Unsupportive Spouse

[Guest ladijane3]

My mother used to say "Actions speak louder than words." So many times in my life I've had to fall back on that.

My husband SAYS he supports me in this. But the truth of his actions say otherwise. He never went to any support group/informational seminars with me. The only doctor's appointment he went to was the one where I met the surgeon 3 days before surgery. He did take a week off of work to care for the house and kids post op, but I had to hear him grunt and groan about how frustrated he was.

This week he brought a bag of chocolate bars in the house. Last week it was tubs of ice cream. He tells our mutual friends he's afraid I'll leave him after I lose weight. A couple of days ago he complained that my surgery is so inconvenient for him because I'm "5x more tired and 5x more b*tchy" plus he can't pick which restaurant we go eat at since I have had certain eating restrictions.

I knew going into this I would be without a cheerleader, but now that I'm here post-op I could cry sometimes. I'm willing to rely on myself, but times like these, when he actually makes things more difficult I could just cry and cry. Worst thing is crying usually triggers bad headaches in me so I avoid it usually.

I don't know why I'm confessing all this. Maybe because I just find out that a HUGE percentage of lap banders end up getting divorced. I don't know what anyone out there can do. Our marriage has never been a love story written in fairy tales. What we have works, but it's nothing inspirational. The "silver lining" in our marriage is that we have 2 wonderful and happy children and we are very solid parents. As parents we are a perfect match...as a couple...not so much. I've always believed strongly that marriage is like child rearing, it goes through stages and right about the time you figure something out the problems change. LOL That attitude has worked well for the 10 years we've been together. I don't want to end up a statistic.

I read someone say that this experience like any other major life change can make strong marriages stronger, and weak ones weaker. But I've never classified myself as having either a strong or a weak marriage. Can anyone relate?

Banded 2/23/07, 332 highest weight, 305 at surgery, 285 currently.

[libra 13]

I'm certainly not defending him but maybe he's afraid of losing you. Fear can make people do some cruel things.

Maybe you should talk to him about it and ask him what he's feeling.

[FatBoy 0]

Funny thing it is to hear the words I've thought so many times.

[travelgirl 3]

I agree with Libra. You definitely need to have a serious conversation with your husband about all of this. If he has actually told mutual friends that he's afraid you'll leave him after you lose weight, that's a huge red flag. He might just be trying to hang on to you, no matter what the cost.

I know that these conversations are difficult, but it sounds like you'll be able to work through it if you're both honest with each other. Don't let it go on any longer, though, or the rift between the two of you may get to be so big that you can't bridge it. TALK to him sooner rather than later!

Keep us posted, and know that we're here for moral support if you need us.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

[Kat817 19]

I agree that he may be acting on fear. There are so many things to consider, and he is acting wrong, I will not defend that---but don't even start thinking the "big D". There is a lot to salvage. If you can work together as parents, you can work together on being a couple.

I know if I didn't spend as much time talking about this band and this hectic first year here, on LBT, I would have likely alienated my husband and the rest of my family!!! I know they would get tired of my focusing on little else. You have gone through a grieving process only a fellow bandster (or equivalent) would understand. One of the stages of grief is anger, also sadness. He probably does not understand that.

While bringing in the food that you cannot have is hard on you---you might try looking at it in another way. Remember how you used to turn to chocolate or whatever your favorite was when you were assuaging hurt feelings or feeling stressful? Well he hasn't been banded, he still can eat away his fears, hurts, whatever he is feeling. If you are feeling this, he is likely to be as well. And he has admitted to being afraid you will leave.

Talk to him. Try to find things to agree on....work on it. Find a way to laugh together. Summer is coming, find things to do together, whether it is a sport, or grilling in the yard. Do things with him---let him know you want to be with him. You work your band---it may take some time working your marriage. It may not have been ideal, but you loved him enough to marry him, and have 2 children with him---find the spark again---and reassure him, it is HIM you want by your thin side.

No matter what the future brings, as long as there is not any abuse in the marriage, you will never regret giving it your best shot, especially for your children. You all deserve a chance.

Speak with your Dr, if the want to cry all the time becomes overwhelming, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. We needed help with our weight issues, so we got the band. If you need some emotional bolstering, ask for help---it is not something to be ashamed of. You lost a way of life, it often takes time to find yourself on an even keel again.

((((hugs))))

Kat

[travelgirl 3]

Kat, you said everything I meant to say. You have such a wonderful way with words!

[Kat817 19]

aka----I talk A LOT!!!!!! Thanks that's a sweet thing to say!

Kat

[dotofoz 0]

Maybe he just wants to keep you heavy because he's insecure. That's kinda what happend w/me. I asked mine for NO help and got none also. Sounds like you need to do what's best for YOU. I guess I'm just being cynical since we're in divorce proceedings (for a different reason, he refuses to work & I'm not supporting him like his mom does his dad). I also am splitting for our son, he'll be 4 and I refuse to let him be like his father. DH told me how fat I was yesterday, I just blew it off, I'm 4 weeks post op and down 18+ pounds. He's about 50 pound overweight himself, beer, junk food, and having couch ass will that to ya. I'm doing this for ME so I can be around for my son as he grows up and so I can make sure I do my best to make him a positive contirbutor to society, unlike his father (my soon to be ex-DH). Good Luck & God Bless!

