Mothers and Husbands

[DaddyMarie 291]

K so I have been with my hubs for 13 years.. He's an awesome man who treats me like a queen. My mom is a meddler... She calls all day, texts, blows up every line I have, just to ask me a silly question. She has moved in twice and it's always ended disastrously.. She meddles in our home loans, how we raise our kids and has moved back and forth from California to Oregon more times than I can count which irritates me cause our kids get bummed and she does not seen to care. She recently moved 6 houses down from us and has been just showing up whenever she feels like it. I have asked her to call first but she keeps doing it. She even saw my son walking to school one morning and picked him up and took him to school and did not let us know till way later which kind of pissed us both off. We like to know where he is and feel she should have asked first...

My husband who is really passive and easy going has hit his breaking point. He does not even like seeing her anymore. So he told me he was gonna go off on her and I said no let me talk to her calmly. So I did. I simply told her that she has boundaries that need to be respected and she cannot meddle or show up anymore. She FLIPPED OUT on me. Cussed me out and called my husband every name in the book. Then said that she won't come around ever again until I divorce him. Told me she knows he does not like her and that she's done with is. I tried telling her that all she needs to Sonia call before she comes over but she was too far gone by that time.

I feel guilty, but we have had enough.... I don't know what to do.... Advice?

[VSG AJH 499]

Stick to your guns. My mom was just like this, and it drove me insane. She didn't start making positive, mature changes until I set similar boundaries and stuck to them. When she realized she was only punishing herself by trying to punish us/me, she started being a more respectful person, and our relationship improved dramatically. That improvement is reason enough to hold on.

Edited January 14, 2014 by VSG AJH

[Dee_1111 317]

I was almost not going to respond to this post. But I feel for you. I am a mother of 3 grown daughters. All of them have their own homes and families. I would NEVER barge into their homes unannounced. Why? because I respect their lives and trust their judgments. I love the men they love, because I love my children. I don't always like the choices they make concerning the children, but, you know what, I don't have to like it, I just have to respect it. And I do.

Advice is hard to give, because every family dynamic is different. But it sounds like you've tried to reason with her, and still, she's not respecting the boundaries. Maybe distance is the answer. Good luck sweetie, this is a tough one for you. The children always suffer the most when family are at odds.

[odessallen 20]

Regarding your coming over......it's simple! If she does not call first DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR. It doesn't matter if she knows you are home...don't answer. I had to do this to my sister-in laws when I had my first child.

Regarding your mother in your business about your loans and how you run your house....when age starts in on you...CHANGE THE SUBJECT. Every time she comes back to it change it again. For example, if she asks why are you cooking the chicken that way...respond with MOM WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY.

Do not oh back and forth with her because it only makes it worse. Suggest she get a hobby Ito occupy her time. See if there is a recreation center in your area with senior events and offer to go with her a few times.

Hope this helps. (Not yelling with the all caps) :-)

[Branmuffin 190]

Lol tell her she's come over when you were "getting in the mood" and that to eliminate any embarrassment she needs to call before showing up.

[Mama Spike 144]

Not sure if you are religious but I think of this verse when relatives interfere.

When my husband and I struggle it is because we are two not one.

Mark 10:6-9

"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Good luck!

[DaddyMarie 291]

Thanks everyone! This is some good sound advice.. I always walk on eggshells around her cause she comes in corked so easily and starts saying that she's gonna drive off a cliff or no one loves her and crys and I don't wanna see her cry. Its like she plays in my weakness and knows it! Once she told me that I disgust her because I'm so much like my father. All cause she was screaming at me and I would not react.... I have felt with this all my life and I'm kinda done...

[SuperFab 689]

My mom was just like that. To a T. But very manipulative. If it had been my mom who'd blown up on me like yours did to you, she'd have done it just to switch tacks. That way I'd be the one calling her and visiting her and trying to make amends. "Oh, it's ok mom. I didn't mean it like that". In the end you're gonna have to just not answer the door.

