To tell or not to tell?

[doneganregime1 43]

Wow. I told everyone and not one soul has said anything negative. Family friends and coworkers encouraging me and being supportive.

[VSG AJH 499]

So I'm in the middle of this. I had surgery 12/03/13. When I was pre-op, I debated telling people. My husband knew and my dearest friend knew, but no one else. Then, I decided to tell a small circle of 5 close friends in confidence, and when I got a range of responses from super excitement to criticism, I decided to stop telling. I didn't need the stress of dealing with other people's emotions and second guesses when I had my own to work through. I didn't want to have to backtrack if insurance fell through or delayed the process. Additionally, Even if things worked out and surgery was a go, I didn't want the food scrutiny early on and constant calls or texts from people about how much weight I've lost when I'm just getting this thing going.

Now I'm five weeks out. I'm eating actual food -- soft, low carb food, but still food. I'm choosing behaviors that don't draw a lot of attention to me because that's what I prefer. I've lost 44 pound total, 27 of those in the five weeks since surgery, and people are beginning to comment. Many people still can't put their finger on what's different about me. When the nurses at my surgeon's office (who KNOW I've had surgery and am losing weight) asked if I got new glasses, I simply replied, "nope, same ones!" and left it at that. When my husband's boss asked if I'd gotten my hair done, that could be answered with an honest yes because I just had. When someone said I was looking "thinnish," I laughed with them and said, "oh, I don't know about that!" but they didn't ask if I'd lost weight, and I didn't feel the need to tell them I'd had bariatric surgery.

Yesterday, a couple of moms at my daughter's playgroup asked if I'd lost weight. One is naturally thin and gorgeous and not someone I've known very long, and I told her I had. The conversation went back to her then, about how she needed to lose weight, but she was just too busy. There was no question about what I'd done to lose. The other mom, though, we've been good friends for years, and she just went on and on, and began asking what I was doing (as we've share weight struggles for years). I asked if she could keep a secret, then shared I had bariatric surgery. She was so excited and impressed, and wanted to know how I felt and how things were going, etc. She asked some really good questions. It was good!

So far, I like the way I'm handling this. I'm not ashamed of having surgery, but I don't feel it's necessary to broadcast this to every single person in the world. When people who care about me truly express interest in what I'm doing/have done to improve my health, I don't mind sharing. Eventually, I'm sure word will move through the grapevine, but by then, hopefully I'll be further into my journey and will have an even greater handle on this baby sleeve.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

There are as many answers on this as can be. In my case, my trainers at the gym know, my mother, my immediate family (kids and husband), and several friends. It's not exactly that I have a problem telling people but I both live in a small community *and* my jobs have me working with around 100 volunteers on a regular basis. Short of sending out several group emails, something I would not have done even if I was having, say, leg surgery…I did not want to go into it with most people.

I'm 11 weeks out now and aside from the first couple of weeks when I still had to be in social situations, it is amazing what a non-issue it is. It's possible that it may become more of one as I lose more weight, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I will also say that I had a hernia repair at the same time, and so for those who needed to know that I was having surgery, that is what I told them. The diet protocol is similar for the first few weeks anyway.

I don't have any real feelings good or bad for what the "right" thing to do is. I think that everyone's circumstances are slightly different. Outright lying is difficult though…so I am pretty sure I won't be doing that.

[Memily 86]

I am 6 weeks post op, I also only told close friends and most of my family. People are noticing and commenting on my weight loss now. I tell everyone I see a nutritionist and am on a high Protein and healthy choice diet. I also tell them I literally measure all of my food and work out a few times a week. Unfortunately those who have never been over weight OR those who have never had the surgery don't always realize that WLS is not an "easy" way out. It is a tool that helps you loose the weight. We have literally made a life changing decision as our stomachs will never be the same surgically. With all that said........I do not plan on telling my co workers or random people. I am so happy with my decision and all of the compliments I have received....it is none of their business on all the tools I have to loose the weight because ultimately....I AM DOING THIS!

