Still In A Coma!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

RJ, I am so sorry to hear of your latest setback. This, sadly, is another bump in the road of your journey.

You always show amazing strength, kindness and grace on these boards. I am quite sure this is how you live your live out there in the real world as well. Sending blessings your way.

Thank you for your kindness!

[gamergirl 4,610]

RJ I'm so sorry you have one more thing to deal with. You know we are here for you, but I do wish I were there to be of practical help to you.

Do you think it would help you to tell these people how you felt about them not being there for your family when they were needed? I'm sure you discussed that in therapy but for me, saying out loud what's in my heart helps me let go of the burden some.

There certainly are revelations about true friends when we are down. I had a friend insist on coming to take care of me when I was seriously ill and wanting to be alone. I was too weak to fight her. So she comes to stay---and then proceeds to get drunk and spend her entire evening on the phone with her boyfriend. Oh and she wanted to talk about going into business with me, if I ever got well enough to work again . People can be so thoughtless sometimes.

Anyway I do hope you feel better and that this next chapter is easier resolved than what you went through. Also wondering if maybe you should consider celebrating a half anniversary instead if letting your 36th go by? (Congrats on that btw!) my older sons bday is very close to Christmas so when he was little,we used to Celebrate it in June instead.

[Beach Lover 1,084]

I am so sorry to hear that you are back in the hospital! I wish for you a speedy recovery!! You will be in my prayers!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

RJ I'm so sorry you have one more thing to deal with. You know we are here for you, but I do wish I were there to be of practical help to you.

Do you think it would help you to tell these people how you felt about them not being there for your family when they were needed? I'm sure you discussed that in therapy but for me, saying out loud what's in my heart helps me let go of the burden some.

There certainly are revelations about true friends when we are down. I had a friend insist on coming to take care of me when I was seriously ill and wanting to be alone. I was too weak to fight her. So she comes to stay---and then proceeds to get drunk and spend her entire evening on the phone with her boyfriend. Oh and she wanted to talk about going into business with me, if I ever got well enough to work again . People can be so thoughtless sometimes.

Anyway I do hope you feel better and that this next chapter is easier resolved than what you went through. Also wondering if maybe you should consider celebrating a half anniversary instead if letting your 36th go by? (Congrats on that btw!) my older sons bday is very close to Christmas so when he was little,we used to Celebrate it in June instead.

When I was starting to feel better I wrote letters to a few of them that really let me down...The responses were more condescending then saying they were sorry....Using the expression " I am sorry you feel this way" is an apology without apologizing....I have no tolerance for that...and have told those ones not to enter my world again....Yes I should celebrate number 36....seems like a long time for us....But we can do it maybe when the pain is not so fresh again...

I so hope next year I will not feel this bad that every year it will get easier and easier..That is my hope anyway....One of my friends told me that the entire ordeal is still just under the surface for me....She is right, and the more that is tossed on to the pile makes it that much harder....Thank you gamergirl for your thoughts!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I am so sorry to hear that you are back in the hospital! I wish for you a speedy recovery!! You will be in my prayers!

LOL..not there yet, they are just threatening me....yikes!

[Sydney Susan 333]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me...I am touched by your kindness.....

I suffer from chronic depression and have for 14 years now......So as soon as you think you are ahead of the game something else takes you down again....the knowledge that everyone kept going on with their lives affected my family more then me at that time...My hubby still talks about a year later how the world never stopped when he almost lost me...

I meant that the people in my life changed, those I thought were my family and friends forgot about me and did not even send me a card or flowers or even, even send my hubby a small meal to help him as he drove 1 1/2 hours back and forth to the hospital every single day....I am having trouble dealing with those people as well who were so wrapped up in there own lives they did not help me or mine when I was in need.....

I was always there for them and now it is being all brought back to my mind and my heart hurts...I never realized how alone I was or am in my world and have been trying so hard to deal with the changes...

People who I thought would always be there and saw me as a friend abandoned me and mine...I can't go past that and forgive them...I can't...I have to let it all go I know but it is like it is all coming back up in my face and hurting me so much.....So many things happened that I can not understand.....I have not spent time with any of them after I came home because of how things went down.....some are now trying to return to our friendship now that I am out of the worst of it....But I will not ever let them.......

Every day I look at my differences that I have made and the strength that I have had to bring from deep inside and wonder why....What made them all forget about me when I was in the hospital?...What could my family have done to be not helped or even given a second thought.....It is so much pain and right now it is all back in my face...It is like I am reliving it......

