I Lived Through This Surgery, My Sister Didn't.

[hopeful one 86]

So sorry this happened, it really makes you think.

[LyndseyD 106]

Thank you again to all those who have been supportive.

Please understand, we do not yet even have the autopsy (oh my gosh, I fing HATE that word!) results yet. I have no answers really. That leads to some pretty intense ups and downs for me personally. One minute I can deal with all that has happened, and the next someone says something stupid and I just loose my cool.

An you know what? I'm not sorry, not even a little. Stupid coments will get the wrath of my anger, its a good outlet for me right now. You think you can hurt me any more than the hurt I have already from loosing my BEST FRIEND, My big sister, my only sibling... the hurt I feel from knowing that I am alone... I have the weight of my entire family on my shoulders now... if you think for a second you can make it any worse- bring it. I need to get out some of my frustration anway.

I understand my previous reply to her nasty comment was removed so there was no trace of her comment- I get that. I just feel like you all need to see all of the emotions though. The ups of celebrating falling into the "normal BMI" and the downs of just how bad this all hurts.

I feel like if I let everyone see through my eyes you are better prepared for the choice your making.

Someone asked if I knew before the surgery what happened was going to happen would I still do it. In short no. My family lives in constant fear for me and my life will forever be lived in the shadow of my sisters death. It sucks. It sucks so bad. I had so many plans for the future and now that I have been slapped in the face with the reality that tomorrow really may never come I find it so hard to even daydream about the future.

I wanted to have another baby... but my parents are so scared that becase I've had this surgery that it will kill me and they'll be alone. Can I really do that to them? Can I really have a child my sister will never meet? Can I bring my baby to the cenetary to meet her, and how will I be able to tell that baby how much I know she would have loved it?

I wanted to renew my wedding vows to my husband, but my sister was my matron of honor in my wedding- how can I stand up there without her? How can I plan a wedding without her?

this is my life now. like it or not, its my life.... and I'm just trying all I can to live everyday to make my big sister proud!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Thank you again to all those who have been supportive.

Please understand, we do not yet even have the autopsy (oh my gosh, I fing HATE that word!) results yet. I have no answers really. That leads to some pretty intense ups and downs for me personally. One minute I can deal with all that has happened, and the next someone says something stupid and I just loose my cool.

An you know what? I'm not sorry, not even a little. Stupid coments will get the wrath of my anger, its a good outlet for me right now. You think you can hurt me any more than the hurt I have already from loosing my BEST FRIEND, My big sister, my only sibling... the hurt I feel from knowing that I am alone... I have the weight of my entire family on my shoulders now... if you think for a second you can make it any worse- bring it. I need to get out some of my frustration anway.

I understand my previous reply to her nasty comment was removed so there was no trace of her comment- I get that. I just feel like you all need to see all of the emotions though. The ups of celebrating falling into the "normal BMI" and the downs of just how bad this all hurts.

I feel like if I let everyone see through my eyes you are better prepared for the choice your making.

Someone asked if I knew before the surgery what happened was going to happen would I still do it. In short no. My family lives in constant fear for me and my life will forever be lived in the shadow of my sisters death. It sucks. It sucks so bad. I had so many plans for the future and now that I have been slapped in the face with the reality that tomorrow really may never come I find it so hard to even daydream about the future.

I wanted to have another baby... but my parents are so scared that becase I've had this surgery that it will kill me and they'll be alone. Can I really do that to them? Can I really have a child my sister will never meet? Can I bring my baby to the cenetary to meet her, and how will I be able to tell that baby how much I know she would have loved it?

I wanted to renew my wedding vows to my husband, but my sister was my matron of honor in my wedding- how can I stand up there without her? How can I plan a wedding without her?

this is my life now. like it or not, its my life.... and I'm just trying all I can to live everyday to make my big sister proud!

When you are ready and it may take years...you will move on but not without her every day in your thoughts and deeds....you have to face and feel all the emotions that come into your soul over what has happened and it is a long and painful process...I understand that and feel you are right you should express yourself and how you are managing..This forum is not just for those who have had it easy but also for those who lost someone or had complications and are still having issues with WLS....

There is definitely too much pressure on you right now and of course you cannot see yourself going on with a natural life...I hope that you will feel at peace eventually and find the strength to go on with your life...You must get to a point where you can breath again and live again...right now that seems like it will never happen but it will..If you work on it in the future...But for now......

