female only Marriage And Too Many Emotions

[time4me2013 20]

Before surgery, my surgeon told me that about half of people who have wls divorce within a year of surgery. I smiled, nodded, and dismissed that info because I always thought that while my marriage is not perfect, that would never happen to me. I have been married for 15 years, have 3 kids, and love my husband. That being said, my emotions from one moment to the next change quickly and sometimes I truly hate my husband. I don't know why and neither does my poor husband. I get angry that he eats whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I'm angry that I can't just go get a Big Mac to feel better (yes, I have food issues) and my anger is just out of proportion to the situation. I'm just angry at everything. Am I the only one going through this? My marriage is very shaky at the moment and the fact that I get so angry so quickly is not helping matters. I feel bad for my husband and we have talked about this, but it hasn't helped. I just don't understand myself and quite frankly, it is a little scary. Is this mood change because of surgery or is it just me? I can also cry at the drop of the hat about stupid things. Divorce is not an option, but I also don't expect my husband to want to wait around for a few years until I am "normal" again. I hate myself right now....

[slowtogo 301]

Have you considered counseling?

[princessleah 8]

This whole is experience is an emotional roller coaster, it's good you recognise the problems and maybe seeing an individual or couples therapist may help. Your probably getting so angry through frustration with the stress, strain and your relationship with food. I hope you find your solution soon

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Lets see here.....I have been married for 35 years to the same man..Ups and downs we have had plenty..just like every one else. 2012 and 2013 have been the years from hell for us...This surgery changed my life completely....My husband was there the entire time for me as I have cried, screamed, pouted, threw up, had emotional outbursts, and the times that I really hated his guts because he like your husband can eat anything and does....

These things that you are going through are not just about you! You are deciding to act on the temporary change in emotions, hormones and fear of the now and the future. It is a change for both of you. He has to get used to the ever changing wife that he has had for 15 years too. All that you are experiencing is normal with such a huge change in your life forever. Nothing is going to ever be the same again.

Ask yourself; What was the reason you had this surgery in the first place...I see your forum name is time4me and I understand that but in reality it is about your entire family. When times get tough and they do and are and will as you know, nothing is perfect. You need to draw close and hang on tight to the man and family you love.

Your children are watching how you are dealing with this situation and believe me they are scared as well, maybe as much as you are over all the changes....Hubby is more likely confused..why? Because no matter how ready for this change everyone thinks they are it is never a clear cut situation...

I know myself...I had the idea it would be a hop, skip and a jump for me but it was not. It tested every aspect of my life and my families. Instead of pulling apart we clung together as it we were freezing to death on a frigid winters night, and rode the worst of it out. My family surprised me at how well they supported me and no matter what happened they were there.

I love my husband more now then I did before because of how he stood up to the crisis. He was totally bewildered by my circumstances and I could have treated him like he did not matter but I could see the concern in his face and I fell in love with him all over again because I looked at him instead of myself and worried about what he was going through as well as me. Giving and thinking of others instead of ourselves is the best treatment for this kind of depression...

I will not lie to you, what is happening to you is normal. The ups and downs of body changes, emotions and fears are enough to make anyone want to scream and run away. Is that what you want to do, alienate your family over something that is just going to make your life and theirs better if you let it happen.

I certainly am not implying that what you are feeling is not real because it is real. But like everything else in life you have to temper it and deal. My husband and I have a code now. I just say I am not feeling well and he knows not to push anything. I am learning to let that be the answer instead of me losing it and feeling horrible about it later like you are now..

I know you still love your husband and family and this bad time is going to pass as all the others do... The benefits will really outweigh everything that is happening now.

Thank you for being so honest and reaching out for help. I am sad for your struggle but encourage you to keep your goal in mind and why you decided to have WLS and start dealing with your issues...

Pull your family together and work as one to get where you all need to be....Give and take all the love you can...K

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

My husband and I have a code now. I just say I am not feeling well and he knows not to push anything. I am learning to let that be the answer instead of me losing it and feeling horrible about it later like you are now..

Oh, do I hear this.

Excellent agreement between the two of you. I have something similar and I, too, have days when I could rip my partners head off. Its calming down now, but its amazing how something so small as an enquiry 'Do you think this looks okay, or do you think this would look better?' (because I'm getting concerned about the excess skin I'm getting) to be responded to with 'Yeah' (subtext; 'I don't know what the hell to say and would prefer it if you left me the hell alone'). Cue rampant discussions about 'being there'...

Its all rubbish and its entirely related to hormones, feelings of deprivation and, if I'm honest, food consumption jealousy. Its like the biggest flash of PMS and then its gone. I have taken now to walking outside (I live in far north of the UK and it's BLOOOMIN' cold at the moment), having a few seconds (and often a few cigarettes) and then coming back in with a fresh perspective.

