Opinions: My bi-polar sister wants to have my baby.

[Poodles 0]

Let me explain. I have a hard time getting pregnant. It took 4 years and a heck of a lot of meds to get my son, now 8. Since his birth we have been trying to conceive, with no results.

My sister, who is fertile Mertile with 3 of her own, has offered to conceive and have my husbands baby for me. Her egg, her womb, her pregnancy.

I am so tempted to do this, but she is bi-polar which scares me. I know it runs in families, we have the same mom, but different dads. They say there is a 20% chance that the kid will have the disorder when it hits early 20's and I have the same risk factor since I think my mom may have been bi-polar. So in my mind, I am thinking my egg or hers has the same risk factor. We look alike, and all her kids look like my son (except darker, she married a hispanic man).

What would you do?

[Kat817 19]

I don't know that the risk of the child being bi-polar would be the decision maker for me. How severe is your sisters disorder? Is it ever going to be the cause of her to blow up at you, and say something about it being HER child? Is the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy going to make it worse on your sister? How will breaking the bond she will automatically have with the child affect her? How old are all the other children involved? It will affect her children, and her marriage as well.

It is a very scary thing to consider. Not sure I could chance the familial upheaval it could cause.

I wish you luck in making the decisions awaiting you. Your sister is a very generous woman even making the offer. I do know it is something I personally would have a hard time doing. Now keep in mind I do not have a sister, so have never experienced the bond there. But if I carried the child, and it had my blood, and then you disciplined it in a way I didn't agree with, or something of the sort, I would find issue with it. She has to be very strong to do something like this. Any chance of IVF or anything for you and DH, without the 3rd party?

Kat

[Carlene 12]

I wouldn't worry so much about the psych issue, but what would you tell the child? Everything....or nothing?

I know no one personally who has enlisted a surrogate mother, but I am well acquainted with several in-family adoptions. My DH has a niece who found herself unmarried, 17, and pregnant. She allowed a family member and her spouse to adopt the little girl. Eventually she did marry, and went on to have two more children. I almost fainted at a family function when my sister-in-law said, "Don't anyone let it slip in front of "Dudley" that "Sissy" is "Tammy's" birth mother. He doesn't know. I was always very careful that my kids didn't find out about Tammy while they were young. I knew that sooner or later, someone's little darling would let the cat out of the bag, and I didn't want it to be one of mine. You can't keep these things a secret forever. If more than one person knows, then it's not a secret.

[mypov 0]

Kat brought up some excellent points. I would simply add that you think about the fact that if she is being treated for the bipolar those meds are dangerous to an unborn baby. If she isn't being treated medically, then then will the hormones or stress of the pregnancy lead to major problems for her, the baby, your family and her family? Something to think about.....

I am infertile and have adopted 3 children, but I know how difficult infertilty is. I personally would thank your sister but decline the offer.

Good luck on your decision!!!

[Carlene 12]

But you are seriously adding lumps to the gravy here and needlessly.

What a great metaphor! I love it!

[Poodles 0]

Well, either way it would have to be her egg or an adopted egg. Then you run into IV and all that mess.

She is actually off her meds at this point, as she is due to have another baby in August, which is why she made the offer. Basically, she would stay off her meds while she recovers from this one and then have one for me. That is her plan anyway. She says that she asked her doctor about it, and since she has no problems with pregnancy he said it should be ok physically.

She has seen the way I raise my son, and she has seen the pain/meds/expense that my DH and I have gone thru over the years and she says that since she has them easy anyway it would be "no big deal". (I had a horrible pregnacy, put to bed rest, and emergency c-section.) So it would not be easy for me to have another one.

I am torn, but need to make my decision. She came by tonight and spoke with us about it, her DH present and all. I want a baby so bad... but I don't know how bad...

[Carlene 12]

Poodles...

I suggest you consult a professional - or two. Do you have a minister who is schooled in counseling? And what are the legal ramifications? You would have to legally adopt this child, as would your husband.

Is your sister stable enough (off her meds) to not freak out and change her mind at the last minute?

This is kind of indelicate, but when a married woman is trying to conceive by someone other than her husband, how does that work, exactly? No sex for you, sweet pea; I'm trying to make a baby for my sister and tomorrow we have a date with a turkey baster, so we can't have your DNA swimming around in there, can we?

