Financial Infidelity & Husbands

[gonnabethin 10]

Anyone have a spouse making more money than owns up to?

What did you do?

I choose to confront and the lies started- I am currently PISSED!

I dont want the money- just dont lie about it or feel the need not to be to tell me.

If your a guy why would you lie?

[Elisabethsew 50]

I don't have that problem but trust is very important in a marriage. When you calm down, maybe you and your husband can have a civil conversation. The answers you desire can only come from him.

[gonnabethin 10]

I found a pay stub statement under the bedside table where the computer laptop gets thrown.

Im not sure what this means and the depth of the iceberg.

[smatyas 0]

Maybe he is saving money with what you didn't know about to purchase you that 30 day trek around the globe for a vacation.

On a more serious note: maybe he just wants extra money to himself. Now, how he has flown under the radar... That is the extraordinary thing. My wife demands to see my check stubs. (my pay fluctuates and she likes to save save save) I only get a measly $100 per pay period. That is my allowance.

[smatyas 0]

Did I mention that I would like more money to play with?

[Wheetsin 714]

By virtue of how our banking is set up, that would be pretty much impossible in my situation. DH told me early on that he wanted me to handle all financial aspects. He doesn't care what I spend on on what I spend it, as long as bills are paid and he has his toys. Of course, we consult on large purchases. Our checks are deposited into a joint acccount and it's pretty much mine from there. DH has a rough ballpark of what his annual salary is, but he couldn't tell you what he nets each month. He's never bothered to memorize the password for our online banking, and the only time he's accessed it in the last year was when I've called him to go look at something and had to tell him the password on the phone.

If he were lying about how much he made, honestly, I'd assume it was for a good reason. E.g. not wanting me to think he made more than me - maybe an ego issue or something (not that I would care, because he does make more than me). Or because he wanted to buy something that I wouldn't know about (in which case I'd assume it was a surprise for me, not assume it was anything bad).

Maybe your husband had good intentions, but then felt attacked when you questioned him so he became defensive. Not that guys ever do that, or that we ever make them feel that way. :paranoid

[enterprise01 0]

Anyone have a spouse making more money than owns up to?

What did you do?

I choose to confront and the lies started- I am currently PISSED!

I dont want the money- just dont lie about it or feel the need not to be to tell me.

If your a guy why would you lie?

This really hits close to home for me, but I'm the one who lies about how much money I make. Although we're not married, my boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years and share most expenses. Depending on how much overtime I make, I can bring home anywhere from 30 to 150% more than what he does. I don't want him to think I make more than he does, so I lie about it. I also lie about my Christmas bonus. I probably have a fear that if he knew I made more, he wouldn't be as generous toward me. In the past I've had boyfriends who really took advantage of me financially, so it's a very sore spot for me. Maybe your husband has similar issues and wants a little security. He might put his extra money in savings and doesn't want you to know about it because it gives him a sense of control as well as security. I hope you can talk to him about it without getting angry or being judgmental because some underlying fear may be at the root of all this.

[Marimaru 7]

I agree that it is possible that there is some underlying fear as a reason that he does this. That doesn't excuse lying about it when you found evidence and asked him about it. Especially since it seems to me that you found it by chance, not because you were snooping into his affairs.

My fiance and I work at the same place, and I manage payroll, so we would never have this problem, but my mom had signifigant issues with my dad and money before they got divorced and I've had some arguements with him about money, and he just will.not.see that it's not about the money. It's about the lies and the sneakyness. Our problem was the opposite, that we should have had money we didn't have because he was spending it *somewhere*. In counceling I've discovered that his behavior looks more and more like an addiction of some sort, but I can't even begin to imagine what it could be.

Anyhow, I don't mean to go against the other posts of people saying to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I believe you should to begin with, but money troubles can become large, and it's not about the *money*.

[mousecrazy 2]

My take on it is that the "money" is a symptom of something else, mainly a lack of communication and trust. Admittedly, I don't have near enough info to really delve into it, but if you two do not know everything there is to know about your finances, it would seem that there is not the "we are working together as a team" aspect going on.

Why? Only you and your DH can answer that one.

I'm sorry you have been blind-sided...do you choose not to participate in the finances of the family, like checking account balances, bill paying, saving, etc.? If you do not currently do any of this, ask to start.

[dotofoz 0]

My lying DH did the opposite, went drinking when he was supposed to be working, needless to say we're in the midst of a divorce. This went on and off for the last 6-7 years and I'm done. I'm sick of the fact that he's constantly lied to me. Oh, I'm also losing my house to forclosure too b/c of him. Cut your losses like I should of a long time ago. Sorry I'm so negative, but I've had it w/being lied to and financially drained by him and all his 'excuses'. We have a four old son and I refuse to let my son think that it's OK not to work, period. Good luck to you!

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I have to admit that I lie to Tina about our money.

She is afraid of going broke, but money in bank accounts barely gets more interest than inflation eats away, and by the time you pay tax on the interest, you break even for the year.

I have it set up so that my accounts are joint, and her accounts are hers.

I did it that way so that she would feel confident that she had something, no matter how badly I screwed up.

She is afraid to make monetary decisions, so I always used to make them by myself and she would get angry, so now I say, "Do you think I should buy 500 shares of Verizon or 600 of GM?" She asks a few questions and then says, "Do what you think is best."

We have a successful marriage, because we each found out what we do best and we do it without interference from the other, but we discuss it and there is no topic that is taboo.

Oh, my lies: I don't mention to her when the market takes a big dip like it did a few weeks ago or when it has a big day like today. Panic selling and manic buying are the best ways to lose your shirt IMHO.

[BJean 16]

It is about the money. It is also about the betrayal. What lies beneath the deception is very important. It can be something very understandable, like he thinks he works hard and deserves to have some spending money that he doesn't have to account for. Or it could be something that is undermining the relationship. I don't blame you for being angry, but before I would go postal on him, I would try my very level best to put myself in his place and understand what motivated him to do it. Of course that calls for a "come clean" confession on his part. If you expect him to be totally honest, you must make him feel that if he is totally honest with you, that you won't turn around and punish him for it.

[BJean 16]

TOM if you're able to invest in stock like that, it's no wonder Tina leaves it in your hands.

[sophrosyne 0]

I have no idea what my husband makes, other than "more than me". He used to be ion charge of all the money, until I got fed up with having to beg for every dime. So I went and opened my own account and deposited my paychecks into it. That almost took us into divorce court. He's very old-fashioned. (He's since gotten over it). Not old-fashioned enough to let me stay home and raise my baby, unfortunately. :phanvan

Whatever happened to husbands that believed they should support the family while the wife raises the children? Sigh.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I have no idea what my husband makes, other than "more than me". He used to be ion charge of all the money, until I got fed up with having to beg for every dime. So I went and opened my own account and deposited my paychecks into it. That almost took us into divorce court. He's very old-fashioned. (He's since gotten over it). Not old-fashioned enough to let me stay home and raise my baby, unfortunately. :phanvan

Whatever happened to husbands that believed they should support the family while the wife raises the children? Sigh.

That is what I did.