Sorry for the venting....I have had years of therapy to help me with all my issues....I can no longer look to others for help..I have to find it within myself....I will do that and get a balance on all of it.......I promise!

I suspect if your husband was in a coma and you were driving 3 hours to see him, things would have been quite different. Women generally support women pretty well, coming off the back of relationships in which they share a lot about feelings, hopes and fears. - men often don't have those sort of relationships and so don't get the follow up.

And the reality is people just don't get it - they can't believe what's happening and the routine of their lives grabs them and sweeps them up. Having said all that, I reckon you and your hubby have good reason to be both hurt and angry about what happened, and there are probably a few select people who need to hear that directly from you. Have you done that? Or could you?

The last thing I would like to say is - not everyone is good at "stepping up". In fact most aren't but will respond when asked. It only takes one person to get that ball rolling, and unfortunately that person wasn't there when your hubby needed help. We all hope we have that person in our lives but many, many people don't ... for heaps of different reasons. One of which is that often people assume someone else is able to do it better and probably is. That they don't really have much to offer.

Talking about it here... and wherever else you can... is a gift to others. It reminds us all what we MUST do, even if we feel uncomfortable or 99% sure that someone else is doing all the supporting.

Although it never hurts to look "inside" and see if that experience includes some feedback that you or your hubby need to take on board, there probably isn't. It wasn't personal - rather an unhappy collision of small gaps and others insecurities.

About 10 years ago, when I was working horrid long hours with a nasty b*tch of a boss and a five year old son who desparately wanted more time with mum, a friend with no local family had a difficult birth, and also had 2 other small children. The day she got home from hospital I drove to see her and picked up a frozen lasagne, garlic bread and pre-made salad on the way. Her husband was on the verge of being offended - thinking he could pop up the shops and get frozen food all by himself. I felt really stupid for a moment, and further swamped by my out of control life, but my very smart friend called out "Leave her alone, she's taking the one job off you that she could AND she's checking we're all doing ok". And then she embraced me and my frozen lasagne and said "thank you" a dozen times. No one else had come near them and they were hurting. I vowed from then on to always try to do that one small job for someone else in need, even if it seems woefully inadequate. You just never know.

Take care and good luck.

PS: Sorry for v long post. Seems to be therapy for me too.

[FitnFabfor2014 358]

It's not uncommon these days for people who have major health issues - short or long term - to be diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder. I think that complete sense of dislocation from everyone else goes a long way to explaining that. It's profound.

Your op reminded me of the day my father died, in 1983. I was 22 and living at home as still at Uni. My father had a heart attack early in the morning, as we were all getting ready for work, school and Uni. I did CPR until the ambulance arrived and then travelled with him to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead. I still recall vividly my brother driving me back home through morning peak hour traffic - me still in my nightie, watching in disbelief as the world continued without hesitation. That's a very small experience c/w you awakening after 19 days to find people had been traumatised but had also moved on to an extent... like a glimpse at a world without you. Yet 30 years later, I was in that car, remembering the early morning winter daylight and my anger and disbelief. These experiences are immensely powerful.

I think the answer is that it takes a long time to recover, you do but there will always be feelings that can be evoked very quickly. A little counselling will help, I'm sure. As will time.

Good luck.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me...I am touched by your kindness.....

I suffer from chronic depression and have for 14 years now......So as soon as you think you are ahead of the game something else takes you down again....the knowledge that everyone kept going on with their lives affected my family more then me at that time...My hubby still talks about a year later how the world never stopped when he almost lost me...

I meant that the people in my life changed, those I thought were my family and friends forgot about me and did not even send me a card or flowers or even, even send my hubby a small meal to help him as he drove 1 1/2 hours back and forth to the hospital every single day....I am having trouble dealing with those people as well who were so wrapped up in there own lives they did not help me or mine when I was in need.....

I was always there for them and now it is being all brought back to my mind and my heart hurts...I never realized how alone I was or am in my world and have been trying so hard to deal with the changes...

People who I thought would always be there and saw me as a friend abandoned me and mine...I can't go past that and forgive them...I can't...I have to let it all go I know but it is like it is all coming back up in my face and hurting me so much.....So many things happened that I can not understand.....I have not spent time with any of them after I came home because of how things went down.....some are now trying to return to our friendship now that I am out of the worst of it....But I will not ever let them.......