[wish412 0]

Just a bit of a slant on this: You sound as if your FAMILY has been your life, not neccesarily your marriage. When the romance of marriage starts to fade, it is so normal to spend all your energy on being the perfect picture of family to those watching. Your husband has probably gotten VERY used to he and the kids being the first priority with you, and now that you have had to focus on yourself for a change, he could be feeling almost jealous of your focus being shifted. I have always thought that men become your additional child at times(my observation, not a slice at men in general)and they can even become jealous of their own children if they feel left out, and neglected. My own has been through that phase as our kids grew up, but we managed to get it talked out before it grew too big to handle. Plan a night alone for the two of you, let him know that he will always be your love, and tell him you need his help with this. It has been my experience that men WANT to be the hunter gatherer for their families, and they thrive on feeling needed, not just tolerated. I hope all works out for you, and that you both come out of this situation with a renewed love for each other, because this will definitely change the way you feel about yourself, and hopefully how he feels about you too!!! Shame on him for the food things, but he may be testing you to see just how dedicated you are to this thing you have done, after all I bet he has seen you diet and fail before, so again this may be a test, only a test. Show him you mean business, beat him at his challenge!!!!!! MIZBOO

[lildarlin 0]

Wow...you just told my story. No true support, met the doc 5 mins before surgery and now almost a year later acts like I'm the problem. I'm tired of it, but don't feel divorce is the answer. We've tried the night out business, certainly didn't change his attitude. I don't know.....it sucks.

[Monkey 0]

I'm not yet banded, but I feel your pain. I was married to someone I didn't truely love because of family pressure. I'm the first in my family to have ever been divorced, and PROUD of it. I married a man who turned out to be an incredible father, he was neither abusive or drunk or anything like that, we were just not ment for each other. I had to leave for my sanity. I decided that struggling with money and being alone was better than the loveless relationship I was in.

Part of my journey in life has been to do the right thing for me--leaving my husband, explaining it to my child and family. Becoming financially stable and yes, loving myself and taking control!

If he is a good father now, he will be a good father later. My ex husband is still the best father I have ever met! I'm not saying leaving your husband is the answer, but you need to speak to him and maybe a therapist too.

LOTS OF HUGS!

[Guest ladijane3]

Thanks everyone (especially lildarlin and FatBoy). Some days are better than others. Like most of our troubles in the past 10 years, sometimes its just takes time to let a good day happen and let things fall back into place.

My husband swears he loves me, but when you look at things very .. purely... it's clear to me its not love but that he needs me and I honestly don't think he knows there's a difference. The biggest indicator to me is how far out of his way he'll go for his friends (not family usually though .. ring ring clue phone for me *duh*) but heavens forbid if I ask him to help me.

Anyway, it does help knowing others are in the same boat.

[Wheetsin 714]

Maybe because I just find out that a HUGE percentage of lap banders end up getting divorced.

Just remember that the band itself never (that I know of!) caused a divorce. Weightloss can be a catalyst for problems that already exist. Women who have stayed with men because they felt they were too unattractive to find someone else, or because they had grown use to the security of their spouse, may or may not continue to settle for a less than ideal relationship... but a woman who loses the weight and finds renewed confidence rarely will.

A relationship grows, and the people in it grow. Right? You can either grow like this: || or you can grow like this /.

And "you've changed" rarely means "you've changed", it usually means "we've both changed and I have not changed in the same direction as you".

Have you specifically asked him not to do the things he's doing around the food? If so, what was his response? If not, then you can't expect him to not do it. Guys - by and large - are just "like that". They don't put 2 and 2 together the same way we do. Give him direct and clear feedback on what he's doing, and see how he responds. You may find that he's completely surprised that some of his actions and hehaviors have impacted you in the way they have.

[kity 2]

Ladiejane,

You said that you knew you would not have a cheerleader in your journey, but you do. WE ARE YOUR CHEERLEADERs, YOUR SUPPORT, AND IN MANY WAYS YOUR FAMILY. The first thing my partner said when I told her I was gonna do the band was, "Your gonna leave me when your thin." The first thing her mom said was, "She is gonna leave you when she is thin". The weird thing is my partner is size 10, healthy and fit. The reason I am doing this is so that I too can be healthy and fit...but I thought both of their responses were weird. There is not much difference between a lesbian and straight relationship when it comes to this.

I would question his motives w/ bringging the "goodies" into the house. Misery loves company, and he may be trying to sabatoge (not spelled right) so you don't look "too good".

One thing I was shocked to hear was about the divorce rate w/ bandsters. I know these are life changes but I pray that doesn't happen to me. But it is out of my hands, and one thing that is in my hands is my health and well being!

Keep your chin up...focus on yourself...

[TheCascadian 1]

Have you specifically asked him not to do the things he's doing around the food? If so, what was his response? If not, then you can't expect him to not do it. Guys - by and large - are just "like that". They don't put 2 and 2 together the same way we do. Give him direct and clear feedback on what he's doing, and see how he responds. You may find that he's completely surprised that some of his actions and hehaviors have impacted you in the way they have.

+1,000, Wheetsin you hit the nail on the head, but I must proviso it:

Men don't connect up OUR behaviours with YOUR emotional responses because we mostly don't have them (emotional responses). LOL.

Not knowing the situation, but I'm guessing if the husband went on a diet and the wife brought home horrible Desserts and cheat foods the husband would figure the wife needed a snack and just continue on his diet. He wouldn't take it personally, or so I'm guessing.

But maybe I'm a jerk, I dunno. My horrible pre-op liquid diet hasn't kept roommates and friends from ordering the worst kinds of foods and Desserts around me- nor should it. I either have the strength to say "no" or I don't.

Now if they shoved it under my nose and asked me to eat it with them? Then that's rude and different.

If the hubby was NORMALLY a health-freak and now he's eating snickers and ice cream every meal, well, then that's probably a sabotage attempt. But it doesn't read that way.

Just my .02 cents.