Hi, I'm Rj and i am not who I used to be!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I just got a like from a fellow sleever on one of my earlier posts I made early in 2012....I went back to read it myself and wow....The confidence and resolve I had at the time was unbelievable!

I was not going to take any prisoners you know....Had a mind set of WLS and was going forward to the completion of a new and improved me....All the struggles I have had over the years of being obese and being laughed at and looked at and made to feel like I was not worth the dirt below peoples feet.. Brought me to this place in my life...

I knew that I was on a downward spiral and also knew that I was headed for a wheel chair or death...i could barely function due to a fall I had a few years before...I was in a desperate place and needed assistance so badly...I was on my way and there was no stopping me. Sorta like a freight train out of control...In my mind I felt that no matter what I would conform to the "normal".

I made sure that only a few knew what I decided to do and they were all supportive....And off I went to do what I so desperately needed done...I was so excited and could not wait to start my new journey..With the wait and see the new me world and **** you!

As some of you know it did not happen that way!!!!!

Fast forward a year and the new me is not the person I had hoped she would be...She is still scared and hurting and working continuously to over come all the set backs I have had over the last year....

My entire world turned upside down and everyone that I thought were my true friends abandoned me and my family. No one was the same right down to the medical personal that I was going to on a regular basis before the surgery...It was as if everyone became strangers and no longer knew me....I was thrown into some kind of warp..And to this day do not understand how I got here....

I am alone in this as there is no one in my area that has come forward to talk to me about all of what they have experienced and maybe we could have encouraged each other I don't know...It's possible that they don't want anyone to know either so I am on my own here...

I really am having trouble dealing with the "new me" and all that it has dished out...I cry at the drop of a hat mourning my old life with friends..I did not know any better back then that they were not real....It was truly like I had died a slow and painful death...One that i am reminded of daily as I struggle with the new complications that came from my decision a year ago....

I will never truly understand all the things that has happened over the year as it was out of my control...and I don't think I will ever get a real handle on WLS as well...There are to many facets to it to be able to fix it all...Hence a life long change...

I am grateful for this forum even though sometimes I zig when I should zag and get attitude.....It has been a forum for me to express my long and difficult journey and changes in my world...

Yes I am smaller, yes I can do much more...Have I gone out and searched for a new life?..Nope! Can't trust it yet. Will I ever get over all that has happened to me? Don't know!

I want to thank everyone that has followed my experience and have been so positive and encouraging to me...

I am glad I did it and would experience it all again for the trade. But I had no idea that this would totally throw my life into chaos and make me a completely different person...That I will never be the same that truly, undeniably the past me did die when I had the complications of WLS

Thank you for hearing me out...

How has your life changed? Please share with me!!!!!!!

[McButterpants 2,846]

Beautifully written, RJ. I always enjoy your posts. This is a great topic and I can't wait to read the responses!

Though I am still new to this journey (sleeved just over 5 weeks ago), I can already see changes...some good, some bad.

I have discovered I am not a patient person - sometimes I don't want to take 20-30 minutes to eat a meal and I am not losing weight as fast as I want to or as fast as I perceive other people are losing (comparing yourself to others is bad, I know).

I discovered my husband has a lot more compassion than I gave credit. He has been my rock during the past 6 weeks.

I have discovered that with every pound I lose, I become more accountable - more accountable for time I spend sitting on my ass not doing anything. There is a bigger expectation for me to participate in my own life - I wanted this, but now it's a reality.

I discovered I wasn't truly prepared for the post-op journey - I really thought my biggest obstacle would be to get myself to the gym to work out. I was not prepared for the emotional toll this journey has already taken.

I discovered that a 40 pound weight loss doesn't necessarily mean people will notice (no one has..someone commented on my hair this weekend, I think they are noticing something changed about me, but cannot pinpoint it).

I discovered that I have underlying issues with food that I haven't addressed ever in my adult life and I need to address them now.

I have discovered I am still the same person when I wake up in the morning. My attitudes, thoughts and feelings are the same - I think I thought it would be all sunshine and lollipops after I had the surgery and started to lose weight.

I discovered I am still fearful when I pull on my jeans that 6 weeks ago were really tight and I had to lay down on the bed to get them zipped up. I still have that fear that I won't be able to get them on, even though the last time I wore them they practically fell off my body.

[gamergirl 4,610]

RJ I love reading your posts so really glad you're sharing more on the forum over the last few weeks. I am not far enough out for my life to have changed that much so I can't add too much to your post.

All I know is, I discovered I was a carb addict, that I really wish I had controlled that before I got sleeved. I don't believe in regrets, but I do wonder if that would have made a difference in my body and in my health if I had given up my sugar and carb habit before resorting to surgery. But it took surgery and the pre-op to make me recognize that, so I put it down the fact that the Universe unfolds the way it should, not according to my plan.

