Have I Changed? Rocky Roads....

[Cherry 71]

So I am nearing 100 lb loss. I am about a sz 9-10, 145 lbs. I was like this when I first met my husband and then again at about year 4 of our 8 yr relationship. We have been staying at our guest house for the past 7 months due to my husband's job. It is in the town where I basically grew up.

I feel amazing; unstoppable; energetic; not fat; my clothes fit; I can dress up; I do my makeup, my hair, everything. And most of all, I can MOVE - I feel like a big ball of energy. It has restored my emotional state, my confidence, my self esteem. I deserved this and am worthy of feeling like this - NO ONE will tell me different.

OK, so the issue is; I worry my husband thinks our relationship is changing - that I am changing. He has been defensive, reluctant, impatient, and not understanding. Today he asked me "What's wrong with you that all you want to do is go out". To me this insinuated that he thinks there is something WRONG WITH ME. I have treid to explain things - he doesn't relate.

As for sex - no big deal. I had great sex with him when heavy, and still do - however I AM NOT INTERESTED IN IT - not with him, not with anyone. It is NOT a priority, interest, or hobby for me. My emotional state is far more important to me and I will NOT be berated for not making sex a focus/priority. My husband is HOT, good looking, smart etc - so I assure you it's not him. I just am not focused on it. And further, I CANNOT tolerate everything being sexualized.

I think my husband thinks that I have changed. I HAVEN'T - I just found myself again in some ways and am still looking for the rest of me that was buried under that fat and baggage I had with it. I am no different today than I am the first year of our relationship - other than personal growth.

I want to crowd surf, dance, listen to loud music, work hard every day, dress up, go out, go places, walk around cities.

He just thinks I AM WEIRD and have changed.

Anyone else gone through this? What was the result? Is this a bump or can I expect that HE is the one growing apart here? I am patient with him and understanding but not going to be a carpet. I love myself and worked hard to be like this again.

[music1618 879]

<p>So I am nearing 100 lb loss. I am about a sz 9-10, 145 lbs. I was like this when I first met my husband and then again at about year 4 of our 8 yr relationship. We have been staying at our guest house for the past 7 months due to my husband's job. It is in the town where I basically grew up.<br><br> I feel amazing; unstoppable; energetic; not fat; my clothes fit; I can dress up; I do my makeup, my hair, everything. And most of all, I can MOVE - I feel like a big ball of energy. It has restored my emotional state, my confidence, my self esteem. I deserved this and am worthy of feeling like this - NO ONE will tell me different.<br><br> OK, so the issue is; I worry my husband thinks our relationship is changing - that I am changing. He has been defensive, reluctant, impatient, and not understanding. Today he asked me "What's wrong with you that all you want to do is go out". To me this insinuated that he thinks there is something WRONG WITH ME. I have treid to explain things - he doesn't relate.<br><br> As for sex - no big deal. I had great sex with him when heavy, and still do - however I AM NOT INTERESTED IN IT - not with him, not with anyone. It is NOT a priority, interest, or hobby for me. My emotional state is far more important to me and I will NOT be berated for not making sex a focus/priority. My husband is HOT, good looking, smart etc - so I assure you it's not him. I just am not focused on it. And further, I CANNOT tolerate everything being sexualized.<br><br> I think my husband thinks that I have changed. I HAVEN'T - I just found myself again in some ways and am still looking for the rest of me that was buried under that fat and baggage I had with it. I am no different today than I am the first year of our relationship - other than personal growth.<br><br> I want to crowd surf, dance, listen to loud music, work hard every day, dress up, go out, go places, walk around cities.<br><br> He just thinks I AM WEIRD and have changed.<br><br> Anyone else gone through this? What was the result? Is this a bump or can I expect that HE is the one growing apart here? I am patient with him and understanding but not going to be a carpet. I love myself and worked hard to be like this again.</p>

I would not say that there is something wrong with you or him. Things are changing - you and him are changing. However change can be a good thing. Change allows us to grow, and learn about ourselves. Change does not always have to mean negative things. It sounds to me like you and hubby need to have a long talk. He has feelings and you have feelings and a good marriage is based off good communication.

