Need Some Support-Gained Lbs And Partner Not Attracted To Me Anymore

[#MagicWithinme 173]

I have to say I agree with everyone else, it seems most of us have been in a relationship where our weight was a deciding factor. And like most my heart was broken but its the best damn thing that EVER happened to me. I met someone whose been with me literally through thick and thin, and he is so supportive and tells me I'm beautiful even when I don't think I do.

And he emailed it to you? I would take his ticket and take someone you know you are going to enjoy yourself with. Girl, you come first always!

[Jim1967 3,569]

Email sounds pretty juvenile to me. He couldn't at least sit down and discuss it with you? You cannot read emotion or body language while communicating via text form.

I would reply to that email saying..."Go find the highest bridge and then jump off it"

[Bandista 7,466]

It's interesting that he has gained quite a bit of weight himself -- maybe there is some self-loathing and sabotaging behavior going on. You deserve a loving and accepting partner in life, not some one who compromises your happiness through hurtful behavior.

Just know that choosing ourselves first is the most important thing we can do. Putting other people's needs and desires ahead of our own has a way of whittling away at our self-esteem and undermining the joy of being happy and at peace with who we are.

Best wishes as you sort out what you want to do about this relationship. Whatever you do, do it from a place of self-awareness and don't talk yourself into anything you don't want to do.

[KAATNS 1,473]

Run, don't walk. If he really cared, the 9 pounds would not matter and should not matter. The right person for you is out there!

[mrsto 2,925]

To be honest, the bit that really bothers me is that he did this via email. I am less bothered by what he said and more bothered by how he said it. My reasons? Well, I wish my husband had said something to me sooner. I was in a real state of denial about my weight and did need a good long hard look in the mirror. Our loved ones are often those who can see the behaviours developing in us that we deny. They are the ones who have to watch us make poor decisions and we often jump on them I f they are honest with us.

I actually wish my husband had said to me years ago that he was concerned with the way I was loading my plate and eating mindlessly. I wish he had held that mirror up to my face as I was in a slippery slope that saw me top out at just under 300 lbs. why didn't he tell me? Well, I suspect it is because of most of the responses we see here. We have come to expect that our loved ones won't tell us the truth if it will hurt our feelings.

Maybe sometimes it takes hurt feelings to give us the prompt we need?

That said, he did it by email? Ugh.

I'm so with you one the email part……first thing that jumped out. Aside from being the A-hole that he is, what a spineless poor excuse of a man, to make those comments via email. Reminds me of the guys I dated, that didn't have both feet in the relationship. And my self esteem was such, that I didn't even see it. I went through plenty of those types before I found my wonderful husband. All the predecessors were me learning that I really did deserve the brass ring.

When I met my husband I was wearing a size 8. I ate myself up into a 22, but his love and attraction never waned. When someone loves you, they love ALL of you. My suggestion is, cut this guy off like the cancer that he is. I'm with all above…..you deserve so much more. But the key is, you have to believe it.

Edited December 4, 2013 by mrsto

[mrsto 2,925]

Email sounds pretty juvenile to me. He couldn't at least sit down and discuss it with you? You cannot read emotion or body language while communicating via text form.

I would reply to that email saying..."Go find the highest bridge and then jump off it"

Amen Jim!

[lisacaron 5,075]

So...how are you doing now? You got loads of sound advice from people here. It's not easy to hear something like that no matter if it's via e-mail or face to face.

The bottom line to all of it is that you really need to answer this wake up call, and ask yourself the hard questions what do YOU want? What do you want out of this relationship or any relationship for that matter?

When we feel insecure about ourselves we leave an opening for people to target and wound us. I'm sure you are a beautiful smart and amazing person, and if you don't see that when you look in the mirror or feel that way in your heart about yourself, then that's the relationship to work on. Cultivate some self-love my friend, and once you can accept and love yourself for all the amazing attributes only you possess you will see how fast this guy changes his tune and starts wanting you.

Then you can decide if he is someone YOU want to share your time with. Most of all friend don't let anyone make you feel less than beautiful or less then worthy. It’s usually people that have negative comments to make about others are the ones that have the issue, so don’t let them make their issues yours.

All the best to you, and we are here for support any time you need it!

[Kitt3000 757]

I think no one can tell you how you should feel.

On one hand, you deserve better. We all do

On the other hand is the mirror.

