Loss of a good friend by her choice

[juliegeraci 7]

TracyinKS, I hear you. I am done with her. I have begged for forgiveness and just about everything else. I have done my part, she obviously does not care to do hers. So the relationship is over.

[Sunta 5]

Well as I go through life, I find that there are just fewer and fewer quality people in the world. People have mental problems, people are insecure, people are crazy.

Here are my instances of friends leaving my life by choice (I'm convinced both were related to their severe mental problems; I seem to attract the crazy people):

Case study #1: A relative of mine. She's always been quite strange/shy/paranoid in general. For example she's 40 and has never once had a boyfriend even though she claims she desperately wants one and swears she's not Gay. She dated a guy once and he broke up with her after like two months. Other men she's dated from Eharmony and Yahoo personals often would leave right in the middle of their date! She has always been very paranoid that "people don't like her" and "are talking about her behind her back." She's had numerous friends break up with her too. We had one discussion one day where I expressed mild frustration over a relative of ours, and from that day on, she (my cousin) never spoke to me again. She later told another cousin that I "screamed at her" and she's "scared" to talk to me. I in fact never screamed at her, not even close! I've written her emails but no response. She didn't even call me after my LAP Band surgery. We haven't spoken in over a year. I just chalk it up to her having arrested development, extreme immaturity, and mental issues.

Case study #2: My friend from college. He came to my house one weekend and exhibited paranoid and bizarre behavior. I found out that same weekend he was on some drug "his roommate made in the microwave". He was disoriented and didn't seem to know where he was, and at the end of the weekend stormed off in a rage because he insisted I had "taken him to a place other than Philadelphia" (in fact, we were in Philadelphia at a diner!). He took a bus back to New York and I never heard from him again. I later heard through a mutual friend that he said I was using the word "crazy" too many times duiring the weekend and that he thought I was "making fun of him indirectly."

So you can see that these two people were indeed quite challenged in terms of mental stability. Perhaps your friend is going through some kind of similar problem?

I have also had instances in my life where I have been the breaker-upper, as in the case of a couple who decided they just "didn't like" my husband. I was mighty quick to say goodbye to them!

Depsite all of this trimming of the dead wood so to speak, I have a nice circle of close friends, and several best friends, some of whom have been in my life since grade school.

I've come to see I don't need the crazy ones, the paranoid ones, the toxic ones.

I know it's painful, but sometimes friends just really need to move on from each other. Think of it as an opportunity to make a brand new, even better friend.

My husband and I "replaced" the old couple with a really sweet new couple who we have now been friends with for three years. We're much happier with them and are glad to have time to devote to new friends who are nice instead of jerks.

I feel for you. I hope you take comfort in the fact that this is a new opportunity to meet someone nicer, better, and more fun than your old friend.

Good luck!

[juliegeraci 7]

Sunta, thanks for taking the time out to post. I am feeling much better about the situation today. You are right, I need to make some new friends!

[travelgirl 3]

Julie, I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better about your situation today. (((hugs)))

[juliegeraci 7]

Travelgirl, I am feeling a ton better today. I remember last year when she wasn't there for me and was very judgemental about an affair I had. It goes both ways when she says I wasn't there for her. I think it may be overdue. Thanks for the post. I really appreciate it.

[LeeInDe. 0]

Wow, this happens to other people too? I made a fantastic friend back in nursing school, in the late 70's. Best friends, and all of that. Had our kids at the same times.

Back in 1997, she stopped comunicating with me, and I have not talked to her in a few years now. But for the longest time I would call her, email, write, and apologize for something that I had no idea what it was I had done. She would never tell me, and to this day I still miss her and dream about her on occasion!

[ChinaMom 0]

Tracyinks,

death will do it too. my husband died. his friends, and alot of mine, rallied around me like crazy. I thought we will be OK, we have all this help and emotional support and friendship. Six months later my mom died. they both had cancer. then things started cooling down. his friends stopped checking on us. my friends stopped inviting me to do things. no one offered to help with my daughter anymore. one friend who had just gotten divorced and was there for me all the time found a new guy and totally blew me off. it was clear to me she couldn't live without a man.

It started really getting to me, and then I decided I just had to be strong. I just sort of "hunkered down" with my precious five year old daughter and decided I needed no one else. and frankly I am doing fine.

I think they all just got bored with the glamour of helping out the widow and orphan. and I am pretty sure I wasn't overbearing or too demanding of people's time. I made a conscience effort not to be.

people are just weird, and even though friends are important, I've just learned to be true to myself and not rely on anyone else. even for emotional support. I do all my angst-filled talking to my shrink!

Karen

[juliegeraci 7]

Karen, sorry to hear about your husband and mother. It sounds like you really went through it. I am glad that I am handling it a lot better today. I just have to remember the reason why some people come into my life. Some are for a reason, season or a lifetime.

[synicalchick 0]

Some are for a reason, season or a lifetime.

THAT'S IT THAT'S IT!!!!!! The email poem I was talking about. Some people are in your life for a REASON, and when that is done, they are gone, Others are in your life for a SEASON, and when the season is over, they are gone. Then there are the ones that are for LIFE and those are VERY few and far between. A lot of times we mistake reason & season friends for lifers but they are not and there will be others to come along. I found the poem on google. Take a read.. IT"S GREAT

People Come Into Your Life For A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime

Unknown Author

When you figure out which one it is,

you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .

It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

to provide you with guidance and support,

to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are!

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,

or at an inconvenient time, this person will say

or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,

our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered.

And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON....

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons

: things you must build upon in order to have

a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,

and put what you have learned to use in all

other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

How much of this poem, can you relate to?

