Opinions: My bi-polar sister wants to have my baby.

[Jachut 487]

Philosophically, whilst I can appreciate the possible complications, I am pro surrogacy.

But in this situation, hmmm, I probably wouldnt risk it. I think not only is there the risk of your child being bipolar since biologically it would be her child, I would worry that there's a huge risk she is going to do an about face on it. What about egg donation - is your problem conceiving, is it not possible for you to carry a child from a donated egg. Or could you use a donor egg to impregnate her?

My sis is running out of time at 37 with a history of endometriosis and she didnt start trying for a family until just recently. I've given it though privately, I could carry a baby for my sister, a child that was going to be part of my life, but not actually mine. But I just dont think I'd want the complication of that child being biologically mine. I think that opens up a whole host of potential problems.

[rroswelltx 1]

Poodles, only you know the mental state of your sister and what her life is like, how you guys have interacted with eachother in the past. If you think long and hard and look at those facts you probably already know your answer. You know the potential of issue's arising.

I had to have a hysterectomy after 1 child,and it was hard. But now having my DH son living with us has cured me of that. I love both of them but the constant fighting and picking gets annoying. And don't you deal with that all day already with your job? LOL.

I personally don't think it's a good idea, but as your friend I would be here to support you either way. You should at least check into an oversea's adoption like other's have suggested, then you would also get the satisfaction of knowing that you gave a child a great life that may not have had one. You have so much on your plate right now, try not to stress too much over this.

[Poodles 0]

I know what I should do. My DH says that we need to just be happy as is, thank God for the son we have, our jobs, and our home. I know he is right.

I prayed and prayed for a little one, and was blessed with my son. And as I read these posts, I see what a Jerry Springer moment this would be if I actually went thru with it.

[spldgrl 0]

Poodles:

I feel your pain and in a some what different way, understand. I will tell you my story Jerry Springer it is, then expalin how I feel they are similiar because the facts are different but the connection to the child the same.

I have a sister to whom I have had no realtionship with for the last 15 years due to drugs, bi-polar, drugs drugs and more drugs, and all the ugly details of drugs. She had her first son, then came herroin she let her dealer sexualy molest him for drugs so she lost her rights and he lived with my parents and his birth father. she was gone for 8 years. then bam! back "dying of hep c" she has bi-polar and because of all the drugs she acts like a 13 year old, she is 30. so she is one day stable the next freakin out. on her meds all is well, off, she is what she is.

4 years ago she was back living with parents as mom had strokes and she "was living the right life, she was staying clean and wanted a normal life" she talked the talk and did well. I thought she had finally figured it out, life that is and helping others. she still did not see her child as he lived with father full time. then one day, "haha I am pregnant!" she went thru the pregnancy off her meds and I thought fine. we talked about adoption and she wanted to give the child a "loving home, because she had no maternal instinct or desires" 7 months later I get a phone call from an attorney. My sister had the baby, 11 weeks early, on the toilet, she was totally druged out! meth & pcp. state had taken child and he needed a home. He weighed 3.3lbs, addicted, premature, very very sick. in nic u and needed the loving contact to live. so...

I quit my job that day, started the 2 hr drive and stayed at hospital with this baby, 2 days old and sick. Took him home on a heart monitor, cath, feed tube and took care of him for 11 months. Today he is healthy, on track for he adjusted age and such a cutie, I love him more that I ever thought possible. maybe because I fought so hard medically, and emotionally and legally for him more than any of my children ever needed medically. He is living with birth mom, she is a teriible care giver, we have him 2-3 days per week, he goes to day care 2 days a week. she cant handle the pressure, I take him. thats my role to always protect him.

My husband and I agreed to adopt him, birth dad reliquished rights 2 days after birth, and she wanted to place him for adoption up until he was born. We had invested so much and he was already part of our family, and for all purposes I was and still to him am his mom. he changes when he gets here. she even notices it and has told me it would be better for him to be with us, he is happier. BUT... as she tells me, SHE is the mom, she even told me up until she went to the hospital when they thought he wouldnt make it, she didnt want to be a mom. she says giving him up is harder than keeping him, even though she doesnt want to be a mom. So I am the aunt, I take him all the time and clean him up and love him enough to get thru the next couple days till I get him again. state says thats OK Brandon is safe and that is all they have to prove- dont even get me started on DFS.

long story, point being, giving up a child even if you dont think you'll have "maternial insticts" must be very difficult and your sister wont know until the moment happens. the pain is so great I dont wish the loss I feel on anyone. not quite sure how family moments will be in the future, he has a baby book with my family, our memories, and everyone tells me he will know me forever, but...what pain will he endur knowing his mom bailed on him for drugs, dad bailed for lack of being a man, and his aunt bailed out because...state said so.

I hope you are able to fill your need for another child, maybe a different serrogate, or what about the dfs for foster adopt? out of our foster parent classes, 4 families were there to foster adopt and 2 of them have a child and there are other children here that need adoptive parents. you could call your local family services agency and see. I wish my Brandon could be with a family like yours that wants a baby so bad, and will love him unconditionally. It will happen for your family have faith, God has a plan for us all, or so I pray.

Best of luck to you

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Rather than go to another country or pay through the nose for a White Baby in this country, please consider adopting a Black baby.

This type of adoption is a gift both to you and the child, and it helps the USA become stronger as it breaks down the artificial barriers which separate us. Your posts show you as a family that believes in God. I also believe in God and I am sure that all Babies are God's children and who but the weakest need our help most and who would Jesus want us to share with most? I believe it would be those who would have the least to look forward to and those are the babies of color who need homes and love the most.

Please do not be offended. If my advise is gratuitous, please feel free to disregard it, but it was meant in earnest.

