Fall down 7 times. Stand up 8!

[Kookichu 113]

I have been reflecting this morning in what derailed me! What caused me to spiral back out of control so hard and even harder than before I started this journey?

My choices yes, my will power yes, but something triggered it and I remember what now...

It wasn't the money being way way too tight... Or the new college classes.. It was a simple statement from someone very important to me!

It was so hurtful at the moment but I excused it but now reflecting it changed me... It was a powerful statement based in my faith about overweight people and their value!

Sitting here writing this I am tearing up!! When you already have value issues and are fighting daily to find your worth to be told you had no value was a blow! I sat there in awe of the statement!

Here I had lost 60 pounds and had changed everything about my eating and preparing for the surgery and I have no value not worth living..

I now know this was a total envy statement and based in this persons own struggle with current weight loss.....but I feel like all I am doing is still excusing this encounter and now hurting myself with food.

Each day has became a dreaded food battle that I am losing I have gained 8 pounds back!! I feel swollen from the process foods and my body hurts... I am noticing the longer I stay fallen down how extremely hard it is to get back up!!!

I hope writing this and having this reflection will move me today to a new start!!

Dealing with these demons before surgery I hope will help afterwards!!!

Today is a new day! run this statement through your mind...the things people say or do is more a reflection of them than you!

You seem to be analytical much like myself. I have had snide comments mostly from people I dont hold in very high regard anyway and even a few unintentional harsh statements from family, and I guarantee I handled those the same way...by overindulging with food. That being said, I have always been my hardest critic and worst enemy.

I have dealt with many addictions, actually [since we are being honest] and the most difficult has been unhealthy eating. Paired with lack of discipline and the demands of life, food was killing me. I knew that bariatric surgery was the tool I needed to get a grip...and live! Post surgery, I am still an addict craving my old choices everyday but this new lease on life feels like such a blessing that I am channeling that into painting dried gourds, searching out low carb, high Protein recipes on pinterest, sending thank you cards to my biggest supporters, and daydreaming of shopping thrift stores and finding clothes that fit...or even getting into old clothes that I have saved over the years.

Don't beat yourself up one more minute for getting off track. I venture to guess 90% [if not more] did, maybe will again. I am sorry the statement that derailed you was spoken, but know and believe you are already stronger than the intention behind it. Someone told me I was taking the easy route to weight loss and dont think it didnt float through my head [still does]. But I am here testifying that nothing about this decision was easy...and praise God for seeing me through it as recovery has been in my favor.

Count those blessings. Name them. You are going to blossom!

[Kookichu 113]

I'm having surgery February 4, 2014! Feel like the pics you posted are of me! I'm on my 2 week diet right now

Hi Esthor!!! Girl, those pictures...phew. I never even thought to post one with real pants on and didnt.even take one. lol. Oh well, these are true stories and that body is no lie. Everything is coming up roses...and I say that metaphorically because there is over a foot of snow right outside my door.

Good for you in deciding surgery is the tool you need to conquer the weight! You are gonna do fantastic! Best wishes and blessings to you. Be sure to keep us updated.

[Kookichu 113]

And teacherlady, 60lbs lost!!! That is phenomenal...dont let anyone steal your thunder. You are beautiful and deserve peace of mind.

"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" -Anais Nin

It's your day. You got this!

As I just read

...denial is the easiest way to NOT reach your goals.

You have it worked out as far as I can see.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Kookichu

[canam60 7]

teacherlady, derailments is what has gotten us all to this point, the surgery will give you the tools you need to regain control with out spiraling so far that you feel all is lost...

[teacherlady2133 258]

I love the quote about blooming!

I decided to have a good cry and then start again.. Today food choices were good. Even have food prepared for tomorrow... Getting back to drinking Water at right time and battling hunger but that is the name of the game right now until I get all this crappy food out of my system...

I am going to let hurtful words go and decide if I can forgive then I can move on...

Thank you all for listening to my rant and understanding those moments when your wind leaves the sails...

[Kookichu 113]

Mosaicforyou, I am thinking about you...sending all kinds of positive energy your way as Wednesday is approaching. xo

[Kookichu 113]

Today is two weeks post op for me and I couldnt have expected to feel so great, but am grateful that I do.