I am much like you I have so much energy after the surgery. I want to go out and enjoy things and my hubby is a home body. He has always been a home body. This is where our communication is key. We come to compromises that benefit both of us.

As for the sex again I think your two need to have a long talk about it. We all go through periods in our marriages where sex takes a back seat. Right or wrong it is not always a priority. However I read I a book a long time ago - women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel love. It is the basic chemistry of the two sexes. For us sex makes us feel closer and connected. Maybe your husband just needs that connection, and maybe you do to without knowing it.

This surgery opens up so much to us. Many of us feel like we get back to who we truly are. We must remember that as we are changing we must communicate our feelings, wants, and desires to our partners. Many marriages fail after rny and a I truly believe it is because if communication issues. My marriage has gotten stronger, but we have worked at it and we talk all the time. Before the surgery we talked and have continued it.

I hope this helps and I wish you could luck.

[Amour.de.lionne 63]

All I have to say is girrrrl you've changed and that is not a bad thing! Your feeling great looking great and have more energy to do things you probably didn't do in a long time which seems weird to hubby because he hasn't seen you so interested in doing these things in a while! I think y'all should talk a nice deep convo and get your points out and see what's really bugging your hubby! But don't feel bad you want to live now and don't feel criticized, we torture ourselves in our chubby suits and when we finally take it off we deserve to flaunt our happiness with ourselves! Take care hun!

[chrystine 42]

Cherry, Congratulations on your weight loss! That is a wonderful accomplishment! From what you wrote, it sounds like a lot has changed. It sounds as though you are developing new interests and coming out of your shell. You have confidence, energy. It is understandable that your husband might wonder where he's going to fit into your life that has become a "ball of energy". I understand that you don't want everything to be about sex, who does, but I think you might want to let your husband know you love him, desire him and that he's still important to you. That might mean making love on occasion when you're not entirely in the mood. And yes, talk about the changes.

<p>So I am nearing 100 lb loss. I am about a sz 9-10, 145 lbs. I was like this when I first met my husband and then again at about year 4 of our 8 yr relationship. We have been staying at our guest house for the past 7 months due to my husband's job. It is in the town where I basically grew up.<br><br> I feel amazing; unstoppable; energetic; not fat; my clothes fit; I can dress up; I do my makeup, my hair, everything. And most of all, I can MOVE - I feel like a big ball of energy. It has restored my emotional state, my confidence, my self esteem. I deserved this and am worthy of feeling like this - NO ONE will tell me different.<br><br> OK, so the issue is; I worry my husband thinks our relationship is changing - that I am changing. He has been defensive, reluctant, impatient, and not understanding. Today he asked me "What's wrong with you that all you want to do is go out". To me this insinuated that he thinks there is something WRONG WITH ME. I have treid to explain things - he doesn't relate.<br><br> As for sex - no big deal. I had great sex with him when heavy, and still do - however I AM NOT INTERESTED IN IT - not with him, not with anyone. It is NOT a priority, interest, or hobby for me. My emotional state is far more important to me and I will NOT be berated for not making sex a focus/priority. My husband is HOT, good looking, smart etc - so I assure you it's not him. I just am not focused on it. And further, I CANNOT tolerate everything being sexualized.<br><br> I think my husband thinks that I have changed. I HAVEN'T - I just found myself again in some ways and am still looking for the rest of me that was buried under that fat and baggage I had with it. I am no different today than I am the first year of our relationship - other than personal growth.<br><br> I want to crowd surf, dance, listen to loud music, work hard every day, dress up, go out, go places, walk around cities.<br><br> He just thinks I AM WEIRD and have changed.<br><br> Anyone else gone through this? What was the result? Is this a bump or can I expect that HE is the one growing apart here? I am patient with him and understanding but not going to be a carpet. I love myself and worked hard to be like this again.</p>

I would not say that there is something wrong with you or him. Things are changing - you and him are changing. However change can be a good thing. Change allows us to grow, and learn about ourselves. Change does not always have to mean negative things. It sounds to me like you and hubby need to have a long talk. He has feelings and you have feelings and a good marriage is based off good communication.

I am much like you I have so much energy after the surgery. I want to go out and enjoy things and my hubby is a home body. He has always been a home body. This is where our communication is key. We come to compromises that benefit both of us.

