The Uncomfortable Truth....

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

I haven't yet a clue what "maintenance" should look like for me. In my dreams, it is "eat whatever I want, just smaller amounts" but I suspect the reality for maintenance will more likely be "eat very carefully so as not to regain." I wish I knew.

My hope is that with tons of practice, eating very carefully will eventually feel like eating whatever I want, just in smaller amounts. Because with my "naturally skinny" friends, that is what I observe. It's not that they never indulge, but if I am paying attention they indulge in a very measured way.

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I haven't yet a clue what "maintenance" should look like for me. In my dreams, it is "eat whatever I want, just smaller amounts" but I suspect the reality for maintenance will more likely be "eat very carefully so as not to regain." I wish I knew.

My hope is that with tons of practice, eating very carefully will eventually feel like eating whatever I want, just in smaller amounts. Because with my "naturally skinny" friends, that is what I observe. It's not that they never indulge, but if I am paying attention they indulge in a very measured way.

The problem is they are also naturally skinny and we are not. Everyone's bodies process food differently. Some of us had ancestors who were really good at storing fat for the upcoming famine. My ancestors were Olympic champion fat storers.

Point being my maintenance eating won't necessarily look like theirs. Doesn't mean I have to be on a diet.....just more mindful than some folks.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Butter, what you have described in your maintenance sounds like what I hope mine is. But I know you also have worked very hard (and worked out a lot) to get to the point where you can do that.

Maybe I shouldn't be putting all of my eggs in the "new normal" basket. But I know from my difficult experience with gall bladder issues a few years back that to some extent the weight should come off with reduced calories, regardless of what I am actually eating. When you physically can't eat more than a little bit, it does. But I didn't make fabulous choices nutritionally either. My meals at that time looked like this:

Breakfast:

a slice of toast with butter

Lunch:

half a sandwich or burger; or Soup

Dinner:

handful of wheat thins and glass of wine

So, not far off of the calories I'm eating now. At that time, eating too much Protein was painful. And obviously then, once I started to feel better and could eat again I easily doubled or tripled the number of calories I was eating and as a special bonus I had messed severely with my metabolism. Because when I went on Optifast two years later, I had trouble losing more than 25 pounds and I gave up.

Anyway, don't mean to hijack the thread and make it about nutrition. I know what I should be doing and I'm working on making it second nature. I also know that at that time, when the weight fell off because I was feeling so sick, I had absolutely no focus on what would nourish me given that I couldn't take in very much.

[VSG AJH 499]

I don't know...maybe I need to just drink the Kool-aid and post some before and after pics and say "yeah me! I'm beautiful, skinny and cured!!"

LV, while I love to see your before/afters, I'm honestly SO glad you never post anything like that, because even pre-op (surgery tomorrow!), I know I'll never be "cured" from this obesity. The physical ailments stemming from my obesity might go away, but the demons that drove me to overindulge will be over huffing and puffing in a corner. I'm buttoning down for a year or so of what I anticipate will be a significant amount of upheaval and internal chaos, and if/when I reach the point that my spare 120 dissipates, I honestly doubt I'll be all, "yay, I'm thin," but rather, "yay, I have the upper hand -- for now."

[No game 14,437]

First off good luck tomorrow:) I know some may think I can bring down the fun and games somedays but the reality is that honesty helps pave the way.. For yourself and others...

"Normal" funny word really what is my idea of normal? Lol it's not me (no I'm not special) I realize I'm here with a bunch of people that were just a little "obese" and don't have the issues I have..

But last night I got to thinking.. There are a LOT of people here that struggle with their food demons before this surgery. And those demons do not magically disappear after. I'm in transition. I am further out. Six months was a transition too. I thought that was the major one. But I'm realizing it's just the first one.

Oh **** this this sounds so doom and gloom and it's not. It's just reality. It's my reality. I am "healthy" I am smaller.. I am a lot of things

LV, while I love to see your before/afters, I'm honestly SO glad you never post anything like that, because even pre-op (surgery tomorrow!), I know I'll never be "cured" from this obesity. The physical ailments stemming from my obesity might go away, but the demons that drove me to overindulge will be over huffing and puffing in a corner. I'm buttoning down for a year or so of what I anticipate will be a significant amount of upheaval and internal chaos, and if/when I reach the point that my spare 120 dissipates, I honestly doubt I'll be all, "yay, I'm thin," but rather, "yay, I have the upper hand -- for now."

