The Uncomfortable Truth....

[7 Bites_Jen 479]

You know, I love this group ...
Each of us has sat here and bared our souls for all to see, without judgement.
This thread proves the true meaning of support.
<3 <3 <3

[southernsoul 773]

You know, I love this group ...

Each of us has sat here and bared our souls for all to see, without judgement.

This thread proves the true meaning of support.

<3 <3 <3

To be vulnerable takes courage. It doesn't matter whether it's face-to-face or over the internet with a group of folks we will likely never meet in person. Vulnerability is not for the faint-hearted wusses. What this thread has shown me is strength and self-awareness and determination and bravery. Surviving is one thing, thriving is another. Let's shoot to thrive.

[No game 14,437]

I have only read some of these posts, but do have two observations. I found myself feeling... jealous is the closest word I can come up with... of people who didn't have a lifelong obesity problem. Honestly, sometimes I read the whole comment "I was thin until I had kids" as a slam against people like me who was overweight or obese or morbidly obese basically my whole life (except for short lived periods). Like somehow people think that they don't deserve this obsesity thing .. it is just something that showed up later in life... unlike a "real" fat person. I don't blame anyone, simply observing my own feelings.

This is part of my confusion with feelings today.

My fat, I know it well I know most of the reasons I got here..

I have been open book most of the time here (sometimes laying too bare and fragile)

This thread, it's timing and it's participants have had a great great affect on me today.

I cannot say that it was all positive.

I am raw, tired, worn....

This is just my emotions today.

Time of year? I am not immune to the holiday blues..

Who knows really,

But I relate to this passage above. As it seems to be an ongoing theme to which I am faced with daily.

I'm not sure why it has to be a debate everyday..

Or maybe just not today.

It made my feel like will the real ugly fat person please stand.

[No game 14,437]

Laura...You are echoing back exactly how I feel about myself. Or what I was taught to think of myself.....I am sure 100 % that no one on here sees you that way..And so please do something for yourself that is so not that destructive.... what we repeat over and over about ourselves in a negative way has a tendency for us to continue to believe it.. Turn it around Laura and look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice thing about you every day..Write it down if you have to and then when you get on this kind of self abuse...read what you found about yourself that is positive..I am so sure there are tons of things.....do it!

RJ,

I usually detach myself very easily from my past.

I like to say it doesn't affect me anymore.

But shit I hate this time if year!

Any skeletons you may have rattling around in your closet ring you up for Christmas cheer...

Lol, life, a perfect storm somedays..

I know we are taught these things.

My memory is faulty and I've forgotten most of my childhood lessons.. But obviously I remember a few lines here and there...

[No game 14,437]

I honestly thought physical hunger was my issue. Im never full....I'm always hungry. ....I have a huge stomach/ appetite up until 4 months ago when the novelty of the sleeve wore off, I found myself having mini binges and eating when not hungry again. All of my past demons are coming back. I eat until I'm in pain. I then realized it's far more than physical hunger. It's embarrassing really. I'm back at square one trying to figure out WHY?!?! The realization has helped me tremendously though. I'm not in denial anymore. I'm not hiding behind excuses anymore. I'm not by any means "cured" but I know what to work on now. I'm taking responsibility, damnit!

The pain..

I binge to the same extreme. Pain never stopped me. I've had moments wondering why did I think the sleeve would help? Because it makes me feel pain if I eat to much??

When you want to self destruct? it just gets you there a bit faster.

I'm hoping that being aware of these dirty truths and open about them for the first time really, will help. So move over on that square one, I'll be standing right there with you.

[Rena's got this 274]

Laura, I am an ardent admirer of your posts. You are wonderful, and you are beautiful. Why...you even have a gorgeous name. Laura. I named my daughter Laura. So don't you go on believing that dark voice in your head. Like someone else said...that voice lies. When it starts talking to you again, and it will, you've got to turn your thoughts to the truth. You are not ugly, you are no longer fat, you are wonderful. Love yourself.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have only read some of these posts, but do have two observations. I found myself feeling... jealous is the closest word I can come up with... of people who didn't have a lifelong obesity problem. Honestly, sometimes I read the whole comment "I was thin until I had kids" as a slam against people like me who was overweight or obese or morbidly obese basically my whole life (except for short lived periods). Like somehow people think that they don't deserve this obsesity thing .. it is just something that showed up later in life... unlike a "real" fat person. I don't blame anyone, simply observing my own feelings.

This is part of my confusion with feelings today.

My fat, I know it well I know most of the reasons I got here..