Every day I look at my differences that I have made and the strength that I have had to bring from deep inside and wonder why....What made them all forget about me when I was in the hospital?...What could my family have done to be not helped or even given a second thought.....It is so much pain and right now it is all back in my face...It is like I am reliving it......

Sorry for the venting....I have had years of therapy to help me with all my issues....I can no longer look to others for help..I have to find it within myself....I will do that and get a balance on all of it.......I promise!

Hi RJ,

I can completely relate with what you are saying. I went through something similar regarding so called "friends" and them not being there when we really thought they would be. I really had to step back and decide if those are people that I wanted in my life. Although it was not easy to make the decision, it was a decision we had to make. Especially when it gets to the point where they try to turn the tables and make it about us. At some point we have to do what is healthy for us mentally so we can get better physically. In life there will be people that will come in and out of our lives. We accept that and it sure does not make it any easier. I am so sorry to hear about your journey but, you can say this.....you are here and you are alive. You are able to spend another day and another holiday with your friends and family. Even though your spirits are low hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that you have weathered through the storm. Hopefully you have gone through the eye of the storm and this minor setback will give you more strength to continue. I understand that the constant medical issues are enough to drive you crazy. Hopefully you don't let it consume you. I have read a lot of your comments on here. You sound like a loving and caring person. I am sure you have friends and family that would move heaven and earth for you (one sounds like your amazing husband). Stay strong and keep your head up. You ARE amazing!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me...I am touched by your kindness.....

I suffer from chronic depression and have for 14 years now......So as soon as you think you are ahead of the game something else takes you down again....the knowledge that everyone kept going on with their lives affected my family more then me at that time...My hubby still talks about a year later how the world never stopped when he almost lost me...

I meant that the people in my life changed, those I thought were my family and friends forgot about me and did not even send me a card or flowers or even, even send my hubby a small meal to help him as he drove 1 1/2 hours back and forth to the hospital every single day....I am having trouble dealing with those people as well who were so wrapped up in there own lives they did not help me or mine when I was in need.....

I was always there for them and now it is being all brought back to my mind and my heart hurts...I never realized how alone I was or am in my world and have been trying so hard to deal with the changes...

People who I thought would always be there and saw me as a friend abandoned me and mine...I can't go past that and forgive them...I can't...I have to let it all go I know but it is like it is all coming back up in my face and hurting me so much.....So many things happened that I can not understand.....I have not spent time with any of them after I came home because of how things went down.....some are now trying to return to our friendship now that I am out of the worst of it....But I will not ever let them.......

Every day I look at my differences that I have made and the strength that I have had to bring from deep inside and wonder why....What made them all forget about me when I was in the hospital?...What could my family have done to be not helped or even given a second thought.....It is so much pain and right now it is all back in my face...It is like I am reliving it......

Sorry for the venting....I have had years of therapy to help me with all my issues....I can no longer look to others for help..I have to find it within myself....I will do that and get a balance on all of it.......I promise!

I suspect if your husband was in a coma and you were driving 3 hours to see him, things would have been quite different. Women generally support women pretty well, coming off the back of relationships in which they share a lot about feelings, hopes and fears. - men often don't have those sort of relationships and so don't get the follow up.

And the reality is people just don't get it - they can't believe what's happening and the routine of their lives grabs them and sweeps them up. Having said all that, I reckon you and your hubby have good reason to be both hurt and angry about what happened, and there are probably a few select people who need to hear that directly from you. Have you done that? Or could you?

The last thing I would like to say is - not everyone is good at "stepping up". In fact most aren't but will respond when asked. It only takes one person to get that ball rolling, and unfortunately that person wasn't there when your hubby needed help. We all hope we have that person in our lives but many, many people don't ... for heaps of different reasons. One of which is that often people assume someone else is able to do it better and probably is. That they don't really have much to offer.

Talking about it here... and wherever else you can... is a gift to others. It reminds us all what we MUST do, even if we feel uncomfortable or 99% sure that someone else is doing all the supporting.

Although it never hurts to look "inside" and see if that experience includes some feedback that you or your hubby need to take on board, there probably isn't. It wasn't personal - rather an unhappy collision of small gaps and others insecurities.

