3 Years Out...Disillusioned, frightened and ashamed-Any takers?

[ABP 0]

Hello, all. I'm a 3 year band veteran and new to this site...judging from my current prediciment, I would've done well to find this site years ago. Hold on to your hats...this is going to take a while...

I was banded by Dr. Santiago Horgan in Chicago in Feb. 2004. I have not kept vigilant track of my loss, or my fills/unfills as most people seem to on this site. I did however, have amazing results of weight loss in the first year or so. I began somewhere around 308 and was down to 209 within a year. Couldn't ever make it past the 100 mark. (I am now 29 years old and have lost and gained significant amounts of weight prior to the band. Numerous times. In fact, I had an abdominoplasty and Lipo in various areas following a significant loss. I proceeded to gain over 100 lbs. over the course of the next year. Just to give you an idea of my classic yo-yo syndrome.) I was extremely faithful in my exercise program and in my eating habits for about a year and a half following being banded; however, I threw up ALL THE TIME, on a very regular basis, even with just liquids and I don't mean literal vomiting, but "PB'ing" as I've come to learn it is called on this site. My weight loss was going so well, I chose to just accept it. My weight loss slowed after about 18 months...and at this point, I'm positive the scale is going in the wrong direction, I'm just too ashamed to look. I've only had about 3 or 4 adjustments over the course of the now 3 years of having the lap band, but have no idea as to how many ccs, I don't even know what band I have, specifically. I suppose these are things I should be more aware of. The last time, (which I'm estimating was 6 months ago if not longer) I saw my surgeon, I had an "un-fill", because I had completely stopped losing weight and finally owned up to the truth about my "PB'ing" and evidently my pouch had stretched out? (I don't know that that is the correct terminology). I went back in 2 wks later for an adjustment. I have not been back since. (Let me clarify, I was a self-pay and every time I walk in the door of my surgeon's office I'm spending $250). Since then I have not had the problem with the PB'ing barring a few exceptions, like when I tried to eat more than I should. The truth is, I eat Soup and soft foods. And I most definitely, on a regular basis exceed the 4 oz. that my pouch should sufficiently hold. I don't even try to eat things like meat or bread. They don't even exist in my vocabulary.

I have for at least 3 months lived with pretty acute pain in my upper abdominal region. I have chosen not to address it, because I am so ashamed, as I, at one time, was a "star patient" and now I have failed, yet again. (Unfotunately the shame goes far deeper than that). I am beginning to rapidly gain weight again at this point. I just decided to start researching and found this web site. I have finally called my surgeon and admitted my failure and told him what has been going on, in particular, the pain I've consistently had now for quite some time. Now that I have admitted this, the pain is quite more apparent. I will be seeing my surgeon (actally, Dr. Horgan has left the practice, however, he had a team of surgeons with him who have continued the practice). I spoke to him yesterday and he seems confident that I simply need to have the band deflated for a few weeks. I, however, after perusing many of the threads on this site fear major complications such as erosion or slippage. I don't have the reflux, as I have taken nexium for about 10 years (but if I don't take it, the reflux is constant and unrelenting). I am extremely frightened and am feeling so, so utterly ashamed of my failure and neglect and I hate that I know I will be made to feel even worse when I do go in on Wednesday, but I fear my health may be in jeopardy at this point, so I have no choice. I'm curious what you would do in my situation. I feel like an Upper GI is necessary, but I know that my doctor is simply going to do a barium swallow under fluoroscopy, deflate the band and send me on my way, to return for an adjustment in a few weeks. Should I be demanding an Upper GI? I have also requested a referral to a psychiatrist and will soon be seeing one who is also a patient himself. (I was req'd to see a therapist for 6 months prior to my surgery, and continued for about a year). I apologize, as brevity is not my stong suit, but would greatly appreciate any advice you may have.

Thanks very much.

ABP

[Tigger 0]

