Please Help Me Wrap My Head Around This...

[LipstickLady 25,682]

To date, I've lost 91 pounds. At a smidge under 5'3", I've gone from a tight size 20 to a comfy size 12 pants, from a 2x (42DDD) top to a L (36D). I weighed 263.4 at my highest, I am 172.2 as of this morning. I still have 23.2 pounds to go to my personal goal but that's a number I just picked out of my ass, with absolutely no idea what that's going to look like or where I really want to end up.

I'm just realizing what a delusional fat person I was before. I could look at myself in my bathroom mirror thinking I looked good. I had my "skinny" days quite often where I went out with my head held high thinking no one could possibly see how morbidly obese I was. At the same time, I always tucked myself in the back of pictures if I wasn't offering to take them. As one of the shorter people, that was no easy task as everyone tried to shove me up front. (As if they could move THIS mountain! HA!) The result from this is that I have very few pictures to compare my current body size to.

Now, my head is telling me that I am "normal" sized. I am no longer the largest size in the store. I am no longer the largest person in the room anywhere I go. When I go shopping with friends who I've always considered average in stature, I am in their size or one smaller. I can pick up clothes and think that there is no fuckeding way that my assed will fit in that and it does. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that I am fit. I am no longer afraid of a fitness class. I am no longer afraid of a day of hiking in the apple orchards. I am no longer afraid of a marathon day in hot weather at the park with the kids and the dog. I can easily jog in place for 45 minutes while I teach a kickboxing class joining in seamlessly whenever I care to without losing my breath. I am willing to try new exercises not caring what I look like and no longer making the excuse that I am uncoordinated so I can't possible try. All that said...

I CAN'T SEE IT. I JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!! I am in constant doubt that I really am normal sized. I am in constant doubt that I am not still the big girl. I look at pictures of myself and while I know in my head I look better, all I can actually see is my fat thighs and the roll that's still apparent around my belly. I used to be able to pick up an article of clothing and know if it would fit and now I am terrified of being disappointed because it's too small because I am so unaware of my body size.I am constantly trying to compare myself to everyone around me, not because I want to tear them down and make myself feel better but because I want to see what everyone else sees. I am dying to ask everyone around me what size they wear, how much they weigh, if I can take a picture next to them so I can compare. I restrain myself, but it's hard. It's really really hard. You know how when you hear yourself on a recording, it's bizarre because that's not what you sound like in your head? You know how you can't hear your own accent? That's how I feel about my appearance. I can't see it.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am not asking for reassurance because intellectually I know I am getting there. I just want to know when my self awareness will catch up with my actual being.

ARGH!!!!! HELP ME!

[ReDbEaN 654]

To date, I've lost 91 pounds. At a smidge under 5'3", I've gone from a tight size 20 to a comfy size 12 pants, from a 2x (42DDD) top to a L (36D). I weighed 263.4 at my highest, I am 172.2 as of this morning. I still have 23.2 pounds to go to my personal goal but that's a number I just picked out of my ass, with absolutely no idea what that's going to look like or where I really want to end up. I'm just realizing what a delusional fat person I was before. I could look at myself in my bathroom mirror thinking I looked good. I had my "skinny" days quite often where I went out with my head held high thinking no one could possibly see how morbidly obese I was. At the same time, I always tucked myself in the back of pictures if I wasn't offering to take them. As one of the shorter people, that was no easy task as everyone tried to shove me up front. (As if they could move THIS mountain! HA!) The result from this is that I have very few pictures to compare my current body size to. Now, my head is telling me that I am "normal" sized. I am no longer the largest size in the store. I am no longer the largest person in the room anywhere I go. When I go shopping with friends who I've always considered average in stature, I am in their size or one smaller. I can pick up clothes and think that there is no fuckeding way that my assed will fit in that and it does. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that I am fit. I am no longer afraid of a fitness class. I am no longer afraid of a day of hiking in the apple orchards. I am no longer afraid of a marathon day in hot weather at the park with the kids and the dog. I can easily jog in place for 45 minutes while I teach a kickboxing class joining in seamlessly whenever I care to without losing my breath. I am willing to try new exercises not caring what I look like and no longer making the excuse that I am uncoordinated so I can't possible try. All that said... I CAN'T SEE IT. I JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!! I am in constant doubt that I really am normal sized. I am in constant doubt that I am not still the big girl. I look at pictures of myself and while I know in my head I look better, all I can actually see is my fat thighs and the roll that's still apparent around my belly. I used to be able to pick up an article of clothing and know if it would fit and now I am terrified of being disappointed because it's too small because I am so unaware of my body size.I am constantly trying to compare myself to everyone around me, not because I want to tear them down and make myself feel better but because I want to see what everyone else sees. I am dying to ask everyone around me what size they wear, how much they weigh, if I can take a picture next to them so I can compare. I restrain myself, but it's hard. It's really really hard. <span style="font-size:14px;">You know how when you hear yourself on a recording, it's bizarre because that's not what you sound like in your head? You know how you can't hear your own accent? That's how I feel about my appearance. I can't see it. </span> I am not fishing for compliments. I am not asking for reassurance because intellectually I know I am getting there. I just want to know when my self awareness will catch up with my actual being. ARGH!!!!! HELP ME!