I have been open book most of the time here (sometimes laying too bare and fragile)

This thread, it's timing and it's participants have had a great great affect on me today.

I cannot say that it was all positive.

I am raw, tired, worn....

This is just my emotions today.

Time of year? I am not immune to the holiday blues..

Who knows really,

But I relate to this passage above. As it seems to be an ongoing theme to which I am faced with daily.

I'm not sure why it has to be a debate everyday..

Or maybe just not today.

It made my feel like will the real ugly fat person please stand.

We may have been fat but NOT ugly. Ugly is from an ugly heart and mind...most definitely does not apply to you.

I really believe we need self love at any size....massive weight loss doesn't fix the hole inside.

[ReDbEaN 654]

My uncomfortable Truth... I am an ugly person. I feel like I do my best somedays to hide it. Today I didn't.. I want to be good. I am a sham. I talk about being vulnerable? But the minute I open up? I feel that I'm ready to strike. I have been fighting binges the last three weeks. I win, lose.. Family! People! Me! It's too much somedays.. Now I sit here offended BUT also the offender.. Thinking to myself right now, EAT! BINGE! You have good reason! Look at that corner you are in, the one you painted yourself! You are fat, you, ugly, you are bad....

Oh, Laura, noooo! You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I'm so, so sorry you have such terrible thoughts about yourself, especially when I look up to you so very much. I don't have any words of wisdom to share, I wish I did. I wish I could take all of that ugly and make you realize what I see when I see Laura-ven, which is an amazing, caring, smart-alec, loving person who isn't afraid to speak her mind (which I love)!!! I sure hope your day/mind has gotten better since this post. Hugs to you from me

[No game 14,437]

We may have been fat but NOT ugly. Ugly is from an ugly heart and mind...most definitely does not apply to you. I really believe we need self love at any size....massive weight loss doesn't fix the hole inside.

You know ugly, pretty, it's such a weird concept.

I want to be pretty, I don't want to be pretty..

I am pretty, I'm not pretty.

It was all my father cared about right?

Fat= ugly

Skinny= pretty

It meant everything to my mother too..

It always made me sad. Her self worth was her looks, it's what she had to offer the world.

I make fun of her 5 husbands and five boob jobs now, but as a kid it saddened me.

For many reasons depending on the day.

Sometimes because I felt that she should know she had more to offer, other times because she hated other women that she perceived prettier than her.. By the way I at some point became a woman too..

And a lot of times I was sad because I could not be pretty like her. I felt she was a "real" woman that she knew the real woman pretty secrets I did not know..

I think this is the hard part about me losing the weight.. Part of me likes being invisible.

I don't like entering the potentially attractive world. Last time I lost weight I was picked up on! I was giddy happy I couldn't believe it!! (Oh I'm married so it doesn't matter) He was so handsome! I went home and binged?

I hate my fat self but I'm scared of my small self.

Is that why I've always regained?

Oh lord I'm rambling sorry gals!

Lol where's my therapist

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I honestly thought physical hunger was my issue. Im never full....I'm always hungry. ....I have a huge stomach/ appetite up until 4 months ago when the novelty of the sleeve wore off, I found myself having mini binges and eating when not hungry again. All of my past demons are coming back. I eat until I'm in pain. I then realized it's far more than physical hunger. It's embarrassing really. I'm back at square one trying to figure out WHY?!?! The realization has helped me tremendously though. I'm not in denial anymore. I'm not hiding behind excuses anymore. I'm not by any means "cured" but I know what to work on now. I'm taking responsibility, damnit!

The pain..

I binge to the same extreme. Pain never stopped me. I've had moments wondering why did I think the sleeve would help? Because it makes me feel pain if I eat to much??

When you want to self destruct? it just gets you there a bit faster.

I'm hoping that being aware of these dirty truths and open about them for the first time really, will help. So move over on that square one, I'll be standing right there with you.

Laura the entire world is full of myths and lies..We except them and believe them all as true.....we are told that obesity is horrid and ugly and yet the people inside those bodies are troubled and in pain and no one cares..I am always confused about how society treats some of us...

We buy into the idea that a sports star is that all beautiful and wonderful..That an actress because she played a role is the woman of the year because of maybe her looks...Hardly any one judges us on the inside or how we treat other human beings..How much we care and where our inward strength comes from...

It comes from within ourselves and those who truly care about us..The rest is all show....If we believe the hype about how and who we think we are because of someone saying it, pounding it our heads and seducing us into thinking we are nothing..we become nothing..

We have to break the mold and love ourselves first before we can love others..Find contentment and happiness within our own souls....