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Here is some honesty for you...I will regret this after it is out there because it has totally made me who I am today.....Okay lets get started!

As a child I was in an emotionally destructive home with my father and mother and 9 siblings...My father constantly beat my mother and us up all the time...We were poor and they hardly ever provided us with nourishment or anything else...The rivalry that was between them never stopped them from reproducing in their crewed up way they got a long there...So I don't remember ever having a cookie or cake or any food for that matter...At the age of 5 my mother decided she had had enough and moved all us kids and herself into town and the poverty really began. I don't know what my mother did with the money she collected from welfare but the hunger remained...

I remember sharing one box of Kraft dinner with 9 of us and feeling like my guts were cut in 2 because instead of satisfying us it made the hunger worse. We ate a lot of Beans, Kraft dinner and Soup made from dog bones we got at the local grocery store for free. The children started to steal apples and fruit off of neighboring trees, and relied on strangers who saw our plight to give us something to eat at times....I can't remember a time that I was ever full..or any of my siblings remember that either...

A few years past and my mother married again..This man brought a bit of stability into our lives and was a gentle soul at first....We had food!!!! We hid food every where we could think of because we did not trust that it all would not happen again...

A few years have past and my mother convinced him that if he did not learn to discipline us she would end the relationship....The abuse cycle soon began again and continued until all of us eventually left home....It was abuse of every kind and all of us are scarred in different ways...

Me I built a wall that would not allow anyone to get close to me because I did not trust anyone including my brothers or relatives.

I started to gain weight in grade 5 and this was because I could not trust that there would be food tomorrow...So we were like a pack of dogs...feast or famine.....

I lost the excess when I was 15 and the extra attention I was getting was not welcome and I made the decision that if I was fat no one would bother me or try to give me that kind of attention....I started to regain the weight at 18. At nineteen I married my husband and then the whole world imploded....A man in my life...my mortal enemy... i went nuts and put weight on fast I could not handle marriage at all.

Mean while the abuse continued with my parents who instilled in us such fear and loyalty that we could not break it...it was a fear of the unknown...Know the devil your with then the one your not...you get it!!!

I tried so hard to keep normal and raised 2 kids and somehow kept my marriage together...the pain was so great and my life felt empty as it did when I was a child...we were all married and had children and my parents never answered for anything....At 40 I started having repressed memories and went for counseling....The only benefit from that was that I learned that I was a victim not the perp as my mother always said what did you do to him for him to do that to you.....

In 2000 I went home and traveled through my memories and that night I went into a nervous breakdown....followed by a major depression....Years have past and I have been working on every single issue that haunts me from my past and I have come a long way....I do not think I will ever be totally healed...I think that I am doing amazing considering I was raised by wolves...My mother is a psychopath and my step father was her lap dog....he did all her bidding!!!

So here I am today struggling with the last part of my inner and outer torment and working hard every day to find the good in myself and as I bring this wall down the fear of someone noticing me again is paralyzing..I might not have that issue since I am a lot older now...who knows...

I must beat my demons..the ones that brought me to this place and never allow them to hurt or damage me again..

This story is an over view of what I have gone through and my siblings are as scarred as I am but in different ways...

For me the numbers frighten me.. They are mere factors in a broader spectrum of life!

[ReDbEaN 654]

