The Uncomfortable Truth....

[ReDbEaN 654]

I will take my kiddos on "dates"...doesn't have to

Involve food...it just means one-on-one time...we will go to the park, go to Barnes N Nobles, go window shopping, etc. Or sometimes we will do game night - they always want to play games but I don't always have the time, so I make it a point to make time especially as a "congratulations".

[Chelenka 827]

I have bern lurking here reading this thread for the past few days. (Slow reader). Anyway, I feel compelled to say how much I admire everyone who has had the courage to share so openly the deep wounds that are a part of their past. You are all very brave, strong resilient and through your journeys have and are becoming deeply conscious and compassionate people. We have all gone thru some shit! It's just life. My own life, for the most part, has been comparatively easy but I was tormented because of my size and weight problem particularly during my teen years. I sprouted ginormous boobs at age 12 which brought me a great deal of unwanted sexual attention some of which was abusive. My family are all thin and the focus on my weight and eating was constant. I do think they meant well but they simply drove me into secret, food sneaking and addiction to food=love since I felt so unlovable. I was constantly told how pretty my face was and if I would only lose weight, blah, blah. I think the ultimate low was my parents telling me they feared i would never get married and no one would ever love me if I didn't lose weight. Yes, they actually told me they thought I was unlovable. The deep, emotional pain only made me eat more, of course. By age 17 I weighed over 300 lbs and they sent me to a fat camp. I did learn from that experience that I enjoyed physical activity but once you're back in the environment that made you fat in the first place all the weight returns, of course. So fast forward many years and thru ooodles of therapy, i gradually came to a place of self-love and even met and married a man who openly admired my plus-size body. After we married, since he's my enabler, I put on more weight and was at my heaviest 357 lbs. I eventually decided to lose weight because I was pursuing my singing career. I got down to 295 but just yo-yoed after that. In 2009 my dear brother died after a long and very painful battle with Leukemia. We were close to each other and part of my soul left with him. The pain sent me into a deep depression and of course I ate my grief. Who doesn't? People either eat or stop eating altogether in those circumstances. I flirted with getting the lap band in 2011 but chickened out at the last minute. I wasn't ready then to face my food addiction but I'm so glad now because I think the sleeve is a far superior WLS. Anyway, the point I'm laboring to come to here is that we all have emotional demons that can drive us to self-destructive behaviors. The gift is that it creates such an amazing opportunity for personal growth. I also think that everyone uses food and eats for emotional reasons whether or not they have a weight problem or any food-behavioral issues. It is human nature. All cultures either starve or eat for significant events. Most eat. Food is symbolic of life and thus love. Learning to love ourselves and each other and show that love in ways that doesn't use food is always going to be an ongoing challenge. Lastly, I too still struggle with my desire to eat myself into a temporary numbness. I too keep trying to test the limits of my sleeve. Why? Why the self-sabatoge? WTF? I think for me I have a glitch in my brain that just yammers for food all the time. I've come to the conclusion that it's not the result of any of my past hurts but has always been there from my birth. My earliest memory is of steeling Cookies. Oy! So what does that tell you? I was 3 and my parents thought it was cute. They also got an adorable photo of me at age 2 climbing onto the table and helping myself to the sugar. I think I was born with the addiction but life circumstances just made it worse by adding shame on top of it. So just love yourselves! You are all incredible and amazing and I am so happy and proud to know you even a little thru cyber-space! God be with you!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

First off Chelenka there seems to be a lot of lurkers on this forum and this thread....Makes me a little nervous about everything I posted here...LOL

But what the hell, honesty is a part of healing and your story adds to the case that that is what this thread is all about. I appreciate your candidness and honesty and the fact that you shared with all of us your story...

The wounds inflicted may be different then my wounds. But they are none the less wounds. You are right some people react differently to abuse. It is what ever makes them feel good about themselves during the abusive time and what follows in life....

It is a mirage. And because we are children we don't know better. How we carry it into our adulthood I have no idea but it is just the way it is....We are never satisfied with finding happiness within ourselves or learning to love ourselves for who we are. It is a sad state of affairs to be sure....

When I was 11 my mother in front of all my siblings and my step father after supper handed me 2 girdles and said that she felt that this would help hold me in if I was going to continue to eat like I did......I thought I would die right there and then......

