female only Marriage Problems 2 Mo. Out

[Nurse_B 270]

While I am not married, I will share my thoughts from the perspective of a child who had parents go through this very thing. This child was in their early 20's, and understood that marriages are not always happy ever after. Mom started to engage in what she would call an "emotional affair". Do not be fooled, not having sex with someone does not make an affair ANY easier on your spouse or children, in fact it can make it worse. Sex is an instinctive thing, an animalistic impulse we all share. Feelings, however, are something we nurture, build and change. Mom ended up leaving the marriage, and engaging in a relationship with a man who also left his marriage. What was left was two families in constant turmoil. Trust issues, hatred, and partners left to wonder, "what did I do? Why couldn't we work on things?". The new relationship triggered an absolute tailspin in the lives of so many who were considered collateral damage. I am not telling you what to do, or not to do. BUT if you want to take this further PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE consider all of the other options first, counseling, speaking with your husband, working on your issues. If you can look yourself in the mirror and say you gave it your all, 110% and you just aren't in love, then divorce him. BUT don't divorce him for another man. That isn't fair to yourself, your husband or your children. As someone speaking from experience, your actions could have devastating results for those around you, for someone who gives you attention and understands your humor. It can cause damage you can't even begin to understand. Best of luck to you.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Couldn't agree more with many of these posts, including M.Rev's thoughtful advice, but especially Nurse B when she says don't divorce your husband for another man. Be together with him or divorce him because of the relationship the two of you have together - forget the third party who just seems to be plugging the gaps of what's missing in your life. If you were happy with your husband, would you have given the other man a second look?

My ex-husband had an emotional relationship with a colleague that turned into a full blown affair. When I found out, I could deal with the sex but I couldn't cope with someone else being the one he turned to, talked to and spent time with rather than me.

But I knew that I didn't want "her" to be the reason my marriage failed, I wanted to know why he had done what he did and if there were things we could fix. So we tried, took time to work through things and I had therapy. And once I got past being hurt and territorial (I didn't want someone to take him away from me), and stepped back, I realised our relationship wasn't really what I wanted or needed any more. After 29 years, I saw that I hadn't been happy and that I deserved more.

He was shocked when I ended our marriage because, by that time, he had stopped seeing "her". He thought that was all it would take for me to let him stay. But he hadn't done enough to keep me by changing his behaviours ... Post affair he went back to the old ways and didn't see that if he/we changed nothing, one of us would cheat in future because the old issues remained unresolved and neither of us were really any happier.

Three years later, was it the right thing? Yes. But only because I tried to fix it first before I ended my marriage and because I did it for the right reasons - not the affair but because we just didn't work any more.

So that's my advice for what it's worth. Set aside the other man, he's a symptom of your unhappiness of your life with your husband. Put the effort into talking to your husband, be honest and don't hide how close to the edge you are. Give him a proper opportunity to make things better. If you do all of that and either he fails to step up or it's still not right for you, then be honourable and leave him. Don't mess with someone else, it won't help.

My only regret is that my ex didn't do me that courtesy before he went off and had an affair. If he had, I would have listened and we might have got over things together before the added complications of betrayal and no trust were added to a sad situation.

[krislaw33 25]

Thanks everyone for all the great advise. After reading over and over again how I needed to remove the third party completely and work on my marriage, I am doing just that. I have realized how much I do still love my husband and I don't want to leave him. I have opened up to him and surprisingly he did with me. We have had some serious discussions about how we both feel and in the process have discovered each other again. All this is far from over but I feel we are on the right path to recovery. I put the skids on the other relationship once and for all and feel so much better, but still very guilty. I'm not sure if I will tell my husband about it. I want to but don't want to hurt him just to relieve my own guilt. Hopefully we will get thru all this ugliness and when it has passed our marriage will be better than ever before.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Couldn't agree more about not telling him - that's just to make you feel better - what would it do to him and you efforts to make this right going forward?

The very best of luck, we will all be rooting for you x

[LoveAfterWLS 62]

This might not be the popular opinion but here it goes. I was in an unhappy marriage for 16 years. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I "settled" for what I thought I deserved instead of what I really wanted. Three years ago, and while still married, I met a man that I knew was my soul mate. He was married at the time too. Three years later we are both divorced and married to each other. I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. People don't change. I spent the better part of my life trying to make someone change and it never happened. Life is way too short to "settle". Follow your heart and be happy!

[Arts137 1,811]

This might not be the popular opinion but here it goes. I was in an unhappy marriage for 16 years. I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I "settled" for what I thought I deserved instead of what I really wanted. Three years ago, and while still married, I met a man that I knew was my soul mate. He was married at the time too. Three years later we are both divorced and married to each other. I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. People don't change. I spent the better part of my life trying to make someone change and it never happened. Life is way too short to "settle". Follow your heart and be happy!

Don't disagree, and since it took me THREE times to find someone to STAY in love with how could I.

BUT... now is not the time. Your mind is in a fragile state and you do not - cannot - make clear decisions now. And no matter what get counseling for yourself... first.

[hopingtolose2013 81]

I also think it's the grass is greener syndrome. Of course man 2 is perfect.. they all are in the beginning. You leave your husband. ..newness wears off...and you are stuck wondering what you did to your life. Think about your kids. They are older but it doesn't make it any easier. They might not ever forgive you. Plus when they marry and have your grandkids where do you think they see going to spend holidays and time? The best least it will have to be split. Your husband may be a simple man. .but he has loved you got 23 years. That counts for something. I felt I was falling out of love one time. I decided to reconnect with my husband bc he is a great man and father. I can't imagine my life without him now. I can't imagine sharing my children or grandchildren bc I left a wonderful man in your words bc he is simple. In the end is your choice. My thought in any decision and life choice I make: when I am old and rocking on my front porch reflecting my life. ..what do I want those memories to be?

[chrystine 42]

I think everyone has made great points. I don't want to be redundant but I will mention something I didn't see mentioned. You touched upon excessive drinking on your husband's part. You might want to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I know a lot of people find these type of meetings "cultish" but some find some good info and perspective. Just my perspective as an woman who grew up with an alcoholic mother, not drinking at home and "cutting back" doesn't always solve the problem. Just a thought. I completely agree though #1 - make no major changes this close to post op #2 - end your marriage only if it is completely irrepairable, not for someone else #3 - definitely give an honest shot before walking away - that means no contact or as little as possible with the other man