Loss of a good friend by her choice

[juliegeraci 7]

Have you ever had a friend leave your life by their choice? I am a friend Charlotte who out of the blue doesn't want to speak to me again. We have been friends for 25 years. She keeps telling me that I haven't been there for her. I have no idea what is going on. I went back to email threads from months ago and there was no indication she was unhappy in the relationship. It is not my fault if I don't know what is going on in her head. I have tried everything. I have reached to her without avail. I am devastated to say the least. I just don't know what to do. I know my life has been hectic the last few years with 3 moves and some other personal stuff but she didn't seem to mind us talking about it when we would speak. I just have no idea where I went wrong. :cry

[tonya66 13]

Sounds like Charlotte has some depression issues, or something else is going on. Perhaps she is feeling a little jealous of your new banded life? Maybe you should send her a letter and explain what her friendship means to you and you would like to work out the difference, that is all you can do. She has to give some too. But at least you will know that you tried your best.

Sorry for your loss, I know good friends are hard to come by and losing one after 25 years would be difficult to handle.

[Josette 2]

I don't know what's going on in each of your lifes but maybe she feels like the friendship revolves more around what's going on with you and in your life then what's going on in hers? Maybe she doesn't feel she's getting equal time with her issues? I have no idea. I've been in your shoes though and I know it's hard. I haven't spoke nor seen my best friend since the third grade in a year now and we live 2 miles apart in the same small town. It's very painful.

[doubletrouble 0]

I had a best friend in high school and we stayed best friends for about ten years after. We talked to each other everyday and went out every weekend. One day I called her home and her mother answered the phone and she said that "Amy" moved out of there house yesterday and has her own home. I was floored that she had done this and never told me or anything. After that we talked every once in awhile. I asked her if there was something wrong and she denied that I did anything to her. Her sister married my brother so we see each other at family functions and we speak. However, we never got that "best friend" relationship back. My mom told me that somethimes people just grow out of friendships. I had to go on with my own life it has been about 15 yrs now. I still think about what happend and what went wrong. I finally came to the conclusion that we will never be friends like we were and I am using all of this energy up on something that I cannot change. I know have another best friend but I am leary because I was hurt so bad in the past. There is nothing I can tell you that will change what has happend except you need to go on with yout life. The ball is in her cornner and you can not make someone be your friend. Good Luck and God Bless.

[JulieNYC 4]

I had a close friend through childhood and college who broke off the friendship very suddenly. Turned out she had a mental break. She's not the same person now. It was completely psychiatric, but it was still really hard for me to accept. The last time I talked to her (something professional), which was a few years ago, she talked about our former friendship as if it was with someone else -- not with her. It's very strange.

I hope your friend is OK.

[Wheetsin 714]

I have not had someone vacate this way, but I have done it to others.

Ask her what's up.

If she answers, you'll have that much more information. If she doesn't, you can't do much other than move on. If something has happened and you continue to pursue it, you may only push her away that much faster.

If you already have asked and she hasn't replied, and you're sure she's getting the message, then let her know you're there is she needs you (if you want to), and move on from there.

[travelgirl 3]

I know my life has been hectic the last few years with 3 moves and some other personal stuff but she didn't seem to mind us talking about it when we would speak. I just have no idea where I went wrong. :cry

I have a friend who is so very dear to me who cannot seem to stop complaining about her life and the awful things happening to her long enough to even ask how I'm doing. I love her dearly, so it's very difficult to hear the things she's going through, because it hurts my heart. It is also hard to swallow when I'm going through something difficult, and try to reach out to her, only to have her run over me with more of her stuff. This is ongoing for a few years now. I know she doesn't mean to do it, she's a better friend than that, however, she does it without realizing she's doing it.

Just because your friend didn't SEEM to mind talking about your stuff when you spoke, doesn't mean she didn't feel wrung out by it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm hanging in there, because she really does have some awful stuff happening to her, and she needs a good friend, and I would never just walk away But here's where I'm coming from.... maybe your friend needed you, and you were too busy with your own stuff for her to feel like she was being heard?

I don't know if this is what's happening with you and your friend, but I thought this might give you a different perspective. Maybe she just needs time.... I don't know.

I hope things work out for you. :welldoneclap:

[juliegeraci 7]

Travelgirl, thanks for the different perspective. I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. She told me it has been going on for a few years. The only thing I can think of is we moved away from each other and we don't see each other very often, often communicating via email threads and such. At any rate, I appreciate your honesty. My only hope and prayer is that she will come to her senses soon.

[travelgirl 3]

Lol, is you REAL name Brenda by any chance? She moved away, too, and we talk mostly through e-mail and such, as well! Wait, I haven't abandoned my friend....it can't be you...

I really do hope things work out for you both. Hang in there!

[juliegeraci 7]

Nope, my name is definitey Julie. Funny how our stories are so familiar. Thanks for cheering me up today. I've been crying alot. I am devastated. I just hope she remember that while I may have not been "attentive" the last couple years....I was for 23 of them. Thanks.

[travelgirl 3]

Yeah, that's why I'm hangin in there. She's too good a friend to me (and has too much dirt on me) to just walk away from. Maybe your friend will start missing you, and come around.

[juliegeraci 7]

I really hope so. I wrote her an email on Sunday telling her how sorry I was for everything. I hope she can forgive me.

[TracyinKS 7]

Going through a heartwrenching divorce will REALLY, REALLY, REALLY weed out your true friends..... My life got crazy..... the two friends who stuck by me (even when I was doing STUPID things) will always have my love and devotion....... they were so glad when the real Tracy came back.

The friend who I lost....... well.. she isn't worth my time or effort and although we live about 5 minutes apart, I have not spoken to her in two years........ I know she is waiting for me to grovel, suck up, or shower her with attention, but it aint happening....

[dotofoz 0]

Well, I've been the "leaver" I guess you'd call it. I was friends w/a person from 5th grade 'til we were about 34. She'd call my husband a couple times a day and me at work. She also would get the goods on us from each other then start unneeded strife between him and I. I originally let it go in one ear and out the other, but when she sent my husband nude pictures via email that was it. He stopped talking to her as well as I and that was really about it, going on almost 2 years now. She was always telling me to leave him, then telling him to leave me. Even he said 'what do I have to offer her?' Well, DH and I are getting a divorce now (my choice) since I am done supporting him thru all of his 'crisis's', but I still don't need her advice. I think it was a competition thing, but at this point I have bigger fish to fry and realize that best revenge is happiness!

[synicalchick 0]

There was an email that went around a year or so ago about different types of friends, and of course, with my memory about the size of a gnat, I don't even come close to remembering exactly what it said but it was a little poem type thing..

some people are just there for a season

some people are just there for a ------- (longer period of time)

and then there are the others that are there for life.

It's an awesome poem and I'm sorry I can't remember it but it's so true. Not everyone is meant to be a permenant part of our lives and though it hurts like hades, we have to cut the strings and say goodbye and gleen what we can from the experience. I have had a couple of painful freind breakups in my life and some that just faded away but I do not regret any of them.

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. Love yourself and if it's meant to be, she will come back.

Tracy