I felt so sick and instead of that ending the eating pattern, it just enhanced it; made it spiral out of control...

There is one good thing about all the struggles we have lived through. It makes us more compassionate and caring and thoughtful toward others...It surprises me when some people on here say that they look at fat people differently and find themselves becoming judgmental of them after they have and are still struggling with the same issues and will for the rest of their lives....

I believe that because of everything we have gone through it does make us stronger but better human beings as a whole and maybe I would not want to ever change that.....

You to are very brave and I admire the fact that you shared...I have 2 questions though...

What happened to the singing career? And how is your hubby handling the thinner you?

[barefeet 73]

I finally read through this entire thread.

Somewhere along the way it was recommended that everyone considering surgery read this. I say Amen to that.

Only by digging through the junk will this work for me. I know that.

Thank you to all who shared, you are an inspiration. Reading your stories has been great therapy.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

We all take a "risk" posting personal stories and photos in such a public place. I am glad others took the risk before me, many of them inspired me. Maybe I will inspire others too... who knows... but also, I learn about myself from my own sharing.

One of the things about myself is that i am much more open and honest then I used to be. I always thought of myself as honest, but I tended to hide things i felt shame about.... not anymore. I mean, once I agreed to have part of my stomach removed to save my life, somehow that bullcrap just didn't seem so important anymore. I have been blessed with friends and family who not only have been kind about my openness, actually embrace it and seem to love me more. One friend told me that while I was always outgoing and friendly - I used to have a certain "guarded" layer that was off putting. That seemed to have melted away a bit with the fat...

[MarciHunter 167]

Hey guys! Another lurker here!

I've been reading all of your stories from day 1 and keep coming everyday to check the thread! I found pieces of my life in each and every story and at times it was hard to read some of them and not get chocked up. You guys made me think about my own life and my own issues , even though for the last 5 years I put them in a box in the back of my head and slowly I started to let them go and I'm happier since . Well, mainly because 5 years ago I left "home" (Romania) and moved far away, to the UK. I found that since that happened I'm loving my dad more and even can't wait to see him every 6 months when I go back to visit . This wouldn't have happened if I were still living there. I met my wonderful husband when I moved here and he changed me for the better! I'm so happy I let go of the anger I had, but that only happened about 3 years after I left home, it took some time. But In all honesty, my story is not a dark one, I can't be hypocritical and say otherwise, I had a fairly happy childhood and was blessed with good friends growing up for whom my weight was never a problem.

I don't know why I overate all my life. My earliest memory of me overheating was when I was around 7-8 years old and mom made donuts. And I also had to do homework. I remember sitting on the sofa with a big bowl of donuts and eating ..and eating..and ..eating.. My parents told this story over the years, fondly remembering how I was stuffing myself just to get out of homework. Now, knowing myself.. I'm sure it was because ..I loved to eat and never knew when to stop, not because of homework.

I've always been a tall muscular child and until 15-17 I wasn't actually fat but since I was very young I heard how I was "fatter than other kids". My dad always called me "fatty" but in romanian(sounds a tad better in romanian) and he kind of sounded sweet, for him it really was a term of endearment ..so for me..it was very normal to be the "fatty" around..looking back..I really wasn't..and probably that's how it started.

Every time we would go visit relatives, my dad would embarrass me in front of the others, telling me to stop eating . I don't remember a time when we went places as a family where I didn't cry. All my life I heard how I was "too sensitive and cry always" .. But in their defence..I cried a lot, as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult..all that changed when I left the country...hmmm..I wonder why? Well, because I'm finally surrounded my lovely people that won't put me down at every step.

My mom is a wonderful person , always doing everything for everyone, dad is a good person as well and always told me how much he loves me and my brother, always hugging us, but at the same time...he was always angry, always telling us we're doing everything wrong, we're good for nothing, etc.. It was so confusing.. He would yell at us, and threaten us with some butt whooping and in 10 minutes he would come over ,hugged us and told us, we're just "too sensitive" and that he loved us. So that's why I have mixed feelings and can't say my childhood wasn't a good one. But it wasn't the greatest either.

I remember sooooo many times around the dinner table when my dad would yell and I would keep my head down, tears were running down my face straight in to the food that I wouldn't touch. And then it started with secretly eating, hiding food, eating very very fast while they were away, etc.