[MarciHunter 167]

[The conversation went back to her then, about how she needed to lose weight, but she was just too busy. There was no question about what I'd done to lose. The other mom, though, we've been good friends for years, and she just went on and on, and began asking what I was doing (as we've share weight struggles for years). I asked if she could keep a secret, then shared I had bariatric surgery. She was so excited and impressed, and wanted to know how I felt and how things were going, etc. She asked some really good questions. It was good!

Oh, hon, I know. While I tell everyone about my surgery and I believe in being honest. I totally understand how this type of people are better off not knowing about the surgery. While everyone I told was supportive and very nice about it, I have a similar acquaintance, this woman that looks really nice, she's always been slim , she had 3 babies, and she carried a bit of weight, and by "weight" I mean, a maximum of 10 pounds, so overall she's at a normal weight. And every time she sees a picture of me on Facebook ( she lives in France, I live in Britain) , she keeps saying things like " now you're losing so much weight and you look so good, and me, on the other hand, I get fatter and fatter and everyday" , or her first reaction of me telling her I'm having the surgery : so you'll get skinny and I'll stay fat! Felt like virtually slapping her.

I can understand how even 10 pounds can be hard to lose, it's very annoying, when she compares her "struggles" with weight with me and my actual struggles at almost 300 lbs before the surgery when she's only 140-150 lb . Somehow , this kind of people, will always make it about them, and not you. Luckly, there's not many as them. Most of people are like the other mom at your school, supportive, curious, asking good questions, etc.

Anyway, hopefully we won't have to deal with many people like this, many hugs and speedy recovery and hope you have an amazing journey ahead of you xx

Marci

[MarciHunter 167]

So I'm in the middle of this. I had surgery 12/03/13. When I was pre-op, I debated telling people. My husband knew and my dearest friend knew, but no one else. Then, I decided to tell a small circle of 5 close friends in confidence, and when I got a range of responses from super excitement to criticism, I decided to stop telling. I didn't need the stress of dealing with other people's emotions and second guesses when I had my own to work through. I didn't want to have to backtrack if insurance fell through or delayed the process. Additionally, Even if things worked out and surgery was a go, I didn't want the food scrutiny early on and constant calls or texts from people about how much weight I've lost when I'm just getting this thing going. Now I'm five weeks out. I'm eating actual food -- soft, low carb food, but still food. I'm choosing behaviors that don't draw a lot of attention to me because that's what I prefer. I've lost 44 pound total, 27 of those in the five weeks since surgery, and people are beginning to comment. Many people still can't put their finger on what's different about me. When the nurses at my surgeon's office (who KNOW I've had surgery and am losing weight) asked if I got new glasses, I simply replied, "nope, same ones!" and left it at that. When my husband's boss asked if I'd gotten my hair done, that could be answered with an honest yes because I just had. When someone said I was looking "thinnish," I laughed with them and said, "oh, I don't know about that!" but they didn't ask if I'd lost weight, and I didn't feel the need to tell them I'd had bariatric surgery. Yesterday, a couple of moms at my daughter's playgroup asked if I'd lost weight. One is naturally thin and gorgeous and not someone I've known very long, and I told her I had. The conversation went back to her then, about how she needed to lose weight, but she was just too busy. There was no question about what I'd done to lose. The other mom, though, we've been good friends for years, and she just went on and on, and began asking what I was doing (as we've share weight struggles for years). I asked if she could keep a secret, then shared I had bariatric surgery. She was so excited and impressed, and wanted to know how I felt and how things were going, etc. She asked some really good questions. It was good! So far, I like the way I'm handling this. I'm not ashamed of having surgery, but I don't feel it's necessary to broadcast this to every single person in the world. When people who care about me truly express interest in what I'm doing/have done to improve my health, I don't mind sharing. Eventually, I'm sure word will move through the grapevine, but by then, hopefully I'll be further into my journey and will have an even greater handle on this baby sleeve.

