The Uncomfortable Truth....

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

I am Irish by descent and for SURE there are some of those attitudes in my past. But on the whole I think our parents do their best (and sometimes, their best is completely sucky.) I don't blame my parents at this point for my weight: I blame my own sneaky mind.

I can't tell you the number of times that I have joked with people that losing weight is as simple as decreasing calories eaten and increasing calories burned. Joked, because we all somehow want to hear that there is a magic bullet that will cure us of this, once and for all. I am not one of those people who "didn't know" what to do. I knew what calorie counts were for almost every food, I exercised, and I lamented the fact that I stayed at a set point pretty easily and was going up slowly in weight. There was some denial of my habits, and I never measured anything. But I suspect that my uncomfortable truth will be coming to grips, eventually, with why I didn't do it, or think I could do it long term. And why I didn't make my own health and comfort a priority.

The sleeve is creating accountability for me, in a strange way. In these early days while it is still difficult, uncomfortable, and harmful to overeat, I'm working on making over my habits. Yes, I know a couple of people who appear to have no trouble with their weight. Who are talented athletes. Who make their own health a priority, sometimes to the detriment of those around them. Who count their calories religiously. Who work out like demons. And, some who are young enough, lucky enough, or blessed enough with the type of metabolism that they can eat what they want and suffer seemingly no ill effects. Those are my skinny friends. So my continued accountability is probably going to be a combination of everything except the last three.

[Beach Lover 1,084]

You are well on your way to a successful weight loss story! This is exactly what is needed to make this work!! We are addicts of food using the food to mask our pain, happiness etc. No different than an alcoholic or drug addict. Same outcome of medicating what bothers us. You have to look back in life as you go through this journey and fix what didn't work! Otherwise it is just a diet with a little help that will end up with some regain. With that said regain can also be used to learn from. Why did that happen? Many circumstances in life can bring us to being food addicts it's a matter of decoding it.

I had a mother in the hospital a lot when I was young and spent many days being the mother. I gained weight as a child through this part of my life trying to feel better. Lost it as a teenager and regained it later because of an injury. The regain wasn't that bad but my mind wouldn't let me see it that way. I got depressed and gained more on top of it! The sleeve has allowed me to lose the weight and begin to feel good about myself again. I have realized that my body image has made me a prisoner for to long and will no longer be a slave to it. I am working on finding other ways to feel better about daily life issues, and the serious ones. Food is not the answer taking the problems head on in a realistic manor is what is working for me. In addition I have learned that carbs really are an enemy for me. They take me down a path of destructive thinking about my abilities and make me want them more. Learning yourself and how to make the changes is what it is all about!

Thank you for this thread it has helped me to further validate myself and what I have to do and be for a successful me!

[Nicolanz 1,484]

As much as I love my mother.....she contributed to my food issues as well. She was opposite of yours, though. She would make me feel like a complete low life fat ass if I went for a second helping or was hungry between mealtimes. She made me feel guilty which led to binge eating and eating secretly in shame. She didn't know how to express her concern. I understand though. I struggle with my own son who doesn't care about food and is so picky I have to stop myself from forcing food on him. I don't want him to have an unhealthy relationship with food. Sometimes we stress so much about doing right by our kids we cause more damage.

[blash67 82]

My childhood expains how I got started on the road to overeating, with some deeply ingrained habits. But to me, it doesn't explain why I was not able to change, despite a depth of food and nutrition and exercise and knowledge that could earn me a PhD. I long ago made peace with childhood issues. What I need now is to attend to today's issues, and also behavior management techniques to get me and keep me on track.

[No game 14,437]

My mother,

My food issues are so tied up in her and my father, not all of them of course and I am the one solely responsible for them as an adult.

But food and it's power were born to me at a very early age...

Funny thing is I was a very skinny young child,

My parents were out of control druggie alcoholics, probably had no business having kids, but weren't bright enough to care.

They separated/divorced when I was five.

And there started a childhood of control.

My mother would make me eat. "You are not leaving until you eat it all" hours of standoffs

My brother would beg and say "I'll throw up!"

And he did..

I never threw up, I wasn't that lucky, my father would scream "why are you making her eat?"

"She is getting fat!"

One wanted to feed the other wanted it to stop??

I don't know what my fathers motivation was really..

He was fixated on looks...my looks my weight. The fought about it for years, that's all I know..

As I got older he would call once in awhile and ask "are you still fat" (yes I got really fat) it's all he really cared about...

Funny at my brothers funeral (the first time I saw him in years by the way and the last) he told me my cousin would be there soon. He went on to tell me what a "beautiful" girl she is how he was so proud if her... She showed up 300 pounds maybe? And all I could think was WTF???

My mom, she was/ is messed up in many ways

yes. But I see her now and guess what? she still likes to feed. Not just me though, everyone, she's a great hostess.. It's not malicious, It actually gives her joy. She doesn't do it to be mean or to try and make people fat. She just wants to make people happy...

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My parents did the best they could - but were poor and were depression era people themselves. My dad was the food pusher - big time. We also ate alot of carbs and specifically dairy (as it was the family business). I was literally fattened up like a baby cow - unwittingly. We also ate alot of fresh veggies and meat from our farm but I was raised on carbs.... in that time nobody knew that some of us get huge on that kind of diet.

I did pretty good with my kiddos. No diets allowed. One of my sons is on the heavier side, but is NOT obese and does not have food issues beyond inheriting my unnaturally large appetite. He has done good staying in the range of normal even while off at college and eating all that junky food and drinking beer. I try to not lecture but share my info about how to eat in hopes that over the long haul he avoids my fate of morbid obesity.