Also, my boyfriend of 4 years in Romania.. Would not hold my hand in public and wouldn't act like we were together even though..well,everyone knew about us, as we were in a big great group of friends. That, of course, wasn't great for my self esteem and of course, made me eat even more.

Where I come from, people think its just ok to tell someone how fat they are and to make them feel like they're worthless. I was working in a school in Romania and when I gave my 2 weeks notice because I was moving to the Uk, the principal wished me all the best and she added : "now you'll fit better in the society, people are fatter in the UK" or something to that effect. But again, the way they're saying these things.. They don't mean to hurt you..they genuinely think its ok to say these thing..its a damn cultural thing, I don't know.

I think there are so many issues that contributed to my weight gain over the years, but I also think greed was also a biiiiig factor.

I've been sleeved 6 months ago and lost 80 pounds so far and in a month we're going to Romania to visit my parents, brother and friends..and it is for the first time when I don't secretly wish that something bad would happen that would cause us to postpone the trip, this time, I don't feel so ashamed..and for the first tine, my brother won't grab my tummy and say: come on, what's with all this fat?are you pregnant or something? Mmmmmmyeah, and that would be the very first second he would see me at the airport..wasn't very anxious to see my parents and hear similar things, how I get fatter and fatter every time I come home.

I think my dad made amends with me in his own weird way and paid for my gastric sleeve surgery, as I didn't have any chances of paying for it myself . He did not pressure me into it, it was my idea but when I first told him I want to have the surgery.. His face lit up, its like I could read on his face the joy and the anticipation that he'll finally have a normal looking daughter.

Oh well, so so many things to say..and I really wrote way too much. I'm so sorry for the long post, I just don't know where to start..where to end..but I wanted to write a post too, as I felt bad lurking around and reading all your stories..

Anyhow, sending you all happy thoughts and you're all so brave and I respect you so much, after reading everything..all I can say is ..you are a bunch of tough Cookies !

Edited December 10, 2013 by MarciHunter

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Hey guys! Another lurker here! I've been reading all of your stories from day 1 and keep coming everyday to check the thread! I found pieces of my life in each and every story and at times is was hard to read some of them and not get chocked up. You guys made me think about my own life and my own issues that , even though for the last 5 years I put them in a box in the back of my head and slowly I started to let them go and I'm happier since then. Well, mainly because 5 years ago I left home (Romania) and moved far away, to the UK. I found that since that happened I'm loving my dad more and even can't wait to see him every 6 months when I go back to visit . This wouldn't have happened if I were still living there. I met my wonderful husband when I moved here and he changed me for the better! I'm so happy I let go of the anger I had, but that only happened about 3 years after I left home, it took some time. But I all honesty, my story is not a dark one, I can't be hypocritical and say otherwise, I had a fairly happy childhood and was blessed with good friends growing up for which my weight was never a problem.

I don't know why I overate all my life. My earliest memory of me overheating was when I was around 7-8 years old and mom made donuts. And I also had to do homework. I remember sitting on the sofa with a big bowl of donuts and eating ..and eating..and ..eating.. My parents told this story over the years, fondly remembering how I was stuffing myself just to get out of homework. Now, knowing myself.. I'm sure it was because ..I loved to eat and never knew when to stop, not because of homework.

I've always been a tall muscular child and until 15-17 I wasn't actually fat but since I was a small child I heard how I was "fatter than other kids". My dad always called me "fatty" but in romanian(sounds a tad better in romanian) and he kinda sounded sweet, for him it really was a term of endearment ..so for me..it was very normal to be the "fatty" around..looking back..I really wasn't..and probably that's how it started.

Every time we would go visit relatives, my dad would embarrass me in front of the others, telling me to stop eating . I don't remember a time when we went places as a family where I didn't cry. All my life I heard how I was "too sensitive and cry always" .. But in their defence..I cried a lot, as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult..all that changed when I left the country...hmmm..I wonder why? Well, because I'm finally surrounded my lovely people that won't put me down at every step.