Oh, hon, I know. While I tell everyone about my surgery and I believe in being honest. I totally understand how this type of people are better off not knowing about the surgery. While everyone I told was supportive and very nice about it, I have a similar acquaintance, this woman that looks really nice, she's always been slim , she had 3 babies, and she carried a bit of weight, and by "weight" I mean, a maximum of 10 pounds, so overall she's at a normal weight. And every time she sees a picture of me on Facebook ( she lives in France, I live in Britain) , she keeps saying things like " now you're losing so much weight and you look so good, and me, on the other hand, I get fatter and fatter and everyday" , or her first reaction of me telling her I'm having the surgery : so you'll get skinny and I'll stay fat! Felt like virtually slapping her. I can understand how even 10 pounds can be hard to lose, it's very annoying, when she compares her "struggles" with weight with me and my actual struggles at almost 300 lbs before the surgery when she's only 140-150 lb . Somehow , this kind of people, will always make it about them, and not you. Luckly, there's not many as them. Most of people are like the other mom at your school, supportive, curious, asking good questions, etc. Anyway, hopefully we won't have to deal with many people like this, many hugs and speedy recovery and hope you have an amazing journey ahead of you xx Marci

[LyndseyD 106]

I guage my reply based on who is asking... most people I am honest with, but sometimes if I feel they're snarky I just say "I wat less" because that is the honest truth... I do not "diet" I do not count calories, or anything for that matter. I just eat less. which is the truth.

[MegaBob 46]

My experience has been that the people who found out or I told after surgery were very supportive. I lost a bunch of weight 3 years ago with diet and exercise. My friends, family and associates were very proud/supportive. Then they watched me put the weight back on over the next years, struggle with eating right, and slowly quit going to the gym. The most common response has been "good for you, don't give up, keep fighting". Which honestly surprised me. People that are close to you or care about you will support you, and rest don't matter.

I only told a select few before surgery because I just didn't want to answer the same questions over and over, and was afraid people would try to talk me out of it. I spend more time explaining it to people I think are in need of doing something about their weight and are showing interest.

I was also shocked how many friends had family members that had some sort of WLS so it really was not a big deal to them.

[WombatVSG 56]

I told my family (parents and siblings) because we think that when you go under general anesthesia, your loved ones should know about it. But I also said that I didn't really want to talk about it, and they've respected that. It depends on your family. My big concern used to be that the family will be super-supportive, and if I gain back, they'll judge me. Sometimes all the encouragement can be daunting.

As far as co-workers, I work with an amazing bunch of people, and I told them, mainly because I knew the liquid diet was going to make me an evil demon woman, and I wanted to warn them. They've been really nice about it.

Bottom line is that you need to do what works for you. Tell people as much as you're comfortable telling them.

[Folly 308]

I've struggled with that as well. People who don't understand often view any kind of weight loss surgery as a cop out. My weight loss began May 1, 2013 and I had surgery on Sept 23, 2013. In that time frame I lost a lot of weight. Whenever it came up I would tend to defensively point out how much weight I lost before surgery - like I wanted credit for doing it "the right way" or something. There was an element of shame about it that made me uncomfortable with sharing. I think this was more about me feeling good about myself than anything. Now I find myself being a bit more reasonable about who I tell and who I do not tell. I usually share important things with people who are important to me and usually do not share important things with people who are not important to me. The public (co-workers, neighbors, friends of friends and causal acquaintances) has no need or right to know. With important people in my life we mutually share successes, failures, hopes, disappointments, medical conditions and important life events. There is no shame in doing what you need to do to live a better life. We all, however, have a right to privacy and to live without the unwanted opinions of others being forced upon us because tmi has been casually tossed about.