My first follow up appointment was Jan. 22nd and I moved into the pureed stage. I am not pureeing my food but rather chewing it into a pureed consistency. So far that is working great. The diet is somewhat boring but my appetite is not strong. I have tried scrambled egg with a drop of hot sauce [mentally missed the toast], sugar free pudding, pears in their own juice, Protein shakes [not my favorite but I hope experience and experimenting brings this around], cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and today I tried 1/4C. of Wendy's chili...success. I have set out the ingredients to make my own but wanted to be certain I could handle it. It was also nice to be able to research the Protein content online.

The one thing that tastes absolutely delicious to me is ice water! Some of the things I am trying is leaving a strange aftertaste that I never noticed pre surgery.

Today I ordered my Vitamins and sublingual B12...a little later than I wanted but have been using samples distributed by my nutritionist. I ordered from Celebrate the forest berry chewable multi Vitamin and Quick-melt cherry sublingual B12. I am set with chewable Calcium. My next investment will be an unflavored Protein powder to add to the things I eat...it is already proving to be a challenge to get my protein in, but I am trying. Happy to be at least staying hydrated. Any suggestions on an unflavored powder would be appreciated...might try powders?utm_source=BariatricPal&utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_campaign=CommentLink" target="_ad" data-id="1" >unjury. I still have a sample vanilla packet of Unjury and a Cookies and cream one from syntax nectar. I will try these soon. I have been using the EAS prepackaged strawberry and chocolate ones with 17g of protein for convenience and, frankly, there has to be a better remedy.

My incisions are closed and nearly healed. The truth is I physically feel good enough to return to work, but I have already been approved for 6wks short term disability at 60% of my pay so I am going to ride it out. The weather has not been kind for outdoor walking but I have been able to shop energetically.

This is truly the best I have felt in years...I really suffered pre surgery with pain, exhaustion, and depression. Aside from some cabin fever, all of that misery appears to be behind me. Starting back to work in late February will be a real test.

As of Friday, I had lost 20lbs since surgery [290lbs]. That is the first time being under 300lbs in four years...AND IT FEELS FANTASTIC!

So, I am hanging in there.

I just downloaded myfitnesspal today so if anyone wants to add me, my username there is also kookichu. I dont know what I am doing there yet, but intend to figure it out.

Also thinking about investing in the ifit wristband [i think that is what it's called]. Anyone have experience with this? If so, tell me what you think.

Blessed be!

Edited January 28, 2014 by Kookichu

[Kookichu 113]

I did have 5 minutes of OMG when I failed to chew a deviled egg well enough and it stuck...hovered over the throne for a minute while my dog, Maynard, barked at me...thankfully, it passed without incident but it was a close call. Lesson learned. And I may never look at a deviled egg again with longing...or Jello, not because it tested my pouch but because I feel like I ate my weight of it.

chew.chew.chew, kookichu

[canam60 7]

_{Kookichu, I did try the fitbit last year and did return it. I was hoping that it would give better results on my sleep habits, but unless you moved it figured you were asleep...I find there are better apps for your smartphone, just as I am sure there are probably some people that will swear by the fitbit...}

[Kookichu 113]

Canam60, I am mostly wanting a pedometer but thought, in months to come, that I would amp my exercise up...as for sleep, I am not certain anything could track my habits. When working and before surgery, my hobby was sleep out of pure necessity. Since being off work, I sleep at night for 8hrs (like "normal" people). Thanks for your sharing your thoughts about it.

I had my another post op appointment. Things are still going well. I invested in some Isopure Zero Carb Protein drinks (flavored water) packing 40g of Protein per bottle and Amplified Wheybolic Extreme 60 (chocolate) packing 60g of protein for 3 scoops in 12oz. of Water...they let me sample it @GNC.

As of today, I have lost 18lbs since surgery on the 13th of January. My surgeon said that I can take up to 6 stool softeners per day to aid in bowel movements which has been a problem this week.

Steady as she goes!

[Kookichu 113]

Yesterday was my one month post op appointment and I have lost 24lbs since surgery (down to 286lbs)...I will take it. The Phase III Adaptive Phase is now in effect and can start introducing other foods into my diet.

Two things I was advised to avoid is bread (unless toasted) and raw vegetables with a reminder of Protein first!

I will be returning to work in a week and a half. Recovery vacation has been good for me. At least at work there will be more opportunity to walk and do stairs as the weather here in WV has been old-fashioned...the winters I remember as a child. Beautiful!