My mom is a wonderful person , always doing everything for everyone, dad is a good person and always told me how much he loves me and my brother, always hugging us, but on the other hand..he was always angry, always telling us we're doing everything wrong, we're good for nothing, etc.. It was so confusing.. He would yell at us, and threaten as with some but whooping and in 10 minutes he would come over ,hugged us and told us, we're just "too sensitive" and that he loved us. So that's why I have mixed feelings and can't say my childhood wasn't a good one. But it wasn't the greatest either.

I remember sooooo many times around the dinner table when my dad would yell and I would keep my head down, tears were running down my face straight in to the food that I wouldn't touch. And then it started with secretly eating, hiding food, eating very very fast while they were away, etc.

Also, my boyfriend for 4 years in Romania.. Would not hold my hand in public and wouldn't act like we were together even though..well,everyone knew about us, as we were in a big great group of friends. That, of course, wasn't great for my self esteem and of course, made me eat even more.

People where I come from, think its just ok to tell someone how fat they are and to make them feel like their worthless. I was working in a school in Romania and when I gave my 2 weeks notice because I was moving to the Uk, the principal wished me all the best and she added : "now you'll fit better in the society, people are fatter in the UK" or something to that effect. But again, the way they're saying these things.. They don't mean to hurt you..they genuinely think its ok to say these thing..its a damn cultural thing, I don't know.

I think there are so many issues that contributed to my weight gain over the years, but I also think greed was also a biiiiig factor.

I've been sleeved 6 months ago and lost 80 pounds so far and in a month we're going to Romania to visit my parents, brother and friends..and it is for the first time when I don't secretly wish that something bad would happen that would cause us to postpone the trip, this time, I don't feel so ashamed..and for the first tine, my brother won't grab my tummy and say: come on, what's with all this fat?are you pregnant or something? Mmmmmmyeah, and that would be the very first second he would see me at the airport..wasn't very anxious to see my parents and hear similar things, how I get fatter and fatter every time I come home.

I think my dad made amends with me in his own weird way and paid for my gastric sleeve surgery, as I didn't have any chances of paying for it myself . He did not pressured me into it, it was my idea but when I first told him I want to have the surgery.. His face lit up, its like I could read on his face the joy and the anticipation that he'll finally have a normal looking daughter. Oh well, so so many things to say..and I really wrote way too much.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I just don't know where to start..where to end..but I wanted to write a post too, as I felt bad lurking around and reading all your stories..

Anyhow, sending you all happy thoughts and you're all so brave and I respect you so much, after reading everything..all I can say is ..you are a bunch of tough Cookies !

You, my love, are MOST welcome. Everyone who has suffered with a weight problem, has experienced at least some elements of what you've noted. Isn't it okay if those 'comments' are 'cultural'? Isn't it 'appropriate' for us to swallow them accordingly?

With that being said, we're not all brave. Without additions like yours, we still feel like islands unto ourselves. It's refreshing to know there are no boundaries between colour, circumstance or creed.

Welcome to the fold. I hope you find the liberation you need here, where you're living, and when you visit 'home'. You most certainly deserve it. As for 'here' you have a constant army of sometimes relentless, but brutally honest and vulnerable friends. Yes, we're relentless and vulnerable - we're working on it; but we can and are, great and experienced, friends

With warm affection,

A british located, subsequently over-weight, Revs x

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

I finally read through this entire thread.

Somewhere along the way it was recommended that everyone considering surgery read this. I say Amen to that.

Only by digging through the junk will this work for me. I know that.

Thank you to all who shared, you are an inspiration. Reading your stories has been great therapy.

Welcome Barefeet. You are warmly welcome x

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Chelenka, you, too, are most warmly welcome x

[Chelenka 827]

There is one good thing about all the struggles we have lived through. It makes us more compassionate and caring and thoughtful toward others...It surprises me when some people on here say that they look at fat people differently and find themselves becoming judgmental of them after they have and are still struggling with the same issues and will for the rest of their lives.... I believe that because of everything we have gone through it does make us stronger but better human beings as a whole and maybe I would not want to ever change that..... You to are very brave and I admire the fact that you shared...I have 2 questions though... What happened to the singing career? And how is your hubby handling the thinner you?

RJ - Thank you for your kind words and your continuing bravery, not only in openly sharing the pain of your childhood but for you perseverance thru the adversity of the complications you have endured.