Feel how you feel, say what you will and depend on those that love you and care..Don't forget they are seeing life through what ifs too...But that will smother your life and when you are ready you will move forward....

For now you have to go through the process of emotions and hurt and fear and everything else that is happening...

You may find this site useful....I know i have in the past to be able to see which stage I am in:

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

[chefcoll 53]

LindseyD - I cannot tell you how sorry I am and I can never imagine what you are going thru. You are so brave for sharing your thoughts and emotions. Do not let anyone ever take that away from you. Your sister has to be so incredibly proud of you for being her voice. Please try to stay strong. xox

[KatieOkieDokie 171]

Thank you for sharing. That could not be easy for you to share, or write. My heart breaks for you and your family. It has to be hard that believe that a surgery that was suppose to save your sisters live, ended up being a cause of her death. Even it it was a direct cause, I'm sure it was a part of it. I just want to hug you.

[KatieOkieDokie 171]

Oh I was going to ask you if you and your sister had the same surgeon?

[Butterfly84 2]

So sorry about your loss. Thank you for sharing your sisters story and being her voice. This is something everybody needs to be aware of before making this huge decision before having surgery. Praying for you and your family...xoxo

[iris26 64]

My heart goes out to you and your family. It will take a long time before you can ease some of the pain. Thanks for sharing this story because we often heard all the positive of the surgery and hardly heard the downside. I hope in time your family can heal. Bless you and your family.

[ashaley62310 2]

I am so sorry thanks for being able to share ... Prayers for you all

[Jencovi 261]

Lyndsey,

I cannot imagine the immense pain and guilt you feel. I truly appreciate you sharing her story. It is so easy to get caught up in the triumphs on the boards that we may forget or brush aside the fact that it is major, life changing surgery. You are such a wonderful person to remind us of that and to also remind us that we are our best medical advocate. If someone isn't listening to us, we need a second and third and fourth opinion.

I am so sorry for what you and your family are enduring and will keep you and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for closure soon. You and your family deserve answers. Keep up the fight for your sister!

Jen

[LyndseyD 106]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to jump in and let you all know that I am still coming on and reading your comments. Thank you to all those reaching out in support.

Yes, Sherrie and I had all the same physicains. Everything was exactly the same. All our pre-op visits, all our nurses were even the same!

As for how I am doing. I am down to 149 pounds now. Just 10 lbs away from my final goal, and only 8 months out! I try to be excited, I try to Celebrate. I usually sit around and think about how my life should be right now.. think about how much I miss her, and when I'm not doing that I am taking care of the family. I have two children, and she left three behind. It's a full time job, and I still own and operate my own company. My husband has been working 80+ hours a week so everthing literally falls on my shoulders.

So, I took up a new hobby. My little girl wanted a "reborn" doll (creepy! you should look them up!) and I refuse to pay hundreds of dollars for something I can do myself. So, here I sit, making this baby doll look like a real newborn baby. It keeps my hands and mind busy when I have down time... lol, not that I ever have much of that! But, my little girl will be thrilled when I'm done, and thats all that matters. I've also gotten really into cooking lately. Too bad I can't eat most of what I cook! lol. I am just trying to stay busy. I find that if I stay busy until I just can't hold my eyes open anymore when I lay down I just pass out from being exhausted. Its the only way I sleep. I have been getting about 4 hours a night since she died, well recently, up until about a month ago it was less, but its slowly getting better.

I'll keep you all updated, but for now I have two grouchy two year olds to contend with- because on top of everything else I do, I also babysit 5 days a week!

[meamo 42]

So sorry for your loss...God bless you and your family. Thanks for sharing

Edited January 15, 2014 by meamo

[dlar57 29]

So sorry for your lost! Take care

[fit2Bme2014 38]

Thank you so much for sharing your sisters journey. The more information We have regarding the surgery, the better off we are. To think that we're going to go into this and it's going to be a bed of roses would be ignorant on our part. Everything in life comes with a risk...when we stop taking risks, we stop living. And, I think many of us know what that's like.

I'm glad that you were still able to go forward with your own journey, and I pray that it will be a successful one. I do have one question: did you have the same surgeon?

[fit2Bme2014 38]

And, if you really feel that the surgeon was at fault in this, I hope that you have made the appropriate notations on the various sites out there where people can check the health grades of the doctor. Your sisters experience could save somebody else's life.

Edited January 16, 2014 by fit2Bme2014