We spend too much time looking outward and believing the lies we are told through the media and large modeling agencies and money makers. We believe that some snotty designer can say that we are nothing because we are fat....Who do they think they are?

But they have been given the power to yield the sword of disgust for anyone who does not fit the mold of what society believes is normal....Piss on them all..shame on them for making us believe we are nothing..

I am somebody...I am a human being who is a tower of strength within myself...I am building my tower with blocks of change and knowledge about who I really am on the inside and outside..

The only way a person can become a power unto themselves is to take it, build it, mold it and stop believing inferior products of belief....

All meta-fores to be sure but really how we see ourselves is in direct line with our new lives and success...Don't you think it is about time you let that person out that you have hidden away in there to be free and see who she is and what good she can do....

I am trying so hard to accomplish that myself....It is a worthy goal....Just to be the real me with no walls or excuses to hide behind....

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Since we are baring our souls here today...haha... how is this one? A friend I haven't seen or talked to in awhile wanted to know how I am really doing and I let him know I don't feel that great - emotionally. He listed all the great things in my life and that I look like Betty Boop (inside joke I guess) just asked me "what is it that you see that is different?" I told him that I see everything he mentions, but deep inside I am sad because looks are not my number one priority in life (regardless of all my jokes about being vain) and the last 3 months have basically been a total drag. I spent about a month making myself about sick with anxiety prior to my plastic surgery and then the last 7 weeks recovering. I still have weird tingles and things and frankly, don't feel like myself. I am not living the life I want and somehow am having a hard time getting the train back on the tracks even though there is no longer a physical reason for it.

Anyway, it is a temporary situation, but for right now the holidays kind of suck although I also love them, I am cold, my horses are dirty, my house is dirty, - basically my whole life has sorta piled up on me while I was recovering and I feel overwhelmed and can't seem to get started on regaining some order to my world even though I am healed plenty well enough to do so.

Talk about negative self talk - I keep thinking, this will be the day I start living life the way I want and everyday I don't. I don't need to be comforted, I know the drill and what I need to do - it is just where I am at today... pitttteeee partyeeeeee.... haha

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

A woman I know once made this comment " Life is brief moments of happiness a midst chaos and pain."

No one has it all all the time...Life is not one big party...It's the living and the laundry and the sickness and the bills and the job and the car repairs..You get it..

But in there we have to find some happy moments. We need to be happy it is a requirement of living...

WLS will never fill that need..It is what you become and bring to the table that brings the moments of happiness....You get out of it what you put into it....WLS helps to get you where you can be healthy and lead a more active life, but it can't keep you there or build a better life...that is where we come in...

That is the secret!

[sophiepants 489]

I think this is the hard part about me losing the weight.. Part of me likes being invisible.

I don't like entering the potentially attractive world. Last time I lost weight I was picked up on! I was giddy happy I couldn't believe it!! (Oh I'm married so it doesn't matter) He was so handsome! I went home and binged?

I hate my fat self but I'm scared of my small self.

Is that why I've always regained?

This is me!!! Laura I have told you before how much I like you and can identify with your personally. (I don't show it here online much) back to being invisible even on here. I'm a binge eater a sneak eater and am ashamed!

Over the holiday I struggled more than I want to admit! The site is a life line in away. I read and post some but still hide. I read and it helps me learn how to deal with my addiction...

Here's me.....

My sister and I were raised by our Dad. He was a wonderful dad! Never remarried only had a handful of girlfriends in the last 30 years since our mother was murdered back in 83'. Our dad was a great provider for us. He was a hard worker and came to all our sports games. I was never a skinny kid like my sister but I was never fat also. I was a solid kid I played sports I was active. I ate like a pig.

In the summers we would go to Nebraska and spend the summers with our mothers side of the family. They spoiled up with treats. I ate like a piggy but my sister not so much. My grandmother cooked A LOT she always made us finish our food. Heaps of bacon eggs waffles with lots of Syrup "My fav!!" candy Cookies cakes homemade treats ect. I was always the first done and the only going back for more. I remember one summer at our aunts I ate 2 boxes of lucky charms for Breakfast with almost a whole gallon of milk. I was cut off then in the mornings at two bowls of Cereal.< /p>

As I grew up I learned to cook for my sister dad and I. I was in control of my/our food habits. I like sweet foods and processed foods so that's what we ate mostly. I baked cakes, cookies, brownies, sticky Buns ect.. (as I write this it's raising my demons)!! We ate whatever we wanted. I loved it then. Our dad did cook for us also good meals but he was also working like a dog trying to raise two teenage girls. Anyway....