I think you need to up front and honest with your doctor- I too went through somewhat of a similar situation. I was doing great losing weight (a lot of people told me I was too thin!) However, I wasn't honest with myself- I didn't feel good, I was tired, dizzy, headaches, etc. I also had terrible heartburn and aweful burps! A friend asked if I might be anemic because I was always chewing ice so I searched the Internet on the symptoms- well, I had all of them! I finally made an appointment and told the doctor my symptoms and told the doctor I thought I may be anemic- he all but blew me off about it but gave me some orders to have my blood drawn and I was set to have a Barrium swallow under floroscopy the next Friday (I went on a Tuesday). I went to get my bloodwork done on Friday of the same week as he told me I needed to have it taken 4 days prior to the procedure. Well, this was the 9th, on the 10th (Saturday) my doctor called me and asked if I was feeling ok, if I had passed out, blood in my stools, vomited blood, etc. Long story short, I am severly anemic- the hemoglobin levels should be between 12-15, mine were 6.2, apparently, anything under 8 should have a blood transfusion and under 6 is at risk for heart failure. The doctor was in a panic and totally freaked out that I was that anemic. I ended up requiring a endoscopy, colonoscopy and a barrium swallow to see if there are other issues, thankfully, the anemia is the biggest problem but I do have terrible acid reflux and a heital hernia. I did not realize how bad I felt until I started feeling better! So point being, don't wait to be put in the hospital, tell your doctor everything- he can't help if he doesn't know- you're not hurting anyone but yourself- and that's the worst one to hurt!

[ABP 0]

Thanks very much, Jack and Tigger for your replies. I'm actually quite encouraged just having found this site! I should have done it LONG ago, as clearly I could've used the support all along! I know that there are so many people who have gone through and are going through the same feelings of despair, self-loathing and fear that I am and it's great to have a forum like this. I absolutely, without a doubt, plan to rededicate myself...to myself.

Cheers to you both.

ABP

[Betsyjane 2]

Oh, we are all so good at the self loathing thing related to food, ain't we? This time around, think of it as your body you are advocating for and don't hesitate to get those Drs. involved as your aprtners in this. (Or maybe some cheaper ones.....!!!!)

[waterlily1072 5]

Welcome I'm glad you found us! This site is a wealth of knowledge, support and at time tough love. While you wiat for your doctors visit, take the time to write out your concerns for him so that you are sure not to forget a detail that might be very important! Once you have done that, just relax because there is nothing more you can do till you see him and have any tests that he orders. Remember this, the odds are in your favor that there is nothing too seriously wrong. This site can often have inflated numbers of difficulties to report as so many that don't have problems never seek out a forum like this. So don't panic.

[Alexandra 55]

ABP, you are very much NOT alone in what you're going through, and you're taking the right steps to address it. I'm 3+ years out and have had symptoms on and off for the last year, so maybe my experience can help. I'm in close touch with my doctors, and had an endoscopy last year because I really thought I had an ulcer or something horrible going on due to all the pain.

The endoscopy showed just a really inflamed esophagus, and they took out all my fill and put me on Prevacid. I waited several months before going in for another adjustment (not two weeks--that's nuts), and then had only a tiny bit put in. A month later my symptoms were back, so I had the fill removed again. Another four months go by, I had an even tinier fill replaced, and now three months later I'm having reflux and some occasional pain.

My next test is an upper GI (which is a barium swallow under fluoroscopy) and at that time they'll probably remove the fill. If that doesn't relieve my symptoms, or if they come back, I will then see what my options are. The most important thing is to retain my health, and maintain the weight loss I have achieved. But I have to face the fact that my band may not be there forever to help me do that. And if it's not, I must have faith and determination in myself to make it happen.

We know how to do it--we did it. Take control of your health, and that means first and foremost finding out what's going on with your band and your innards. Please don't be ashamed--this was not just another diet; it was a medical device implanted in your body and it's unsafe to just ignore its condition if you have symptoms or pain.

Please keep us posted! Thanks for sharing and I'm so glad you found us. We'll probably have a lot to talk about in the next few months.

[ABP 0]

Thanks, again, everyone for replying with all of your encouragement. I have a question-

Is a barium swallow under fluoroscopy the same thing as an Upper GI? Each time I have gone to see my surgeon, I do a barium swallow under fluoroscopy to determine whether or not I need an adjustment (and if you read my earlier novel, you know that over the course of 3 years I think I've only had maybe 3 or 4 adjustments). I'm definitely thinking the pain I've been experiencing over the past few months warrants a little further exploration. Is it an endoscopy that I should ask for that could determine whether or not there has truly been a slip or erosion? I'm just concerned that I will just quietly acquiesce and let them do what they do, and that is adjust the band and I'm on my own again...

Thanks, again and best to all.

ABP:)

[Alexandra 55]

The fluoroscopy with barium test is what my surgeons refer to as an upper GI test. It can diagnose a slippage or pouch/esophagus dilation. They can assess your restriction and confirm the position of the band. It really tells them a lot, which is great for us because it's such a simple procedure. Definitely have this done first, because it can settle some questions. You should probably have all your fill taken out at the same time, and then let it be WAY MORE than a couple of weeks before you have any more put in. If ever.

Endoscopy is required to diagnose erosion, and it may be necessary if they don't see clear answers under the fluoroscope. But to be honest, most cases of erosion I've heard of didn't involve pain of any kind, and there was usually a lessening of restrction if anything.