Not a vet, I've lost 50 lbs to date and I feel the same way...so I'm anxious to know the answers...

[Arts137 1,811]

Hey Lips...

I had to lose 100# before I even ONCE saw any difference in the mirror. I have lost weight before (and kept it off for a long time). I feel that then it took me over a year at the "normal" weight before I started to accept the size of the new me.

But even then, Inside the skinney man was a fat man longing to get out.

That's why I keep harping about the "fat Brain". THIS time it needs to be forever. I have had the surgery. I am reducing stress (stree is a SUPER trigger for me) by retiring soon. I am (slowly) doing well on my journey.

I will lose the weight. I will keep it off. But I bet I'll be with my fat Brain "Skippy" till the day I die.

[McButterpants 2,846]

The brain...go figure.

Lipstick, beautifully written. While I wish I could offer some eloquent words of wisdom, I cannot. Though I am new to my VSG journey, I have lost and regained more times than I care to count and I know exactly what you mean.

[Chelenka 827]

I think it happens to most of us who have always been obese to some degree. I understand your feelings but I don't have the problem of not seeing my new self to the same degree as you. I too was in denial about how fat I really was and also the extent to which I used food as a source of emotional sustenance. I find now that I'm in the nitty gritty fighting to get to my goal weight that I feel normal. NORMAL! ME! I've NEVER. been or felt like I was NORMAL!!! Yes I'm 6'1" so that is outside of a "normal" height for women but I'm shopping for L and XL instead of 3X. I just try on everything that appeals to me to see if it fits or not. I look at it as informational. Clothing sizes are so arbitrary depending on the manufacturer. My advice, for what it's worth, is to try to relax and spend some time getting to know your new body in a safe and self-loving way. (Minds out of the gutter please). Get a massage, look at yourself in the mirror both clothed and unclothed. Try to still the negative voices that are still nattering away at you. You have come a long way in a very short period of time. Your brain is still reeling with the rapidity of change. Keep giving yourself new information about your new body shape and size so that your self-image can adapt.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Do you have close friends you can ask? Why not? Not all of them will tell you but I have a few girlfriends who would be willing.

One of my wakeup calls this summer was when a friend of mine who I thought of as "around my weight" and I were talking about an upcoming wedding that I needed a dress for. She has lost about 60-70 pounds over the last few years (before I knew her.) She said matter-of-factly, "I don't have anything that would fit you now; I gave all of that stuff away. Too bad, it was beautiful! Let's go shopping!" She is an artist and you have to understand she wasn't saying this in a judgmental way. But it gave me pause. I remember thinking, oh, come on…I'm not that much bigger. But we went shopping and sure enough, she was at least 4 sizes smaller. I think she would have been comparable to what I weighed before I got pregnant 15 years ago, and maybe even smaller than that. And she's bigger than many of our mutual friends. (Another wake-up call!)

My point is, our brains are CRAZY. I knew roughly what she used to weigh, and that I was around that weight or slightly less, but I still didn't comprehend that I was around 50-60 pounds heavier than she was...

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Do you have close friends you can ask? Why not? Not all of them will tell you but I have a few girlfriends who would be willing.