One of my uncomfortable truths is that I have always been critical of other fat people, especially if they were slobs and didn't try to look their best regardless of their size. I came to realize that I was really just holding up the mirror and thinking all those mean thoughts about myself! I now sometimes catch myself feeling superior to people who are overweight, as though I am somehow more virtuous because I've had WLS when my logical mind knows this is total hogwash! I'm not sure where this sort of thinking comes from and I'm not proud of it. I feel like a real shitted that I have these thoughts from time to time and I fight against this hyper-critical aspect of my personality. Perhaps it's a hold-over from my hyper-critical family. Guess it's time for more therapy!

To answer your questions, I had some success in my operatic singing career despite being so large. I got to travel and perform in Europe and performed once with the New York Philharmonic. It was thrilling and fun and a wild ride at times but also extremely stressful and very expensive to pursue as a career. After 2011 my singing career had pretty much fizzled as I had so many difficulties with the physical demands of the stage work. My back went out and my knees couldn't take all the kneeling they want you to do in opera productions. No one wanted to give me an audition much less hire me. It took me a while to accept the reality of this rejection even though it was what I had expected to happen when I first started out. Ironic, no? Also I was in denial about how much my weight was affecting my body and quality of life. De-Nile is deep! However it was the physical pain rather than emotional pain that tipped the scales (pardon the pun) and got me to decide on WLS.

My hubby has been incredibly loving and supportive and proud of me in everything I have done both at my fattest and now, at the thinnest I've ever been. I'm not really thin though, I'm just not as fat. I think as long as the girls don't completely disappear he'll be OK with it! LOL!

[MarciHunter 167]

You, my love, are MOST welcome. Everyone who has suffered with a weight problem, has experienced at least some elements of what you've noted. Isn't it okay if those 'comments' are 'cultural'? Isn't it 'appropriate' for us to swallow them accordingly? With that being said, we're not all brave. Without additions like yours, we still feel like islands unto ourselves. It's refreshing to know there are no boundaries between colour, circumstance or creed. Welcome to the fold. I hope you find the liberation you need here, where you're living, and when you visit 'home'. You most certainly deserve it. As for 'here' you have a constant army of sometimes relentless, but brutally honest and vulnerable friends. Yes, we're relentless and vulnerable - we're working on it; but we can and are, great and experienced, friends With warm affection, A british located, subsequently over-weight, Revs x

Thank you for the warm welcome, lovely Revs

I'm really very happy to have found a group of people after my own heart, especially in this thread , and I'll try to pitch in from now on x

And yes, somehow, I always thought it is "okay" to accept all the remarks, all the name calling, because..its everyone is doing..must be normal.."we don't mean anything by it" or "come on, we're only joking" and my favourite : "no offence , but.." You rightly know you're gonna offend someone when you say that..but you choose to do it anyway, and that makes you an ah**hole..

Moving to the UK was a breath of fresh air and finally learned that ..it was not OKAY , and that the way I felt and behaved all my life was what normal decent nice people do, not the other way around. And to think that I always felt like the odd one out.

So thank you, my new British friend , it means a lot and .. By the way,I just love your profile picture. Hilarious .

With a bunch of respect for you and everyone else,

Marci, the newbie

[Jen35 283]

Most of us know what we need to do to be healthy. We know what foods are good for us, that we should exercise, etc. but our frontal lobe (the part of our brain responsible for logic, reasoning, etc) is not the part of our brains causing us to turn to food for comfort. It's our brain stem - that part of our brain that tells us that food is necessary for life. That need gets all tied up with our need to feel better about all of our tramas (childhood abuse, adult stress and trama - all of it) and we use food as a drug to make us feel better. The problem is in the avoidance of our emotions instead of facing them head on. At least, this is the conclusion I have come to after a ton of therapy. And maybe this isn't true for everyone, but for me - I used food to not feel - to not remember the terrible things of my childhood. If I ate, I didn't feel those crippling emotions that I didn't know how to deal with - I never learned how to deal with.

