Mommy Dearest - Continuing issues with mother

[kyethra 0]

There are some good books out there-- ones about emotional vampires, etc. I do not have a good relationship with my own mother. She is the one who tends to be overly sensitive. And because I have a mild case of Aspergers and I am pretty low empathy I always did think it was my fault. But then when I got engaged she sort of flipped out. All this stuff about how I was abdoning the family because we got married in Vegas (everyone was invited and I offered to pay her portion) where instead I was supposed to offer to let her throw us the wedding we didn't want so she could say no and then let us throw our wedding or somethign... not logical. And because my inlaws gave us some money toward the wedding (because they could afford to) that means I'm evil. I've traded up families in the world because my mom is poor. And its all my fault she is poor... you see I have been manipulating her since I was a small child. It goes on and on. I could forgive how she was abusive to me growing up but what really hurts is when I realised she wasn't ever going to be the mother I wanted. Because she has all this anger and restentment and Hurt-- just tons of hurt directed at me. She is mentally ill. But she can't begin to accept that she has the problem and she never will. Now I can't break off my relationship with her because of a sibling of mine who needs me. But I can and do work on my boundaries. Its this wierd slippery ground. I no longer engage in "trying to talk it all out" because that never ever works. If she becomes insulting and inapropriate on the phone I remain calm (its very hard) and I tell her thats not acceptible. She usually then hangs up. I don't call her back. I see a good therapist. In the past few years I have had the oppertunity to see healthy families in action. I worked as a babysitter for this great family were it wasn't a dysfunctional mess. And my inlaws seem pretty put together and stuff too. They aren't perfect and they get on my nerves at times... but they are a lot more supportive of my than my own family. Seeing other families and experiences has helped me trust myself. So when I say my family of origin is messed up I know its true. When I say its not actually me I know that is true too. And knowing that has helped me with those boundaries, with selecting my battle scenes so to speak. And one favorite phrase of mine is "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that."

[DynamoMini 1]

Kyethra -

We are products of our environments in one way or another. You are doing a great job of separating and boundary setting. I just need to see it as it is coming and not cringe with regrets that I didn't protect myself, like I want to. You have a lot of insight into your relationship. It is a no -win type of deal. It is hard when we can't extract ourselves from the situations. I am currently ignoring her, and keeping our conversations brief. But I am going to Mexico with her and another aunt and cousin next week for 9 days. I don't know, it may have to get a little ugly. I won't be abused any more.

Good luck with your banding!

[Victoriana 10]

I have had so much counseling over the various phases of my life, it seems like I am a living melodrama.

I say that only to recall a similar circumstance for me. I had to learn not only to set good boundries, but I had to learn why I wanted her approval so much. Its really natural, but when our mom isnt there to fill our needs we need to get them filled in other nurturing relationships, with people who understand your situation, and that they are safe people to you, not toxic, as it seems to be with your mom.

It benifits us to love and honor our mom, as best we can without sacrificing our own dignity. When our mom cant be a true mother figure, we ache for that to be filled. This is where the difficulty setting boundries lies. It benifits us to sort of take the mothering roll in that relationship and nuture in reverse, and let our needs be filled by others. Some mothers are so unhappy with themselves, they are threatened by their own daughters, and the more you can nurture her, the safer she may feel, but dont expect it. Having any expectations from the relationship only serves to give the other person power over your emotions. I had to learn how to mourn the loss of that mothering relationship from mom, love her for the fact that she gave me life and then released her from fulfilling any of my emotional needs. I had to learn that she could only do what she knew how to do and meeting my needs was not a part of her skillset.

I now have a relationship with my mom, its kinda wierd, nothing she says or does anymore surprises me even if it is a new twist. I find myself practicing forgivness internally almost consistantly when I am with her. She just lives in her moments and cant see beyond the present. When I let her off the hook, I find that many conversations meander to new topics (by my leading) and we just keep moving on. I feel sad for her, missing out on knowing the absolute real me, but I guess that sounds arrogant. Its not, its a coping mechanism. I have a lot of peace about our times together, even if they are somewhat contrived at times. Its the safe thing for me to do.