[Seela 1,187]

When I'm dealing with something very important and emotional and the other person can't or won't really "hear" me I find it much more effective to put it in writing. That way you can say everything you have to say, be very respectful and not get into any arguments where she or you just shut down. Good luck

[DeezJeanz 1,065]

Mama spike took the verse right out of my thots, cuz I was going to say the same thing. If she's religious, she'll get it, if not, its still the truth. I agree too w Seela about writing things down in a letter. I did this w my father a few yrs ago. And I said, if u NEED or want to discus any of what I wrote, then feel free. But these are my thoughts of how I feel uve made me feel over the years. I love u but I will not go to my grave wo letting UK how I've felt. I entitled it, my father's living eulogy...what wud I say or feel i needed to say if my father was not here. So figure out what u NEED to say, want to say, then write it down and send it to her in the mail, evntho she lives a few houses down. And then know that whatever happens, u did all that u cud. I pray that somthn we've said can help u.

Edited January 14, 2014 by DeezJeanz

[DaddyMarie 291]

Not sure if you are religious but I think of this verse when relatives interfere. <br><br> When my husband and I struggle it is because we are two not one.<br><br> Mark 10:6-9<br> "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."<br><br> Good luck!

I'm not religious but it's a nice verse. Thank you.

[Bandista 7,466]

A letter or email can be very effective. Do you know the Love Sandwich technique? Start off with how important she is to you and how much you love her. Then comes the meat -- what you need to lay out as far as what is not acceptable. Then you close with something positive or flattering (the other piece of bread).

Unfortunately you have to be the grown up here, and I imagine this was so even when you were a small child. This has been the case with me -- my mother is now elderly and while she does not show up at our house she does tend to hysterical behavior. She does it because she needs attention and like a child she needs to know that acting out is not going to get her what she wants.

Another technique is to acknowledge her feelings. "It sounds like you are very frustrated Mom, and I understand that, but you can't lash out at me like that. It makes everything worse." "I know you must feel lonely sometimes, Mom, and we do want to see you but you have to call first."

Good luck as you get this figured out. It sounds like she is not well. Maybe suggest therapy? That always shuts my mother down pronto!

Edited January 14, 2014 by Bandista

[Terry Poperszky 2,784]

I would suggest that you visit a professional counselor to get an outside perspective on your feelings of guilt from her manipulation. That is what my wife and I did, and it helped her considerably. There are people in this world how are only happy when they are controlling the lives of those around them. Her concern is not for the happiness of you are your family, but only for her own. Give in and it has the possibility of destroying everything that you hold dear.

[newat52 1,613]

We teach people how to treat us. Your mom has taught you how to walk on eggshells and cater to her. When she get the reaction and attention she craves, she wins. You have taught her that is ok.

You need to reteach yourselves how she will treat you and how you will treat her. She will not like it one bit. At first. She will kick and scream and threaten. That is her choice. How you react to it is key. You are an adult, she can only meddle in your financial affairs if you give the the means to do so.

It will take patience and time. Take one issue at a time. Lay it out and stick to it. If you tell her nicely that she needs to call and make sure it's a good time to come over before she shows up stick to it. When she shows up unannounced, and she will, either answer the door and politely say its not a good time or don't answer the door. Do not let her in the door. You let her know the boundary and you need to stick to it. Then on to the next issue. Don't get upset or go off on her. It will be the reaction she is looking for. Its just like a kid throwing a tantrum, they are looking for the reaction, when they see they don't get it, it may get more intense but after a while when they see one is not coming, they stop. It's the same thing.

The most important thing is to be firm, keep it polite and follow through with what you say you will do. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Good luck, keep us informed!

[DaddyMarie 291]

So she text me today and said that I will understand how she feels when my kids are grown and treat me like an annoying neighbor..that no matter how hard she tries nothing is right..

Really?