About 10 years ago, when I was working horrid long hours with a nasty b*tch of a boss and a five year old son who desparately wanted more time with mum, a friend with no local family had a difficult birth, and also had 2 other small children. The day she got home from hospital I drove to see her and picked up a frozen lasagne, garlic bread and pre-made salad on the way. Her husband was on the verge of being offended - thinking he could pop up the shops and get frozen food all by himself. I felt really stupid for a moment, and further swamped by my out of control life, but my very smart friend called out "Leave her alone, she's taking the one job off you that she could AND she's checking we're all doing ok". And then she embraced me and my frozen lasagne and said "thank you" a dozen times. No one else had come near them and they were hurting. I vowed from then on to always try to do that one small job for someone else in need, even if it seems woefully inadequate. You just never know.

Take care and good luck.

PS: Sorry for v long post. Seems to be therapy for me too.

I have always been the step up kind and rallied the the troops to help others.....Did so and am still doing so....One friend kept everyone updated a little on the situation and the need for help and no one responded except her and some of my neighbors....It's okay because I now know who I can trust and believe and who I cannot....I learned a grave lesson through all of this. I really have....

Now it has gotten out that I am smaller and lost a ton of weight and those very same people want to get a look at me to see if it is true..I so far have been so shocked about the obvious way they have approached me that I was not prepared...But now I am and I will be from now on....

I am so happy that you have told me your thoughts I appreciate the fact that you are a giving person and found the time to help others....It is a lesson we all need to learn to take the chance and help others whether we don't know what to do or not..

It is one reason a lot of people don't visit people who are dying...They think what if I say something dumb? Or what do I say? The point is that you went you tried and they will remember your visit...I only know of total disappointment from all of them.....

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

It's not uncommon these days for people who have major health issues - short or long term - to be diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder. I think that complete sense of dislocation from everyone else goes a long way to explaining that. It's profound.

Your op reminded me of the day my father died, in 1983. I was 22 and living at home as still at Uni. My father had a heart attack early in the morning, as we were all getting ready for work, school and Uni. I did CPR until the ambulance arrived and then travelled with him to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead. I still recall vividly my brother driving me back home through morning peak hour traffic - me still in my nightie, watching in disbelief as the world continued without hesitation. That's a very small experience c/w you awakening after 19 days to find people had been traumatised but had also moved on to an extent... like a glimpse at a world without you. Yet 30 years later, I was in that car, remembering the early morning winter daylight and my anger and disbelief. These experiences are immensely powerful.

I think the answer is that it takes a long time to recover, you do but there will always be feelings that can be evoked very quickly. A little counselling will help, I'm sure. As will time.

Good luck.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me...I am touched by your kindness.....

I suffer from chronic depression and have for 14 years now......So as soon as you think you are ahead of the game something else takes you down again....the knowledge that everyone kept going on with their lives affected my family more then me at that time...My hubby still talks about a year later how the world never stopped when he almost lost me...

I meant that the people in my life changed, those I thought were my family and friends forgot about me and did not even send me a card or flowers or even, even send my hubby a small meal to help him as he drove 1 1/2 hours back and forth to the hospital every single day....I am having trouble dealing with those people as well who were so wrapped up in there own lives they did not help me or mine when I was in need.....

I was always there for them and now it is being all brought back to my mind and my heart hurts...I never realized how alone I was or am in my world and have been trying so hard to deal with the changes...

People who I thought would always be there and saw me as a friend abandoned me and mine...I can't go past that and forgive them...I can't...I have to let it all go I know but it is like it is all coming back up in my face and hurting me so much.....So many things happened that I can not understand.....I have not spent time with any of them after I came home because of how things went down.....some are now trying to return to our friendship now that I am out of the worst of it....But I will not ever let them.......

Every day I look at my differences that I have made and the strength that I have had to bring from deep inside and wonder why....What made them all forget about me when I was in the hospital?...What could my family have done to be not helped or even given a second thought.....It is so much pain and right now it is all back in my face...It is like I am reliving it......

Sorry for the venting....I have had years of therapy to help me with all my issues....I can no longer look to others for help..I have to find it within myself....I will do that and get a balance on all of it.......I promise!