[cooterbrown 13]

I know I'm in the minority, but I didn't tell anyone but my husband. It's not their business. I didn't tell my grown skinny kids because I have heard their negative comments regarding friends that had weight loss surgery. I had another procedure at the time of my sleeve and bad labs pre-surgery, so I just told everyone that I had to lose weight and exercise for my health. All 100% true.I'm very pleased with my decision. It is not only possible to not tell, it's really easy,

[scarlet333 386]

I know I'm in the minority, but I didn't tell anyone but my husband. It's not their business. I didn't tell my grown skinny kids because I have heard their negative comments regarding friends that had weight loss surgery. I had another procedure at the time of my sleeve and bad labs pre-surgery, so I just told everyone that I had to lose weight and exercise for my health. All 100% true.I'm very pleased with my decision. It is not only possible to not tell, it's really easy,

I was exactly like you only told my husband (my kids are still youngish) and there were many reasons I didn't tell them. But it has been amazingly easy and I think I made the right decision for me. I don't feel like I am lying because people usually say things like you look great, how much have you lost, are you doing your own diet or one of the big ones. I can answer these honestly.

[LouiseC 1,031]

I know I'm in the minority, but I didn't tell anyone but my husband. It's not their business. I didn't tell my grown skinny kids because I have heard their negative comments regarding friends that had weight loss surgery. I had another procedure at the time of my sleeve and bad labs pre-surgery, so I just told everyone that I had to lose weight and exercise for my health. All 100% true.I'm very pleased with my decision. It is not only possible to not tell, it's really easy,

I understand why people make the decision not to tell others, I really do. I don't judge it either, to each their own. That said, I have to point out that what you are telling people isn't "100% true". Not at all. It is a half truth, a partial truth. Again I say I have no judgement here but ask that you don't kid yourself into thinking you are being 100% truthful because you are not. If you are going to tell a half truth then own that that is what you are doing. Don't try and dress it up as 100% true. It just isn't.

[Teachamy 1,042]

I have just about every co-morbidity on the list, most caused by metabolic syndrome and auto-immune disease. SO...I told them I was having surgery to combat my wacky immune system. Most have commented on my weight loss (I haven't weighed myself lately) and I explain that the weight loss is helping reset my metabolism and deal with the gut hormones, which it is hypothesized is responsible for most autoimmune issues. I give the whole story to those who won't judge, but will also spread the word in the staff room so I won't have to! There is a stigma about WLS no matter how much we benefit. We just have to accept it was the best choice we could make for ourselves--and they are all pea green with envy!

[MarciHunter 167]

I understand why people make the decision not to tell others, I really do. I don't judge it either, to each their own. That said, I have to point out that what you are telling people isn't "100% true". Not at all. It is a half truth, a partial truth. Again I say I have no judgement here but ask that you don't kid yourself into thinking you are being 100% truthful because you are not. If you are going to tell a half truth then own that that is what you are doing. Don't try and dress it up as 100% true. It just isn't.

Same here, I really think its a personal decision, but I totally agree how its not 100% true. It's not lying but it is untrue by omission, by choosing not to mention the surgery. And I believe telling people you did it the "natural" way, gives other people false hope they can do it just by themselves, when sleevers like us, definitely couldn't .

And please don't take this the wrong way, but I believe that if you are embarrassed for having the gastric sleeve means you yourself think you took the easy way out , and you all know that's not case. And telling people you did it the "natural" way by eating healthy and exercising, means that you probably are ashamed or embarrassed of having the surgery .

And somebody said that their own kids pass judgement on others for having the surgery. Soooo, let me get this straight? Instead of educating your kids when it comes to the gastric sleeve, you'll just let them believe their mom did it the "right" , "natural" way, and that other obese people are just too lazy and get surgery? I'm sorry, but while I totally understand why you won't tell people..I would tell my kids especially if they think like that. Maybe one day someone close to you will get the surgery and you know what they'll think: mom worked her butt off and lost it the healthy way and this person took the easy way out? You know what that does? That perpetuates what other people think of bariatric surgery patient, and you being one of them, should care more about how we're viewed. I know if I'm given the opportunity to educate someone about the wls, I'll do it gladly. But maybe that's just me.