[piercedqt78 658]

I agree with Tired Old Man, there are babies of every race and color in need of homes. I suggested going to a european country because you specificied that you wanted a white baby. We live in a very diverse area and so many families have mixed race children, adopted or natural born. They are all family just the same. ~Mandy

[Poodles 0]

I did not mean to imply that I only wanted a healthy white baby. I just wanted to make the point that it is more expensive to adopt them, and any other race would surely know it was adopted. Thru the Edna Gladny Home a white baby is around 28,000. Minortity baby (anything mixed with black, and black) 14,000. Most are mixed hispanic/black thru the agency.

I personally would love a little African American girl, and have asked the girls on my step team lots of questions about specific issues that they face. The biggest issue I see would be care of the hair, as it breaks easily. Oh, and I can't let them get "ashy". So, lots of baby lotion right out of the bath. (side story: My mother was pregnant and we knew an African American couple with a daughter named Olivia. I wanted my mom to have a little black baby like Olivia, and she said we would have to deal with what God gave us. I was so disappointed when I saw a white, red headed BOY. I cried, I was 4.)

My DH does not have a problem with adopting a minority baby either, but says "other people" would and he would not want to make it harder on the kid. The "other people" include those in the state we live in (TX), and unfortunately some ignorant relatives. I see the racism every day, things that face my girls, and my kids in class. I know it is real, and I know it would be hard on a little one. (But then again, it would have me to protect it. ) I deal with the fat issue with the one I have, it is hard, but you just have to make your child strong.

[GayleTX 1]

I was a school counselor in a rural area for 30 years....I went thru 3 generations of children in 5 school districts (one each day of the week). Some of the biggest messes I had to deal with were 'mixed up' families.....kids who did/did not know who their real father/mother were; parents who kept secrets about birth from parents/children/siblings; etc etc. A trail of broken hearts from one town to the next when the truth would come out.....and it always does. And even when it wasn't a secret, it caused all kinds of conflicts....kids threatening parents to go live with 'my real daddy,' 'uncle bud', or grandma's threatening to take their own daughters to court over a child.......I could tell you tales that would make you weep. I've had to testify in court more than once in similar situations.

You are very fortunate to have your one healthy child..... and he's fortunate to have good parents and an intact normal family. Don't risk messing up a good thing.

I have only one child myself....I lost 2 to miscarriage. He is now married to a young woman who was an only child herself. They are both kind, generous, well-adjusted people who did not seem to suffer from being an 'only.'

I wish you well in whatever you decide.....

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

What you write may not be PC but it is very true.

However, I disagree that you could protect a child from bigotry. We are all different in some manner or another. Whether it is skin color, religion, lack of religion, weight, hair color, scars, what have you. There is always someone out there that doesn't like us because we aren't like they are in some manner.

I'm not sure about what I am about to write, but I have to question how much true value there is in subjecting someone else to bigotry? I'm not totally focusing on your issue but in general.

It is amazing how many walls a little baby can breadk down.

It is hard to hate a 7 pound bundle of joy.

[myfoursons 0]

we aren't guaranteed anything in life. Anytime we choose to have children, we are taking the risk of having a child that has something wrong. Whether you birth the child or someone else does...whether you know of the risks or don't know...the risk is always there.

Three of my four children were born with significant health issues. All of the issues were not related, nor were they conditions known to be hereditary. We went through a lot with our kids and I wouldn't change any of it for all the money in the world. Our trials in life teach us and develop us into who we are.

We are all different and none of us our perfect. Why deprive yourself of a child because it might have some disorder (a fairly common one at that), one that could happen no matter who the mother was.

Just my opinion.

[faithmd 14]

myfoursons I agree with you about how any baby could have issues, but in this case since the "surrogate" would be her sister, I think there are many more significant issues here. To me those issues outweigh any possible bi-polar diagnosis.

[myfoursons 0]

You are right. I did develop my opinion off of some assumptions. It seemed that the poster was most concerned about the baby being bipolar, so I answered to that. I assumed that she was unconcerned or comfortable with how her sister would handle the situation, simply because it wasn't discussed. She did say her sister had a family of her own and didn't mention any ongoing issues.

But I do agree, the emotional issues are much more of a concern than the physical/hereditary issues.

[Elisabethsew 50]

I think it's a no win situation. Your sister is having a 4th child and then she'll have your child which will be biologically not yours but 50% hers and 50% your husbands. Her four children will be half sibling to this child and cousins to your present child. What will your sister tell her children? How will they feel when "the new baby" is given to you? At such young ages, hers and yours, there is really no way they can fully comprehend this situation.

How will the extended family deal with this. Will you all be open and "tell"? Will you tell eventually? What happens if your sister's bipolar disease flares up and she is forced to go back on medication while pregnant? What happens if she has a manic episode and "tells" before you are ready to be "outed"? There are so many things to consider and it's hard to let your head rule when your heart is breaking to have another child but it seems to have a lot more negatives than positives.

[Kat817 19]

On the issue of how it would be hard to raise a bi-racial child---I am sure it is going to be hard for that child, whether you raise it or not. It is already facing uncertainty, or it would not be up for adoption. IF you think you can provide more stability and love to that child than it is getting now---then surely it could be done.

Yes he/she may encounter biases in your family/town/state....but this child is going to face those people anyway. If you can raise the child knowing love, and acceptance from you....then that is one more person loving them and accepting them than they have right now.

Kat

[Boo 3]

No matter what you decide to do, you will always know that your sister loves you. The fact that she is willing to go through a pregnancy for you is an incomprehensible sacrifice.

My personal opinion doesn't really matter because it is such a huge decision that can and should only be made with much research, counseling (both legal and psychological), thought, soul-searching and prayer.

Good luck!