[ABP 0]

In all of these threads that I have been reading I am finding that a lot of people have adjustments without the barium swallow under fluoroscopy. How is that done? How, without the swallow can it be determined how much or how little restriction one has? My surgeons require it every time I walk in the door. You can't get any sort of adjustment without it. Do some surgeons just enter blindly, fishing around for the port and hope they hit it with the right amount?

[Elisabethsew 50]

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss. Keeping ANY weight off for a significant amount of time is wonderful. Secondly, it's good you're going to see a therapist to deal with perfectionist issues.

As an RN, I can tell you that MDs appreciate honesty from patients because it makes their lives a lot easier and it makes developing a plan of care more accurate and appropriate. You are the only one to bend the band rules or stray and your MD will not look down on you. Tell the MD all that's been going on, what you want in the way of testing, and then TOGETHER you'll get YOU back on the road to health.

[AngieM 0]

You should tell your doc exatly what you want. They after all do work for you. Please keep us updated. I am about 18 months out and find myself slipping into the same patterns as you have. You are SOOO not alone. We hare here to help eachother not judge. Thanks for posting! Let me know how things go for you...

[Kat817 19]

My Dr. has filled me both ways, with fluoroscopy and without. Without it, he didn't just fish around blindly---he physically located my port by feel. He had seen it before in the first fill under fluoro- when he located it, he marked the place. Then he draped me, then swabbed the betadine or whatever it is on me, and inserted the needle, he then withdrew all my fill....made sure we were within a reasonable amount close to what we knew my previous fill to be. Then he re-filled me adding a half a cc. We made sure I could drink without issue, and I was on my way. On liquids for 3 days. I have the option of requesting all fills be done with fluoro---but since I am self pay as well, and using a different surgeon for fills than did my surgery, they DO cost more. He did my SIL's without issue without fluoro, so I opted to try it. I don't think I would have done it the first time---nor would I do it every time, I like seeing that all is well!!! In fact those are the only 2 fills I have had, and since it has been over 7 months, and I still don't need another, when I do decide to get another, I will request flouro, just because it has been so long!

Your story is one of the great things about banding. If you find out that all is well, you can begin the fill process as needed, and jump back on the bandwagon---it is in there waiting! If you need it unfilled for awhile, you can do that---and work harder at remembering your band eating rules, and control the amount of weight you may regain. Plus it is going to be much easier to get some exercise in, with the 100 pounds you lost gone!

All hope is not lost----you are doing exactly what I would, see the Dr. be totally honest with him. Finding someone to talk to---and coming here for support, and someone to vent to that knows all about the highs and lows of banded life!

We are glad you found the site, and hope we can help you as you work through these issues!!!

Welcome!!!

Kat

[juliegeraci 7]

ABP, you are very courageous to tell us exactly what has been going on with you. The beauty of the band is we can always get back on track. Put the past behind you. We always make mistakes, I know I have. Meet with your surgeon and let him know you would like an upper GI and see what he says. It will not hurt. In the meantime, try and eat like a bandster no more than the allottment and you should be okay. You will be on the losing track again now. Oh and BTW, it might be time to get yourself a digital scale. You need to be accountable. Good luck.

[terrriho 0]

ABP, you have obviously already taken steps to improve your situation and you have gotten a lot of good advice here. I have just a little different perspective I would like to share. At my age I have come to realize I need to take care of my health if I want to enjoy retirement and mimimize the affects of aging. We only have one body and it is important to take care of it. (Most of us are here because we recognize obesity is sapping our health and energy and we want to change that.) I am glad to hear you are going to see your doctor and hope you have nothing significant to correct. Don't worry about what you haven't done, you can't change that, just focus on today and the future and the changes that you can make.

Good Journey,

Terri

[jlynn 0]

I love that ABP was so honest...you hear of complications and issues and everything...it's just great to hear, that I'm not the only one who, along w/ having my stomach banded, feels like I need my brain banded. I am not restricted right now, I have what they think is a leak....and it's HARD not to have those old feelings come back...like if I can eat, I will. It's sick and shameful, and as my pants get tighter, I disgrace myself. It feels like I've come this far, and now that I have to do it on my own, I can't?? WHAT? I'm not a whimp, and I know what it takes to do it, but why is food so stupidly strong??? AHHH...Drives me nuts....I think about it almost every minute of the day, then proceed to eat something junky...I just don't get my own self....I think I psychiatrist was a great idea.....I might have to think about doing that myself....I think it all starts w/ the addiction I have....