And I already knew I wasn't a patient person so no news there My friend tells me that I have all the patience I was born with--because I've never used any of it since then!

But I do realize how often that lack of patience sabotaged my weight loss efforts because I used to just quit when I didn't get the results I wanted. This time, not only is that not really possible, but I also refuse to quit.

[Roo101769 742]

Oh RJ and McButterpants, I totally do get where you are coming from. Not that I have experienced anything near what you have RJ. ( I thank God for me and say prayers for you) But the mind I was in pre op is a lot different than my post op mind. I am still happy I had the surgery. I am glad I have the chance to change my self in a way I need. But I have struggled with "old brain" lately. I want to eat as I have, which I cannot. I eat too fast and I have mindlessly put things in my mouth. I will be the first to admit I was not as prepared for the holidays ( mentally and emotionally) as I had hoped I would be. I have been tempted, and have given in to temptation. Do I eat crap every meal? No. I do try to maintain my focus on lean Protein first. But some sliders have slid by. Enough to set off a fairly "good" bought of diarrhea. ( Seeing the glass as half full I will have to say it cured some Constipation issues I was having) I had to hit the reset button and get myself back in check. The thing is I have not been as strong mentally as I thought I was. I did my research. I could talk the talk. But walking the walk has been more difficult than I ever gave credit to. I am not giving up or giving in. Everyday I have the chance to do what I know I need to...RJ, I think you suffer from PTSD. I am not trained in any way to feel this, but what you have gone through certainly more than qualifies you I think. I really hope one day soon you find what you need to be better able to cope with your new world. To me you seem like an awesome person deserving of an awesome life!

[Indigo1991 1,612]

RJ, you know how much I admire you and the way you have coped - and continue to cope - with what has happened over the last year. But you can't see yourself the way I think the rest of us see you - you are still strong and determined. But that's now tempered with experiences that you didn't expect and shouldn't have had to go through.

Physically, you have been through the mill. Thats tough enough but the hurt of finding out that the people you thought were friends really weren't, that would have shaken each of us to the core. You question whether you will get over that and the other things that have happened.

Simple answer is - you will. You're not the same person and that's ok. In time, this new post-wls life will become exciting. You can now choose how to live today and tomorrow, not how you lived in the past. You will make new friends, who you will trust and love because not everyone is out to betray you. As your health improves, you will want to get your little self out there and meet new people.

Trust me, it's weird but it happens when you least expect it. Have had so much sh1t in recent years (luckily no near death experiences tho), didn't have a big enough shovel. So when I couldn't shovel any more, I decided to leave the crap behind and stop beating myself up by raking it over. Painful, difficult but by persevering, I am making progress, having fun - and surprising myself by being happier than I could ever have imagined. This WLS has a lot to answer for, making folk happy :-)))))

The people who did what they did to you aren't worthy of having you as a friend. It is their loss, our gain. And I promise your life will blossom, just give it a chance and a bit more time xx

Edited December 23, 2013 by Indigo1991

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Beautifully written, RJ. I always enjoy your posts. This is a great topic and I can't wait to read the responses!

Though I am still new to this journey (sleeved just over 5 weeks ago), I can already see changes...some good, some bad.

I have discovered I am not a patient person - sometimes I don't want to take 20-30 minutes to eat a meal and I am not losing weight as fast as I want to or as fast as I perceive other people are losing (comparing yourself to others is bad, I know).

I discovered my husband has a lot more compassion than I gave credit. He has been my rock during the past 6 weeks.

I have discovered that with every pound I lose, I become more accountable - more accountable for time I spend sitting on my ass not doing anything. There is a bigger expectation for me to participate in my own life - I wanted this, but now it's a reality.

I discovered I wasn't truly prepared for the post-op journey - I really thought my biggest obstacle would be to get myself to the gym to work out. I was not prepared for the emotional toll this journey has already taken.

I discovered that a 40 pound weight loss doesn't necessarily mean people will notice (no one has..someone commented on my hair this weekend, I think they are noticing something changed about me, but cannot pinpoint it).

I discovered that I have underlying issues with food that I haven't addressed ever in my adult life and I need to address them now.

I have discovered I am still the same person when I wake up in the morning. My attitudes, thoughts and feelings are the same - I think I thought it would be all sunshine and lollipops after I had the surgery and started to lose weight.

I discovered I am still fearful when I pull on my jeans that 6 weeks ago were really tight and I had to lay down on the bed to get them zipped up. I still have that fear that I won't be able to get them on, even though the last time I wore them they practically fell off my body.