Here is some honesty for you...I will regret this after it is out there because it has totally made me who I am today.....Okay lets get started! As a child I was in an emotionally destructive home with my father and mother and 9 siblings...My father constantly beat my mother and us up all the time...We were poor and they hardly ever provided us with nourishment or anything else...The rivalry that was between them never stopped them from reproducing in their crewed up way they got a long there...So I don't remember ever having a cookie or cake or any food for that matter...At the age of 5 my mother decided she had had enough and moved all us kids and herself into town and the poverty really began. I don't know what my mother did with the money she collected from welfare but the hunger remained... I remember sharing one box of Kraft dinner with 9 of us and feeling like my guts were cut in 2 because instead of satisfying us it made the hunger worse. We ate a lot of Beans, Kraft dinner and Soup made from dog bones we got at the local grocery store for free. The children started to steal apples and fruit off of neighboring trees, and relied on strangers who saw our plight to give us something to eat at times....I can't remember a time that I was ever full..or any of my siblings remember that either... A few years past and my mother married again..This man brought a bit of stability into our lives and was a gentle soul at first....We had food!!!! We hid food every where we could think of because we did not trust that it all would not happen again... A few years have past and my mother convinced him that if he did not learn to discipline us she would end the relationship....The abuse cycle soon began again and continued until all of us eventually left home....It was abuse of every kind and all of us are scarred in different ways... Me I built a wall that would not allow anyone to get close to me because I did not trust anyone including my brothers or relatives. I started to gain weight in grade 5 and this was because I could not trust that there would be food tomorrow...So we were like a pack of dogs...feast or famine..... I lost the excess when I was 15 and the extra attention I was getting was not welcome and I made the decision that if I was fat no one would bother me or try to give me that kind of attention....I started to regain the weight at 18. At nineteen I married my husband and then the whole world imploded....A man in my life...my mortal enemy... i went nuts and put weight on fast I could not handle marriage at all. Mean while the abuse continued with my parents who instilled in us such fear and loyalty that we could not break it...it was a fear of the unknown...Know the devil your with then the one your not...you get it!!! I tried so hard to keep normal and raised 2 kids and somehow kept my marriage together...the pain was so great and my life felt empty as it did when I was a child...we were all married and had children and my parents never answered for anything....At 40 I started having repressed memories and went for counseling....The only benefit from that was that I learned that I was a victim not the perp as my mother always said what did you do to him for him to do that to you..... In 2000 I went home and traveled through my memories and that night I went into a nervous breakdown....followed by a major depression....Years have past and I have been working on every single issue that haunts me from my past and I have come a long way....I do not think I will ever be totally healed...I think that I am doing amazing considering I was raised by wolves...My mother is a psychopath and my step father was her lap dog....he did all her bidding!!! So here I am today struggling with the last part of my inner and outer torment and working hard every day to find the good in myself and as I bring this wall down the fear of someone noticing me again is paralyzing..I might not have that issue since I am a lot older now...who knows... I must beat my demons..the ones that brought me to this place and never allow them to hurt or damage me again.. This story is an over view of what I have gone through and my siblings are as scarred as I am but in different ways... For me the numbers frighten me.. They are mere factors in a broader spectrum of life!

Oh, RJ, how heartbreaking, but you are right, what you lived through has made you who you are today. I pray that God will continue to help you overcome the demons you struggle with. Hugs to you

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Here is some honesty for you...I will regret this after it is out there because it has totally made me who I am today.....Okay lets get started! As a child I was in an emotionally destructive home with my father and mother and 9 siblings...My father constantly beat my mother and us up all the time...We were poor and they hardly ever provided us with nourishment or anything else...The rivalry that was between them never stopped them from reproducing in their crewed up way they got a long there...So I don't remember ever having a cookie or cake or any food for that matter...At the age of 5 my mother decided she had had enough and moved all us kids and herself into town and the poverty really began. I don't know what my mother did with the money she collected from welfare but the hunger remained... I remember sharing one box of Kraft dinner with 9 of us and feeling like my guts were cut in 2 because instead of satisfying us it made the hunger worse. We ate a lot of Beans, Kraft dinner and Soup made from dog bones we got at the local grocery store for free. The children started to steal apples and fruit off of neighboring trees, and relied on strangers who saw our plight to give us something to eat at times....I can't remember a time that I was ever full..or any of my siblings remember that either... A few years past and my mother married again..This man brought a bit of stability into our lives and was a gentle soul at first....We had food!!!! We hid food every where we could think of because we did not trust that it all would not happen again... A few years have past and my mother convinced him that if he did not learn to discipline us she would end the relationship....The abuse cycle soon began again and continued until all of us eventually left home....It was abuse of every kind and all of us are scarred in different ways... Me I built a wall that would not allow anyone to get close to me because I did not trust anyone including my brothers or relatives. I started to gain weight in grade 5 and this was because I could not trust that there would be food tomorrow...So we were like a pack of dogs...feast or famine..... I lost the excess when I was 15 and the extra attention I was getting was not welcome and I made the decision that if I was fat no one would bother me or try to give me that kind of attention....I started to regain the weight at 18. At nineteen I married my husband and then the whole world imploded....A man in my life...my mortal enemy... i went nuts and put weight on fast I could not handle marriage at all. Mean while the abuse continued with my parents who instilled in us such fear and loyalty that we could not break it...it was a fear of the unknown...Know the devil your with then the one your not...you get it!!! I tried so hard to keep normal and raised 2 kids and somehow kept my marriage together...the pain was so great and my life felt empty as it did when I was a child...we were all married and had children and my parents never answered for anything....At 40 I started having repressed memories and went for counseling....The only benefit from that was that I learned that I was a victim not the perp as my mother always said what did you do to him for him to do that to you..... In 2000 I went home and traveled through my memories and that night I went into a nervous breakdown....followed by a major depression....Years have past and I have been working on every single issue that haunts me from my past and I have come a long way....I do not think I will ever be totally healed...I think that I am doing amazing considering I was raised by wolves...My mother is a psychopath and my step father was her lap dog....he did all her bidding!!! So here I am today struggling with the last part of my inner and outer torment and working hard every day to find the good in myself and as I bring this wall down the fear of someone noticing me again is paralyzing..I might not have that issue since I am a lot older now...who knows... I must beat my demons..the ones that brought me to this place and never allow them to hurt or damage me again.. This story is an over view of what I have gone through and my siblings are as scarred as I am but in different ways... For me the numbers frighten me.. They are mere factors in a broader spectrum of life!