My mom died when I was 10 (but was sick for years prior) and my father didn't know how to be a father. At the end of the day, if we were all alive, fed and had a roof over our heads, he had done his job. No emotions were allowed in the house, especially no tears. I grew up with the responsibility of the world on my shoulders and the feeling that I had to just power through every situation. No emotion, no tears. As a teenager, I sought male attention to have some form of emotional connection with others, even if it was only physical. When I later married, I turned to food to keep from feeling and dealing with life. All of this insight helps me see where I need to change in my coping mechanisms. Some days I'm better at it than others. I still want to turn to food and sometimes I do. But I know why I'm doing it and I have more skills to work with from the therapy. And I'm moving forward, which is more than I did before.

We all have our reasons for eating, The hard part is figuring out why and then working on changing our behaviors. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Hey guys! Another lurker here!

I've been reading all of your stories from day 1 and keep coming everyday to check the thread! I found pieces of my life in each and every story and at times it was hard to read some of them and not get chocked up. You guys made me think about my own life and my own issues , even though for the last 5 years I put them in a box in the back of my head and slowly I started to let them go and I'm happier since . Well, mainly because 5 years ago I left "home" (Romania) and moved far away, to the UK. I found that since that happened I'm loving my dad more and even can't wait to see him every 6 months when I go back to visit . This wouldn't have happened if I were still living there. I met my wonderful husband when I moved here and he changed me for the better! I'm so happy I let go of the anger I had, but that only happened about 3 years after I left home, it took some time. But In all honesty, my story is not a dark one, I can't be hypocritical and say otherwise, I had a fairly happy childhood and was blessed with good friends growing up for whom my weight was never a problem.

I don't know why I overate all my life. My earliest memory of me overheating was when I was around 7-8 years old and mom made donuts. And I also had to do homework. I remember sitting on the sofa with a big bowl of donuts and eating ..and eating..and ..eating.. My parents told this story over the years, fondly remembering how I was stuffing myself just to get out of homework. Now, knowing myself.. I'm sure it was because ..I loved to eat and never knew when to stop, not because of homework.

I've always been a tall muscular child and until 15-17 I wasn't actually fat but since I was very young I heard how I was "fatter than other kids". My dad always called me "fatty" but in romanian(sounds a tad better in romanian) and he kind of sounded sweet, for him it really was a term of endearment ..so for me..it was very normal to be the "fatty" around..looking back..I really wasn't..and probably that's how it started.

Every time we would go visit relatives, my dad would embarrass me in front of the others, telling me to stop eating . I don't remember a time when we went places as a family where I didn't cry. All my life I heard how I was "too sensitive and cry always" .. But in their defence..I cried a lot, as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult..all that changed when I left the country...hmmm..I wonder why? Well, because I'm finally surrounded my lovely people that won't put me down at every step.

My mom is a wonderful person , always doing everything for everyone, dad is a good person as well and always told me how much he loves me and my brother, always hugging us, but at the same time...he was always angry, always telling us we're doing everything wrong, we're good for nothing, etc.. It was so confusing.. He would yell at us, and threaten us with some butt whooping and in 10 minutes he would come over ,hugged us and told us, we're just "too sensitive" and that he loved us. So that's why I have mixed feelings and can't say my childhood wasn't a good one. But it wasn't the greatest either.

I remember sooooo many times around the dinner table when my dad would yell and I would keep my head down, tears were running down my face straight in to the food that I wouldn't touch. And then it started with secretly eating, hiding food, eating very very fast while they were away, etc.

Also, my boyfriend of 4 years in Romania.. Would not hold my hand in public and wouldn't act like we were together even though..well,everyone knew about us, as we were in a big great group of friends. That, of course, wasn't great for my self esteem and of course, made me eat even more.

Where I come from, people think its just ok to tell someone how fat they are and to make them feel like they're worthless. I was working in a school in Romania and when I gave my 2 weeks notice because I was moving to the Uk, the principal wished me all the best and she added : "now you'll fit better in the society, people are fatter in the UK" or something to that effect. But again, the way they're saying these things.. They don't mean to hurt you..they genuinely think its ok to say these thing..its a damn cultural thing, I don't know.

I think there are so many issues that contributed to my weight gain over the years, but I also think greed was also a biiiiig factor.

I've been sleeved 6 months ago and lost 80 pounds so far and in a month we're going to Romania to visit my parents, brother and friends..and it is for the first time when I don't secretly wish that something bad would happen that would cause us to postpone the trip, this time, I don't feel so ashamed..and for the first tine, my brother won't grab my tummy and say: come on, what's with all this fat?are you pregnant or something? Mmmmmmyeah, and that would be the very first second he would see me at the airport..wasn't very anxious to see my parents and hear similar things, how I get fatter and fatter every time I come home.

