Never Knew An Addict Lived Here

[laffypatty 47]

This post may be an eye opener for some. I'm writing it nearly as a confession because I don't know that there's anyone I'd actually feel comfortable sharing this with. More to come on that. Here's some background: Tomorrow marks 12 weeks since I was sleeved. I'm down about 30 pounds, so I suppose I'm a slow loser. I'm okay with that. I've lost fast many times before and gained it back just as quickly. Before surgery, I'd shake my head, never quite understanding how I let my weight get so out of hand. I've gained and lost 500 pounds since 1999. That's no exaggeration. My own husband would tell me things like, "We live together. I see what you eat." What I've realized since surgery is he never saw what I ate when I was alone. Here's where the confession comes in. I've learned, since surgery, that I'm a closet eater. I'm sure there's a clinical term for it that I'm not aware of. It didn't happen during those first few weeks post surgery when it's nearly impossible to eat, but now that I'm feeling better, I catch myself doing it all the time. When I get home from work, before my husband gets in, I'll run straight for the panty and eat the first thing I see; it may only be a bite or two but we all know bites add up and it's the nibbling that kills us. I sneak bites of forbidden foods anytime I'm alone. I NEVER do it when I'm eating with others but when left to my own devices, I'm a mess. I actually traced this behavior back to my childhood and adolescence and that's what prompted this post. I had a vivid memory that just came to me. When I was 15, I had right ankle surgery 10 days before Christmas. Not long after I returned from the hospital, while on crutches, I hobbled my way to the kitchen and ate cold chocolate cake and other yummy confections and holiday foods straight out the fridge with my foot propped up on the trash can. How pathetic is that! I remember chugging food as fast as I could before my mom got home and blaming the missing food on my brother and stepdad. Fast forward to tonight. My husband is out of town on business. I just vomited because I ate a handful of tortilla chips and some disgusting canned cheese dip. I often vomit when I eat this way because I do it so fast - so I don't get caught. This is so embarrassing. I write this full of shame. There are days that I want no junk whatsoever; my self-control is steel. The sleeve has certainly helped my binges. Then there are days like today when I nibble on Goldfish and Ritz Bits when no one is watching. I've got to get a handle on this! Anyone can relate? Nuggets of wisdom to share? Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

HW 262

SW 239

CW 210

GW 170

Edited December 9, 2013 by laffypatty

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Laffy, well done you for being honest, honey.

You may want to have a look at this thread.. Its got it all there.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/286081-enabling/

Wishing you the best of luck. I know it's not easy, but least you're here, owning it.

-x-

[Momonanomo 534]

I relate. I'm almost 7 months post surgery, and I still find myself planning a binge when I know my husband is going to be away. So far I havent actually done it, but the thought process is there and that obsession is part of the behavior. ANYways, last night I realized that addiction is secretive. We keep it a secret so we can keep doing it. So last night I told my husband how I used to buy junk every time I drove ANYwhere alone and ate it in the car, how every time I went to any store I got candy, how when he was away I would plan and execute a pig-out, and how I would hide the wrappers etc. He said he had found wrappers on occassion and had wondered....but he was glad I was sharing, because it shows I really want these changes.

It was such a relief to admit it to him, and it was very liberating. For -if only just in that moment- i was able to feel more powerful than the food addiction. I expect this will be a life long struggle. But it felt good to admit it to him.

[laffypatty 47]

Thank you so much for sharing, Madam!

[laffypatty 47]

I relate. I'm almost 7 months post surgery, and I still find myself planning a binge when I know my husband is going to be away. So far I havent actually done it, but the thought process is there and that obsession is part of the behavior. ANYways, last night I realized that addiction is secretive. We keep it a secret so we can keep doing it. So last night I told my husband how I used to buy junk every time I drove ANYwhere alone and ate it in the car, how every time I went to any store I got candy, how when he was away I would plan and execute a pig-out, and how I would hide the wrappers etc. He said he had found wrappers on occassion and had wondered....but he was glad I was sharing, because it shows I really want these changes. It was such a relief to admit it to him, and it was very liberating. For -if only just in that moment- i was able to feel more powerful than the food addiction. I expect this will be a life long struggle. But it felt good to admit it to him.

Sorry you can relate, but glad to know I'm not alone. I feel so foolish for never realizing (HONESTLY, I never did!) that eating in secret was a problem. I feel so foolish just typing that. I consider myself one of the most mentally healthy people I know and then BAM!

[crowsnestmama 240]

Bringing this into the light will help you more than you know!

You have done an awesomely courageous thing, by getting this out there.

I certainly encourage you to take whatever steps you can to work through these issues (that you will find you are not alone in having), whether that is counseling, getting connected here...whatever.

