been around for a very long time, I hope that this helps in some way:

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/

[Syrah 0]

Phatty, I am sorry you are going through this. I seriously doubt that the issue has anything remotely to do with nutrients. Think about how many women are unable to even keep food down during those early months. There are MANY women who are so sick they simply cannot eat at all, and they go on to carry healthy pregnancies.

I think you experienced a basic miscarriage that was completely out of your control in any way, and I'm very sorry. I am also sorry that your partner is blaming you. I hope you two can resolve these hurt feelings. Your partner is probably lashing out in pain.

I had a m/c 7 years ago. It is a painful experience and it is easy to blame yourself. The fact is that m/cs are very, very common and there are a million reasons why they happen, and 99.9 percent of them are beyond your control.

[Constance 0]

Oh I'm so sorry. It is NOT your fault! If anything, I was issued a big warning that with weight loss comes the increased chance of conception and to be extra dilligent with BC or I'd be pregnant in 6 months! Don't beat yourself up and don't take your partner's comments to heart. He is confused and sad and looking for a reason...you are NOT the reason. Just try to heal yourself right now. I know it is sad to grieve this w/o his support but just focus on getting back your confidence. Your biology and lapband are fine! Don't give up!

[Jachut 487]

Oh, I'm sorry.

It is NOTHING you did. A large proportion of pregnancies end in miscarriage sadly and as for nutrients and energy needs, these increase a lot in the third trimester but needs over and above what you normally need are virtually negligible during the first trimester. .

My doc explained that my baby needed nutrients, not calories, and I could do that on a low calorie intake with supplmentation and he was right - I gained no weight during the pregnancy and came home 12kg lighter than when I'd conceived. Fat loss and baby growing are not mutually exclusive by any means.

I wouldnt want to be VERY tightly banded and eating VERY little, but the band in and of itself is no problem - and it would be YOU that was at risk in that situation, as it would be your body that went without, not the baby's. Nature is smart that way. That's how starving women in third world countries give birth and lactate.

Still, I can understand how you would feel, when you conceive again, if it makes you feel better INSIST that your doc removes some Fluid.

It wasnt meant to be, it happens because there's some problem with the embryo, and it is not uncommon, it doesnt happen because you're banded. How many of us have smoked, drank, exercised hard or done other supposedly risky things without even realising we were pregnant?

[DonnaMarie 0]

I am so sorry for your loss..

I have 3 angel babies.. I had 3 miscarriages in a year. You are right, everything happens for a reason. In my situation, my ex ran off with my best friend.. so it was a blessing that I didnt have to bring children into a failed relationship. The miscarriages also made me stronger.

I did not have the band when I miscarried.. I do not have any children yet. It is VERY common to lose your first pregnancy and alot of times, women don't even know they are miscarrying. They think it is a late period.

Hang in there.. it isn't your fault. Sometimes these things happen.. even under PERFECT conditions.

Please take care of yourself and pamper yourself.. you deserve it.. and your partner will come around.. he is hurting too and men often use anger to get thru it at first.. he will realize he isnt getting anywhere with it.

Hugz,

DonnaMarie:)

[5jacks 0]

My prayers are with you and your partner. I ditto what everyone else has said. Also wish I could say time will make it easier, but I miscarried at 7 weeks about 12 years ago and am crying right now remembering the loss. Someone said that anger is a part of it, it's true, give your partner time to cope with everything that has happened and try not to blame them, they are grieving too in the only way they know how.

After my miscarriage I was able to get pregnant right away, he is 11 now! Then got pregnant 4 years later with twins (no medical help!) Guess what I'm saying is that right now your heart is aching but in time things will look better!

Something that helped me was a book called Empty Arms that the hospital gave me. It helps you and your partner realize and accept that it isn't your fault!

[gailannr 1]

I found out I was pregnant and sadly this is no longer to be :cry I know that everything happens for a reason but I just can't help but think this was my doing I know that most women in this situation feel this way:cry

I went to my dr when I found out I was pregnant to get unfilled as I was concerned I wouldn't be able to provide all the nutrients for the baby he told me everything would be fine and I wouldn't need an unfill. So I took my drs advice and went and bought myself a multi Vitamin and also a pregnancy Vitamin.< /p>

During the 2 month I started cramping this lasted on and off for 2 days this was my first pregnancy and had no idea what was going on then I had some slight bleeding so I took myself off to the drs for him to tell me I was miscarrying :cry :cry

Instead of getting support from my partner he blamed me and said if I didn't have the lapband this wouldn't have happend and that I should have been firm with getting the unfill and that it was lack of nutrients that would have caused this.. What a huge slap to the face I did this so I would find it easier to fall pregnant!!