I do. All of my bestie sorority sisters live within a half hour of me and we get together twice a month or so. I do have a few I ask and I know they will be brutally honest, which I love. Unfortunately, that's not convincing ME and my fat brain yet because I need to see it and I can't. Short of making a line of women who are size 14, 12, 10 and about my height stand next to me while someone takes pictures at all angles so I can go over them again and again, I am clueless of how to fix this head o'mine!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Wait...that's not a bad idea...

How could I advertise that on Craig's list without looking like a total creeper?

[NtvTxn 1,262]

To date, I've lost 91 pounds. At a smidge under 5'3", I've gone from a tight size 20 to a comfy size 12 pants, from a 2x (42DDD) top to a L (36D). I weighed 263.4 at my highest, I am 172.2 as of this morning. I still have 23.2 pounds to go to my personal goal but that's a number I just picked out of my ass, with absolutely no idea what that's going to look like or where I really want to end up.

I'm just realizing what a delusional fat person I was before. I could look at myself in my bathroom mirror thinking I looked good. I had my "skinny" days quite often where I went out with my head held high thinking no one could possibly see how morbidly obese I was. At the same time, I always tucked myself in the back of pictures if I wasn't offering to take them. As one of the shorter people, that was no easy task as everyone tried to shove me up front. (As if they could move THIS mountain! HA!) The result from this is that I have very few pictures to compare my current body size to.

Now, my head is telling me that I am "normal" sized. I am no longer the largest size in the store. I am no longer the largest person in the room anywhere I go. When I go shopping with friends who I've always considered average in stature, I am in their size or one smaller. I can pick up clothes and think that there is no fuckeding way that my assed will fit in that and it does. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that I am fit. I am no longer afraid of a fitness class. I am no longer afraid of a day of hiking in the apple orchards. I am no longer afraid of a marathon day in hot weather at the park with the kids and the dog. I can easily jog in place for 45 minutes while I teach a kickboxing class joining in seamlessly whenever I care to without losing my breath. I am willing to try new exercises not caring what I look like and no longer making the excuse that I am uncoordinated so I can't possible try. All that said...

I CAN'T SEE IT. I JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!! I am in constant doubt that I really am normal sized. I am in constant doubt that I am not still the big girl. I look at pictures of myself and while I know in my head I look better, all I can actually see is my fat thighs and the roll that's still apparent around my belly. I used to be able to pick up an article of clothing and know if it would fit and now I am terrified of being disappointed because it's too small because I am so unaware of my body size.I am constantly trying to compare myself to everyone around me, not because I want to tear them down and make myself feel better but because I want to see what everyone else sees. I am dying to ask everyone around me what size they wear, how much they weigh, if I can take a picture next to them so I can compare. I restrain myself, but it's hard. It's really really hard. You know how when you hear yourself on a recording, it's bizarre because that's not what you sound like in your head? You know how you can't hear your own accent? That's how I feel about my appearance. I can't see it.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am not asking for reassurance because intellectually I know I am getting there. I just want to know when my self awareness will catch up with my actual being.

ARGH!!!!! HELP ME!

Unfortunately our surgeons operate on our tummy and don't finish up with our head. I have been at goal for 3 years, maintaining for 2.5 years and STILL do NOT see myself like others do. I've been in size 4's and 6's for a few years now and I still will hold a pair of jeans up, fresh out of the dryer and think "NO DAMN WAY can I get my fat @$$ in these" and then I do.....I never have to lay down on the bed to button and zip them. I'm called skinny, tiny, thin and still, the fat girl inside giggles and wants to ask, "Are you talking to ME??" I don't know if it will ever change and I don't know if the fear of waking up 25 lbs heavier will ever go away. A doctor told me though "A little paranoia is good"

It's nice being normal sized, even if we don't feel like it, we can look around and in our head, we know we aren't the biggest girl in the room. You are not alone, I think the head games are something we all struggle with. We are women, we critique ourselves and focus on the thing (s) that bother us. Others don't even notice and that's all we see. Take heart, you are more than likely the ONLY one seeing what you do!!!