What if there is a middle ground? I thought about this long and hard. How would you change if you were not in the relationship? Would you do everything possible to be attractive to attract the next person in your life? If so, and your relationship is worth saving, will you do the changes now? Or start by kicking him to the curb, and make the changes? In a perfect world, love is unconditional, in the not so perfect world, everyone has a game changer.

And yet I agree with the people who say this is his issue not yours.

Is it really? When you love someone and regardless of who has the issue, it becomes "our" issue. Maybe the physical attraction is his game changer, not that un common, maybe he is experiencing his own physical issue, does not know how to handle it, so you (unfairly) become the target. Can you forgive and not forget? Does he really just want out? Honey, only you can make this decision for yourself. You know the good, you know the bad, you know if this is his one fault or just one of many. We don't. It must be enormously painful for you, and you know we are sympathetic, and wish we could take away the hurt. I think the most important thing is not to overthink it to the point you hate yourself. While one lady said she was upset he told you in an email, I have a long term relationship with someone who's family of origin, never talked about feelings, and to this day finds it difficult to communicate feelings if they are not facts as he believes. People are complicated aren't they? Hang in there, you have a lot of people with their virtual hugs going out to you.

[secondchancesally 43]

Thank you all so much for all the amazing support. I have spent the last 2 days alone just working and thinking. On the one hand I knew I had regained as much as I wanted to. But what bugs me most is that my partner felt entitled to say something knowing this is a sensitive issue and I'm already as on top of it as I can be. By the way,my partner is a woman...which I think makes it more egregious because one of the nice things usually about being in love w a woman is that they aren't as visually oriented as men and much MORE likely to love you for whats inside.

That said, she also should have known better because once before she was critical of the way I dress in such a bohemian style. And I took it very badly. I love dressing like a hippie chick. It's how I express myself and my creativity and how I Celebrate weekends away from my conservative job. Despite telling her she was an ass for making me feel badly ( that time she also said,dress how you want I'm just not attracted to that look) I wound up feeling unable to wear those hippie clothes because the whole time I was aware that she was finding me unattractive.

So i don't dress that way around her. So basically I plan to talk to her tonight and say that I really don't feel comfortable going on ths vacation. That I will be crawling out of my skin. Feeling judged and overly self conscious. I have decided to just be on Protein shakes during the trip and not go to restaurants with her because I will be wanting to eat and currently just can't. I also will tell her that I can't be physical right now because I feel too self conscious and bad about myself. If she has a problem with that I really don't mind not going. But most importantly indeed to tell her that her 'intervention' was not productive, I had decided to lose weight on my own but now I am motivated by shame and humiliation not by the right reasons. By now she should know that that kind of conversation makes me feel unloved and bad about myself. Each time she does it, it chips away at how much I can love her, feel safe with her, and be supported by her. I plan to tell her that I don't thi k our relationship can tolerate,ugh more of me being ,are to feel that I'm not ok.

Ill report back on how it goes. Thank you again guys for all the support and anger and thoughtful words and cyber love. It really did help.

[PJ Geeser 108]

ok I change my post above to "she". Doesnt matter, male or female, I guess she is the ASS then.

I agree...I too wouldnt go on the vacation with her...would be very uncomfortable knowing your partner said these things and felt this way. I do feel the same as above...that she is probably seeing someone else and trying to make you do the breakup.

Only you can decide what to do but we all wish you the best...take your time...take care of yourself FIRST and then make the decision that is right for you

[Lovely Lady 46]

The jerk couldn't tell you this face to face. He was a coward to tell you how he felt in an email. he didn't care about how you feel. Not all people are like this! I would email him a Dear John letter and move on to better things. You do deserve it!

Edited December 5, 2013 by LapbandIs4Me

[Lovely Lady 46]

Man or Woman, you do deserve someone who will care about you through good times and bad times. I don't think gaining 9 lbs is a reason to quit loving someone. Maybe they have a self-esteem problem. Have you both gone through couple counseling?

[m1aman 944]

The jerk couldn't tell you this face to face. He was a coward to tell you how he felt in an email. He didn't care about how you feel. Not all men are like this! I would email him a Dear John letter and move on to better things. You do deserve it!

You need to keep up. The jerk was a female.

[Lovely Lady 46]

Sorry. I do need to keep up.

[SandyM 1,956]

Lol. That's just prove all males aren't jerks and all jerks aren't males.