Just don't think that you've failed and give up, because you haven't. You, dear one are one GIANT step closer to success for life!!!

[sueoco 509]

This post may be an eye opener for some. I'm writing it nearly as a confession because I don't know that there's anyone I'd actually feel comfortable sharing this with. More to come on that. Here's some background: Tomorrow marks 12 weeks since I was sleeved. I'm down about 30 pounds, so I suppose I'm a slow loser. I'm okay with that. I've lost fast many times before and gained it back just as quickly. Before surgery, I'd shake my head, never quite understanding how I let my weight get so out of hand. I've gained and lost 500 pounds since 1999. That's no exaggeration. My own husband would tell me things like, "We live together. I see what you eat." What I've realized since surgery is he never saw what I ate when I was alone. Here's where the confession comes in. I've learned, since surgery, that I'm a closet eater. I'm sure there's a clinical term for it that I'm not aware of. It didn't happen during those first few weeks post surgery when it's nearly impossible to eat, but now that I'm feeling better, I catch myself doing it all the time. When I get home from work, before my husband gets in, I'll run straight for the panty and eat the first thing I see; it may only be a bite or two but we all know bites add up and it's the nibbling that kills us. I sneak bites of forbidden foods anytime I'm alone. I NEVER do it when I'm eating with others but when left to my own devices, I'm a mess. I actually traced this behavior back to my childhood and adolescence and that's what prompted this post. I had a vivid memory that just came to me. When I was 15, I had right ankle surgery 10 days before Christmas. Not long after I returned from the hospital, while on crutches, I hobbled my way to the kitchen and ate cold chocolate cake and other yummy confections and holiday foods straight out the fridge with my foot propped up on the trash can. How pathetic is that! I remember chugging food as fast as I could before my mom got home and blaming the missing food on my brother and stepdad. Fast forward to tonight. My husband is out of town on business. I just vomited because I ate a handful of tortilla chips and some disgusting canned cheese dip. I often vomit when I eat this way because I do it so fast - so I don't get caught. This is so embarrassing. I write this full of shame. There are days that I want no junk whatsoever; my self-control is steel. The sleeve has certainly helped my binges. Then there are days like today when I nibble on Goldfish and Ritz Bits when no one is watching. I've got to get a handle on this! Anyone can relate? Nuggets of wisdom to share? Thanks, and sorry for the long post.<br> HW 262<br> SW 239<br> CW 210<br> GW 170

hi laffypatty- I think you are going through a perfectly normal discovery about your eating behaviour that all of us have gone through at some point. It is all part of learning and this is why they call this op life changing. Don't feel shame...feel positive and glad that you have come to this realisation and learn each day how to cope with it. It sounds like you do have your good days so start to try and work out what triggers you on your bad days by stopping in the moment and really trying to get in touch with what you are feeling at that moment in time. I have learned this about myself (and I'm still learning) over the last 18 months 1/ I am also a secret eater 2/ I am a comfort eater 3/ I seek protection through food ( a protection eater?) The secret eater - I don't know how many chip bags and chocolate bars wrappers I buried deep in the garbage I the past - I have just learned to let it go and eat it in the open now - no such thing as "bad food" if you are meeting your nutritional needs first - remember this "real men do eat quiche and skinny people do eat desert! The comfort eater - I always reach for food if I am upset or stressed , the difference now is that I can no longer eat enough to get that nice warm cosy full feeling! You get the yucky sick feeling and possibly the actual sick! I have learned to stop, think, feel and take deep breaths, have a nice warm drink of tea (we drink tea in Australia like the English!) wand be kind to myself! The protective eater - this is the most worrying for me. Now that I am at goal (131lbs - 59kg) I have this feeling of vulnerability. I am now realising I ate to put a protective coating around myself i.e. a coating of fat! This appears to have been to protect myself but I am just not sure what from specifically. I am aware of this so this is a work in progress. Just look at your discovery/admission about yourself as your work in progress and keep working at it - you will get there! Please be kind to yourself - shame does nothing but paralyse you and stop you from learning.

Edited December 12, 2013 by sueoco

[laffypatty 47]

What's so funny is, ever since I "came clean" on this post, my eating has been so under control. I've been eating in plain sight and not hiding at all. My plain sight eating has caused me to eat far less than secret eating and the scale has been moving handsomely!! Feeling really good these days. Thank you all for the continued support. This forum, and the people who participate, rocks!

Edited December 29, 2013 by laffypatty

[Ballermom 803]

Thank you! LaffyPatty

For having the courage to discuss an issue that not only you have faced head on. But many of us came to the point of WLS because we've have (had) similar eating habits that led us here.

It's a continued struggle.

But the Sleeve is a tool that does works when we work it.

Congrats on your progress.

We are here to support each other.