Good luck and happy Thanksgiving!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Unfortunately our surgeons operate on our tummy and don't finish up with our head. I have been at goal for 3 years, maintaining for 2.5 years and STILL do NOT see myself like others do. I've been in size 4's and 6's for a few years now and I still will hold a pair of jeans up, fresh out of the dryer and think "NO DAMN WAY can I get my fat @$$ in these" and then I do.....I never have to lay down on the bed to button and zip them. I'm called skinny, tiny, thin and still, the fat girl inside giggles and wants to ask, "Are you talking to ME??" I don't know if it will ever change and I don't know if the fear of waking up 25 lbs heavier will ever go away. A doctor told me though "A little paranoia is good"

It's nice being normal sized, even if we don't feel like it, we can look around and in our head, we know we aren't the biggest girl in the room. You are not alone, I think the head games are something we all struggle with. We are women, we critique ourselves and focus on the thing (s) that bother us. Others don't even notice and that's all we see. Take heart, you are more than likely the ONLY one seeing what you do!!!

Good luck and happy Thanksgiving!

Oh lord!! I can't even imagine being skinny! I'm just trying to feel NORMAL sized. :faint:

So what is skinny anyways?

[NtvTxn 1,262]

Oh lord!! I can't even imagine being skinny! I'm just trying to feel NORMAL sized. :faint:

So what is skinny anyways?

Skinny - the string bean we all know or have known in the past, but I guess everyone's definition is different. There is always somebody skinnier and always someone richer, right???!!!!!

If you figure out how to "feel" normal sized, share that with the rest of us.

[2Big2Skate 328]

We're all mental lol. There's a smidgeon of masculine superiority to bein able to whoop the worlds ass when you weigh a lot. So in my warped psyche there was some rationalization taking place when i sat down to a meal. Of course I should eat the most. Of course I should have another helping of everything. Im John Stinkin Wayne down here and Im hungry!

Mr Melon and I are starting to argue too. It's been telling me that it misses gorging and I shouldnt be satisfied with small volumes. So I show it my scars and say "SHUT UP MELON! Where would I put all that food now? You'd kill us both if you could, jerk!" I hope he goes away soon.

But remember this, even though we got issues from the shoulders up, from the shoulders DOWN we're getting insanely HEALTHY. Our hearts are thanking us, our bones are thanking us, and all our organs are having an easier time. Our joints are thriving under a "normal" load. And our life expectancy and enjoyment factors are increasing greatly.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

It takes time. Try to not worry about it and be patient. I don't use the word skinny .... I am normal. I never aspired to skinny and actually found it silly people have been calling me that since I got to about a size 16

Your form of dismorphia is exactly what I had. I used before and after pix posted next to my computer to remind me. Whoa....I was huge before and normal now.

My dismorphia remains about my face but I am aware and try not to focus on it.

[TJL 222]

I'm right there with you LL, I'm shorter than you and have lost 56lbs(hoping not to find them again!) but I still look at clothes and think well, that's never going to fit. Also to me except for my face and neck, I don't look that much different. I know that I am because none of my old fat clothes will fit me anymore, and I can wear much smaller sizes, but it doesn't translate into what I see in the mirror. My nephew that I haven't seen in a while saw a new picture of me and called me up to ask if I was OK, because I have lost so much weight. So while others can see it, I still can't, maybe when I lose some more weight my head will catch up to the rest of me.

[Seela 1,187]

Lipstick. .. it's like you are inside my head (scarry)... for me it's the same, but different... I used to be so thin and fit. All growing up and through high school I was a gymnast. I got into modeling/acting at 18. It wasn't until I turned 30 that I started packing it on. I knew I was fat but I just couldn't see it. Even still when I look at myself I just see me. Selfies have become my only way to "see" myself. For some reason when I look in a mirror I don't see the enormity of myself, but in a picture it's like, Wow... is that really what I look like? I'm constantly asking my daughter if I'm as big as some other woman. I honestly don't know if that will ever go away but every morning I take a picture of myself in the mirror so I can clearly see how I look. I've never told anyone that before so it's kind of embarrassing. Even through all that I KNOW I look better and confidence has (outwardly, not inwardly) has never been an issue for me. Now.. with this experience I'm going through (being sleeved) I'm getting sort of glad that I'm like that because I think (hope) that I can use my weirdness as a tool to stay on track, hopefully to not get complacent. ... You've done such a great hob losing almost 100 lbs. And getting yourself in shape. Don't let your head get in your way of celebrating yourself and your accomplishments. Whatever"tools" your mind uses to get you there are valuable.