I gain weight to hide myself. I was always a "thick" athletic girl. Always the bigger girl. I never had or wanted a boyfriend until a few weeks before I graduated high school I never wanted to be noticed.

I met my husband when I was 19 and I had lost 40 pounds after high school. I teased him about tricking him with being skinny and then being fat. He has never cared either way after 13 years together 12 married he still rubs my big body with the love reflected in them.

I really started to gain just about a year after we married. He was military and we always had party's and hosted huge dinners for the soldiers who stayed for the holidays. The unwanted attention started. I was appalled that "I was getting hit on in my own home" they said it was my fault. My husband never believed it. But in order to "protect" myself I gained. I would wake up 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night and eat cereal huge bowls then pass out only to wake up again and crave more. I always hid it from my husband I was ashamed. I would buy cakes form the store and eat it in my car right after I ate fast food.

It got to a point where when asked to get me a piece cake I got a whole cake. He didn't want to piss me off!

After gaining a huge amount I lost and gained for years and years after all that been a struggle ever since. I quit caring what I looked like or how I felt.

After hitting my all time HW at 278 while pregnant I was ok with it. Weird I know. I lost it and gained again a few times in the 2 years after our son was born via IVF. (that's a whole different thread for me) It also contributed to my weight gain in 2010, the meds messed me up. I hit my HW again this January and realized I wasn't able to PLAY with my son. I couldn't keep up. I couldn't run and chase him daddy had to. I was miserable and I hated myself and resented my husband for being able to move the way he did.

I took charge again, I still have good days and bad like I always have. I still want to binge I almost stopped while writing this to look for sweets. Anyway I just went on and on and probably missed the point of the thread but I wanted to get it out. Sorry

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I think this is the hard part about me losing the weight.. Part of me likes being invisible.

I don't like entering the potentially attractive world. Last time I lost weight I was picked up on! I was giddy happy I couldn't believe it!! (Oh I'm married so it doesn't matter) He was so handsome! I went home and binged?

I hate my fat self but I'm scared of my small self.

Is that why I've always regained?

This is me!!! Laura I have told you before how much I like you and can identify with your personally. (I don't show it here online much) back to being invisible even on here. I'm a binge eater a sneak eater and am ashamed!

Over the holiday I struggled more than I want to admit! The site is a life line in away. I read and post some but still hide. I read and it helps me learn how to deal with my addiction...

Here's me.....

My sister and I were raised by our Dad. He was a wonderful dad! Never remarried only had a handful of girlfriends in the last 30 years since our mother was murdered back in 83'. Our dad was a great provider for us. He was a hard worker and came to all our sports games. I was never a skinny kid like my sister but I was never fat also. I was a solid kid I played sports I was active. I ate like a pig.

In the summers we would go to Nebraska and spend the summers with our mothers side of the family. They spoiled up with treats. I ate like a piggy but my sister not so much. My grandmother cooked A LOT she always made us finish our food. Heaps of bacon eggs waffles with lots of Syrup "My fav!!" candy Cookies cakes homemade treats ect. I was always the first done and the only going back for more. I remember one summer at our aunts I ate 2 boxes of lucky charms for breakfast with almost a whole gallon of milk. I was cut off then in the mornings at two bowls of cereal.

As I grew up I learned to cook for my sister dad and I. I was in control of my/our food habits. I like sweet foods and processed foods so that's what we ate mostly. I baked cakes, cookies, brownies, sticky Buns ect.. (as I write this it's raising my demons)!! We ate whatever we wanted. I loved it then. Our dad did cook for us also good meals but he was also working like a dog trying to raise two teenage girls. Anyway....

I gain weight to hide myself. I was always a "thick" athletic girl. Always the bigger girl. I never had or wanted a boyfriend until a few weeks before I graduated high school I never wanted to be noticed.

I met my husband when I was 19 and I had lost 40 pounds after high school. I teased him about tricking him with being skinny and then being fat. He has never cared either way after 13 years together 12 married he still rubs my big body with the love reflected in them.

I really started to gain just about a year after we married. He was military and we always had party's and hosted huge dinners for the soldiers who stayed for the holidays. The unwanted attention started. I was appalled that "I was getting hit on in my own home" they said it was my fault. My husband never believed it. But in order to "protect" myself I gained. I would wake up 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night and eat cereal huge bowls then pass out only to wake up again and crave more. I always hid it from my husband I was ashamed. I would buy cakes form the store and eat it in my car right after I ate fast food.