As time progresses I hope it becomes easier to get my Protein requirements from food rather than my morning Protein shake. It's very tasty but when I make it with 1% milk (which I prefer over water), I rack up about 500 calories in one shot.

Appetite is not great most days so, for now, this is not a big concern but excited to see what the future holds.

Edited February 13, 2014 by Kookichu

[Kookichu 113]

Just an update: went back to work on February 26th and was tired the first night but things since have gone well.

This past Sunday, I was dealing with.a stomach virus and could not keep anything down- anything was a banana and Water.

I am down to 272lbs which is 38lbs since surgery on January 13th (64lbs since July)

...this latest bowel movement (which essentially felt like pooping a watermelon) may have brought me down to 270lbs.

Saturday, my mom treated me to a new outfit. Down 2 pant sizes and 3X shirts fit so good that a 2X may have worked but I have always prefered my shirts loose and long.

I've noticed that I am so cold most of the time, okay ALL the time. Ridiculously COLD especially compared to before surgery when I felt spontaneous combustion could occur at any moment.

I have an order for bloodwork which includes thyroid testing. Perhaps weight loss combined with my .300mcg of Synthroid has thrown me to the hyper end...OR maybe cold is just a reality of life now. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally enjoy summer weather.

And a funny observance, thank goodness I have an abundance of spoon and bowls because everytime.I wash dishes, this is what I wash and dry.

Blessings to all!

Whatever it takes!

Fall down seven times. Stand up eight!

[Tgarden 76]

Koochiku, I am so glad I found your initial post! I have enjoyed reading all of the responses, and have started making a list of Protein drinks and powders to try. I am about a month from my surgery date, and have felt every single one of your analogies about life and weight. You are so good with words!! I will read something you wrote and think, now THAT's what I have been trying to say! Good luck to you as you progress with your healing and your new life. I look forward to hearing about your continued successes! Blessings to you!

[Kookichu 113]

THolland, hello and thank you for being so sweet. Congratulations on being so close to your own life changing day.

In ways, it was life saving for me. My level of pain and misery pre surgery is still fresh in my mind but the turn around has been nothing short of miraculous. Don't get me wrong because there have been struggles and discomfort (such as cravings, eating Soup while others eat steak salad and garlic bread, painful bowel movements, occassional nausea) BUT this has been the best decision I have ever made. My body aches are finally managable whereas before it was nearly debilitating. My energy level is amazing which leaves me knowing that I am responsible for making living and being healthy a priority. J needed help getting here but, now that I am here, no more excuses. I say this because I am single, live alone in a huge house with two fur babies...pre surgery me didn't have the gumption to do much. Post surgery me still wants to do it all, but I find myself content with my simple life. I am currently trying to break out of this complacency and just DO.

Hopefully soon, I will be able to get the bulk of my Protein from food but my GNC shake mix truly is just like chocolate milk so I am sticking with it until I can eat more...and maybe even afterwards. Thankfully, I've had no lactose problems since surgery so milk is helping me reach my Protein goals. I use 1%...can't go lower...mental blocks. haha.

The Syntrax nectar is good but I ordered fuzzy navel hoping that peach would now taste good to me. Well, not so much. I now have a 2lb tub of it that will probably never be used again. Buy and try samples! GNC let me sample before I bought the Amplified Wheybolic. My nutritionist gave our class samples of unjury vanilla (tried this yesterday & it was good) and Syntrax Nectar Double Stuffed Cookie (also good). I've done the Atkins shakes and french vanilla was my favorite, but they do tend to be on the sweet tasting side with less protein than mixing one yourself, but they are good in a pinch and on the go.

I have found so many Protein Shake recipes that I need to try...spice it up a bit.

T, I appreciate you commenting and letting me know you relate. It means a lot to me. That is the one thing that has helped me is relating to others through reading their journies, thoughts, and struggles. We are all here to share, validate, and learn as much as we can about how we got here and where we are going. The road has not been easy but it has been worth it!! (so incredibly worth it).

Blessings to you. Keep me updated and if you need anything, let me know.

You are going to do fantastic!!

[Kookichu 113]

Just a quick update:

highest weight in July 2013: 334

weight day of surgey: 310

today: 265

I feel like dancing...so that's exactly what I am going to do.