Oh, RJ, how heartbreaking, but you are right, what you lived through has made you who you are today. I pray that God will continue to help you overcome the demons you struggle with. Hugs to you

The old expression applies here..."what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I'm going with that!!!

[No game 14,437]

RJ,

You are a strong woman, I've always suspected that by just seeing the strength and grace you have exhibited while going through the hardships of this surgery...

After reading your background I realize your strength is born from adversity and survival..

We are survivalists in the truest sense.

As you said, our siblings are or were scarred in different ways yes?

As my brother was..

In his death, I realized my strength, my ability to survive.

I'm looking forward to the days ahead of not just surviving and being strong, but having joy.

Joy and vulnerability..

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

RJ,

You are a strong woman, I've always suspected that by just seeing the strength and grace you have exhibited while going through the hardships of this surgery...

After reading your background I realize your strength is born from adversity and survival..

We are survivalists in the truest sense.

As you said, our siblings are or were scarred in different ways yes?

As my brother was..

In his death, I realized my strength, my ability to survive.

I'm looking forward to the days ahead of not just surviving and being strong, but having joy.

Joy and vulnerability..

Vulnerability....Why would you want that? Please explain what you mean please

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Sometimes when we are hurt, we shut ourselves off from everything. This saves us from the bad stuff, but it also prevents us from really knowing and having the good stuff.

Vulnerability in order to experience love and tenderness is a wonderful thing.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Sometimes when we are hurt, we shut ourselves off from everything. This saves us from the bad stuff, but it also prevents us from really knowing and having the good stuff.

Vulnerability in order to experience love and tenderness is a wonderful thing.

TY for your thought..Right away I took myself back in time to the people who almost destroyed me....I have an amazing family and a man that loves me beyond what I ever imagined....but every time I let my guard down someone punches me in the gut...Seems to be my lot...I am a survivor and always will be..I just want to wear my scars on the inside instead of so blatantly on the inside!

[No game 14,437]

"Between pain and nothing, I would choose pain."

I want to have joy, even if it means some pain.

It's so much better than nothing...

Vulnerability.. I want to feel, I want to not just have my walls up and survive.

I want to let it out, and let others in.

That means being open which means a certain amount of vulnerability.

Not to those that hurt me in the past, there is no bond there.. nothing to fix with that person(s).

Vulnerability....Why would you want that? Please explain what you mean please

[ReDbEaN 654]

Sometimes when we are hurt, we shut ourselves off from everything. This saves us from the bad stuff, but it also prevents us from really knowing and having the good stuff. Vulnerability in order to experience love and tenderness is a wonderful thing.

I know that feeling...the shutting people off...I know it keeps us from the "good" stuff but sometimes it's necessary

[Nicolanz 1,484]

Look up Brene Brown's lecture on vulnerability. She really opened up my eyes and heart to life and being present in it.