It got to a point where when asked to get me a piece cake I got a whole cake. He didn't want to piss me off!

After gaining a huge amount I lost and gained for years and years after all that been a struggle ever since. I quit caring what I looked like or how I felt.

After hitting my all time HW at 278 while pregnant I was ok with it. Weird I know. I lost it and gained again a few times in the 2 years after our son was born via IVF. (that's a whole different thread for me) It also contributed to my weight gain in 2010, the meds messed me up. I hit my HW again this January and realized I wasn't able to PLAY with my son. I couldn't keep up. I couldn't run and chase him daddy had to. I was miserable and I hated myself and resented my husband for being able to move the way he did.

I took charge again, I still have good days and bad like I always have. I still want to binge I almost stopped while writing this to look for sweets. Anyway I just went on and on and probably missed the point of the thread but I wanted to get it out. Sorry

That is exactly the point of this thread..Ty so much for sharing your story with us..

[No game 14,437]

Sometimes I wish we all could meet... I would hold you.. With tears and love in my eyes.

I think this is the hard part about me losing the weight.. Part of me likes being invisible. I don't like entering the potentially attractive world. Last time I lost weight I was picked up on! I was giddy happy I couldn't believe it!! (Oh I'm married so it doesn't matter) He was so handsome! I went home and binged? I hate my fat self but I'm scared of my small self. Is that why I've always regained? This is me!!! Laura I have told you before how much I like you and can identify with your personally. (I don't show it here online much) back to being invisible even on here. I'm a binge eater a sneak eater and am ashamed! Over the holiday I struggled more than I want to admit! The site is a life line in away. I read and post some but still hide. I read and it helps me learn how to deal with my addiction... Here's me..... My sister and I were raised by our Dad. He was a wonderful dad! Never remarried only had a handful of girlfriends in the last 30 years since our mother was murdered back in 83'. Our dad was a great provider for us. He was a hard worker and came to all our sports games. I was never a skinny kid like my sister but I was never fat also. I was a solid kid I played sports I was active. I ate like a pig. In the summers we would go to Nebraska and spend the summers with our mothers side of the family. They spoiled up with treats. I ate like a piggy but my sister not so much. My grandmother cooked A LOT she always made us finish our food. Heaps of bacon eggs waffles with lots of Syrup "My fav!!" candy Cookies cakes homemade treats ect. I was always the first done and the only going back for more. I remember one summer at our aunts I ate 2 boxes of lucky charms for breakfast with almost a whole gallon of milk. I was cut off then in the mornings at two bowls of cereal. As I grew up I learned to cook for my sister dad and I. I was in control of my/our food habits. I like sweet foods and processed foods so that's what we ate mostly. I baked cakes, cookies, brownies, sticky Buns ect.. (as I write this it's raising my demons)!! We ate whatever we wanted. I loved it then. Our dad did cook for us also good meals but he was also working like a dog trying to raise two teenage girls. Anyway.... I gain weight to hide myself. I was always a "thick" athletic girl. Always the bigger girl. I never had or wanted a boyfriend until a few weeks before I graduated high school I never wanted to be noticed. I met my husband when I was 19 and I had lost 40 pounds after high school. I teased him about tricking him with being skinny and then being fat. He has never cared either way after 13 years together 12 married he still rubs my big body with the love reflected in them. I really started to gain just about a year after we married. He was military and we always had party's and hosted huge dinners for the soldiers who stayed for the holidays. The unwanted attention started. I was appalled that "I was getting hit on in my own home" they said it was my fault. My husband never believed it. But in order to "protect" myself I gained. I would wake up 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night and eat cereal huge bowls then pass out only to wake up again and crave more. I always hid it from my husband I was ashamed. I would buy cakes form the store and eat it in my car right after I ate fast food. It got to a point where when asked to get me a piece cake I got a whole cake. He didn't want to piss me off! After gaining a huge amount I lost and gained for years and years after all that been a struggle ever since. I quit caring what I looked like or how I felt. After hitting my all time HW at 278 while pregnant I was ok with it. Weird I know. I lost it and gained again a few times in the 2 years after our son was born via IVF. (that's a whole different thread for me) It also contributed to my weight gain in 2010, the meds messed me up. I hit my HW again this January and realized I wasn't able to PLAY with my son. I couldn't keep up. I couldn't run and chase him daddy had to. I was miserable and I hated myself and resented my husband for being able to move the way he did. I took charge again, I still have good days and bad like I always have. I still want to binge I almost stopped while writing this to look for sweets. Anyway I just went on and on and probably missed the point of the thread but I wanted to get it out. Sorry