[juliegeraci 7]

I relate to all of it. I really thought after 25 years my friend would be lifetime. She couldn't get over the affair I had last year. Its too bad because I trusted her and I was completely honest with her. Just goes to show you really don't know a friend's true colors until you go through something. I am better to have known her but unfortunately I can honestly say she will never be in my heart again. She has totally burned me.

[Kat817 19]

My former best friend and I had been friends since 5th grade. We were in each others weddings and threw one anothers baby showers. We supported one another through our following divorces. We raised our daughters -- helping out one another here and there, $20 bucks til payday, etc for years. We went to court with one another as we tried in vain to collect child support. Through the years my friend developed a drinking problem. she worked in a pub---and often stayed and drank too much. She eventually had 3 kids with 2 different husbands---and divorced both times. When I married my DH, she knew him well, we had all gone to school together, and got along. When she needed something done, we helped---we continued to loan her $$$ as needed. Well years passed, and our oldest DD's now had babies---2 days apart. Her DD had moved to Minnesota, mine to Hawaii. So a couple of years ago (making us 44 at the time---so this is a LONG standng friendship), not long after my DD moved back to the area, her DD come for a visit. She told me she spent so much $$ with her coming home, that she needed to borrow some money to buy her son some boots, I said ok, and wrote her a check. she told me she was overdrawn at the bank, and would have to cash it the next Tuesday when she went to work. When my DD come over I decided to take her out to the new place she was living so the girls could get together with their babies. Not sure who was most surprised....me, her, my DD or my EX HUSBAND who was living with her!!! Yep---I am loaning her $$$ to help support the asshole who refused to support his child. I spent $27.50 stopping payment on that $20.00 check! Money well spent. She tried telling me all about how they just fell in love when they met up at the bar.....yadda, yadda, yadda....then let it slip that it had been going on for almost 2 years, but they had only been living together for 7 months. In that 7 months, I had loaned her money, my DH had fixed her car, hauled trash to the landfill for her---all kinds of things. The absolute worst part was she put my DD and I into a couple of serious arguments. My Ex would call me and know things about my life that he should have had no way of knowing. My cancer, a dog we had got when we were together had died...that kind of thing. I ripped my DD---telling her I never questioned her about anything to do with her Dad and I did not want her telling him anything about my life---I felt she was violating my trust. She swore she didn't. Stupid me, I thought "who else?"---and let her know I didn't believe her. I will NEVER forgive her! I am lucky that my DD is as loving and understanding as she is, she forgive me!

Now fast forward 2 years, and he has left her for another woman he works with. the former friend calls my DD wondering if she thinks I will forgive her. She was told NO. So a couple of days later I am in Walmart when someone calls my name, and it is her Mom---she proceeds to tear into me, telling me how ungrateful I am for the years of friendship, and that her daughter is suicidal, and if she takes her life, she will blame me! I was horrified, and embarrassed---I did nothing except walk away from the friendship. I feel without trust you have nothing to base a friendship on, and we obviously have no trust. I would feel horrible if she were to take her own life---I cannot imagine it, she has 2 kids still in high school. But MY fault???

I thank God for my good friends still to this day---but I am always going to be more observant!

Friendship is a 2 way street.....but the way I see it, is any street occasionally needs construction, and is only a one way road. That is what is so wonderful about true friends, the give and the take. IF this friend had been honest about it, it would have changed the dynamics of the relationship, but I would have dealt with it better than the deceit!

I am so much better off with the EX friend---AND the EX husband!!!

Kat

[juliegeraci 7]

Kat, thanks for the post. She sure put you through a lot. I think after all the shock wears off I'll be able to take a fresh look at it. She wanted me to be totally honest about my affair, but when I was she became judgemental. I certainly don't need friends like that. I have some other friends that would never judge me.

[Jennifur 0]

I have a very good friend - who I met when I was 3. Because of my crazy relationship, she bailed on me because it was easier for her to not be around - I was not going to listen. We talked but not at all for 2 years and then it was chit chat, until I got pregnant, and we bonded again. That was 5 years ago, recently, she has something going on with her that she will not talk about and I feel her slipping away again. I really want to get together with her and have a farewell party to this old yucky me and she can't seem to get out of her house to do that.

Selfish, yes maybe, but I just love her to death and feel like it is important that we spend some serious quality time together - no matter how i get her out.

[Jennifur 0]

Kat

that is absolutely horrible. That entire situation could have been avoided if maybe she was upfront with you and said she met you Ex and was dating him. But that would be too simple!

I have learned something over the years, I know someone who is constantly (for 15years) saying she is going to kill herself... I think uses it as a tool. And my very best friend in the world who didn't seem to have any major problems and never said a word actually did kill himself.

It is guilt, and if she does, god forbid, you are definately not to blame and hold on to that. I took part of the responsibility for my friend and it ate me up for over a year and I only knew there was nothing I could do after months and months of therapy.

[Terrilen 0]

I am going thru the same sittuation right now. This girl was my dearest friend of 15 years or so I had thought. She called me one night as she always did but this time she basicly told me everything she hated about my life and how I was a disabled bipolar fat ass loser! I took that because I thought maybe she was just going thru a bad time and she was just taking it out on me...as usual. That was 2 months ago I started out calling leaving funny messages on her voice mail and the it just hurt too bad to be ignored. I had a fair amount of time on my hands to recall all the times I had truly needed her in the past and she was never there! Whenever she had a man her life it was as though I did not live on the same planet as her. When my Mom died I did not even recieve a card and she knew my Mom very well..that one I cannot forget! She has been my hairdresser all these years and I dread finding and PAYING a new one..ha! God has a way of removing unhealthy people from our lives for all the right reasons. We just have to patient to learn the lessons as they are sent!