As for the sex again I think your two need to have a long talk about it. We all go through periods in our marriages where sex takes a back seat. Right or wrong it is not always a priority. However I read I a book a long time ago - women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel love. It is the basic chemistry of the two sexes. For us sex makes us feel closer and connected. Maybe your husband just needs that connection, and maybe you do to without knowing it.

This surgery opens up so much to us. Many of us feel like we get back to who we truly are. We must remember that as we are changing we must communicate our feelings, wants, and desires to our partners. Many marriages fail after rny and a I truly believe it is because if communication issues. My marriage has gotten stronger, but we have worked at it and we talk all the time. Before the surgery we talked and have continued it.

I hope this helps and I wish you could luck.

So I am nearing 100 lb loss. I am about a sz 9-10, 145 lbs. I was like this when I first met my husband and then again at about year 4 of our 8 yr relationship. We have been staying at our guest house for the past 7 months due to my husband's job. It is in the town where I basically grew up.

I feel amazing; unstoppable; energetic; not fat; my clothes fit; I can dress up; I do my makeup, my hair, everything. And most of all, I can MOVE - I feel like a big ball of energy. It has restored my emotional state, my confidence, my self esteem. I deserved this and am worthy of feeling like this - NO ONE will tell me different.

OK, so the issue is; I worry my husband thinks our relationship is changing - that I am changing. He has been defensive, reluctant, impatient, and not understanding. Today he asked me "What's wrong with you that all you want to do is go out". To me this insinuated that he thinks there is something WRONG WITH ME. I have treid to explain things - he doesn't relate.

As for sex - no big deal. I had great sex with him when heavy, and still do - however I AM NOT INTERESTED IN IT - not with him, not with anyone. It is NOT a priority, interest, or hobby for me. My emotional state is far more important to me and I will NOT be berated for not making sex a focus/priority. My husband is HOT, good looking, smart etc - so I assure you it's not him. I just am not focused on it. And further, I CANNOT tolerate everything being sexualized.

I think my husband thinks that I have changed. I HAVEN'T - I just found myself again in some ways and am still looking for the rest of me that was buried under that fat and baggage I had with it. I am no different today than I am the first year of our relationship - other than personal growth.

I want to crowd surf, dance, listen to loud music, work hard every day, dress up, go out, go places, walk around cities.

He just thinks I AM WEIRD and have changed.

Anyone else gone through this? What was the result? Is this a bump or can I expect that HE is the one growing apart here? I am patient with him and understanding but not going to be a carpet. I love myself and worked hard to be like this again.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

First, congratulations on your wonderful weight loss journey. You have made the physical part of WLS a phenomenal success!

I'm a noob here. But I already know that a lot of marriages don't survive weight loss surgery. Marriages that fail do so for a lot of different reasons.

It sounds to me like you are the one who's changing. That's not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing. And for now (either permanently or temporarily -- it's not clear yet) you want to change your life in some specific ways. But your husband is having a negative reaction. Put those two things together and it's something that could become a bad thing.

You've surely read the same WLS boards I have. The saddest stories to me are the ones where the WLS partner "went wild" (their words, not mine) and enjoyed life in ways they had sorely missed when they were heavier, some for the very first time, "getting it out of their system." It seems to be a phase they are compelled to go through. For people already in committed relationships these changes usually cause or exacerbate problems in their marriage. A year or two later, some of these WLS patients realize they're now done with that phase. They realize the cost of their adventure was higher than they wish they'd paid.

I would gently suggest that it's time for old-fashioned communication between you and you husband. You both need to find out what your respective bottom lines are. And you need to communicate those clearly and respectfully. Then you two must negotiate what you're willing to pay for what you really want. A counselor might be able to help you have this conversation.

As someone who's been through this and seen even it in others, please be very careful about "winning." If both people don't win, the relationship won't last -- or worse, you will stay together and one or both of you will be miserable.

I wish you the best in addressing this new phase in your marriage. Naturally, I have no idea what the best outcome for you is.