I think my dad made amends with me in his own weird way and paid for my gastric sleeve surgery, as I didn't have any chances of paying for it myself . He did not pressure me into it, it was my idea but when I first told him I want to have the surgery.. His face lit up, its like I could read on his face the joy and the anticipation that he'll finally have a normal looking daughter.

Oh well, so so many things to say..and I really wrote way too much. I'm so sorry for the long post, I just don't know where to start..where to end..but I wanted to write a post too, as I felt bad lurking around and reading all your stories..

Anyhow, sending you all happy thoughts and you're all so brave and I respect you so much, after reading everything..all I can say is ..you are a bunch of tough Cookies !

I read your post and thank you so much for sharing your story with us...I know there is more to unravel but one thing I would like to say is..You are in a state of denial hun...if you think it is okay for anyone no matter who they are to call you names that make you feel inferior, sad or less then who you really are... I cannot excuse your family for their thoughtlessness regarding your feelings and life. Surely you realize that their constant criticism affected how you saw yourself and you looked for comfort in food. Your boy friend at the time....Well who needs enemies when you have someone like him who did not publicly recognize you as his girlfriend...I don't care what culture you are from it is only decent and human to love and protect your children no matter what...See the best in them and want the best for them..Celebrate their victories and cry with them when they stumble...

Maybe your father does feel bad, that would be nice..But your brother is playing the upper hand card..He needs to be told that never again and if not....well there will be consequences.....

You go there with your head held high and if they don't see it to bad. You have changed you have grown and you know there is a big wide world out there that will encourage you and be there for you..Like the man your with right now.....

You have come a long way baby and they may not feel safe to tell you so...If they do well finally they have grown a bit...and matured some....

It does not matter who you are. How tall you are. How short you are. How small or how big you are...Family is who we look to for guidance and respect and compassion...Not being so destructive to you....

Some times the only way we can see things clearly is to get far away and then see who we really are...Don't make excuses for any of them hun.....they really should know better if they love you like they say they do!

You will grow and change and with your new life you will focus on the changes you need to make to make yourself whole..I hope beyond all things that you recognize the damage that was done and will deal with it and be able to let it all go to be who you are a really great person!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Most of us know what we need to do to be healthy. We know what foods are good for us, that we should exercise, etc. but our frontal lobe (the part of our brain responsible for logic, reasoning, etc) is not the part of our brains causing us to turn to food for comfort. It's our brain stem - that part of our brain that tells us that food is necessary for life. That need gets all tied up with our need to feel better about all of our tramas (childhood abuse, adult stress and trama - all of it) and we use food as a drug to make us feel better. The problem is in the avoidance of our emotions instead of facing them head on. At least, this is the conclusion I have come to after a ton of therapy. And maybe this isn't true for everyone, but for me - I used food to not feel - to not remember the terrible things of my childhood. If I ate, I didn't feel those crippling emotions that I didn't know how to deal with - I never learned how to deal with.

My mom died when I was 10 (but was sick for years prior) and my father didn't know how to be a father. At the end of the day, if we were all alive, fed and had a roof over our heads, he had done his job. No emotions were allowed in the house, especially no tears. I grew up with the responsibility of the world on my shoulders and the feeling that I had to just power through every situation. No emotion, no tears. As a teenager, I sought male attention to have some form of emotional connection with others, even if it was only physical. When I later married, I turned to food to keep from feeling and dealing with life. All of this insight helps me see where I need to change in my coping mechanisms. Some days I'm better at it than others. I still want to turn to food and sometimes I do. But I know why I'm doing it and I have more skills to work with from the therapy. And I'm moving forward, which is more than I did before.

We all have our reasons for eating, The hard part is figuring out why and then working on changing our behaviors. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.

hi, You mentioned that you ate to feel nothing. Well that is not entirely true..Food is a unfaithful lover.. it promises you security, contentment, euphoria, a place to land when things get out of hand. A place to balance the pain with taste and satisfaction of having control over something in your life...To give you some kind of power even if it makes things worse and guilt worse and self loathing worse.....

