Isn't It Weird....

[Jen35 283]

how people act around you after surgery and weight loss? I have a friend who is overweight (she's about 270 lbs). We've done weight watchers, etc. together and shared in our struggles to lose weight in the past. I was very open to her about my surgery and she said things like, "I would be terrified to do that", "It's so risky", "I don't think I could ever have surgery to lose weight". So I eventually stopped really talking about it with her. Now that I'm 6 months post surgery and down 80 pounds, I feel bad around her because EVERY time I see her, she brings up her weight and puts herself down. This week, we were talking about the kids and out of nowhere she says, "Wow, I really feel like an umpa loompa next to you." I don't ever bring up weight - she'll sometimes ask me how much I've lost or say how great I look, but it's usually followed by putting herself down. It makes me really uncomforatable, like the only thing she sees when she looks at me is my weight loss and her lack of weight loss. She has other friends who are really thin and always have been. Why does my surgery/weight loss define our friendship? It doesn't change who I am - it's just a physical characteristic.

[determaingirl84 12]

Hey I'm sorta in the same situation the friend that I thought was my friend wasn't supportive when I had my surgery I'm early in the surgery but I feel like it's always negativity about weight problems because she wants to lose weight too don't know how long we will be friends.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Yes, but it was something you bonded over. I have a good friend who was sleeved 4 months before me and was feeling very down about her progress about the same time I was sleeved. And I started feeling funny that I was losing quickly; percentage wise we're about the same loss now. Fortunately, she is the first to bring it up and talk about it and we have stayed close but I could easily see it driving a wedge or making things awkward if either of us was unwilling to go there.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

You are a mirror for her weight insecurities. Whether you feel you're capable and if you're a really good friend - you'll have to support her. Make her feel better about herself, counteract her self deprecation, cajole and soothe.. This, I fear, might have to be a permanent fixture in your friendship until she can conquer her own food demons..

Trust me - this isn't about you and your surgery. This is about her and sadly it will define your friendship until something gives..

Tough one. I wish you the best of luck x

[Beach Lover 1,084]

Like Fluffnomore said you have bonded with her on this issue. She actually sounds like a good friend who is sad at the loss of this bond and wishing terribly that she could have the surgery herself despite her initial reaction. I understand how she is feeling and how you are feeling as well. I hope your friendship holds up.

[EarthyGoalie 253]

I'm in the same situation with my mom. She is so proud of me and says all these encouraging things, but soon after she will say the most horrible things about herself and how she is such a pig and huge and nothing fits anymore and she hates herself. It makes me very sad because even though I'm happier, a part of me is sad because my mom isn't happy, and I can't do anything for her.... :-(

[MichiganChic 3,262]

This is more about her and less about you. You shared a common bond and problem, and before you found a way to succeed, she probably took comfort in a close friend who really understood how it felt to try, fail, and live with obesity. Now, your success is sort of in her face that there is a way to succeed, and maybe she feels alone. Many of know the self loathing that comes with obesity that's always with us, and can be triggered by external factors. Your first obligation is to yourself, but if she's been a good friend, maybe this is something you can discuss openly with her. It's tough spot for both of you.

[outwithbenjiboi 227]

She's feeling abandoned. You moved forward; she did not. That tension isn't going to ever go away. Don't stop talking about your decision-making process! Now is the time to encourage, lead, and empower your friend to take responsibility for herself, as you've done.