Most of my nieces and nephews are huge. It is like a whole generation of 20 and 30 somethings is as fat or fatter then I was rather than just one or two of them. It is sad. There is definately a genetic and lifestyle component to all of this.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

I SOOOOOOO hear ya, Lauren. I haven't talked to my father in over 16 years. For pretty much the exact same reasons as you...

I proffered the analogy to those disgusted in my isolationist actions 'Okay, if you were forced to meet someone sporadically who every time they met you, annihilated every shred of confidence in you, constantly reaffirming that you were 'lesser' than they desired - would you keep talking to them?'... I cut those conversations dead....

With that being said - my mother was and is, an emotional mess... I only 'forgave' her, her 'sins', when I got a bit older. I realised, she was a product of her abusive environment...

It took this last weekend for my to realise that with age, my perception of my mother has been tempered with time and affection (I have massively redacted my story for the benefit of this thread). It took for my future husband to state in his broad (and I love it so dearly) southern drawl... 'Either way you look at it.. It was child abuse.. But you rose above it and now they want to use you as a trophy - despite doing nothin' to deserve the reflected glory.'...

Sometimes it takes a HUGE dose of objectivity to realise that after all.. you're okay... and you're doing your best...

I'm okay. I'm doing my best. I'm just finding the banality of Protein measurements, Water consumption, calorie counting and lofty statements of 'ooh, look at how much I've lost!' but the mere tip of the iceberg as to why I (and we) are here now and why I am struggling to conquer my demons.

They're deep and I know where they lurk.... and I don't believe I'm alone.

But on the plus side.. (scuse the pun)... I am a size 16.. one size bigger than my blonde-haired, blue eyed, supercilious, lesser educated, millionaire marrying and over-ovary stiumlated sister ;<sad and petty, but true>. I am also, smaller, better educated and better traveled than my millionaire brother. <sad, petty and true>.

What are the measurements of success - outside the dropping of physical inches?

Happiness without weight and freedom of conditional emotion? Yes, I'll take that.

[NMJG 1,266]

I am the one responsible for my weight ups and downs over the years, no doubt. But my mom, the quintessential Jewish mother, also provided an environment ripe for food issues. Three out of four kids have lifelong weight issues.

She was a great cook, and luckily for us, her Southern upbringing meant we had lots of vegetables. We had lots of everything, though. Cookies in the pantry for Snacks after school snack every day, for example. I was a skinny kid, but as soon as puberty hit and I stopped having recess and PE at school, 20 lbs. went on in no time, and more every year after that.

That's where the real problems started. My mom, heavy herself by this time, had no idea how to lose weight in a healthy manner. So we all started the weightloss cycle. One fad diet after another. Lose the weight then gain it back. Shots, fasting, liquid Protein, WW, you name it. Never was exercise included. And of course we destroyed our metabolisms. Even if we knew how to eat "normally" we couldn't hold a stable low weight.

I can't blame her, bless her heart, but I embraced every single bad habit over my life, along with the good ones.

[No game 14,437]

Sometimes it takes a HUGE dose of objectivity to realise that after all.. you're okay... and you're doing your best...

I'm okay. I'm doing my best. I'm just finding the banality of lofty statements of 'ooh, look at how much I've lost!' but the mere tip of the iceberg as to why I (and we) are here now and why I am struggling to conquer my demons.

What are the measurements of success - outside the dropping of physical inches?

Happiness without weight and freedom of conditional emotion? Yes, I'll take that.

Revs,

Thank you for a thought provoking thread

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

No thanks required, honey.

It was borne out of a need to evaluate where we all came from, why we're all here and how we're going to conquer more than our immediate fat-laden desires.

It is also a deft side step from the banality of pseudo 'helpful' statements which are fundamentally originated from individuals' need for self congratulation and reciprocal pats on the back.

So you manage to eat 100grms of cottage cheese and fresh air for the day? Yes, marvelous. How about those demons that brought you to this place, you ever-so-slightly-patronising and supercilious individual? Still hiding in the closet - along with those 'extraneous' size 26's you still have left to throw out?

Yeaaah.. It's one of 'those' days...

[No game 14,437]

I think I love you today:)

We all need more of "one of those days"

Truly my "want" to be here is on life support right now. My brain matter is scrambled into a superficial cluster of WLS dribble..

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

What?! You don't love me every day, LV?!!!

As for being here - we all need the humorous; but it has to be tempered with a deeper level of exploration as to how we got into this mess. Surely?

If people need 'social' outlets - then start threads which have nothing to do with bariatric surgery and dietry constraints. Hell, I wouldn't mind if threads were entitled 'my kids are driving me bonkers' or 'my husband is as useful as tits on a bore-hog'! It would certainly break the monotony of pseudo relevance to what we've elected to do to ourselves or what people are considering electing to do to themselves. It might also make people seem more 'human', too.... But would this invalidate the purpose of the website? I don't know...

I endeavored to touch on the 'emotional' with the 'dirty' little secrets thread as an attempt to furnish people, without condemnation, the ability to say 'hey, I'm human!' As it stood, it was completely misread, undermined and misrepresented by those who don't see further than their own noses and their own self-promulgating/promoting interests.

So, I shrug and attempt to move it on... By spreading my own insecurities, weaknesses and vulnerabilities out there, for the world to see, I hope it encourages those to acknowledge why they are actually here. Not just focus on the gram-count that seems to engulf peoples' worlds for the sake of seeing smaller numbers. We are whole human beings. Not calculators.

I hope this moves it on....

[No game 14,437]

Revs,

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

LOL love it! x