It trades one pain for another...Not dealing with it all is when it gets out of hand..This journey that we are on gives us the time to fix our thinking to take it on head on and finally, maybe just finally learn to love the person you were, are and will be....

It takes a lot of courage to travel this road and you are well on your way...Be completely honest with how you feel about the things you have had and are still dealing with..Feel the pain and the sorrow and then rise above it...That is the goal..To become whole...

You have this..you can do it...You are the little engine that could!!!!!!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

There is one good thing about all the struggles we have lived through. It makes us more compassionate and caring and thoughtful toward others...It surprises me when some people on here say that they look at fat people differently and find themselves becoming judgmental of them after they have and are still struggling with the same issues and will for the rest of their lives.... I believe that because of everything we have gone through it does make us stronger but better human beings as a whole and maybe I would not want to ever change that..... You to are very brave and I admire the fact that you shared...I have 2 questions though... What happened to the singing career? And how is your hubby handling the thinner you?

RJ - Thank you for your kind words and your continuing bravery, not only in openly sharing the pain of your childhood but for you perseverance thru the adversity of the complications you have endured.

One of my uncomfortable truths is that I have always been critical of other fat people, especially if they were slobs and didn't try to look their best regardless of their size. I came to realize that I was really just holding up the mirror and thinking all those mean thoughts about myself! I now sometimes catch myself feeling superior to people who are overweight, as though I am somehow more virtuous because I've had WLS when my logical mind knows this is total hogwash! I'm not sure where this sort of thinking comes from and I'm not proud of it. I feel like a real shitted that I have these thoughts from time to time and I fight against this hyper-critical aspect of my personality. Perhaps it's a hold-over from my hyper-critical family. Guess it's time for more therapy!

To answer your questions, I had some success in my operatic singing career despite being so large. I got to travel and perform in Europe and performed once with the New York Philharmonic. It was thrilling and fun and a wild ride at times but also extremely stressful and very expensive to pursue as a career. After 2011 my singing career had pretty much fizzled as I had so many difficulties with the physical demands of the stage work. My back went out and my knees couldn't take all the kneeling they want you to do in opera productions. No one wanted to give me an audition much less hire me. It took me a while to accept the reality of this rejection even though it was what I had expected to happen when I first started out. Ironic, no? Also I was in denial about how much my weight was affecting my body and quality of life. De-Nile is deep! However it was the physical pain rather than emotional pain that tipped the scales (pardon the pun) and got me to decide on WLS.

My hubby has been incredibly loving and supportive and proud of me in everything I have done both at my fattest and now, at the thinnest I've ever been. I'm not really thin though, I'm just not as fat. I think as long as the girls don't completely disappear he'll be OK with it! LOL!

I am totally blown away with your honesty about your perception of "fat" people...it really comes down to the feeling that at least I am better off then her or him...People think it is empowering to look down at others for whatever reason...But it is a mirage..You are right if you keep your emotions away from yourself then you are looking outward and not inward....you are a very brave woman to share that with this forum...I am dumb struck with your honesty..

It is very therapeutic to say things out loud or write them out and then you know exactly where you are in the healing process...

I personally have known people who have been extremely obese refer to other people who carried less weight then themselves as disgusting..Excuse me...What does that even mean? I never understood that. Comparing yourself to other heavy people and feeling superior because you might be smaller, that makes you better..I am not saying this is you I am saying I have heard these comments myself...

That is delusional thinking. That takes the pressure off of us to believe such dribble....We really have to look inside to fix what is wrong with us and learn to love ourselves and not to judge others no matter what, but show compassion and understanding for what might have taken them to this place.....

I find myself wanting to scream it from the roof top that there is an aid out there that can help you with your struggles...there is a tool that will give you the time to figure out what you want, who you are and what you will become if you do the work.....

This is one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me...I just want to share it out loud...But I don't, it may be conceived the wrong way..And I don't want the judgement of people who don't know the whole deal to talk about it...So I just try to work on me....

You must be an amazing singer..Opera! My goodness..You got to touch fame and feel it's power...wow....Who knows you may decide as you go along that you want to return to the stage.....Amazing truly amazing....I love the arts myself!

Keep that wonderful man close by, he sure sounds like a keeper to me......