A book that helps in setting boundries is an easy read and its called 'Changes that Heal' by the New Life Counseling group, headed by Cloud, Townsend and Artiburn.

I feel for you, Mothers are sooo important. Best wishes!

[Marimaru 7]

I've recently been peeling my own onion. Both of my parents are in the middle of it, but with regard to my mom, she says lots of comments that I'm not 100% sure she means as insults, but they come out that way, or at least sometimes I take them that way. A little bit at a time, I've gotten better at letting some of her comments roll off my back.. it's a slow process, but knowing that she's not going to change, I just need to get better at dealing with the behavior you know? Worse is my dad, but that's a long story.

[kity 2]

Ladies,

Listen carefully, this is the best advice anyone will ever give you about dear old mom...GET OFF LBT NOW...GO OVER TO Amazon.com AND ORDER A LITTLE BOOK CALLED, MY MOTHER, MYSELF BY Nancy Friday.

When I began the lapband journey, I decided to go to a phycologist to find out WHY I am overweight. What I am learning has been amazing. My story begins w/ a young wonderful mom, who was very involved in her own life. She didn't neglect us (brother and I), but was emotionally unavailable, often off having "fun". I was unaware of the unavailability until therapy. I filled my void w/ something warm and yummy...and continued on that path.

When she was diagnosed w/ cancer in 1996, I moved home to "help" her. That began an 8 year HELL where she controlled my every move. She was so mean, freaking ugly mean sometimes, I didn't recognize her. I was the "good girl", taking care of my ailing mom, while my brother did nothing. But anytime GOLDEN BOY called or didn anything small for her, I had to spend the rest of the night hearing how great he was. I kept coming home, even though I wanted to run away (keep in mind, I was in my 30's, fantasing about running away). There were some good times, but there was a constant need for me to be there for her, to help her, to cater to her every need. I WAS STILL TRYING TO GET FROM HER WHAT I NEVER COULD/DID AS A CHILD. I don't blame her, just understand now. When she died in 2004, I was lost. I don't know if I ever got from her what I was looking for. She did an amazing job raising by brother and I, in that we are both successful, and pretty well adjusted. But I continued to feed this void, again, unaware of what I was doing until my lapband journey.

My Mother/Myself is a wonderful read. I am not finished w/ it yet, just started it last week, but already I've identified so many of my own patterns of wants and needs in life from these pages. I REALLY feel that this will help so many of us. The relationship a woman has w/ her mom is the foundation from which all other relationships will be built, even our relaitonship w/ food.

[DynamoMini 1]

Wow, Pamela,

I am going to order that book and the 'Changes that Heal' by the New Life Counseling group, headed by Cloud, Townsend and Artiburn. You are soooooooo right that our relationships are based on the mother-daughter thing. I am mourning that I will never be loved the way I need to be. Mom appears wonderful and perfect to everyone else. I also had a brother on a pedestal, who I am always hearing about. My sis came late and shook up the family with her own self-centeredness. But she was buolimic, so even she didn't escape.

Congrats on your surgery date! I follow you on the 16th. It is

a wonderful decision and I am celebrating it every day.

Best wishes,

[Lap_dancer 8]

Hi Mini: Pull up a chair darlin'.

I spent untold $$$ on therapists until I finally evolved, grew, changed, and met the therapist who gave me these words: " Until you accept that your mother will never be the kind of mother you think you should have or that she should be, you will continue to struggle like this."

You cannot change your mother. You can change how you internalize her words, her actions, and everything else she does. Make them less important than they are. That will take practice. Hold your tongue because it will only encourage old patterns with her. The idea is to change the old patterns. THAT you have control of.

Best to you. PM me if you want to talk. I'm here and believe me, I DO understand what you are going through.