Hi RJ,

I can completely relate with what you are saying. I went through something similar regarding so called "friends" and them not being there when we really thought they would be. I really had to step back and decide if those are people that I wanted in my life. Although it was not easy to make the decision, it was a decision we had to make. Especially when it gets to the point where they try to turn the tables and make it about us. At some point we have to do what is healthy for us mentally so we can get better physically. In life there will be people that will come in and out of our lives. We accept that and it sure does not make it any easier. I am so sorry to hear about your journey but, you can say this.....you are here and you are alive. You are able to spend another day and another holiday with your friends and family. Even though your spirits are low hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that you have weathered through the storm. Hopefully you have gone through the eye of the storm and this minor setback will give you more strength to continue. I understand that the constant medical issues are enough to drive you crazy. Hopefully you don't let it consume you. I have read a lot of your comments on here. You sound like a loving and caring person. I am sure you have friends and family that would move heaven and earth for you (one sounds like your amazing husband). Stay strong and keep your head up. You ARE amazing!

I know that if you experienced the same thing then there were times when your heart has been broken over false friends...I am more upset about the lack of help toward my husband then me..I was stuck in the hospital for 5 months while he cared for everything else..Nothing could compare to the strength he showed and shared....I fell in love with him all over again while I was in the hospital..He is my champion and I use it every day to give me strength to carry on......Thank you for sharing with me!!

[Sydney Susan 333]

Anniversaries - esp first ones - of bad events are always tough, and there are a few bad events in that awful experience of yours. I'm sure you know that it gets easier with time. It sounds like you have done all you can and now there's only forgiveness and letting go left - they take longer.

You have a wonderful hubby, and there's relatively few in this world who can say that in such a heartfelt way as you did. I hope you have a lovely day together and many more happy years.

Good luck and take care of yourself... and him.

[NMJG 1,266]

Best wishes and prayers coming your way, RJ. I do hope things improve quickly for you. Keep posting so we can support you through this.

[Kindle 8,667]

"I can no longer look to others for help..I have to find it within myself....I will do that and get a balance on all of it.......I promise!"

You are so right on this one. I learned a few years ago when I was going through a very emotional time that I had no one to turn to. I wouldn't trust to confide in too many people what I was going through, and the person who I considered my best friend literally told me " I can't help you" and turned her back on me. She was going through her own stuff, but still, it was a complete shock and eye opener to me. I cannot rely on anyone else for my own happiness...I am the only one I can truly count on. It may sound cynical and lonely, but it sure beats being disappointed and getting hurt. I am still friends with my former "best friend", but my definition and expectations of our friendship is forever changed.

My exception to the above rule that I have found is my family. We will always be there for each other no matter what. No matter how far apart we live or how long between visits, it only takes one call to find all the support I need. Thank God.

I'm so sorry about everything you've gone through with your health and friends. Your posts have always been very uplifting and inspiring to me. Not sure I would have such a good attitude. And no, you don't deserve ANOTHER complication. I'm praying for you and your husband.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

"I can no longer look to others for help..I have to find it within myself....I will do that and get a balance on all of it.......I promise!"

You are so right on this one. I learned a few years ago when I was going through a very emotional time that I had no one to turn to. I wouldn't trust to confide in too many people what I was going through, and the person who I considered my best friend literally told me " I can't help you" and turned her back on me. She was going through her own stuff, but still, it was a complete shock and eye opener to me. I cannot rely on anyone else for my own happiness...I am the only one I can truly count on. It may sound cynical and lonely, but it sure beats being disappointed and getting hurt. I am still friends with my former "best friend", but my definition and expectations of our friendship is forever changed.

My exception to the above rule that I have found is my family. We will always be there for each other no matter what. No matter how far apart we live or how long between visits, it only takes one call to find all the support I need. Thank God.

I'm so sorry about everything you've gone through with your health and friends. Your posts have always been very uplifting and inspiring to me. Not sure I would have such a good attitude. And no, you don't deserve ANOTHER complication. I'm praying for you and your husband.

I had a friend once who came to my house and had tea with me on the deck..This was shortly after I had a nervous breakdown...She came to tell me that she could no longer be my friend as she had no time for it....I had been there for her through many hardships that she endured and never thought twice...She even lived with me and my family for three months when her husband threatened to kill her.....She returned the favor with that comment..Which I will never forget....

I have no idea why I had/have friends like this. My daughter always tells me that they pick me because they know I will move mountains to help them and they know it.....

I am sorry about your best friend...I know what it is like feeling like you have been punched in the gut by people who meant so much to you.....

I have decided no more.....Not for me anymore..They all went too far..And I will go on, but without them in my life....

Like you I have my family as support and we help each other....

Thank you for your expressions!