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I didn't vote in the poll, because neither choice fit my reasoning.

The sister should not have the baby and the reasons are more than the chance of a bipolar offspring. The emotional health of both the surrogate sister and the child are tantamount for not having a child under these arrangements.

NO CHILD!!

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

TOM...

Do you realize we agree on this one? LOL

Mom and child, they matter.

I think we agree on a lot of things, but we often remember the "good battles" more than the agreements.

It is like when I watch boxing matches on TV. I forget the boring ones, but remember the "good battles" forever.:clap2:

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I am with TOM on this one. Being bi-polar doesn't fit for me either. Poodles, I would like to give you some advice if I may. I too struggled with infertility. My DH & I spent thousands of dollars getting pregnant with my first and it nearly broke us financially and mentally. We were on our last round of IVF and searching for surrogates. You need to look at the big picture. I honestly believe that a surrogate mother should be someone seperated from your life, or you run the risk of the truth getting out as Carlene said. Also, I can tell you that your sister may not be strong enough to really let it be your child. It will always be hers biologically. That is why I believe a surrogate unless you plan to tell all should always be someone removed from your life. When it comes down to it Poodles, she is a mom and as a mom to your child what are the real chances she can step away and let you raise the baby?

I struggled with these questions for many years. And there is hope, I had our second with no help--and a hell of alot of surprised Dr's! Think long term, not the here and now! Good luck!

[faithmd 14]

I have to echo all those above me, for all of the reasons listed. It is just a bad, bad, bad idea.

I do understand that you really want a baby. I have a question for you, have you and DH considered adopting? Perhaps adopting from another country?

This might be a slightly harsh question, and I do not mean it to be, it is one that a very dear friend asked his wife when they were having fertility issues (and it has stuck with me for years):

What is the most important thing, having a baby, or being a parent?

They went to Vladivostok and adopted.

[faithmd 14]

Another thought, double check the laws in your state, I know here in Michigan surrogacy is not allowed. No person in Michigan can be a surrogate, nor can a Michigan person hire a surrogate.

[Poodles 0]

Yes, I have thought about the "changing her mind" thing. The adoption thing, the international adoption thing, the drug thing, the everything. We had decided just to give up, and then some teenagers asked me if I would adopt their baby. Both the boy and girl asked me, but the grandparents decided they would take care of the baby... so the baby thing came up again. Then my sister came up with this plan because I was crushed about the other.

Hubby will not go thru the state, Adoptions cost so much money thru agencies (especially if you want a healthy white baby). If we adopted another ethnicity it would surely know it was adopted, and it does not bother me to tell the kid.

I guess I should be happy with the one perfect baby I have had the pleasure to raise, but it would be nice to have another little one, so that he could have a sibling.

You guys have confirmed all the things I have been thinking. It is just a hard thing to give up on. Thanks for the advice/opinions.

[piercedqt78 658]

Have you considered adopting from a germany, lithiuana (sp?) russia? That would be a white baby. We offered to adopt a chinese baby a few years ago, when my daughter was still very small (she was just 2). It fell through and now that my daughter has been diagnosed with severe problems, it was a blessing that we only have her. What would I do with another school aged child when we are at all the appointments? I am a parent to a single child and couldn't be happier about it. I can afford to plan for collage and we still take vacations, and she has everything she needs, medically, emotionally and physically. (aka she is spoiled) I couldn't imagine having another child right now. ~Mandy

[Lap_dancer 8]

My daughter is bipolar. I know how emotional she becomes. I would not put her in that situation despite the goodness of her heart to want to help you have a child.

Remember...what is fine now can be "life or death!!" in an hour.>>

If you want to be a parent and have children, there are so many options out there it is head spinning. (went through this with my niece and nephew, she wanted HIS child and she could not carry a child)

After her third invetro (that ultimately failed) I simply said...if you want to be a mother, there are babies and children that need mommy's and daddys.

They went to Russia and adopted twins. Ask them six months later when they were up at 3 AM feeding, changing and rocking...if they felt like mommys and daddys? (YES) Six years later the children look so much like them like their natural children it still amazes me.