Good luck,

Ann

[Cherry 71]

The saddest stories to me are the ones where the WLS partner "went wild" (their words, not mine) and enjoyed life in ways they had sorely missed when they were heavier, some for the very first time, "getting it out of their system." It seems to be a phase they are compelled to go through. For people already in committed relationships these changes usually cause or exacerbate problems in their marriage. A year or two later, some of these WLS patients realize they're now done with that phase. They realize the cost of their adventure was higher than they wish they'd paid.

All of your responses made me feel a little sad to be honest. I really dont feel as if I am the one who is changing. I DO however realize that as I got heavier through the years, our relationship really changed. Now that I am 'thin' I feel like some of the life in me is returning. I feel so good. MY husband is a bit of a drag! He wasn't always like this. In the past few years I have been asked several times why I stay in the relationship. I am not a 'victim' nor manipulated, nor here "because I love him". I have chosen to stay for lengthy reasons I wont get in to.

The quote above though is something I am fearful of right now. I wonder if I am going wild in some way! I am not looking for anything from anyone, but going out has been amazing - and yes, in part due to the ENNORMOUS attention I get. It's INSANE - and it's not the 1st time I have experienced it. I was thin when I first met my hubby and always received superfictial attention. It's also the attention I have gotten at work, at events I attend, even in my family. I would have hoped that he would be flattered by this and WANT to be places with me - after all, I am HIS wife. But nope, he wants to stay home and tell me he doesn't relate to wanting to go out - he is anti-social. I am not. I am joining another dance class in January which means at least 1-2 more nights I will not be home. Uggg, will see. Tonight is a class reunion that he said he was NOT going to - then suddenly an hour ago he says he IS going. Originally I wanted him to - and now, well nope I dont think I want him there. That's terrible of me - I will have more fun if he stays home

[*Misty*Raine* 192]

All of your responses made me feel a little sad to be honest. I really dont feel as if I am the one who is changing. I DO however realize that as I got heavier through the years, our relationship really changed. Now that I am 'thin' I feel like some of the life in me is returning. I feel so good. MY husband is a bit of a drag! He wasn't always like this. In the past few years I have been asked several times why I stay in the relationship. I am not a 'victim' nor manipulated, nor here "because I love him". I have chosen to stay for lengthy reasons I wont get in to. The quote above though is something I am fearful of right now. I wonder if I am going wild in some way! I am not looking for anything from anyone, but going out has been amazing - and yes, in part due to the ENNORMOUS attention I get. It's INSANE - and it's not the 1st time I have experienced it. I was thin when I first met my hubby and always received superfictial attention. It's also the attention I have gotten at work, at events I attend, even in my family. I would have hoped that he would be flattered by this and WANT to be places with me - after all, I am HIS wife. But nope, he wants to stay home and tell me he doesn't relate to wanting to go out - he is anti-social. I am not. I am joining another dance class in January which means at least 1-2 more nights I will not be home. Uggg, will see. Tonight is a class reunion that he said he was NOT going to - then suddenly an hour ago he says he IS going. Originally I wanted him to - and now, well nope I dont think I want him there. That's terrible of me - I will have more fun if he stays home

Hey lady! I seen ur post and wanted to check in and see how things are going with ya!? How are things with hubby? The reason I'm asking is I'm kinda going thru the same thing right now with mine, but the problem is I haven't even had the surgery yet. As soon as I announced I wanted to go thru with it... He was totally not on board. And urs sounds exactly like mine! I'm just curious where things are now? At the rate I'm going I don't see us making it to WLS date. Ugh!

[Cherry 71]

Sadly, although I do believe this marraige can be saved, my husband doesn't want to do his share... he continues to remain stubborn which results to me as immaturity. He is verbally abusive in the subtlest of ways on a daily basis, resulting in compulsive and constant criticism. The stronger I become, the more I recognize it. It's so sad to me because all I ever did was love him - and all my negativity is a reaction to his abuse. If the abuse would stop, my attitude towards him would improve. I never wanted to end the relationship, I just wanted the abuse to stop.

I am approaching a 100 lb weight loss. He never wanted me to have the surgery, was never supportive of it, and he actually wasn't even there when I had it. If you search some of my EARLIEST posts, you might find the ones about how I went through the entire surgery alone - it was secrative; no one knew. I had a friend drop me off and a different friend pick me up. I did everything on my own from the first consultation. It is a HUGE secret that I bear the weight of carrying and also worry that IF our relationship should go splitsville, he will expose me.