I hate him for blaming me I know his hurting aswell but to blame me for something like this is just wrong.. I can't stand to be around him :cry But I would hate myself even more if there were any truth in this matter???

I took all my Vitamins and the pregnancy Vitamins and tried my hardest to eat right, I gave up smoking continued with light excersise done everything by the book. I looked into pregnancy and the band and the success rate was unreal.

I'm sorry ppl I know this isn't the place to be airing my dirty laundry. Im not looking for sympathy I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe for someone to tell me that it had nothing to do with me having the lapband :think

Phatty, I had a friend who miscarried. It turned out she had Rh negative blood and he had something else and it was the reason for her miscarriage.

[Phatty 0]

Im so overwhelmed right now thank you all so much for taking the time to share your words with me, I don't have many people I can talk to about this so I appreciate this more than you will ever know.

I honestly do understand that everything happens for a reason and as sad as I am about this I am also releived that it didn't carry out to the point where I could feel her/him kick because then It would really sink in that I had something growing inside me?? That sounds odd but I hope you know what I mean? I'm alot luckier than those who have to carry their baby to term and then to lose them I just couldn't imagine that my heart breaks for these women

I know his hurting and that his angry I just can't handle him putting blame on me and I don't know what I can say or do to help him when his making me resent him for what his saying to me. It's like he doesn't even want to know me and keeps pushing me. First night he wouldn't even come to bed with me. Now his distant like I have the plague. I just don't know what to say or do? I know his really hurting and it hurts me seeing him hurt the way he does especially when its not his character to show any emotion.

Sorry I did not respond to you all individually but please know that I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to respond to this and have read all of your comments

[Phatty 0]

gailannr, He has O+ And I have A+ ?? I asked the doctor if he could determine the reason to why this had happend and he said he couldn't give me a definate reason

[faithmd 14]

Rh incompatability isn't likely the reason for this one with those types.

As I said earlier, it is very very often that we never know why this happens. I wish we did, I really do. I know that doesn't help a lot right now, you want to know why, you feel that you need to know why, but it just happens. It just does.

Your partner needs some time too, unfortunately it is right when you need his support the very most. I wish we could all be there for you to give you a huge hug. It will be alright, it will take time. You have to take care of you. If he isn't coming around and is still treating you badly, seek some help. Counseling may be a very good idea if things don't settle down in time. Check out the site I put up the link for, it may help to talk to others who have been through a loss and had their partner react in a similar way.

[waitingtiljan 0]

Phatty,

It's not your fault at all. You described my first pregnancy to a "T". Sometimes it just happens...you'll probably never know the answers as to why. I went on to get pregnant 4 months later and have had 3 with no problems. It's just something that happens. You just can't beat yourself up or let anyone else blame YOU. I don't have the answers as far as the band goes, but I can't see it being the problem. You'll get through this..it will be tough for the moment. Just try talking to your partner and let him know how you are feeling. ((HUGS)))

Stacy

[Syrah 0]

Phatty, my husband did not really participate in the grieving process when we had the m/c, and that was hurtful. At least your partner is showing some feelings, but blaming you is not good. It's a tough time. If you have access to a couples counselor to help you through this period, it might be a good idea.

[Wheetsin 714]

Definitely not your band's doing. Pregnancy doesn't even require unfill. Unfill is only needed if you can't get in enough calories, or on a preventative basis (e.g. slip that might require surgery during pregnancy). Trust me, I've researched it. The fetus takes what it needs - you go without before it does. Don't feel that any of this had anything to do with the quanitity of food you were eating. You would have seen the problems in yourself before they caused any problems, had that been the case.

[juliegeraci 7]

Phatty, a ton of woman miscarry. It has nothing to do with the lapband. You did everything right. If you were filled you got enough nutrition to the fetus. They don't take much. Just try and mourn and get over your loss. I had a miscarriage 19 years ago. It was difficult to get over but I did. You will be fine. Just give it some time. Good luck.