You sound a little like me...sorry that you are struggling as well..I know that we will find our way out of this paper bag someday and see that at no matter what coast we did the right thing for us...I admire you so much for your words of wisdom on this forum and honesty. I believe that you cannot help people unless you keep it real. And you do kid!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Oh RJ and McButterpants, I totally do get where you are coming from. Not that I have experienced anything near what you have RJ. ( I thank God for me and say prayers for you) But the mind I was in pre op is a lot different than my post op mind. I am still happy I had the surgery. I am glad I have the chance to change my self in a way I need. But I have struggled with "old brain" lately. I want to eat as I have, which I cannot. I eat too fast and I have mindlessly put things in my mouth. I will be the first to admit I was not as prepared for the holidays ( mentally and emotionally) as I had hoped I would be. I have been tempted, and have given in to temptation. Do I eat crap every meal? No. I do try to maintain my focus on lean Protein first. But some sliders have slid by. Enough to set off a fairly "good" bought of diarrhea. ( Seeing the glass as half full I will have to say it cured some Constipation issues I was having) I had to hit the reset button and get myself back in check. The thing is I have not been as strong mentally as I thought I was. I did my research. I could talk the talk. But walking the walk has been more difficult than I ever gave credit to. I am not giving up or giving in. Everyday I have the chance to do what I know I need to...RJ, I think you suffer from PTSD. I am not trained in any way to feel this, but what you have gone through certainly more than qualifies you I think. I really hope one day soon you find what you need to be better able to cope with your new world. To me you seem like an awesome person deserving of an awesome life!

Yes I know I have PTSD so does my daughter and my hubby. They are treating mine with the usual depression meds....Nothing different..I am doing the work a lone and trying to come out of the darkness into the light of all of this......Thank you for your kind words!!!!!!!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

RJ, you know how much I admire you and the way you have coped - and continue to cope - with what has happened over the last year. But you can't see yourself the way I think the rest of us see you - you are still strong and determined. But that's now tempered with experiences that you didn't expect and shouldn't have had to go through.

Physically, you have been through the mill. Thats tough enough but the hurt of finding out that the people you thought were friends really weren't, that would have shaken each of us to the core. You question whether you will get over that and the other things that have happened.

Simple answer is - you will. You're not the same person and that's ok. In time, this new post-wls life will become exciting. You can now choose how to live today and tomorrow, not how you lived in the past. You will make new friends, who you will trust and love because not everyone is out to betray you. As your health improves, you will want to get your little self out there and meet new people.

Trust me, it's weird but it happens when you least expect it. Have had so much sh1t in recent years (luckily no near death experiences tho), didn't have a big enough shovel. So when I couldn't shovel any more, I decided to leave the crap behind and stop beating myself up by raking it over. Painful, difficult but by persevering, I am making progress, having fun - and surprising myself by being happier than I could ever have imagined. This WLS has a lot to answer for, making folk happy :-)))))

The people who did what they did to you aren't worthy of having you as a friend. It is their loss, our gain. And I promise your life will blossom, just give it a chance and a bit more time xx

I am so excited for you that your life has taken a happier and favorable turn of events....You deserve to be happy and living life to the fullest....You are an example to me for when it is the time for me to take a deep breath and jump into a new world myself......It will happen I promise...Just not right now!!!! You know.....I really appreciate you and your thoughts and especially your kindness.....

[Indigo1991 1,612]

We all have our "right time" - and you will know when yours comes along, RJ You deserve better and it will come.... X

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

We all have our "right time" - and you will know when yours comes along, RJ You deserve better and it will come.... X

Still waiting kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Lol, I know, seems a ridiculous thing to say to you after all you have been through - but it will come. Just get yourself ready :-)

If you told me three years and four months ago I would feel the way I do today, I wouldn't have laughed, I would have sighed and gone back to bed. I was on my knees and couldn't see a way out or a way ahead. Every day, despite not really believing it to begin with I used to wake up and chant "this too will pass". Gradually, day by day, degree by degree, little things changed, which built into bigger things and the scales started to tip back in my favour. Life's still not perfect but I cam cope with it now - and I am happy, which throws a different light on everything.

So I can see where you are and just offer a little reassurance that your life isn't fixed, it can move forward - and I know it will x

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Lol, I know, seems a ridiculous thing to say to you after all you have been through - but it will come. Just get yourself ready :-)

If you told me three years and four months ago I would feel the way I do today, I wouldn't have laughed, I would have sighed and gone back to bed. I was on my knees and couldn't see a way out or a way ahead. Every day, despite not really believing it to begin with I used to wake up and chant "this too will pass". Gradually, day by day, degree by degree, little things changed, which built into bigger things and the scales started to tip back in my favour. Life's still not perfect but I cam cope with it now - and I am happy, which throws a different light on everything.

So I can see where you are and just offer a little reassurance that your life isn't fixed, it can move forward - and I know it will x

Thank you, I hope you are right!

[Indigo1991 1,612]

According to my ex- husband, I was always right ???? x