Throwing A Compliment In There Doesn't Make It Okay!

[clk 3,519]

So, I'm running into an issue almost every time I'm out with my kids. I have boy/girl twins that will be six soon and an eight month old.

My girls are big. My older daughter is obese, despite the fact that she eats our much healthier, post-WLS diet and is an active kid. My son is skin and bones. I don't worry about him staying that way because I was always the shortest, skinniest kid. Until one day I wasn't, and eventually I had WLS.

No bragging, really, but I have some darn cute kids. People stop us all the time to compliment their behavior or their appearances. But lately, I find this to be a negative and I'm curious what other people think.

We'll get stopped, someone will compliment how pretty girls are or how long my older daughter's hair is or how cute the baby is and then naturally, ask how old the children are. Almost every single time, the follow up response is "wow, she's big."

Okay, yes. My almost six year old wears 7/8 clothes. She's also tall for her age. My baby is 8 months wearing 12-18 month clothing.

But they're healthy. You know what they're not? Deaf. Or stupid. My older daughter hears it when people say this and knows what it means. Guess what? There is no doubt in my mind that my daughter knows she's bigger than the other girls. She's the second tallest girl in her class and she's heavier than the other girls, too. She's also a twin - she's well aware of her brother's size and weight and when we go to the doctor that he's 15th percentile and she's 95th.

Look, I know that these people mean well. I know that they're doing something they view as nice. I know that they are just saying something without really thinking. I know that some people just really love kids and like to interact with them or shower them with praise.

But I don't need my daughters to have hang ups about their weight as little kids! I don't want my girls to think that unless they have a steady stream of compliments, they aren't beautiful or well-mannered or worthy. I also don't want my girls to hear the word "big" and think "bad" or to compare themselves to other girls already. I really, really don't want them to view pretty as separate from big or to think that being big must mean you're not attractive.

Maybe this isn't even rant worthy. But my little girl told me during bedtime cuddles last night that she's bigger than her twin. I agreed with her and reminded her that we're all different and that I think she's wonderful. But then she asked me why she's bigger than her brother while her dad is bigger than me. All I could do was remind her that we're all different, and that I used to be bigger than her father.

It's hard. I don't know that I handle this the best way. I don't really know what to say to her, or to the steady stream of people that stop us. I will say that as crappy as it might sound, I'm very thankful that both of my girls are built the same way. I imagine it would be even more difficult for them as they get older if one of the girls were teeny tiny like my son.

Maybe there's a question or two in there. Maybe this isn't a worthwhile post. I dunno, I just wanted to put it out there. I think I'm hypersensitive when it comes to weight and attractiveness and also the dumb, thoughtless things that people say to children. I just needed to vent!

~Cheri

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I have no answer since I don't breed. Not successfully anyway. But I was the same kid as your daughter....biggest kid in school. And I heard the same things.....saw the same raised eye browns....got the same surprised looks.

You're a good mom for being concerned about this from the point of view of protecting your child (as opposed to being embarrassed for yourself as my mom was). I wish I had more helpful advice....all I've got is encouragement.

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

No, it doesn't make it okay. It's just one more thing that she'll end up worrying about that she shouldn't even be aware exists at this point. My son is 9 (Santa died tonight at our house, it's been an emotional evening). He's the height of an average 12 year old boy...the kid is huge. We've heard it forever. He was overweight but as he's sprouting up and our eating habits are improving he's now in the 'at risk for overweight' category and about 4 pounds from what would qualify as a healthy BMI for his height....he's always been a little chunk but never just enormously overweight, but from about age 4 or 5 he started dealing with kids calling him fat. And I really think it's easier on boys than it is on girls....people applaud that he's so big...high school football coaches bug us already, they seem to encourage the largeness...EXCEPT he knows that fat isn't healthy. Mommy had surgery when he was 5 to help her lose weight so she'd be healthy so he started obsessing about it. Wouldn't go shirtless in his swim trunks because he didn't want anyone to see his little tummy. We've talked and talked and talk and I THINK are coming to terms with it but dammit people just need to shut up or say 'what a cute kid' or ' what an awesome kid' 'or damn where'd he get his looks' but no 'wow he's enormous' IS NOT OKAY....makes me wanna turn around and say 'yup, kind like you ass'.... Or 'yeah, he gained those inches you lost on your dick when you put on those last 80 pounds' but that would be tacky.

Okay, I'm rambling, it's been a long night but this subject lights me on fire....just know that you getting healthy and her learning healthy habits from you are the best things you could possibly do for her. Encourage her brains, her beauty, her amazing self, and try not to let her obsess about the weight. People mean well...mostly...sometimes they just don't think.

[jennybgenius 16]

I have a daughter that is 6 and in 7/8 clothes. It hurts setting our babies be judged in this horrible world. And people don't even think before they open their mouths. I have a play therapist for my daughter. She basically told me to just enforce my daughter's self confidence at home. Switch up our phrasing, not a "oh honey I think you look beautiful" but a "honey don't you think you look beautiful?!" That way as you said she isn't relying on the rest of the world to tell her she is beautiful...she is looking to self for that compliment.

I grew up concerned about what every one else thought about me. So I wanted to make sure my daughter didn't follow the same path of seeking approval where it wasn't going to be found.

It's been a couple years of that expression change up that now it comes natural and now my daughter comes to me and says

"Momma im so PROUD of MYSELF"

"Momma I look so pretty in this DRESS"

"Momma I did the right thing"

I was the skinny beam pole when I was a kid and now I'm in dire need of WLS. Kids grow up and grow into their bodies...no one knows you're kids better then you. You know they are perfect. F* the rest of them they don't know your family.

[Seela 1,187]

My daughter was always way taller and bigger than the other girls growing up. I got the... wow she's big! Comments all the time. At 16 she's over 5'8"" tall and a size 3. She's drop dead gorgeous, tall and thin. And still a big girl. And because of her hight still gets the comments. But she's proud of it and yet not defined by it. Last week she went to a dance and in the ridiculously high heels she wore she was almost 6' tall and considerably taller than her boyfriend. Bigger isn't always bad .

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

I'd reply soley with this:

"yes, she's beautiful, isn't she?'

That'd teach them