Although in saying that, I have oft felt moments where I felt I should come back in with an AK47.....

Devising a red flag signal might be a good way to halt proceedings when the touch-paper is lit and allow you just a few minutes to calm down and see things objectively again. Hell, I've even managed to turn our 'ding-dongs' into a point of humour, which has in fact lead to carnal relations! Ha! Good way to get out the 'angst'!

You know you don't really hate your husband - like I don't hate my partner. its just hard to control the inner beast sometimes. Consequently, I advocate 'abusing' him in the bedroom!

Poor hubbies, don't they put up with enough of our crap as it is?!!

Try getting some breathing space and I reckon you'll be fine.

Best of luck, honey

[gamergirl 4,610]

Lets see here.....I have been married for 35 years to the same man..Ups and downs we have had plenty..just like every one else. 2012 and 2013 have been the years from hell for us...This surgery changed my life completely....My husband was there the entire time for me as I have cried, screamed, pouted, threw up, had emotional outbursts, and the times that I really hated his guts because he like your husband can eat anything and does.... These things that you are going through are not just about you! You are deciding to act on the temporary change in emotions, hormones and fear of the now and the future. It is a change for both of you. He has to get used to the ever changing wife that he has had for 15 years too. All that you are experiencing is normal with such a huge change in your life forever. Nothing is going to ever be the same again. Ask yourself; What was the reason you had this surgery in the first place...I see your forum name is time4me and I understand that but in reality it is about your entire family. When times get tough and they do and are and will as you know, nothing is perfect. You need to draw close and hang on tight to the man and family you love. Your children are watching how you are dealing with this situation and believe me they are scared as well, maybe as much as you are over all the changes....Hubby is more likely confused..why? Because no matter how ready for this change everyone thinks they are it is never a clear cut situation... I know myself...I had the idea it would be a hop, skip and a jump for me but it was not. It tested every aspect of my life and my families. Instead of pulling apart we clung together as it we were freezing to death on a frigid winters night, and rode the worst of it out. My family surprised me at how well they supported me and no matter what happened they were there. I love my husband more now then I did before because of how he stood up to the crisis. He was totally bewildered by my circumstances and I could have treated him like he did not matter but I could see the concern in his face and I fell in love with him all over again because I looked at him instead of myself and worried about what he was going through as well as me. Giving and thinking of others instead of ourselves is the best treatment for this kind of depression... I will not lie to you, what is happening to you is normal. The ups and downs of body changes, emotions and fears are enough to make anyone want to scream and run away. Is that what you want to do, alienate your family over something that is just going to make your life and theirs better if you let it happen. I certainly am not implying that what you are feeling is not real because it is real. But like everything else in life you have to temper it and deal. My husband and I have a code now. I just say I am not feeling well and he knows not to push anything. I am learning to let that be the answer instead of me losing it and feeling horrible about it later like you are now.. I know you still love your husband and family and this bad time is going to pass as all the others do... The benefits will really outweigh everything that is happening now. Thank you for being so honest and reaching out for help. I am sad for your struggle but encourage you to keep your goal in mind and why you decided to have WLS and start dealing with your issues... Pull your family together and work as one to get where you all need to be....Give and take all the love you can...K

RJ, I think I just fell in love with you. Your kindness and compassion is dead on.

To the OP, I go through bouts of sadness, not anger so much but what I have to do is make it very clear to my husband that NOTHING is wrong, that I love my life and adore him---but I am just sad and that I will get over it.

Even though my husband and I got sleeved at the same time, he doesn't seem to have the emotional roller coaster I do. Perhaps it hits women harder? I don't know.

What I do know, is that I have to consciously make more deposits in the kindness and joy bucket when I am feeling good to compensate for the times when I am down.

Maybe what will help is if you overtly express your love, gratitude and kindness to him at the times when you are NOT angry so that when you are, he still knows you love him and want to be with him?

Counseling will help I believe, esp to deal with the fact that you can't eat some stuff and he can't. I would also seriously consider anti-depressants for a short while until your hormones stabilize. Depression often manifests as anger in some people. Ask your doctor what s/he thinks about it.

Hang in there. I'm 3 months out and while the sadness still hits unexpectedly from time to time, it's less often than before.