We spent the day fighting and I am drained, or else I would write more. I'd offer you my direct email, but he reads it. This is one place he doesn't come to - and I clear my history at times to be sure he isn't snooping in my computer visits.

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

Sadly, although I do believe this marraige can be saved, my husband doesn't want to do his share... he continues to remain stubborn which results to me as immaturity. He is verbally abusive in the subtlest of ways on a daily basis, resulting in compulsive and constant criticism. The stronger I become, the more I recognize it. It's so sad to me because all I ever did was love him - and all my negativity is a reaction to his abuse. If the abuse would stop, my attitude towards him would improve. I never wanted to end the relationship, I just wanted the abuse to stop. I am approaching a 100 lb weight loss. He never wanted me to have the surgery, was never supportive of it, and he actually wasn't even there when I had it. If you search some of my EARLIEST posts, you might find the ones about how I went through the entire surgery alone - it was secrative; no one knew. I had a friend drop me off and a different friend pick me up. I did everything on my own from the first consultation. It is a HUGE secret that I bear the weight of carrying and also worry that IF our relationship should go splitsville, he will expose me. We spent the day fighting and I am drained, or else I would write more. I'd offer you my direct email, but he reads it. This is one place he doesn't come to - and I clear my history at times to be sure he isn't snooping in my computer visits.

I said it months ago when you were pre-op, but ASS HOLE. Sums it up. Selfish, thoughtless, uncaring, and undeserving of your concern and worry. NO ONE sends their spouse to have major surgery alone. Even if he doesn't support the surgery, his job as your husband is to support you (and worry and care). That he allowed you to have major surgery completely alone speaks volumes on his character (or lack there of). Please know you deserve someone that dares about you and know we're here if you need us.

[Cherry 71]

Well in no way will I defend my husband's abuse, but your perception is askew about me having the surgery alone....

He works out of state and if he misses, he loses the job. He was scheduled to be out of state that month and I knew that all the while I was planning. He woud have stayed had I asked him, but I didn't want him to for many reasons.... but moreso, I didn't NEED him to. I am not suggesting that anyone can get through this surgery on thier own, but I knew I could and I did. There were contacts I made here and other forums and even through my surgical center who offered to come stay with me. I declined. In retrospect, I was lucky that everything went well. He never wanted me to have it, and when he knew I would anyway, he certainly didn't want me to do it alone. I didn't want him there.

You are correct in that he is NOT supportive. He is selfish. He is emotionally immature. On the flip side, there would be those who would have said I was selfish to have a surgery my husband didn't support and couln't be there for due to work. He also didn't "allow me" - I never asked his permission nor needed it - I know this is a play on your words, but I was going to do what I wanted FOR ONCE - and I did

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

Well in no way will I defend my husband's abuse, but your perception is askew about me having the surgery alone.... He works out of state and if he misses, he loses the job. He was scheduled to be out of state that month and I knew that all the while I was planning. He woud have stayed had I asked him, but I didn't want him to for many reasons.... but moreso, I didn't NEED him to. I am not suggesting that anyone can get through this surgery on thier own, but I knew I could and I did. There were contacts I made here and other forums and even through my surgical center who offered to come stay with me. I declined. In retrospect, I was lucky that everything went well. He never wanted me to have it, and when he knew I would anyway, he certainly didn't want me to do it alone. I didn't want him there. You are correct in that he is NOT supportive. He is selfish. He is emotionally immature. On the flip side, there would be those who would have said I was selfish to have a surgery my husband didn't support and couln't be there for due to work. He also didn't "allow me" - I never asked his permission nor needed it - I know this is a play on your words, but I was going to do what I wanted FOR ONCE - and I did

my apologies, from the message you posted above about him being against it and friends dropping you off I got the impression he'd just totally abandoned you for the surgery. My bad, I'm out of this (but you deserve better).

[Tgarden 76]

Cherry-It sounds like you a going through a GREAT deal of change and uncertainty right now, and I just want you to know that I'll say a prayer for you! Stay strong, and keep those lines of communication open. Your WL is amazing, and I'm inspired by everything you have accomplished!