[time4me2013 20]

Thanks so much for the responses. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one feeling this way. I have been on anti depressants since before I was sleeved and the meds don't even touch this anger (if it is depression that I am feeling). The idea of a "code word" is a good one that I may incorporate. To be honest, I had not thought too much about clinging to my husband instead of pushing him away, but that is excellent advise. And I just now realized that I am being very self centered and that is not okay. I need to put more effort into loving my husband and loving on my children because they are worried...I can see it in their faces. I think I will look into counseling. When I started this weight loss journey I thought I would get skinny, be active, and be happy. I confess that I didn't think about the process at all...just the final result.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

You'll get there, honey. One step at a time.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Thanks so much for the responses. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one feeling this way. I have been on anti depressants since before I was sleeved and the meds don't even touch this anger (if it is depression that I am feeling). The idea of a "code word" is a good one that I may incorporate. To be honest, I had not thought too much about clinging to my husband instead of pushing him away, but that is excellent advise. And I just now realized that I am being very self centered and that is not okay. I need to put more effort into loving my husband and loving on my children because they are worried...I can see it in their faces. I think I will look into counseling. When I started this weight loss journey I thought I would get skinny, be active, and be happy. I confess that I didn't think about the process at all...just the final result.

I know about thinking about the outcome instead of the journey...We are all so excited about it being our turn to succeed with WLS that most of us never think of the journey...I know now that the journey is long and full of uncertainty regarding the day to day struggles of the ups and downs of fixing the real problems that caused us to depend on food as our support system....

I am so glad for your comments as regards the encouragement that was given here...Your a trooper and you will get it together.....To be in fear is a good thing really because you will never take it for granted....Share your journey with your loved ones as you become an example for them to lean on even in other things in life besides weight gain or loss....

Depression is something that is as unique as the individual who suffers from it...It takes time for the meds to really settle into your system and for the results of the strain from going into the depression to pass or get better even a little or a lot depending on you....

Use what you can to get through this part of the journey...Find the inner strength that I know you can muster and if you need extra help we are here for you...message me if you need to...k..

You got this kid...Your soon going to get through this and see the changes and the reasons why you did such a drastic thing and be happy you did....

Give out extra hugs and kisses tonight and make them count....K

[gamergirl 4,610]

I will also say that many people do increase their anti depressant doses so may be worth checking

[ReDbEaN 654]

Before surgery, my surgeon told me that about half of people who have wls divorce within a year of surgery. I smiled, nodded, and dismissed that info because I always thought that while my marriage is not perfect, that would never happen to me. I have been married for 15 years, have 3 kids, and love my husband. That being said, my emotions from one moment to the next change quickly and sometimes I truly hate my husband. I don't know why and neither does my poor husband. I get angry that he eats whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I'm angry that I can't just go get a Big Mac to feel better (yes, I have food issues) and my anger is just out of proportion to the situation. I'm just angry at everything. Am I the only one going through this? My marriage is very shaky at the moment and the fact that I get so angry so quickly is not helping matters. I feel bad for my husband and we have talked about this, but it hasn't helped. I just don't understand myself and quite frankly, it is a little scary. Is this mood change because of surgery or is it just me? I can also cry at the drop of the hat about stupid things. Divorce is not an option, but I also don't expect my husband to want to wait around for a few years until I am "normal" again. I hate myself right now....

I know exactly what you mean about the emotions being everywhere! I have been married for 17 years, have 3 kids, and my poor hubby has been so patient and kind to me when I cry for seemingly no reason. I do find that the more I exercise, the better I feel ( go figure..people have told me this for years and I wouldn't listen). You should not get mad at your husband for eating whatever he wants when it was you who had the surgery, not him. I, like RJ, have fallen more in love with my husband since the surgery - he is my rock! It sounds like yours is your rock too. I have found that people, in general, tend to take their frustrations out on the people who they know love them the most, such as a spouse. We have a tradition in our home and honestly I think it helps with these kind of situations - every night (when he's not working), we sit down for dinner with the kiddos and everyone at the table has to tell 3 things they are thankful for. It can make a bad day seem not so bad when you have to remember something positive, little things, big things, doesn't matter…just so long as it's something you are thankful for - makes you concentrate on the GOOD in life. I don't know if that would help you or not, but it does help me.

And hun, try NOT to hate yourself…that in itself will just make you all the more upset. As my hubby always tells me when I get upset about mistakes I make, "you have to leave it in the past…" Maybe you should talk to your doc about either changing or upping your anti-depressants. How far out are you? I'm 11 1/2 weeks out and I feel sooo much better than I did at the very first - I still have some bad times though, but more good than bad.

Sorry for rambling so much, I hope something I said can make enough sense to you. I truly understand the crazy emotions, but it should/will get better. Good Luck to you

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Estrogen is stored in fat and it floods your system during rapid weight loss. I didn't have anger but sure felt the rollercoaster. It does level out but I think counselor and other suggestions are good.

I do want to comment on the idea that losing weight will make you happy. No. Losing weight will make you healthier, clothes fit better and confidence is boosted. However all your problems remain and you no longer have food and the fatsuit to shield and comfort you. NOW is the time to be tackling any underlying problems as they will get worse once u no longer numb yourself with food and layers of fat.

I AM happy overall but this has been an epic journey...

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Great thread. Thanks to the OP for starting it. Reminded me of things I need to pay attention to.

Thanks,

A.